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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think mistakes made whilst a teenager shouldn't follow you the rest of your life?

326 replies

iwishiwasapunk · 26/01/2021 18:03

I'm probably going to get a bashing here and am prepared for it however, I didn't know where else to post and can't think of anyone in real life who would give me an objective opinion. So here goes...

When I was 18/19 I slept with my best friends (grew up together, friends since we were 6) boyfriend who she had just had a baby with. Not making excuses but my life at that time was very out of control, I was taking a lot of drugs, partying all the time, had low self esteem and I will admit very selfish and only thought of myself. I took constant risks and never thought beyond the pleasure I was experiencing in the moment at the consequences.

My friend found out and quite rightly dropped me as a friend after making her feelings very clear, she also put up a photo of me on Facebook and told everyone what I had done - I was mortified at the time but understood this was a consequence of my awful behaviour. However, she took back her boyfriend within a week.

Thankfully I had a few really close friends that stuck by me, they said they knew I made a bad decision but I wasn't a bad person.

This all happened 10 years ago, I'm now 29 and I'm not the same person I was back then at all, I have managed to build really strong friendships since then and cherish them, I have a daughter, I don't take drugs at all, rarely drink, am in my third year of uni and have went through a lot in the past 10 years which has really resulted in me growing as a person.

However, 10 years later and my ex friend still talks badly about me around town, and she always goes out of her way to get in close proximity to me when out and give me a death stare. It's really uncomfortable. The other day I was a walk down the beach with my daughter and I walked past her, her son and two of her friends and they all stopped speaking and glared at me.

I understand she hates me and probably always will but for 10 years now I avoid places I feel she is likely to be, for instance if I am invited on a night out with friends I get a knot in my stomach wondering if I will run into her so I usually just won't bother. I get nervous to go anywhere incase she's there, and I've lived like this for 10 years.

The thing is she's not even with the boyfriend anymore, he is now engaged to someone else and they have a baby.

I just wish I'd never done it but can hand on heart say I was not the same person back then that I am standing here today. AIBU to think this mistake should not follow me around for the rest of my life? Or is this what I deserve?

OP posts:
Marinaloves · 27/01/2021 18:40

@nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut
They won’t! And you’re an idiot for thinking they will!!
Karma doesn’t exist

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 27/01/2021 18:54

@Marinaloves Oh it does. You watch he'll cheat on her just like he did me. People don't change. Also please do not call me names. I haven't called you names so show some manners.

Emeraldshamrock · 27/01/2021 18:55

Send her an apology letter do not make it about you, you were naive just apologies and forget it, if she puts the letter on FB or runs you down so be it.
She might except the apology.
Living in a small town sounds like a bloody nightmare, people around here don't recall what happened 10 nights ago never mind 10 years, excluding the injured party.

Emeraldshamrock · 27/01/2021 18:58

Oh I see you tried the letter. You can't make someone forgive you sometimes we just have to learn and carry the burden of mistakes.

Marinaloves · 27/01/2021 18:58

@Marinaloves
I’m sure he will cheat on her. They always do. Not sure I call that karma though
She like you shouldn’t have picked him in the first place!
Apologies if you think I was calling you a name. It wasn’t meant in that way.

AllMyPrettyOnes · 27/01/2021 19:04

[quote nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut]@Marinaloves Oh it does. You watch he'll cheat on her just like he did me. People don't change. Also please do not call me names. I haven't called you names so show some manners.[/quote]
No, it does not exist 😂

And yes, people do change.

Stop projecting.

PandemicAtTheDisco · 27/01/2021 19:05

How publicly have you apologised? She publicised your crimes widely. Maybe she wants public announcment of an apology. What do you think she wants?

A huge facebook post lamenting past mistakes then someone else posting utter shite about forgiveness and moving on 'being better than being bitter' - partly worked for a friend's cheating scumbag of an ex. The relationship - Act 2 inflamed even greater hostilities and revenge tactics.

Bluntness100 · 27/01/2021 19:07

Yeah I’m not sure you’re genuinely remorseful. I reckon you just want her to lay off

I’m not buying you were just young, selfish and horny so shagged him, but became mysteriously self aware and altruistic two days later so told her and dumped her as a friend.

And now boasting you could have had her life.. is that why you slept with Him.to prove it? Except he didn’t want you to tell her did he. He wasn’t wishing to be with uou.

If you can’t own it even now op, what’s the point in this.

haggisneepsntatties12 · 27/01/2021 19:09

@nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut yes sorry, you sound rather pathetic and are clearly projecting your own experience and insecurities on to the OP. Forgive yourself OP you were barely an adult and people can change especially over 10 years between those ages. Let it go and ignore her. Do not feel ashamed, I bet he isn't. You are sorry, you have felt guilt and stuck around and dealt with the consequences, you have apologised and you have bettered yourself. Please forgive yourself and keep building that good life for you and your daughter which you absolutely DO DESERVE.

PrincessBuggerPants · 27/01/2021 19:11

I have a friend/ex-housemate who 'stole' my boyfriend when we were about 20. She actually married him.

No, I don't go around bad mouthing her as I haven't seen her in over a decade as I moved to a different part of the country, but I no longer have anything to do with any ex-mutual friends who had anything to do with her after the event. She, a bit like you managed to make herself out to be the wronged party she fel If I ever came across any of them I my response was too harsh. I don't think I owe her or them anything, even neutrality or civility tbh.

You mention you had some 'real friends' who stuck by you. Was that really fair on her that you managed to command loyalty from people even when you were a cheat?

Had you even thought of that?

Original poster
iwishiwasapunk · 27/01/2021 19:11

@Bluntness100 I knew you would misconstrue what I said. No I didn't think I could have her life, I wasn't after a relationship with her man or being a mum to her baby, I meant that I could have been in a relationship and had a baby (with someone else) if I was jealous of her having that.

OP posts:
Original poster
iwishiwasapunk · 27/01/2021 19:15

@PrincessBuggerPants of course I think about how that would have affected her also but there was plenty of friends that understandably took her side. I couldn't control how my friends reacted and I was prepared to lose them all however so thankful for the few that stuck by me.

OP posts:
Ideasplease322 · 27/01/2021 19:25

Okay. You did a shitty, awful thing. She will never forgive you. To be honest I wouldn’t ever expect her to. It doesn’t matter if she took him back or if she no longer with. Don’t try to diminish York actions in this way.

But, it was a long time ago. You can’t control how she feels or what she says.

But you can control how your react. Forgive yourself for what happened. And move on.

If you see her give her a nod and walk on. If her friends talk about you ignore it.

I would ephemeral forgive you, but I would maintain a dignified silence.

Hawkins001 · 27/01/2021 19:29

I'd say just try to do your best, at the same time , it takes two to tango, and why was she so quick to forgive her ex and not you ? What's happened has happened, I guess there's not much I can advise.

PrincessBuggerPants · 27/01/2021 19:33

If you think those friends 'took her side', rather than made an active choice to not be your friend due to realising that you weren't very nice, then I don't think you are as self-aware or contrite as you think you are.

Original poster
iwishiwasapunk · 27/01/2021 20:03

@PrincessBuggerPants oh my goodness, sorry I'll change my wording, of course I think about how that would have affected her also but there was plenty of friends that understandably stopped speaking to me due them realising that I wasn't very nice.

OP posts:
phoenixrosehere · 27/01/2021 20:07

I'd say just try to do your best, at the same time , it takes two to tango, and why was she so quick to forgive her ex and not you?

Right. I wonder how long the relationship lasted after that and how could she trust and forgive said boyfriend for sleeping with her best friend and lying to her face about it. They didn’t have to be together for them to raise the baby.

Catscrat · 27/01/2021 20:13

I get it OP. When I was 19 I kissed my best friend’s boyfriend. It destroyed our friendship and it’s one of my biggest regrets to this day. We don’t live in the same town but I still think about her a fair bit. I spent years beating myself up about it (it’s now 15 years since) but I eventually realised forgiving myself wasn’t dependent on her forgiving me. I hope you can forgive yourself and move on.

Bluntness100 · 27/01/2021 20:30

I'd say just try to do your best, at the same time , it takes two to tango, and why was she so quick to forgive her ex and not you?

Because she was a teenager who had just had a baby. Why do you think? Much older women take back cheats and it’s fully accepted due to the vulnerability that often occurs after just having a child. It’s much worse when you’re a teen I imagine. Can you even imagine?

I’m sorry Op. the way you’re reacting tells me you’ve had enough of her shaming you and you want it to go away.

But you nearly did have her life didn’t you? You slept with her boyfriend and also had your own baby not soon after.

As said, the sign of remorse and adulting is owning it. I’m not sure you’re ready to do that yet. You just want her to not shame you over it any more.

Marinaloves · 27/01/2021 20:37

Don’t get up the duff with a fucking loser as a teenager and expect anything different
I mean I’m sure she knew what he was like. Those twat blokes in small towns are all the same

Bluntness100 · 27/01/2021 20:46

@Marinaloves

Don’t get up the duff with a fucking loser as a teenager and expect anything different I mean I’m sure she knew what he was like. Those twat blokes in small towns are all the same
The op pretty much did that herself, a year later she had her own baby. She basically copied her life. Even down to shagging her boyfriend.
Original poster
iwishiwasapunk · 27/01/2021 20:55

@Bluntness100 I did not copy her life 😂 what a crazy suggestion. When would it have been acceptable for me to have a baby without being accused of copying her life? That's ridiculous

OP posts:
SCALPHELP · 27/01/2021 21:00

Look, you can’t change her feelings towards you. Her behaviour isn’t as bad as you make out - it’s not a police matter nor is it really justification for your high anxiety. I think you’re blowing things out of proportion. In fact, she probably feels just as awkward when you’re around and would also prefer not to bump into you.

Realistically the only thing you can do is change your reaction to her. Which may involve medical help for your anxiety and therapy to talk things out. I agree with others that you feel bad when seeing her merely as you feel guilt and shame due to your past actions, rather than feeling bad due to anything she does to you. Frankly your presence probably drudge up negative memories for her and bring her mood down also - you do represent an awful time of her life.

If you see her, just ignore her and don’t look in her direction. You shouldn’t even know if she’s staring at you or not.

poptartsarefood · 27/01/2021 21:15

Are you serious OP? She'll hate you forever and with good cause. If her son in your daughter's school is the one who's dad you slept with, at some point he'll find out. His mother won't need to tell him, his mates will tell him or they'll tell your daughter. Small town, common friends, similar age kids. To be honest she's not lying about you or harassing you so I'm not sure you have anything to complain about.

I know the past is inconvenient because of your daughter and I do feel bad for her, but your actions have consequences and you live where you live. Just move and fresh start or let your daughter take the hit. Nothing you say or anyone says on mumsnet will change this.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/01/2021 21:15

@Marinaloves

Don’t get up the duff with a fucking loser as a teenager and expect anything different I mean I’m sure she knew what he was like. Those twat blokes in small towns are all the same
This is the ultimate victim blaming statement directed at a teenage girl whose best mate shagged her boyfriend when she had a new born baby. Good grief. Even OP acknowledges what an awful thing it was to do and that it was in now way her friends fault at the time. Grow up. And stop expecting women to have inbuilt morals that are meant to police male behaviour. Her friend had every right to expect at the time that her boyfriend (baby of her father) and best mate wouldn't shag each other. Amazing she's become the villain 😂 god with women saying shit like this who needs male sexists eh?