Me and DSis pregnant. Mum only happy for me.

[icecreamgirl94]

Hi, newbie here. Not sure exactly what I’m asking to be honest, I’ve been debating what to write for a few hours! I think I just need to write it down.
I’m pregnant, due in March. This is the best news ever, DP and I have been trying for 6 years and had 2 losses so all the family are on cloud 9.
My 16 year old sister is also pregnant, obviously unplanned. The father doesn’t want any involvement and DSis had an abortion booked twice but has decided to keep the baby and the family have said they will support her choice. Everyone that is except our mum who has taken the news very badly. DSis didn’t tell her until nearly 4 months and since then their relationship has been awful. Back in September I invited DSis to stay with me and DP throughout the pregnancy, I thought it might be nice for us to be pregnant together and be a more relaxing environment for her. Since then DM has barely spoken to her.
Anyway the reason I’m posting is because DSis is due now and looks like she could go at any moment. She’s in our spare room (which is meant to be the nursery for our baby) and none of us really know what to do once her baby arrives. Realistically she can’t stay here, but I don’t want her to go back to DM’s if she isn’t going to be supportive. I’d hoped that once the baby arrived DM’s attitude would change but that seems less and less likely. DM is also really excited about my baby which makes me feel awful for poor DSis who is really anxious about the birth and just wants her mum. AIBU to expect better from DM?
Sorry I don’t even know why I’m posting this, I just don’t know what to do. Thanks if anyone does read.

Yes, I can see why DM would have been keen for DSis to get an abortion. It was unwise for the rest of the family to support your DSis's decision to keep the baby quite so enthusiastically if they weren't also prepared to step up and house and care for the two of them. DM seems to have been set up as the 'bad guy' here, while everyone else envisaged visiting the baby, sending presents etc. but essentially leaving everything to DM.

Yes we have left things very much to the last minute, I very naively hoped things would change if I gave DM and DSis some space from each other, I hold my hands up to how stupid that was.
She’s been honest with the midwife about the situation, that she hopes to move back in with her mum while she gets in her feet.
I’m going to talk to her about the reality of how unlikely that is now and make a list of exactly what needs to be organised now. She’s pulled her weight and done her fair share of things around the house and has been paying a bit of housekeeping, she has a part time job that she’s currently furloughed from.
She has said she has “really bad belly ache” since yesterday morning so I’m not sure exactly what that means but I think she might be in a better place to get things organised once the baby has arrived. Maybe it makes me a pushover but I don’t have a problem with her being here while she gets used to being a parent, I’d feel guilty if she was in a mother and baby hostel say with a brand new baby while still trying to get to grips with things, especially with covid meaning I couldn’t really pop in and see her.
Thank you so much for all the comments and advice, I really appreciate it.

Contact social services asap. She needs lots of help

You think deciding not to have an abortion is "attention-seeking"? Are you mad?

I can't believe there are people who think like this.

Your DM's disappointment in your sister is understandable. No parent wants their teenager to become a parent. Your parents will have to financially, emotionally and practically support your sister. Your DM probably resents having to basically raise another baby, especially at 56.

It seems like their relationship was strained even before the pregnancy. Neither trusted the other because your sister kept it quiet for months. Did anyone explain to your sister about how hard and expensive it is to have a child? I know you say she's "mature," but she really isn't. Poor girl. She needs help finding a flat.

She's going to be a mother, she needs to take responsibility for herself.

She's a child! A child going through a huge, emotional, frightening and life-changing experience. She needs all the help she can get.

All new mothers need the love and support of the adults around them to help them build a life with their new child. On top of this, there are aspects of adult life that the OP's DSis won't even know exist yet and she needs someone to help her navigate them.

I wouldn't be willing to watch my mother cuddling my baby whilst ignoring my sister's. Whatever her feelings, she needs to respond to the two babies in the same way and I'd withdraw contact with mine until she felt able to do that.

I found this post really sad. Whilst I wouldn't be happy if my dd was pregnant so young I would never turn my back on her. I would get the ball rolling re the council and am sure you will chat to your sister about it sensitively.

Honestly, I would be disappointed if it were my dd. I wouldn't abandon her but I am not entirely sure that your mum has either? Also Op I wonder what conversations have taken place between your mum and your sister that you aren't aware of?

If your sister moves back in with your mum, she is going to have to be really involved with the baby. And she has every right to be pissed off to be honest.

I think that your sister might need to present herself as homeless to the council. Yes, she is only 16 but she has opted to become a parent and needs to deal with things in a grown up manner.

I really hope that things work out for all of you.

Do people on this thread not realise that an 16 year old can not legally have a tenancy?

No, but they expect a 16 year old to magically know it somehow.

Your mum isn’t showing herself in a good light but she’s probably still trying to process it all and to be fair you’ve not helped the situation by taking your Dsis in.

It’s interesting that everyone else seems to be thrilled about your Dsis pregnancy apart from your mother. You say your dad lives elsewhere. Was your mum left as a single mother to bring you both up? Are there other siblings? Maybe she struggled and thought it was her time to rest soon, then this.

Everyone will bring around cute clothes and coo but she will be the one dealing with the screaming baby and basically starting again. Your sister isn’t a mature 16 year old if she’s pregnant and keeping the baby so your mum will end up raising another child. She had to start again when you were 11 and 16 years later she’s starting again.

I’m sure she’ll take your sister back when the baby comes but please understand what this has done to her life. Let her go through her stages of grief for the retirement she’s now lost.

If I were your mum I would be completely gutted. I've been in that position with one of my children but they were 18 when the grand child was born. What sounds fine in theory is a big fat wake up call in reality. It effectively means that you as the grandparent have to take on responsibility for the baby, financially etc. for a while at least. We love my grandson who is now 15 dearly.
If the OP hadn't interfered the younger sister and mum would have had the chance to get used to it together - it doesn't sound as if the soon to be granny would have thrown her daughter out if she hadn't chosen to leave.

@monkeymonkey2010

This is why 16 year old shouldn't be having children - children are NOT A RIGHT! THEY ARE A RESPONSIBILITY!

Who did she think was going to fund her lifestyle choice - her mum????
Why should her mum be forced to take on responsibility for this pregnancy?????
You've done her no favours by enabling her irresponsible attitude!
Why hasn't she been seeking support from Social Services etc during this time?

How can you 'have the right' to bear children yet have no fucking clue about responsibility????
The best thing she could have done was have an abortion - but i bet the attention seeking little madam deliberately hid it from you all until the 4 month limit - so it would be too late for an early abortion.

Vile!

I think your intentions were good, and your sister must be so grateful for your help. Even so, I couldn't enjoy my mum being happy about my pregnancy if she had disowned my pregnant sister. I think you need to have some difficult conversations with your mum, because her reaction simply isn't good enough. Your poor sister must be terrified. The situation needs to be brought to a head, otherwise they will never sort it out.

monkey
Do you and others, who spout such bile realise that as op’s 16 yo dsis is a child, her parents are still legally responsible for her? It is disgusting to wash your hands of your child.

There are some really harsh comments on this thread, it’s made me cry. I can see now how pregnant unmarried women ended up in mother and baby homes and losing their babies in the past. There have been many unplanned babies in my family over the generations and everyone kept them.

OP your sister might be best staying with your Dad for a bit even if he has to sleep on the sofa as it’s very hard at the start and if he’s the one that’s willing to help let him. It’s no good her going to your DM if she’s not going to be helpful and you will be adjusting to your new baby so will understandably have to concentrate on that.
I hope it all works out well for you all.

Maybe it makes me a pushover but I don’t have a problem with her being here while she gets used to being a parent

No, that makes you very smart. She will need support for the first few weeks or so and no one else is offering it.

Your mum is being a total cow, fine your sister got pregnant at 16 and most parents would find this disappointing but treating her so badly makes your mum a bad parent, not your 16yr old sister.

If your sister hasn’t already she needs to get her name down on the housing register. You might want to speak to citizens advice on this. I’m guessing she won’t be prioritised until she is actually homeless and as you are letting her stay with you she won’t be considered homeless. CA will also be able to help with her benefit entitlements.

How old is the babies father? She could always go after him for child support if he’s older and working. Or if he’s the same age I suppose she has time to figure out what she wants to do here.

I think your being a great sister. Have you told your mum she is out of order. If she keeps this up she is going to be treating your child very differently to her other grandchild, which is very cruel, I know as my own DM dose this with my children vs my DBs children. This may cause a strain in your relationship with her in the future.

I suppose once your sister is sorted with accommodation and benefits/job in the future, the only thing you can do is be there for her as emotional support, having a new baby will be overwhelming for you both but at least you can both support each other. It will be nice for your DC & hers to grow up together.

Oh OP what a mess. I can see both sides of it. Your mum must feel that she is being expected to shoulder responsibilities that she doesn't want. That she's done her raising of young children. However your sister is still really a vulnerable young person. Your sister is a bit naive that she wants to love the baby but hasn't the maturity to think about how she will meet their needs of a home, clothing, food etc.
Perhaps seeking help from professionals is the way to start. Midwife, HV, social worker...they can help make referrals. Housing needs to be top of the list but being 16 she will struggle to get a tennancy.
You sound like a really supportive sister. Hope she is grateful for all your help. Best of luck to you both.

@Tellmetruth4 my mum had an affair 8 years ago so they divorced. My dad was gutted.

@monkeymonkey2010 she told me and our dad as soon as she found out, but didn’t tell my mum until nearly 4 months when she had decided to keep the baby because she didn’t want DM to offer to come with her for the abortion as she thought it would upset DM. That’s what she told me anyway.

Everyone on this thread who says the DSis is a child is absolutely right. She is a child. She shouldn't be having one. The rest of the family should have butted out when the mother and DSis were discussing what to do. Instead, it sounds like they may have had a hand in convincing Dsis to keep the baby. Really unfair on both mother and daughter. The mother, because they've essentially set her up to raise another child. The daughter, because having a baby at 16 is rarely a good life choice.

OP, I don't see a good outcome to this. If I were your mother, I would reluctantly take DSis back (because I couldn't abandon my child) and start preparing to raise a child again. But I'd be mighty pissed off at the rest of you.

What a disgrace your mum is ..I’d be telling her to change her ways and support your sister or be prepared to lose contact with both grandchildren and both daughters

I think there are a lot of questions about this, it's not black and white.

Firstly the pregnancy was unplanned. How did it happen? To me there's a difference between a contraception fail, and just not using it.

When DSis decided to keep the baby did she discuss the practicalities - where she'd live, how she would pay for the baby, what help she'd need and who from - or did she assume that answer the answer to all those would be DM?

I recognise that she's a child, she's about to give birth and she needs support. But she also needs to take some of the responsibility, not expect that others will take it all or most of it for her.