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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Me and DSis pregnant. Mum only happy for me.

818 replies

icecreamgirl94 · 26/01/2021 17:08

Hi, newbie here. Not sure exactly what I’m asking to be honest, I’ve been debating what to write for a few hours! I think I just need to write it down.
I’m pregnant, due in March. This is the best news ever, DP and I have been trying for 6 years and had 2 losses so all the family are on cloud 9.
My 16 year old sister is also pregnant, obviously unplanned. The father doesn’t want any involvement and DSis had an abortion booked twice but has decided to keep the baby and the family have said they will support her choice. Everyone that is except our mum who has taken the news very badly. DSis didn’t tell her until nearly 4 months and since then their relationship has been awful. Back in September I invited DSis to stay with me and DP throughout the pregnancy, I thought it might be nice for us to be pregnant together and be a more relaxing environment for her. Since then DM has barely spoken to her.
Anyway the reason I’m posting is because DSis is due now and looks like she could go at any moment. She’s in our spare room (which is meant to be the nursery for our baby) and none of us really know what to do once her baby arrives. Realistically she can’t stay here, but I don’t want her to go back to DM’s if she isn’t going to be supportive. I’d hoped that once the baby arrived DM’s attitude would change but that seems less and less likely. DM is also really excited about my baby which makes me feel awful for poor DSis who is really anxious about the birth and just wants her mum. AIBU to expect better from DM?
Sorry I don’t even know why I’m posting this, I just don’t know what to do. Thanks if anyone does read.

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 26/01/2021 17:27

I would speak to housing about what the options are for your sister, and work out what benefits she may be entitled to. It would be desperately sad if your mum made her homeless, but you (rather she) needs to be prepared for that.

I feel for your mum getting a shock, but she needs to get the fuck over herself. Thank goodness she had you.

That doesn’t mean she has to do everything for your sister - she may only be a child but she chose to continue her pregnant so she has to step up. Bad time for it, but has she looked into any young mum support locally, that may be online currently?

I’d be asking your mum how she’s going to answer the question from her grandchild in a couple of years time, “why don’t you see my cousin? Isn’t she your grandchild too?”

LenaBlack · 26/01/2021 17:28

If your sister decided to keep the baby it's on her to sort out where she is going to live and how will she bring up that baby. It's not your mothers job.

Nonamesavail · 26/01/2021 17:28

[quote AlrightyThen1234]@WhatKatyDidNxt bit harsh, she may not have thought she was old enough to have a baby but is stuck with it now and couldn't go through with an abortion, it doesn't mean she should be expected to make the decisions of say a 25 year old. [/quote]
Agrew

Cocomarine · 26/01/2021 17:28

Oh and where’s your dad in all this? He needs to step up too.

Nimue21 · 26/01/2021 17:28

Well of course your mother is not happy about her 16 year old having a baby. Why would she be? Who would?

You don't get to tell her she's being unreasonable. She's expected to house this new baby, pay for it, take care of it...she doesn't have to just be happy and ok with it.

If your sister thinks she is old enough to be a mother, what has she done to find a home for her child, and to support it?

Swingometer · 26/01/2021 17:29

Where are all the other family members who were 'in full support' of your DSis and her pregnancy now?

Seems like they are all now expecting your DM to take on the responsibility

I feel sorry for your DSis but I also feel sorry for your DM

LizFlowers · 26/01/2021 17:31

@WhatKatyDidNxt

Being blunt but if your sister thinks she is old enough to have a baby then she is old enough to sort out where she lives? She has had 9 months notice to sort something out. Surely she’s worked out she can’t sleep in your nursery forever?
She is only sixteen and I doubt she intended to become pregnant! You can't put an old head on young shoulders but being a parent will make her grow up.

The girl knows she cannot sleep in her sister's nursery indefinitely but she can for now; when the op has her baby she will most likely keep he or she next to her for quite a while.

When her baby is here it would be a good idea for sister to go on a local Housing Association list.

sadpapercourtesan · 26/01/2021 17:32

Your mum needs a serious kick up the arse. She's had time to grieve for the loss of the life she wanted for her 16yo, now it's long past time for her to step up and be a mother again! She's going to have a new grandchild and a vulnerable daughter who need her. I would write her an extremely strongly worded letter and let her know that she's standing at a crossroads; if she doesn't sort her shit out, she's going to lose half of her family. The damage will be far worse than a teenaged pregnancy.

Nimue21 · 26/01/2021 17:33

She is only sixteen and I doubt she intended to become pregnant!

But she did decide to stay pregnant. Which was her decision to make but she has to follow through.

Petitmum · 26/01/2021 17:34

I think you have been rather naive in assuming that everything would turn out ok..............you seem to have just realised the complexity of the situation. You need to sit down as a family and sort out the practicalities of what happens now. It's lovely that you have been there to support your sister but you all need to plan ahead.

RandomUser18282 · 26/01/2021 17:34

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

sadpapercourtesan · 26/01/2021 17:34

I don't understand the posters saying "if she's old enough to have a baby, she's old enough to sort out her own housing". She patently isn't Confused she's 16 and already going through a cataclysmic life change. She needs her parents to get over themselves and be parents.

Don't any of you have a 16yo? Would you really write them off in this situation?

WhatKatyDidNxt · 26/01/2021 17:35

@WINKINGatyourage l know a fair few people who moved out of home at 16. Personally l was 18. You can’t have it both ways after all. I’m not saying OP mother is being reasonable but is she meant to continue to baby 16 year old and then take care of her baby?!

Summersun2020 · 26/01/2021 17:36

Nobody’s saying the mother needs to raise this baby. But if she doesn’t support her child through this emotionally and help to prepare her for impending motherhood, help her arrange housing etc, she’s massively failed as a parent.
Honestly all the comments on here saying the kid essentially made her bed and should lie in it? Would you really honestly abandon your own child if she got pregnant? I hope you’re all ashamed of yourselves.

RandomUser18282 · 26/01/2021 17:37

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Summersun2020 · 26/01/2021 17:37

@WhatKatyDidNxt who’s saying she takes care of the baby? She can support her daughter and help her learn to do this herself and equip her with the tools to be independent.

THATbasicSNOWFLAKE · 26/01/2021 17:37

Your sister sounds lucky to have you op

CovidCakeConundrum · 26/01/2021 17:38

There is a difference to your mum in that that your baby is going to be a grandchild. A baby to spoil and play with on visits. If your sister lives with her it's going to be like having her own again. She'll be woken in the nights and most likely expected to do a lot of changes, baby sitting getting up early, toys all over her house.

How old is your mum? I'm guessing she's over 50 as there's an obvious age gap between you and your sister. Most over 50s would baulk at the idea of doing the newborn days fulltime all over again.

I do agree she needs to get over it and help your sister even if that doesn't include housing her. Could you maybe have a serious chat with your mum? Also this is a lot of stress to be put on you when pregnant.

MissMarpleDarling · 26/01/2021 17:38

I don't think people have said abandon her have they? I read it as saying she needs to access council housing and benefits and not stay in her sisters nursery.

sadpapercourtesan · 26/01/2021 17:38

For anyone who's always wondered about the families who dumped their daughters in mother and baby "homes" - look no further Hmm

And as for "she chose to stay pregnant", the implication that a pregnant teenager should have to choose between keeping her home and family and having an unwanted abortion is fucking disgraceful.

CakeRequired · 26/01/2021 17:39

Maybe your mum is in denial about it all and will be supportive once the baby is here?

It's not nice of her at all though, she should be supportive now. Poor kid. Sad

Original poster
icecreamgirl94 · 26/01/2021 17:40

Oh thank you for so many replies, I really wasn’t expecting that. Let me try and answer the questions, not trying to drip feed I just didn’t want to post a really long first post.

Before this their relationship was good, it was just the 2 of them at home.
I’ve spoken to DM at length about it, I do see both sides of the argument that people have mentioned here. Of course DM shouldn’t just be expected to house DSis and her baby, but I really wasn’t expecting her to shut them out either. I feel like I’ve caused this situation in some way by asking DSis to move in, DM didn’t kick her out, I was just trying to give them both some breathing space and I feel that’s backfired quite badly now.
I think she does need to get on the housing list because even if DM comes round their relationship will obviously be damaged, and DSis probably does need to learn to stand on her own 2 feet now. She is actually a very mature 16 and does seem to understand exactly what keeping this baby will entail. She only asked for things for the baby for Christmas, nothing for herself and is really trying to get everything prepared. I think a talk about housing should be our next move and I think she will understand that, she is just really suffering with anxiety at the moment which isn’t like her at all but it is a lot to take in for her and during very strange times so I do get why she’s struggling so much.
Our dad is lovely but lives in a 1 bedroom flat. He’s offered to have her and the baby and he will sleep on the sofa but we don’t think they solves anything in the long term.

OP posts:
oakleaffy · 26/01/2021 17:41

No mother would wish a pregnancy from a liaison on a child.
16 is a child, and I knew two girls who “
Kept the baby” when we were all the same age,
And it was a far from easy ride.

Your sister probably hasn’t a CLUE about how her life will drastically change.

YOU could find yourself basically mothering THREE kids.. yours, your sister’s and her child.

It won’t be easy for you.

Her mother needs to step up.

Nimue21 · 26/01/2021 17:41

Don't any of you have a 16yo? Would you really write them off in this situation?

I do, I just asked her what she thought of this situation. She says "I wouldn't be so stupid in the first place, and if I was I'd have an abortion, but if I did have a baby I'd make a plan for what I was going to do about it all".

I'd support her, for sure, but I wouldn't be happy about it at all.

OP hasn't helped matters here.

YoniAndGuy · 26/01/2021 17:42

Your mum is awful. I'm not sure I'd be able to stomach seeing her coo over your baby when you know just how conditional all that so-called love is Angry

Your babies should be in with you bedroom-wise for at least six months - we were ages more than that! Honestly, the best thing sounds like letting her stay with you for the next six months or so and during that time, make a plan of action. You'll also get to see just how well she copes, which will inform your decision making. And hopefully, COVID stuff may have abated enough for finding a flat etc to be easier.

Good luck. And please distance yourself from your mum - if she can't welcome one grandchild, she doesn't deserve to get to play granny with the other. It's really not about her.