Me and DSis pregnant. Mum only happy for me.

[icecreamgirl94]

Hi, newbie here. Not sure exactly what I’m asking to be honest, I’ve been debating what to write for a few hours! I think I just need to write it down.
I’m pregnant, due in March. This is the best news ever, DP and I have been trying for 6 years and had 2 losses so all the family are on cloud 9.
My 16 year old sister is also pregnant, obviously unplanned. The father doesn’t want any involvement and DSis had an abortion booked twice but has decided to keep the baby and the family have said they will support her choice. Everyone that is except our mum who has taken the news very badly. DSis didn’t tell her until nearly 4 months and since then their relationship has been awful. Back in September I invited DSis to stay with me and DP throughout the pregnancy, I thought it might be nice for us to be pregnant together and be a more relaxing environment for her. Since then DM has barely spoken to her.
Anyway the reason I’m posting is because DSis is due now and looks like she could go at any moment. She’s in our spare room (which is meant to be the nursery for our baby) and none of us really know what to do once her baby arrives. Realistically she can’t stay here, but I don’t want her to go back to DM’s if she isn’t going to be supportive. I’d hoped that once the baby arrived DM’s attitude would change but that seems less and less likely. DM is also really excited about my baby which makes me feel awful for poor DSis who is really anxious about the birth and just wants her mum. AIBU to expect better from DM?
Sorry I don’t even know why I’m posting this, I just don’t know what to do. Thanks if anyone does read.

I think a good person to speak to would be the health visitor. They should be able to put your sister in touch with the right services to get her safely housed.

Does your sister have any support via her midwife / social services?

If not, can you talk with her midwife to try to get a referral for support? And engage with the Hv once baby is born.

And - the father - it doesn't matter he doesn't want to be involved - once baby is here she needs to seek support via CMS. He needs to contribute to his child financially if not practically and emotionally.

Realistically you are going to need your DSis to have other support mechanisms in place so that you aren't overwhelmed as you prepare for your baby. Social services or a HV may be able to help her access childcare, college etc.

I suspect the problem is by choosing to keep the baby, your dm may feel that HER choice has been taken away from her.
I won't be 50 when dd is 16. If she gets pregnant I'll be gutted, because as far as I'm concerned, I'm living a baby free life now and having a 16 year old + baby would ruin that. The noise, the mess, the having a bloody baby in the house house again when I'm done with all that. Yes, that's selfish of me, but then, I spent my late teens and twenties trying NOT to have a baby until I knew I could look after it myself/ with dh. I wouldn't kick dd out, but with a demanding full time job, I wouldn't be keen to go back to looking after a baby again either.

Have you spoken to your sister about what she wants and what her plans are? She might need a listening ear and someone to help with sorting somewhere to stay. Most councils have young parent and baby units, where there are staff on site to help offer support.

At 16, your sister is still a child. She has the right to be protected. If you cannot house her once her baby is here, and your mother will not either, then you need to contact social services. She should be able to go into a mother and baby unit, or mother and baby fostercare.

Either of these options would be more supportive than somehow expecting her to suddenly know how to rent privately (no one will rent to a pregnant 16 year old anyway, or no one with a place you’d want a girl staying on her own). She will have support from others in claiming benefits, in parenting her baby, and may be put onto the list for supported accommodation, which will probably be a better option than totally independent living.

Does she have a young mum midwife? She should be able to make a social services referral, to make sure your sister gets the support she needs in order to be the best mum possible.

I don't know many people who would be happy their 16 year old daughter is pregnant, but your mums actions haven't exactly been those of a supportive mum.

To be honest, I'd contact social care. Your sister is quite vulnerable and effectively homeless- and still a minor.

It is easy to understand why your mother would be happy for your pregnancy but not your sister’s.

Unfortunately I agree with your self assessment that you have probably added to the problem rather than alleviated it when you asked your sister to move in with you. You are now in the scenario of either having to throw her out as a new mother or she gets to use your nursery first and you won’t have the opportunity to bond in private with your own family.

If you had left your sister where she was, considering she hadn’t been thrown out, your mother might have come around by now. I am 50 now but many moons ago my best friend got pregnant when she was 16, it was more unusual then and her parents were not at all happy for some months, but eventually they came round and were supportive by the time she was due. I think you need to act quickly now as a family to sort this out, I also think the onus is somewhat on you as she is a child herself and you need the resolution perhaps more than your mother does. I can’t believe you left these major issues unresolved until she is nearly due!

I’m sorry, I would have to say to my mum that she couldn’t meet one grandchild if she ignored the first, that would be relationship over for me. Contact the school/social services/GP anyone. She’ll nearly be here. Surely her midwife knows the situation that she’s living temporarily at her sisters? Have they not provided suggestions?
You say the father wants nothing to do with it, unfortunately for him he will have to pay monthly until the child is 18 whether he likes it or not.

Sorry but I don't blame the mum. A sixteen year old is not able to be a fully independent parent and effectively forces other family members, usually the maternal grandmother, to take on a baby they didn't want.

Wow, there's some arseholes on this thread

Often teen mothers ended up in grim bed and breakfasts or grim hostels.

From what I remember when we were young, the girls with the babies thought it would make the bloke stay with them.

They didn’t have a chance to finish their grammar school education.

They couldn’t go out and have fun or be a teenager.. and both said “
I love ( name) but if I’d known what it was going to be like, I’d not have got pregnant.

Housing depts are stretched to the limits.

Parents of boys and girls need to really instil in their teens that pregnancy is an avoidable thing and not a thing to be undertaken lightly.
I had condoms from a charity and kept them in a chest for DS and his mates to take.
They (condoms) all disappeared, and no babies were born.

@icecreamgirl94

DM is 56, there are 11 years between me and DSis who was an unplanned surprise!

Interesting.... so it's not just your wee sister with the unplanned surprise... I'm not trying to be unkind saying this... Maybe it's stirring up a lot of memories for your mum... as at 40 she probably thought she was on the homeward run with you... and saw her planned 40s and 50s completely changed

You say in your OP that everyone in the family except your DM supported your DSis in keeping the baby. Was that because you all assumed that your DM would be the one housing and caring for them?

Contact social services, in my area there are some shared lives places that take mothers and babies, so basically she would live a family/other adult who would.provide some level of support and help them work towards independent living (some placements are of people with learning difficuilties who will never live alone), there may also be other options for you dsis).

Oh your poor sister. 16 is so young still and your mum should have stepped up to support her.

I disagree with some PP, living alone with a baby could be incredibly difficult for her to manage, especially if she is already feeling anxious (it would be hard enough if she wasn't having a baby).

It doesn't sound as though you are able to house her going forward (and frankly, this is yourparent's job not yours), but is there anyone else in the family who could step up?

Or could your mum be persuaded to put her own feelings aside for the sake of her daughter?

Getting pregnant at 16 isn't the best and i can understand your mum's initial disappointment, but your sister is still pretty much a child herself and should be supported accordingly...

You say your sister is really mature for 16 but she's not trying to sort out a place to live?

If she's adult enough to become a mother she can't expect her own mother to bail her out. (Or her sister).

She's made an adult life choice and she needs to follow through.

@MessAllOver

You say in your OP that everyone in the family except your DM supported your DSis in keeping the baby. Was that because you all assumed that your DM would be the one housing and caring for them?

Quite.

DM could clearly see what was coming. She obviously doesn't want to be responsible for a baby and teen mum at her age and I don't blame her.

DM is entitled not to want to do this. DSIS needs to crack on and sort her own life out.

Do people on this thread not realise that an 16 year old can not legally have a tenancy? There is no point in her "sorting out" somewhere to live, she's a child. The only option is council/social services supported accommodation.

You say in your OP that everyone in the family except your DM supported your DSis in keeping the baby. Was that because you all assumed that your DM would be the one housing and caring for them?

Exactly this. OP was supportive because she expected her mother to deal with it all.

Two points: if the 16 year old really was mature for her age she wouldn't be having a baby.
And: theres no irony or gotcha moment becasue the sister was also unplanned...her mother was married and had a home and could actually raise a child. It's not in any way the same thing.

@icecreamgirl94

DM is 56, there are 11 years between me and DSis who was an unplanned surprise!

This is what I would be saying to your mother about your dsis’s child. If she can get pregnant as a mature mother, who knows how everything works, it was even more likely for a 15/16 yo child. You have the power op for you can keep your mother at arm’s length. Please don’t let her treat you the two daughters and by extension, the two gcs.

I thinknit is ok for you and DH to want to start your life with new baby without a teenager and your baby's new cousin living with you.
Around our way there is such a thing as a 'vulnerabilities midwife' who supports vulnerable pregnant women, and her age would definitely put your sister in that category. She needs a professional involved who can look into mum and baby supported living, or alternatives. Have a chat with her and get her to call the local early help services.

This is 100% your Mum’s problem to solve, deal with, provide financially for and live with for the next, what, decade?

I’m not defending her. She is behaving badly.

But this is 100% HER problem now, and she probably does get to be a bit annoyed by that.

I hope things work out for your sister.

I agree, this is not your mum’s issue, it’s your sister’s. She chose to get pregnant - or was too stupid to avoid it - and she chose to keep it. With those decisions comes responsibility. Who does she think is going to do it! Does she think the problems are just going to magically be solved? How does she plan to afford any of it? She should have this all organised. If she thinks she’s ready to be a mum then she’d better get control of her own life before she finds herself responsible for a baby. She’s not fit to keep a baby if she can’t even manage herself.

This is so sad to read. I am genuinely shocked that anyone thinks a 16 year old should not count on support from her parents during the most difficult time of her life. I was 32 when I had my first, and I could have gone to live with my mum if I had needed to, no question.

Had I been 16, I'm sure I'd have had to put up with a few lectures and
she would have been disappointed, but she would have helped me to sort myself out, not left me to it and tried to make me feel bad for being in that situation in the first place.

Your sister is so lucky to have you OP. Does your mum realise that her behaviour now will probably set the tone for the future as far as your sister is concerned? Does she really want this to be it and for her 16 year old daughter and her granddaughter to be at arm's length forever?

You can't just abdicate responsibility for your teenager because you don't want to deal with their problems, be that a teenage pregnancy or any other complication.

I didn't particularly want to deal with severe mental health issues, self-harming, risky behaviour and psychotic, hurtful accusations, but when that's what materialised with my ASD teenager we stepped up and got him help, supported him and weathered the tough times. Because he's our child.

The mother is fully justified in feeling angry/grief-stricken/anxious that things haven't turned out the way she would have hoped for her daughter, and entitled not to be thrilled about having to help look after a baby at her age. She isn't justified in turning her back and refusing to help, though. That's her 16yo daughter and she's still responsible for her.