Me and DSis pregnant. Mum only happy for me.

[icecreamgirl94]

Hi, newbie here. Not sure exactly what I’m asking to be honest, I’ve been debating what to write for a few hours! I think I just need to write it down.
I’m pregnant, due in March. This is the best news ever, DP and I have been trying for 6 years and had 2 losses so all the family are on cloud 9.
My 16 year old sister is also pregnant, obviously unplanned. The father doesn’t want any involvement and DSis had an abortion booked twice but has decided to keep the baby and the family have said they will support her choice. Everyone that is except our mum who has taken the news very badly. DSis didn’t tell her until nearly 4 months and since then their relationship has been awful. Back in September I invited DSis to stay with me and DP throughout the pregnancy, I thought it might be nice for us to be pregnant together and be a more relaxing environment for her. Since then DM has barely spoken to her.
Anyway the reason I’m posting is because DSis is due now and looks like she could go at any moment. She’s in our spare room (which is meant to be the nursery for our baby) and none of us really know what to do once her baby arrives. Realistically she can’t stay here, but I don’t want her to go back to DM’s if she isn’t going to be supportive. I’d hoped that once the baby arrived DM’s attitude would change but that seems less and less likely. DM is also really excited about my baby which makes me feel awful for poor DSis who is really anxious about the birth and just wants her mum. AIBU to expect better from DM?
Sorry I don’t even know why I’m posting this, I just don’t know what to do. Thanks if anyone does read.

But she absolutely SHOULD be expected to house your sister and her baby

Your sister is 16. Your mother is still responsible for her. A teenaged pregnancy, while not ideal, is not the most unusual or shocking thing that has ever happened to a family.

@Nimue21 would your daughter expect to be shunned and not offered house room if she decided to keep her baby at 16? Because "I'd make a plan" uttered by a non-pregnant 16yo is a very long way from actually being about to drop and having nowhere to live because your mother has abandoned all responsibility.

@WhatKatyDidNxt

Being blunt but if your sister thinks she is old enough to have a baby then she is old enough to sort out where she lives? She has had 9 months notice to sort something out. Surely she’s worked out she can’t sleep in your nursery forever?

[quote WhatKatyDidNxt]@WINKINGatyourage l know a fair few people who moved out of home at 16. Personally l was 18. You can’t have it both ways after all. I’m not saying OP mother is being reasonable but is she meant to continue to baby 16 year old and then take care of her baby?![/quote]
So? some 16 year olds are mature, some aren’t. Some have to move out at 16 whether they’re mature or not.

You literally can have it both ways. What a stupid thing to say. you can be having a baby but still not be mature enough to know what you need to do to house and care for yourself. That happens all the time- I’m not sure why you think it doesn’t.

Where did I say the grandmother should baby her 16 year old and care for her baby?

Do you even read posts?

She’s 16. They aren’t fully cooked adults. Just because their bodies are ready to create life and her inbuilt biological instinct wants to keep it doesn’t mean she suddenly knows how to sort everything out for herself. This is a whole new world for her to navigate. She needs help and support and her own mother has effectively abandoned her instead of helping her work all this stuff out.

Agree with this. If you think the 16 year old isn't taking responsibility, then the same applies to the mother. It's quite possible this girl was pregnant at 15, still technically a child in a vulnerable situation, and she abandoned her. It's the mother who is running scared and is probably trying to save face. She needs to take responsibility too.

OP you are doing an amazing thing for your sister. There are some good resources on here that will help your sister and you can guide her through the situation and get her to take the steps forward, which will build her confidence in herself. You can take pride when your niece/nephew has grown up that you helped them have the right start in life. As for your mum, I'm sure she will regret her actions.

DM is 56, there are 11 years between me and DSis who was an unplanned surprise!

A pair of house bricks strategically used would be the best thing for the father of your DSis's baby.

Or perhaps he takes inspiration from a man who does not even acknowledge all of his own children. Mr Boris Johnson.

This would break my relationship with my mum tbh. I wouldn't want her fawning all over my newborn knowing she wasn't arsed about her other innocent grandchild, whilst leaving her own child scared and alone when she needed her most.

Imagine her coming to visit and ignoring your sister and baby whilst snuggling yours?

I don’t know much about the father so I can’t really comment much, I just know that he’s her age, he went to both abortion appointments with her but respected her choice to not go through with it and gave her some money (not sure on the amount) for the baby but made it clear he wants no more involvement.

I agree, this is not your mum’s issue, it’s your sister’s. She chose to get pregnant - or was too stupid to avoid it - and she chose to keep it. With those decisions comes responsibility. Who does she think is going to do it! Does she think the problems are just going to magically be solved? How does she plan to afford any of it? She should have this all organised. If she thinks she’s ready to be a mum then she’d better get control of her own life before she finds herself responsible for a baby. She’s not fit to keep a baby if she can’t even manage herself.

I suspect both DM and DSis are now expecting you to house DSis.

I got pregnant at just turned 17 already had a full time job so moved out and rented a flat it wasn't all that hard as it simply had to be done i had no other option. Good luck to your sister op I'm sure she will do just fine x

You both need to go and sit down and talk with your mum (and dad if around) asap. You all need to work out a plan. She cant stay at yours and I would make that clear. If her parents wont have her at home then you need to get onto social services to find out your sisters options. Does she have a social worker?

I was pregnant at 18, I was working full time and moved into my own house. 18 for me was a whole world away from 16. I’d never have managed as I did when I was 18. There’s so much growing up done in those two short years. This 16 year old has made a big decision, yes, and she’ll need help to get her on her feet if she stands any chance of being a happy, healthy, capable parent while raising her baby.

Your mum probably thinks that she's going to be left holding the baby (your sister's), both practically and financially. And, if your sister moves back home, that's probably what's going to happen. So it's no wonder she's less than thrilled (besides which, she's probably worried about your sister's future). She was probably hoping to be past that stage by now and looking forward to a less stressful life spoiling her grandchildren.

If I were in this situation, I'd be devastated, to be honest. Because the most likely way I would see for my child to continue in full-time education and access further/higher education and qualifications to build a good life for themselves would be for me to proxy parent for the first few years. And parenting a baby/young child is exhausting.

Your DM is totally wrong to put you in this position. She has effectively dumped responsibility for your ds and her new baby on you. You are expecting your own baby in March and need your own nursery, space etc. So she is disappointed - she needs to get over it.

She cannot be allowed to favour your baby whilst ostracising your ds and her baby who are vulnerable.

I speak as a gp carer whose dd had a baby at 15. After the initial shock, we offered support and she lived with us once she had her son. She is acting like it is the 1960s. What exactly does she think is going to happen to her own daughter?

I do wonder if she is panicking about having a new baby living with her. You wouldn't believe the amount of negative comments I had, how the baby would wreck the house etc like it was a gremlin fgs. It really is not half as bad as your fears. Perhaps at 56 she was looking forward to a child free retirement.

You need to speak to her and tell her what a difficult situation she has placed you in. It is a shame she is not a kind person like you, your sister is lucky to have you.

Has she considered adoption?
Whilst often maligned it is certainly something worth considering.

very tricky situation but I'm appalled at those who would just stand back with their arms folded and watch to see if this poor girls sinks or swims.
Your mother clearly doesnt want to be burdened with the 'fruits of her daughters misadventure'
I hope your sister powers on and makes a success of her life, and turns her back on the mother who turned her back
What a b1tch, I would never do that to my daughter

Right. Surely your sister needs to get onto housing now.
And or ring cab for advice
If she's in hospital it might be prudential for her to say she has nowhere to go. So she gets a social worker allocated etc.
I know that sounds like I'm saying abandon her but I'm pretty sure that if you're even offering a temporary room she goes further down the list.
That said there's no flats waiting. Horrible hostel.
You need to help her navigate this next stretch
Congratulations to you both though.

@icecreamgirl94

DM is 56, there are 11 years between me and DSis who was an unplanned surprise!

Ironic that she's being so unsupportive of her daughter when accidentally pregnant then!

Yes, a 16 year old is able to get pregnant but so are 14 year olds, and I don't think many people would say one of them should head out into the world alone with a baby without the support of their family. As a mother, even if she's not housing them, she should be parenting her by helping her work out next steps. I'm not surprised your sister is anxious in her situation; some love and care from her mum could go a very long way towards resolving some of that.

OP does your sister have any furniture for the baby? Worst case scenario is she's stuck with you for a while and you'll have to move your baby's crib into your bedroom while she stays in the nursery. Obviously I understand this isn't ideal but may be necessary for a while.
Your DM should absolutely take responsibility for her daughter and whether she likes it she needs to house your Dsis. Instead of talking to your Mum about it, you need to tell her what's going to happen. Have your Dsis move back in with DM and make sure she's prepared to have a strained relationship but to be grateful for a roof over her head. With time I'm sure your DM will accept what's happened and I'm sure she'll love the baby no matter what. Make it clear that Dsis has intentions to be self sufficient but needs some time to get used to looking after a baby before she moves out. Put everything in action regarding housing, getting furniture and benefits etc and make sure your DM knows this will be happening so that even if she isn't happy about Dsis moving in, she'll know she has plans to take responsibility for her child.

Reassure your sister that no matter what, she has somewhere to stay and she will be safe and okay. There are lots of charities that support young mums. She and the baby will be fine.

I second what other posters have said about limiting your mother's contact with your child if possible. Her love is entirely conditional and I don't know how it would effect her relationship with either babies if she favours one over the other.

Congratulations on your pregnancy though, I hope everything goes smoothly.

@icecreamgirl94

DM is 56, there are 11 years between me and DSis who was an unplanned surprise!

oh the irony:(

OP it sounds like your mum isn’t going to be available for any support for your sister.

I would sit down with DSIS and write a list together of what needs to be sorted.

1. housing- she needs to go on the housing list. You can research together how she does this and if necessary I would accompany her to any appointments she has to attend

2. finances- she needs to find out what, if any, benefits she will be entitled to, assuming she doesn’t work full time? She also needs to apply for child maintenance from the father.

3. schooling- what are her plans? I would encourage her to finish school where at all possible- it gives her and her baby a much better outcome prospect

4. childcare- she will need this if she goes to school or gets a job- what are her options and what financial help is there towards the cost.

@waydownwego

I suspect both DM and DSis are now expecting you to house DSis.

Me too, because both you and your sister have left this until the very last second to sort out any housing for her. She clearly has no intention of moving out.

Does your sister have a job? Does the 16 year old father have a job? How is she intending to support her child? Where does she intend to live? Where are the supportive family members now?

The harsh reality is that she is having a baby and intending to raise it but with what? Did she consider adoption at any stage? This isn't her one and only shot at having and raising a baby. She could do this under better circumstances later on, in a stable relationship, when she has a place to live, when she is more financially stable.

While she has lived with you has she done equal share of cooking and cleaning or have you looked after her? Maybe that is why your Mum is unhappy because she knows she will be put upon if your sister returns home.

I'd speak to housing, although, its very unlikely she will be housed as she is not 18 (too young for a tenancy).

They might be able to suggest an alternative services to contact for help.