Me and DSis pregnant. Mum only happy for me.

[icecreamgirl94]

Hi, newbie here. Not sure exactly what I’m asking to be honest, I’ve been debating what to write for a few hours! I think I just need to write it down.
I’m pregnant, due in March. This is the best news ever, DP and I have been trying for 6 years and had 2 losses so all the family are on cloud 9.
My 16 year old sister is also pregnant, obviously unplanned. The father doesn’t want any involvement and DSis had an abortion booked twice but has decided to keep the baby and the family have said they will support her choice. Everyone that is except our mum who has taken the news very badly. DSis didn’t tell her until nearly 4 months and since then their relationship has been awful. Back in September I invited DSis to stay with me and DP throughout the pregnancy, I thought it might be nice for us to be pregnant together and be a more relaxing environment for her. Since then DM has barely spoken to her.
Anyway the reason I’m posting is because DSis is due now and looks like she could go at any moment. She’s in our spare room (which is meant to be the nursery for our baby) and none of us really know what to do once her baby arrives. Realistically she can’t stay here, but I don’t want her to go back to DM’s if she isn’t going to be supportive. I’d hoped that once the baby arrived DM’s attitude would change but that seems less and less likely. DM is also really excited about my baby which makes me feel awful for poor DSis who is really anxious about the birth and just wants her mum. AIBU to expect better from DM?
Sorry I don’t even know why I’m posting this, I just don’t know what to do. Thanks if anyone does read.

Well done to you and your dad for supporting her op

@AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter

awww- just saw your ipdate- your dad is an absolute legend!

Legend? How so? Or was it only an obligation for the DM to house the 16yo? Dad rocks up to save the day, after having a choice rather than an expectation, and he's a 'legend'??

I'm glad things are being sorted x

@Chatterpie

Bless your Dad. He's a good man. Your sister will remember this, she will remember who supported her - you and her Dad.

Have you had a chat with your mum about how this is likely to affect her future relationship with your sister?

Maybe, if the DM hadn't been kept in the dark about the pregnancy until it was a fait accompli, and then given absolutely no time to digest what was going on before 16yo left her home with her DM to go live with her sister, she might have felt differently....

Schmitthecat, legend or not, her dads still alot better than the mum

Does not wanting your daughter & GD living with you indefinitely mean that you don't care about them?

Especially when they do have somewhere else to go?

It's a lot to take on!

Maybe it's as well for Op's sister to not have her mum there atm if she would be inclined to take over/step in too often.

Like all new mums, she needs to find her own way.

Hope it hasn't put you off too much, Op!

I had two easy births-they do happen!

@Macncheeseballs

Schmitthecat, legend or not, her dads still alot better than the mum

Yes, disney dads look great on paper.

This is so sad. I understand that your mum might be disappointed in your sister but there’s really no excuse for the attitude your mum has. I feel pregnant at 18 and my mum was similar. She did come round eventually though.

Despite that your sister is really young it sounds lovely you will be sharing the experience together and your children will grow up very close.

I don’t know what to suggest with living arrangements. You need to talk to your mum and say that she needs to go back there. Could your sister apply for a council flat or similar? If she lived on her own with baby yourself and your partner could her support bubble. I know it’s not easy to get a council place though.

I wish you both the best of luck 💗

In this scenario the only people it hasn't affected is the young man who fathered the child and his parents, it all seems very sexist, the young sister has now got a young baby to look after, her mom and other family members are expected to help look after the newborn and the young father and his family get away scot free, no one has said anything about why he hasn't stepped up, he must know she was pregnant and whether he wanted her to have an abortion or not he now has a young child he needs to have responsibility for and his parents do too, even if for now they are unaware of the situation.

@Shmithecat2 What exactly is your problem?

Have you ever been young, pregnant and troubled?

I was. It's a terrible place to be.

@diddl haha thank you, I’ll keep my fingers crossed for a nice straight forward birth!
@Shmithecat2 I’m sorry that you’ve obviously had bad experiences with men in the past, that’s the only reason I can think of for you to have formed such negative opinions about my dad and to have chosen to have deliberately misunderstood everything I’ve said. I hope you’ve chosen to anyway because I can’t fathom how anyone could still not be getting it. I’ve addressed some of your points in my previous posts but you haven’t chosen to acknowledge any of them, you’ve just been clearly watching the thread with glee ready to take a swipe at anyone who says anything remotely negative about DM, whilst simultaneously vilifying my dad at any opportunity you get. It’s interesting that you assume he’s a Disney dad, can I ask where you got that idea from? Mum cheated on dad because she thought she could do better. The “better” man dumped her as soon as the affair came out. Parents divorced, mum kept the 3 bed family house as DSis, then 8 lived with her. I was 19 and moved in with dad in a 2 bed flat, DSis stayed every Wednesday and weekend. I moved out at 22. When dad was made redundant he had to downsize to a 1 bed flat, DSis still staying as usual and dad slept on the sofa. DSis turned down the offer to stay permanently when she was first pregnant and when DM said she didn’t want her moving back. Now the baby is here, dad has insisted DSis must stay with him to take some pressure off me. He’s also the one who has given her clear instructions of what she has to do to get things organised now the baby is here, and has made it clear to her that he’ll be making sure she does it, so hardly a Disney dad. Anyway I hope your posts have made you feel better.

I wonder whether it’s occurred to some of those posters demonising the OP’s sister for not having had an abortion sound just as judgemental as those who are against abortion? To be pro-choice surely means that it’s also the pregnant woman’s choice not to have the abortion?

Not that I don’t empathise with her DM’s feelings. I have two adopted DDs (11 and 8) and I wouldn’t be at all happy if one of them were to get pregnant at that age. But I couldn’t imagine abandoning them in such circumstances.

She needs to put her feelings aside. The discussion about whether she should have had a termination is pointless, as that ship has well and truly sailed.

Strangely, I agree the mum now needs to shape up. She was hard done by before (kept in the dark, told last, views disregarded and automatically expected to house and care for her daughter and the baby) but I think she ought to be looking to build bridges now. It's her grandchild and daughter and she can provide the most comfortable living situation for them both.

In mum's position, I would:

• Ask for an apology for being sidelined and disregarded (from the whole family).
• Apologise myself for not being there for my DD.
• Ask DD to research benefits and entitlements and come up with a financial plan for how she is going to cover baby's expenses. If there is a shortfall, both DF and I to contribute to cover it.
• Ask DD to start researching childcare options for baby which will let her restart her education properly at the right time.
• Come up with a babysitting plan clearly defining the help I'd be willing to offer - for example, DD does all night wakings, but I'd take baby some evenings after work and for a few hours at the weekend to let her catch up on sleep.
• Other family members (but particularly DF) to help with babysitting too so DD has time for homework, rest and study later on. A schedule to be drawn up.
• DD to help with chores around the house (when recovered), do all baby's laundry etc. and keep all baby's things tidily in her room.

The baby's here now - she needs the best possible start and a one bed with DF sleeping on the sofa is not ideal.

Congratulations on the arrival of your little niece, OP. I missed that key update when writing my earlier post.

[quote Chatterpie]@Shmithecat2 What exactly is your problem?

Have you ever been young, pregnant and troubled?

I was. It's a terrible place to be. [/quote]
No, I haven't. And not because of luck either. Plain old common sense and responsibility for my own actions saw me have a baby when I wanted and could manage a baby without expecting everyone else to take the fall for me.

[quote icecreamgirl94]@diddl haha thank you, I’ll keep my fingers crossed for a nice straight forward birth!
@Shmithecat2 I’m sorry that you’ve obviously had bad experiences with men in the past, that’s the only reason I can think of for you to have formed such negative opinions about my dad and to have chosen to have deliberately misunderstood everything I’ve said. I hope you’ve chosen to anyway because I can’t fathom how anyone could still not be getting it. I’ve addressed some of your points in my previous posts but you haven’t chosen to acknowledge any of them, you’ve just been clearly watching the thread with glee ready to take a swipe at anyone who says anything remotely negative about DM, whilst simultaneously vilifying my dad at any opportunity you get. It’s interesting that you assume he’s a Disney dad, can I ask where you got that idea from? Mum cheated on dad because she thought she could do better. The “better” man dumped her as soon as the affair came out. Parents divorced, mum kept the 3 bed family house as DSis, then 8 lived with her. I was 19 and moved in with dad in a 2 bed flat, DSis stayed every Wednesday and weekend. I moved out at 22. When dad was made redundant he had to downsize to a 1 bed flat, DSis still staying as usual and dad slept on the sofa. DSis turned down the offer to stay permanently when she was first pregnant and when DM said she didn’t want her moving back. Now the baby is here, dad has insisted DSis must stay with him to take some pressure off me. He’s also the one who has given her clear instructions of what she has to do to get things organised now the baby is here, and has made it clear to her that he’ll be making sure she does it, so hardly a Disney dad. Anyway I hope your posts have made you feel better.[/quote]
I'm not vilifying your dad at all. But he wasn't kept in the dark, he had longer to deal with the whole situation, and there was no expectation of him to deal with any of this at the start. Yet now he's taken the responsibility BY CHOICE that was originally just assumed would belong solely to your DM, I can't see what makes him so legendary. A decent father? Yes. Legend? No.

Sounds like you all (except DM) have done really good under the circumstances. DSis will have to grow up fast but she's got you and her dad to lead her. Your dad's right that you need to focus on yourself and your baby now. And DSis does need to find a place of her own and get back to school.

I dont think DM has any right to complain about being last to find out when she reacted the way she did, why would her daughter want to tell her when she's behaved like this. She's just proved to everyone that it was the right decision. you dont get to disown your kids when they make a mistake either, you're meant to support them and teach them. At no point has it been said that she was expected to take on caring for a new baby, simply to continue caring for her existing child.

@Shmithecat2 and people who get pregnant on the pill are what? Stupid? Irresponsible? Unlucky?

That's what happened to me. I was 17.

Perhaps you should consider yourself very lucky that nothing like this happened to you. Instead of being a nasty bitch to people less fortunate.

It's very distasteful to be bitchy about people that were less lucky than you.

I'm glad the baby has arrived safely and that a plan for going forward has been made.
I get the impression that the breakup of your parents marriage is still impacting all the family relationships.
With your mother, rightly or wrongly cast as the villain.
I wonder what impact this has had on her behavior with your sister.

Hopefully all four grandparents can pull together to help your sister. Leaving you and your husband to focus on your own arrival. Good luck with your baby OP.

Perhaps Op's mum will get involved now at her own pace-maybe she needs to feel that she has some say in the situation?

Good luck to you all, your dad sounds like a decent guy and your sister sounds like she'll be ok in the end with a little help. Quite aside from all the issues with your family, being pregnant in lockdown is very lonely even as a 29 year old so looking out for each other and having someone to talk symptoms with was absolutely the right call.

My aunt became pregnant at 16 and was swiftly booted out of the family home. She struggled but worked very hard, had her child and went on to do a degree and masters out of sheer determination, she was a kick ass role model to me growing up and was/is a brilliant parent (to 4 now) regardless of her age when she started.

Just wanted to pop on and say you sound like an amazing sister, and your sister is very lucky to have you.
Sounds like a very difficult situation for everyone involved, but congratulations to your sister on the birth of her baby girl.
I wish you all the best with the rest of your pregnancy and hope your birth goes well

Legend? How so? Or was it only an obligation for the DM to house the 16yo? Dad rocks up to save the day, after having a choice rather than an expectation, and he's a 'legend

He is legend because he is supporting his daughter despite the fact he lives in tiny cramped flat and her mother doesnt want to know.

However, it appears you are determined to make him the villain here due to him being male and the mother the hero in this scenario purely because she is female. Thats your choice of course but at least recognise the massive projection you are engaging in here which is completely obvious to everyone on this thread and it might be something that would be helpful for you to examine further.

[quote Chatterpie]@Shmithecat2 and people who get pregnant on the pill are what? Stupid? Irresponsible? Unlucky?

That's what happened to me. I was 17.

Perhaps you should consider yourself very lucky that nothing like this happened to you. Instead of being a nasty bitch to people less fortunate.

It's very distasteful to be bitchy about people that were less lucky than you. [/quote]
Totally agree with this too.

Lots and lots of projection going on here from that poster.

Aww congrats! Your dad sounds so lovely- kind and supportive ❤️