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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Me and DSis pregnant. Mum only happy for me.

818 replies

icecreamgirl94 · 26/01/2021 17:08

Hi, newbie here. Not sure exactly what I’m asking to be honest, I’ve been debating what to write for a few hours! I think I just need to write it down.
I’m pregnant, due in March. This is the best news ever, DP and I have been trying for 6 years and had 2 losses so all the family are on cloud 9.
My 16 year old sister is also pregnant, obviously unplanned. The father doesn’t want any involvement and DSis had an abortion booked twice but has decided to keep the baby and the family have said they will support her choice. Everyone that is except our mum who has taken the news very badly. DSis didn’t tell her until nearly 4 months and since then their relationship has been awful. Back in September I invited DSis to stay with me and DP throughout the pregnancy, I thought it might be nice for us to be pregnant together and be a more relaxing environment for her. Since then DM has barely spoken to her.
Anyway the reason I’m posting is because DSis is due now and looks like she could go at any moment. She’s in our spare room (which is meant to be the nursery for our baby) and none of us really know what to do once her baby arrives. Realistically she can’t stay here, but I don’t want her to go back to DM’s if she isn’t going to be supportive. I’d hoped that once the baby arrived DM’s attitude would change but that seems less and less likely. DM is also really excited about my baby which makes me feel awful for poor DSis who is really anxious about the birth and just wants her mum. AIBU to expect better from DM?
Sorry I don’t even know why I’m posting this, I just don’t know what to do. Thanks if anyone does read.

OP posts:
Original poster
icecreamgirl94 · 30/01/2021 16:23

@Cattenberg to the best of my knowledge there aren’t any issues going on with the baby’s father other than that he has told her he doesn’t want to be involved. We’ve told her it doesn’t work like that, especially now the baby is here, and she needs to make contact with him. Obviously that’s easier said than done for her.
@isitsafetocomeoutyet thank you for such a well thought out messsge. She found out at about 7 weeks and told the father straight away, she then told DP and I at almost 10 weeks and our dad a couple of days later, so we knew for around a month before DM. I’m not saying that was right at all, but DSis explained why she didn’t want DM to know at that point and I didn’t feel it was my place to interfere with that. If she had gone through with an abortion she had no intention of ever letting DM know about it which to be honest didn’t sit well with me and I’m not sure what I would have done about that. As soon as she was unable to go through with the abortion for a second time we told her DM needed to know. We have all spoken with DM since then and she certainly came across as very understanding about why she was the last to know, even when it’s just been me and her having a heart to heart together. Yes DSis did speak to someone impartial during the decision making process. Actually no, I wouldn’t particularly say DM is the doer in the family, I’m 27 and live with DP, so we obviously do our own thing, and most things that DSis needs to be proactive about is more often taken care of by dad, but that’s not to say DM doesn’t take care of things as well sometimes. I fully agree we didn’t do enough to prepare for this in the last 4 months, we all (clearly naively) had sort of decided we would wait until the birth at which point DM would let us know exactly how long she was happy to have DSis and the baby under her roof and if she felt things weren’t working out then we would all work together to find the best solution. As I said it was only last week that DM changed her mind about having DSis back at all which threw us all in at the deep end a bit, but you’re right we probably should have done more anyway. We have everything the baby needs and were well prepared in that respect. The baby’s father is obviously a sore subject and there’s only so much pushing you can give a 16 year old before they shut you out.
@MrsWindass absolutely no need for a paternity test, he’s the only one she’s ever had sex with and he is perfectly aware that he’s the father, he’s never tried to deny that.
@Viviennemary what a strange thing to post. You seem to have read something entirely different to what I’ve actually written. You’re perfect right, making decisions for other people isn’t how it works, so it’s a good job that that isn’t what’s been happening here isn’t it? Strange however that it seems perfectly fine for you to decide for me that I need to buy a bigger house. I think I’ll stick to the advice from the posters who are living in the real world thanks.

OP posts:
MessAllOver · 30/01/2021 17:15

How are your DSis and the baby doing, OP? Hope all's going well and she's managing to get some rest and recovery time.

Original poster
icecreamgirl94 · 30/01/2021 17:57

@MessAllOver they’re doing well thank you Smile She’s taking it all in her stride and sleeping when the baby sleeps. She went to our dad’s a couple of hours ago and he’s planning to talk to her about everything that needs organising in a few days when she’s had some time to adjust, but so far so good. I don’t think I’ve moved from the sofa since she left and I’m only just realising how exhausted and pregnant I am!

OP posts:
MessAllOver · 30/01/2021 18:00

So pleased to hear that @icecreamgirl94. Becoming a mother is such a huge life change, and it doesn't matter whether you're 16 or 36 Smile.

RandomMess · 30/01/2021 19:08

I'm so glad the birth went well and your DSIS is doing ok. I'm glad your Dad has stepped in to ensure that you get a break by her moving in with him for now.

Hopefully the father's family will want to know and have a relationship with the baby as she needs so much support to get through school.

Now time to get your baby here too, only a few weeks to go!!

Take care of of yourself Thanks

Cameleongirl · 30/01/2021 19:11

I'm so glad your Dsis and the baby are doing well and tbh, I'm relieved that you're getting the chance to rest properly before your baby arrives.

At the start of this thread, you sounded so concerned about your Dsis that I wondered whether your needs were being met and what having her stay longer would do to you physically and mentally.

Take care of yourself and let your Dad take care of his daughter/granddaughter, it sounds like they're all fine. Flowers

Dinkydody · 30/01/2021 19:37

Actually 🤔 if you’re dad took her in he would be classed as over crowded and may get housed quicker. My daughter had a baby very young and it’s not the end of the world, wouldn’t be without my grandson now. Your mother may come round once baby is born. There has been some nasty comments on this thread aimed at both sides but I don’t think that’s helpful. Don’t blame your for trying to help your sister is fortunate to have you 😊

Dinkydody · 30/01/2021 19:49

Sorry.. I didn’t read through all the posts. Congratulations and wonderful to hear dad is supporting new mum. Time for you to rest before your little one arrives 😌...... I’m actually glad I didn’t read until the end, sounds like thread got nasty 🙄

haggistramp · 31/01/2021 15:58

Tbh if the father has said he wants no involvement there's not much you can do, other than claim csa, which if he is underage is fairly unlikely. I suppose his parents ought to know but really its his place to tell them.

Original poster
icecreamgirl94 · 31/01/2021 18:24

Thank you everyone Smile
@Dinkydody yeah it did get a bit nasty unfortunately, but I also got lots of helpful comments which is what I came here for so I’m grateful for that.
@haggistramp this is what’s making the situation so difficult for us, it’s hard to gage exactly how against being involved he actually was having not spoken to him myself. I don’t think he’s told his parents, because if he had I would have expected DSis to have heard from them. However the father feels, I think his parents have a right to know that they have a grandchild. Hopefully our dad will be able to make DSis see that.

OP posts:
mama3bears · 10/02/2021 12:40

@icecreamgirl94

Thank you everyone Smile *@Dinkydody* yeah it did get a bit nasty unfortunately, but I also got lots of helpful comments which is what I came here for so I’m grateful for that. *@haggistramp* this is what’s making the situation so difficult for us, it’s hard to gage exactly how against being involved he actually was having not spoken to him myself. I don’t think he’s told his parents, because if he had I would have expected DSis to have heard from them. However the father feels, I think his parents have a right to know that they have a grandchild. Hopefully our dad will be able to make DSis see that.
How's your dsis getting on now? Have you had your baby yet? I think it's lovely that the cousins will be so close in age and hopefully have a close relationship.
Original poster
icecreamgirl94 · 10/02/2021 18:12

@mama3bears she is doing really well thank you, she’s taken to motherhood so well. She’s spoken to the father and his parents, they haven’t met the baby because of lockdown restrictions but have been in regular contact and seen photos etc. I’m still pregnant, just over 3 weeks to go Grin

OP posts:
DisappearingGirl · 10/02/2021 20:21

I've been following this OP, nice update. Hope all goes well for you and your dsis

Original poster
icecreamgirl94 · 12/02/2021 15:46

@DisappearingGirl thank you very much Smile

OP posts:
Humblebumbleoh · 17/02/2021 11:14

Wishing you and your sister the best op

Original poster
icecreamgirl94 · 17/02/2021 18:51

@Humblebumbleoh thank you. I had my baby on Monday night Grin

OP posts:
AuntyMabelandPippin · 17/02/2021 21:36

Congratulations. Babies are so lovely.

2ndtimemum2 · 17/02/2021 21:50

@icecreamgirl94 congrats Flowers enjoy every minute of it it will go past somquickly

mama3bears · 17/02/2021 22:26

Congratulations! Hope you are all well Thanks

Turtletotem · 17/02/2021 23:20

Wonderful news congratulations 😊

Joinedjustforthispost · 17/02/2021 23:59

Congratulations op! Also glad things are doing better for your dsis, she is lucky to have a lovely big sister. @icecreamgirl94

KatherineJaneway · 18/02/2021 05:18

Congratulations Flowers

aweegc · 18/02/2021 05:34

Wow! Congratulations OP! How are you doing?

I've been following from the beginning but didn't have anything useful to add. I was, however, hoping your baby (and DSis' of course) arrived safely.

AnitaB888 · 18/02/2021 06:44

@icecreamgirl94

"I don’t know much about the father so I can’t really comment much, I just know that he’s her age, he went to both abortion appointments with her but respected her choice to not go through with it and gave her some money (not sure on the amount) for the baby but made it clear he wants no more involvement"

Well, he is involved and the law says he has a legal duty to support his child. Your sister needs to make sure she gets a maintenance order in place as soon as possible after baby is born.
Her Health Visitor will help with advice on this and other issues.
She needs to visit the local Health Centre to see what help and guidance are available to her.

Shineonyoucrazy · 18/02/2021 07:00

Is it worth ringing Children's Social Care? You are shortly to have three children in your care, 2 of them newborns. Your sis is your DMs responsibility. If she is not willing/able to accommodate and care for her and the baby and you are struggling to then your sis needs any help going in this managing herself. Being pro choice means supporting women to have abortions or not, and your sis chose not. That's her perogative. You seem very caring and I hope you all find a way through.

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