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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think mistakes made whilst a teenager shouldn't follow you the rest of your life?

326 replies

iwishiwasapunk · 26/01/2021 18:03

I'm probably going to get a bashing here and am prepared for it however, I didn't know where else to post and can't think of anyone in real life who would give me an objective opinion. So here goes...

When I was 18/19 I slept with my best friends (grew up together, friends since we were 6) boyfriend who she had just had a baby with. Not making excuses but my life at that time was very out of control, I was taking a lot of drugs, partying all the time, had low self esteem and I will admit very selfish and only thought of myself. I took constant risks and never thought beyond the pleasure I was experiencing in the moment at the consequences.

My friend found out and quite rightly dropped me as a friend after making her feelings very clear, she also put up a photo of me on Facebook and told everyone what I had done - I was mortified at the time but understood this was a consequence of my awful behaviour. However, she took back her boyfriend within a week.

Thankfully I had a few really close friends that stuck by me, they said they knew I made a bad decision but I wasn't a bad person.

This all happened 10 years ago, I'm now 29 and I'm not the same person I was back then at all, I have managed to build really strong friendships since then and cherish them, I have a daughter, I don't take drugs at all, rarely drink, am in my third year of uni and have went through a lot in the past 10 years which has really resulted in me growing as a person.

However, 10 years later and my ex friend still talks badly about me around town, and she always goes out of her way to get in close proximity to me when out and give me a death stare. It's really uncomfortable. The other day I was a walk down the beach with my daughter and I walked past her, her son and two of her friends and they all stopped speaking and glared at me.

I understand she hates me and probably always will but for 10 years now I avoid places I feel she is likely to be, for instance if I am invited on a night out with friends I get a knot in my stomach wondering if I will run into her so I usually just won't bother. I get nervous to go anywhere incase she's there, and I've lived like this for 10 years.

The thing is she's not even with the boyfriend anymore, he is now engaged to someone else and they have a baby.

I just wish I'd never done it but can hand on heart say I was not the same person back then that I am standing here today. AIBU to think this mistake should not follow me around for the rest of my life? Or is this what I deserve?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 27/01/2021 21:21

[quote iwishiwasapunk]@Bluntness100 I did not copy her life 😂 what a crazy suggestion. When would it have been acceptable for me to have a baby without being accused of copying her life? That's ridiculous [/quote]
I don’t know she was a teen mum, you shagged her boyfriend and had a baby a year after she had hers

The average age to have a baby is 28. It looks like you were trying to emulate her. Of course it could just be a massive co incidence. You were just drunk and horny and it was her partner who happened to be there, his unfortunate. and gosh uou just happened to fall pregant too.

You don’t need to defend it publicly. But deep down op. You know what was causing you to shag her partner and have your own baby.

But your anonymous on here. If you’re not yet at the stage you can’t own it, then you can’t really be expecting her to forgive you.

Bluntness100 · 27/01/2021 21:23

You can see why folks would think you were envious and copying her, right? As said, I’m sure it’s just a massive coincidence it was her partner and you also had a baby, but we all fully accept you weren’t envious and trying to be her,

sofiaaaaaa · 27/01/2021 21:34

With respect, I think you need to grow a backbone and learn to be more resilient. You’re 30 years old now, and have a child to raise. You’ll always come across people that dislike you (everyone does!) You just have to get on with it.

It largely seems like she has cut you off and ignores you. After 10 years, all she does is have a moan with her pals - it’s mild. She isn’t going to attack you or slander you on social media. Looking at someone isn’t a crime, and in the nicest way possible you might be exaggerating slightly due to your anxiety.

You may have changed but unfortunately she’ll always see you as a druggy with low morals. You can’t ever change that, so why bother paying her any headspace? It’s a losing battle and a waste of energy that should be focused on you, your child and your friends.

maybeimamazed456 · 27/01/2021 21:35

Ignore @Bluntness100 Op - she's a well known wind up merchant on here.

Bluntness100 · 27/01/2021 21:39

@maybeimamazed456

Ignore *@Bluntness100* Op - she's a well known wind up merchant on here.
Oh good my personal stalker is here.

😂

maybeimamazed456 · 27/01/2021 21:48

@Bluntness100 not quite 😂

Bluntness100 · 27/01/2021 21:51

[quote maybeimamazed456]@Bluntness100 not quite 😂[/quote]
If it walks like a duck and it talks like a duck, hard to argue when you’re in there quacking you’re not a duck

Right?

maybeimamazed456 · 27/01/2021 21:55

Quack quack 🦆

HomeFailing · 27/01/2021 22:00

I agree op. I had a reasonably close friend at secondary. I got with someone who i was with for many years after we all left school. Years into the relationship I found out they were meeting up, just as friends, obviously Hmm. We were about 22 at the time. She was totally fucked up in her life (i wasn't far behind her!) and these days while he's long gone we're Facebook friends and send eachother the odd message. I wish her well.

Bluntness100 · 27/01/2021 22:06

@HomeFailing

I agree op. I had a reasonably close friend at secondary. I got with someone who i was with for many years after we all left school. Years into the relationship I found out they were meeting up, just as friends, obviously Hmm. We were about 22 at the time. She was totally fucked up in her life (i wasn't far behind her!) and these days while he's long gone we're Facebook friends and send eachother the odd message. I wish her well.
I’m sorry you need to explain further, how does this correlate to shagging your child hood Best friends partner right after she had a baby and then telling her?
museumsandgalleries666 · 27/01/2021 22:06

Move away, enjoy your life, leave her to her bitter existence, forget her, him, what happened. You're never going to win this one.

AllMyPrettyOnes · 27/01/2021 22:13

Get off the thread, OP.

Some of these people won't be happy till you spend your days shrouded in misery forever.

We've all made mistakes and fucked up when we were young even though people on here won't admit it. I know I have, and i've had to forgive myself or i'd never move on.

You need to do the same. Move away if you really need to; that's what helped me.

U2HasTheEdge · 27/01/2021 22:23

@Bluntness100

You can see why folks would think you were envious and copying her, right? As said, I’m sure it’s just a massive coincidence it was her partner and you also had a baby, but we all fully accept you weren’t envious and trying to be her,
Well, i'm not sure 'folks' think she was copying her friend by having a baby a year later and trying to be her.

It's a bit of a ridiculous leap and no matter how much you convince yourself that you have this deep insight into OP's behaviour it doesn't make it true. OP, I wouldn't even bother trying to defend this crazy (and frankly childish) accusation.

I think you are genuinely remorseful OP, and I can't see where you haven't taken responsibility for your actions. It isn't surprising your ex friend can't forgive you, and you can't change the way she acts towards you. One thing you shouldn't do is move away or continue to feel loads of guilt for a shitty thing you did as a very young adult.

I made some poor choices at that age, that I am not proud of, but I won't let them define me and neither will I justify myself to others if they want to hold any of those choices over my head many years later.

Kilcaple · 27/01/2021 22:24

@AllMyPrettyOnes

Get off the thread, OP.

Some of these people won't be happy till you spend your days shrouded in misery forever.

We've all made mistakes and fucked up when we were young even though people on here won't admit it. I know I have, and i've had to forgive myself or i'd never move on.

You need to do the same. Move away if you really need to; that's what helped me.

But isn’t it interesting that the OP started the thread to invite judgement, and has kept reading and engaging with hostile comments, just as she’s stayed on in a small town where her name is mud for some sector of the population, and completes rejects the possibility of leaving?

It sounds to me as if there’s something going on here — the OP for some reason needs her reputation.

Bluntness100 · 27/01/2021 22:32

I made some poor choices at that age, that I am not proud of, but I won't let them define me and neither will I justify myself to others if they want to hold any of those choices over my head many years later

Maybe that’s what irs about? How poor your choices were at that age? I guess if you shagged your best friends boyfriend and father of her child then had a baby very young like she did, you’d get it?

Personally if I’d hurt someone like that I’d not take your approach in they can’t hold it over your head but accept why rhey may never forget it. But I like your approach. It must feel so much better to say you’re not accountable.

FlyNow · 27/01/2021 22:36

I also think you are getting off lightly. The worst thing that's happened is she stared at you once and (possibly) said something bad about you to someone you don't know. It's not like she keeps letting your tires down and leaving a flaming bag of poo on your doorstep.

I believe in moving on but that goes for you as well. Move on by moving to the next school catchment area. Why should you? Well why should she have had her family broken up?

I know if I had a choice between being betrayed by my partner and childhood friend, or moving to the next town and being stared at once, well I know which I would choose.

FrostyChocolateMilkshake · 27/01/2021 22:42

OP, hats off to you for actually admitting you aren't perfect. A lot of people on her like to chastise others for the smallest of errors. So to actually come on here and admit you fucked up - good on you.

I agree with you in that the past should be left in the past. Unfortunately you've left a lasting impression on your friend and I can understand why she washed her hands of you. But to still be speaking badly of you to other people, that's really immature of her. Maybe her life hasn't evolved much from when you were teenagers?

Bluntness100 · 27/01/2021 22:46

@FrostyChocolateMilkshake

OP, hats off to you for actually admitting you aren't perfect. A lot of people on her like to chastise others for the smallest of errors. So to actually come on here and admit you fucked up - good on you.

I agree with you in that the past should be left in the past. Unfortunately you've left a lasting impression on your friend and I can understand why she washed her hands of you. But to still be speaking badly of you to other people, that's really immature of her. Maybe her life hasn't evolved much from when you were teenagers?

Yup. Because when your best mate fucks the father of your kid you’d be all about forgiving her,
Marinaloves · 27/01/2021 22:47

@Bluntness100
Seriously you’re starting to sound unhinged

FrostyChocolateMilkshake · 27/01/2021 22:49

@Bluntness100 the girl was a teenager. We've ALL done bad things in our lives - I think you need to chill a bit; you seem to be taking this thread very personally.
Have you gone through something like this, been at the receiving end of cheating? If so that would explain your hostility towards the OP...

Teardrop2021 · 27/01/2021 22:54

You have a dd of you're own surely you understand being vulnerable after having a baby imagine you're bodys change, you're life is now not you're own and you're best friend since you were little shags you're partner. That is the utlimate betrayal of course she doesn't like you. Its no excuse being young. We all been young I didn't shag my friends bf but I know excately how that feels being cheated on when you have a baby and you're at you're most vulnerable in life, that shit shatters you're confidence ten times worse when the person they cheat with is you're best mate.

Thingsthatgo · 27/01/2021 23:00

I’m really shocked at how little credit the posters on this thread are giving teenagers. I mean, I knew pretty young that fucking my best friend’s boyfriend would be a disgusting thing to do, and would not only ruin our friendship, but probably her life, given that she’s just had a baby with him.
I mean, I was not an angel... I drank too much, and took drugs and partied pretty hard, but I still didn’t shag any of my friend’s boyfriends.

FrostyChocolateMilkshake · 27/01/2021 23:00

This reply has been deleted

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FrostyChocolateMilkshake · 27/01/2021 23:03

@Thingsthatgo it was downright shitty of the OP to do that - I've never snagged a friend's ex, never mind their boyfriend. But I think it is a bit unnecessary that the other woman is still making a big deal of it all these years later 🤷‍♀️

FrostyChocolateMilkshake · 27/01/2021 23:03

Snagged! Shagged, obviously