Me and DSis pregnant. Mum only happy for me.

[icecreamgirl94]

Hi, newbie here. Not sure exactly what I’m asking to be honest, I’ve been debating what to write for a few hours! I think I just need to write it down.
I’m pregnant, due in March. This is the best news ever, DP and I have been trying for 6 years and had 2 losses so all the family are on cloud 9.
My 16 year old sister is also pregnant, obviously unplanned. The father doesn’t want any involvement and DSis had an abortion booked twice but has decided to keep the baby and the family have said they will support her choice. Everyone that is except our mum who has taken the news very badly. DSis didn’t tell her until nearly 4 months and since then their relationship has been awful. Back in September I invited DSis to stay with me and DP throughout the pregnancy, I thought it might be nice for us to be pregnant together and be a more relaxing environment for her. Since then DM has barely spoken to her.
Anyway the reason I’m posting is because DSis is due now and looks like she could go at any moment. She’s in our spare room (which is meant to be the nursery for our baby) and none of us really know what to do once her baby arrives. Realistically she can’t stay here, but I don’t want her to go back to DM’s if she isn’t going to be supportive. I’d hoped that once the baby arrived DM’s attitude would change but that seems less and less likely. DM is also really excited about my baby which makes me feel awful for poor DSis who is really anxious about the birth and just wants her mum. AIBU to expect better from DM?
Sorry I don’t even know why I’m posting this, I just don’t know what to do. Thanks if anyone does read.

I feel sad for your mum, pp are right that she knew exactly what was coming, practical and financial responsibility for another baby for years and years. I don't blame her to saying no.

I also feel sad for your sister, it must be so sad and lonely for her. It must be sad for her to see everyone happy about your baby and sad about hers even if she understands why.

However I'd say you need to sort her housing either way before her baby is born. To be blunt, afterwards she will need support and once your baby is born you will find yourself taking responsibility for two babies and a teenager. You need privacy and space to get to know your baby and space to adapt as parents. Once she's had the baby you will never be able to move her out because she will always need you. Even if she goes to her dad's for the time being.

The best thing she could have done was have an abortion

Not if she felt that would be killing her baby. Maybe she felt that the baby she had created had a right to live their life.

She clearly considered a termination. Being forced into it could have destroyed her mental health.

16 year olds will get pregnant. So will other teenagers. A civilised society looks after them.

How do you suggest we don't allow them to do it? Maybe we should lock them all up in the old mother and baby homes, deny them access to medical treatment and bury the babies in the garden like they used to do. Then we won't have to garner the compassion and empathy it takes to help these young women to create loving and stable homes for their babies when their families don't want them.

OP, FWIW, I think you've done the best you can in difficult circumstances. Your DSis has experienced love and support from you and that will have made a huge difference to her. She's lucky to have you in her life.

Jesus there are some vile comments on this thread.
Nobody here knows the situation. We don't know the circumstances that led to a 16 year old being pregnant. Yes, most likely it's someone a similar age and in a consenting relationship... but maybe not.
Whatever the circumstances, the stark facts are that a child needs serious support and guidance now, and OP is left to deal with it.
Good luck, OP. You sound like a lovely person and a great sibling.

Not surprised you're mum isn't happy at a 16 year old being pregnant not many people would be. Why should your Mum now be responsible for a young teenager and a baby. If youre so concerned let her remain at your house

This post is so desperately sad. I remember when I was a teen, asking my mum what she would do if I found myself pregnant as a teenager and she replied that she would feel so very sorry for me and that’s how I feel reading this.
I can’t understand your mum’s mindset that she is just washing her hands of the the whole situation. If it were my daughter I would do anything she needed to help and support her, because it’s my daughter and grandchild.

This isn't a good situation OP and yes, I agree, you've probably made it a bit easier for your sister not to take any sort of role in sorting out some plans for herself. She needs to do that because she's decided that she's going to be a mum. Absolutely her right to do that but it's not sensible to do that when you haven't sorted the practicalities. Your sister has had two abortions previously, it's her choice to keep this baby - it's not her right to decide that other people will take it on as well.

I agree with MessAllOver about the rah-rah 'delight' from the rest of the family who are not taking any active role in supporting your sister. It's very easy to cheerlead from the sidelines. Lots of posters do that too, they call other posters names because they can, because they will have no impact from whatever nonsense they spout. Sure, OP is going to stop her much-wanted baby from having a relationship with its grandmother... and OP should be laying down the law to her mother. Sure, these maverick posters would do that,, absolutely sure.

I absolutely agree that social service should be helping support your sister, OP. You say that she is anxious, hardly surprising but she has to start making some adult decisions because she's electing to be a mum and needs to get some support for herself and her baby.

If this were my sister, I'd be getting our mum to help get things organised for her daughter. OP, your mum's in shock because she's realising the impact. You're not because you see this as short-term - and your sister's not seeing this at all. All three of you could work on a 'game plan' to support your sister and the best thing of all is to get her to start helping herself too - she has to grow up fast because that's the route she's chosen.

Best to all of you, including your mum.

@Aprilx

It is easy to understand why your mother would be happy for your pregnancy but not your sister’s.

Unfortunately I agree with your self assessment that you have probably added to the problem rather than alleviated it when you asked your sister to move in with you. You are now in the scenario of either having to throw her out as a new mother or she gets to use your nursery first and you won’t have the opportunity to bond in private with your own family.

If you had left your sister where she was, considering she hadn’t been thrown out, your mother might have come around by now. I am 50 now but many moons ago my best friend got pregnant when she was 16, it was more unusual then and her parents were not at all happy for some months, but eventually they came round and were supportive by the time she was due. I think you need to act quickly now as a family to sort this out, I also think the onus is somewhat on you as she is a child herself and you need the resolution perhaps more than your mother does. I can’t believe you left these major issues unresolved until she is nearly due!

I agree with this completely. You say your dsis didn’t tell her until she was gone 4 months and she’s been living with you since September so your mum didn’t get a whole lot of time to get her head round it before you decided it’d be nice if dsis moved in with you to enjoy being pregnant together .

So many posters vilifying your mum because she didn’t immediately react to a teenage pregnancy with delight but in reality it’s not what most good mums would want for their daughter so hardly a surprise she wasn’t thrilled. You say they’d previously had a good relationship so chances are they’d have had time and space to talk had you not interfered by moving dsis in with you. I can’t imagine it’s that easy for either of them to try to mend fences when dsis is living with you.

What have you done since September to try to improve things or make arrangements for dsis and her baby? Have you discussed living arrangements with her or your mum?

Firstly the pregnancy was unplanned. How did it happen? To me there's a difference between a contraception fail, and just not using it.

Yes, really important question- knowing the answer to this will make a flat magically appear to house the girl and baby.

Ffs. How is that even relevant? It’s done now- the baby is almost here. You just want to know how much you get to sneer and judge her.

Sorry OP, your sister hasn't had abortions previously, just the appointments. Understood.

Your mum, despite what some posters are alleging, hasn't kicked your sister out of her home, has she? Just that their relationship isn't great now?

The best thing she could have done was have an abortion - but i bet the attention seeking little madam deliberately hid it from you all until the 4 month limit - so it would be too late for an early abortion.

The girl made two separate visits to have an abortion and decided twice not to have one. Doesn’t sound like someone trying to avoid an abortion. Sounds like someone who decided abortion wasn’t right for her.

@monkeymonkey2010

This is why 16 year old shouldn't be having children - children are NOT A RIGHT! THEY ARE A RESPONSIBILITY!

Who did she think was going to fund her lifestyle choice - her mum????
Why should her mum be forced to take on responsibility for this pregnancy?????
You've done her no favours by enabling her irresponsible attitude!
Why hasn't she been seeking support from Social Services etc during this time?

How can you 'have the right' to bear children yet have no fucking clue about responsibility????
The best thing she could have done was have an abortion - but i bet the attention seeking little madam deliberately hid it from you all until the 4 month limit - so it would be too late for an early abortion.

I hope you don't have any daughters

Well said @Loopylobes

I am passionate about women having choices when it comes to pregnancy - that means acess to abortion at any time, for any reason - but it also means NEVER forcing or coercing a pregnant woman to "get rid of it", for any reason.

Of course the pregnant girl's mother could argue that HER choice not to take care of a baby in her 50s matters too - and it does, but I would argue that she's already made that choice. Having children means they grow up to be teenagers, and a certain number of teenaged girls every year fuck up and end up pregnant. As mothers they're our responsibility and we can't just abdicate, however much we don't like the reality.

At the very least she should be housing her daughter while she learns how to take care of her baby and recovers from the pregnancy and birth, and supporting her through the process of developing independence in terms of housing and finances, and helping her sort out what she is going to do about her education and childcare.

This mother has effectively washed her hands of her. Which is unconscionable.

bottom line here, your mum isn't prepared to take a hit on your sister's account.
These chickens will come home to roost

Why is it necessarily the mother's responsibility? The father is apparently more enthusiastic about the pregnancy. Maybe it's his turn to be the resident parent for a bit. He can do all those things you mention @sadpapercourtesan.

@MessAllOver

Everyone on this thread who says the DSis is a child is absolutely right. She is a child. She shouldn't be having one. The rest of the family should have butted out when the mother and DSis were discussing what to do. Instead, it sounds like they may have had a hand in convincing Dsis to keep the baby. Really unfair on both mother and daughter. The mother, because they've essentially set her up to raise another child. The daughter, because having a baby at 16 is rarely a good life choice.

OP, I don't see a good outcome to this. If I were your mother, I would reluctantly take DSis back (because I couldn't abandon my child) and start preparing to raise a child again. But I'd be mighty pissed off at the rest of you.

Whether or not she had an abortion was not her mum’s choice but her choice alone. Of course she can listen to opinions but what she does with her body should never be dictated by someone else.

So many evil (yes I said it) views on this thread. If the 16 year old were a 32 year old pregnant woman escaping an abusive relationship, and the mother was acting in the same way the comments would be completely different. How much more is a mother’s support necessary when it’s a child involved.

My mother behaved in a similar way when I was pregnant and unmarried at 26 due to my family’s religious views and the relationship hasn’t quite recovered since. What is the point in family if when you need them most and you’re at your weakest they turn their back on you. And I wasn’t homeless I just needed emotional support so I can’t begin to imagine how this 16 year old is feeling.

OP you sound like a great sister and you haven’t done anything wrong. What I would say is that it’s always easier to get things planned before the baby arrives- you never know whether your sister will have a sleeper or not, whether she’ll get PND and whether any birth or recovery complications completely consume her energy after baby’s here.

Maybe it's his turn to be the resident parent for a bit. He can do all those things you mention

He has offered to.

@MessAllOver

Why is it necessarily the mother's responsibility? The father is apparently more enthusiastic about the pregnancy. Maybe it's his turn to be the resident parent for a bit. He can do all those things you mention *@sadpapercourtesan*.

OP said that he only has a 1 bed or studio flat (though he has offered to sleep on the sofa).

The dad has offered to house his daughter and her baby. I think that's probably the second-best option.

It doesn't actually absolve the girl's mother of responsibility though. Most young women who don't have horrific toxic mothers want them around when they're having their first baby. And that's without being sixteen years old and probably terrified.

Poor kid. She is so young, and this will be really hard. Understandable that your mum is upset, even angry. But I am shocked she can’t put that to a side and support her child.

It’s a mistake, a big one, but she will need support.

She is so lucky to have you. Could your dad move to a bigger place? In reality your sister will need support for a few years,

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe yes that’s correct, this is her first pregnancy.

I’ve just spoken on the phone to DM, told her DSis has been having some stomach pain and that it probably won’t be much longer until the baby arrives. I apologised to her for asking DSis to move in, that I can see now that that may have made their relationship more difficult, especially with covid restrictions, and that I would be talking to DSis about accommodation when the baby is here.

I know a few people have mentioned everyone in the family being pleased for DSis because they expected DM to house her and the baby. I didn’t say they were pleased, I said they were supporting her choice, no one felt it was their place to tell her what to do. My dad also said she could stay at his if DM wasn’t happy but as I said that didn’t seem a suitable idea because of space. I’m not defending anyone’s actions here I’m just trying to make the situation clearer if I didn’t earlier.

@MessAllOver

Why is it necessarily the mother's responsibility? The father is apparently more enthusiastic about the pregnancy. Maybe it's his turn to be the resident parent for a bit. He can do all those things you mention *@sadpapercourtesan*.

Agree, but it seems that because he only has a one bed flat that's all he has to do just offer and is a hero?

@thetinselbadge

I feel sad for your mum, pp are right that she knew exactly what was coming, practical and financial responsibility for another baby for years and years. I don't blame her to saying no.

I also feel sad for your sister, it must be so sad and lonely for her. It must be sad for her to see everyone happy about your baby and sad about hers even if she understands why.

However I'd say you need to sort her housing either way before her baby is born. To be blunt, afterwards she will need support and once your baby is born you will find yourself taking responsibility for two babies and a teenager. You need privacy and space to get to know your baby and space to adapt as parents. Once she's had the baby you will never be able to move her out because she will always need you. Even if she goes to her dad's for the time being.

Why do people have such a low view of teen mums? I grew up in an area with a high rate of teenage pregnancy and 3 of my close school friends were teen mothers (two at 16 and one at 17). All of them moved out of their mums when they turned 18 (except the 17 year old who was already living with their boyfriend). All of them completed their education and 2 went on to become nurses, the other married her childhood sweetheart and is a sahm.

It’s very insulting to suggest that teen mums don’t raise their babies and aren’t independent. I doubt you even know any teenage mothers in real life.

Poor girl. Even if she gets housed it will probably be in temporary accommodation,

@WhatKatyDidNxt

Being blunt but if your sister thinks she is old enough to have a baby then she is old enough to sort out where she lives? She has had 9 months notice to sort something out. Surely she’s worked out she can’t sleep in your nursery forever?

Unfortunately OP I can't help but agree with this.

Not sure what advice to give apart from just be there for your sister - she needs you now more than ever. I can understand why your mum is disappointed but she needs to slap herself out of it. This baby will be here soon whether she likes it or not.

Good luck with your baby OP

What is the point in family if when you need them most and you’re at your weakest they turn their back on you
this, not just kicking her when she's down, kicking a pregnant woman when she's down
at her most scared and vulnerable she treats her like this
wtf!!