Me and DSis pregnant. Mum only happy for me.

[icecreamgirl94]

Hi, newbie here. Not sure exactly what I’m asking to be honest, I’ve been debating what to write for a few hours! I think I just need to write it down.
I’m pregnant, due in March. This is the best news ever, DP and I have been trying for 6 years and had 2 losses so all the family are on cloud 9.
My 16 year old sister is also pregnant, obviously unplanned. The father doesn’t want any involvement and DSis had an abortion booked twice but has decided to keep the baby and the family have said they will support her choice. Everyone that is except our mum who has taken the news very badly. DSis didn’t tell her until nearly 4 months and since then their relationship has been awful. Back in September I invited DSis to stay with me and DP throughout the pregnancy, I thought it might be nice for us to be pregnant together and be a more relaxing environment for her. Since then DM has barely spoken to her.
Anyway the reason I’m posting is because DSis is due now and looks like she could go at any moment. She’s in our spare room (which is meant to be the nursery for our baby) and none of us really know what to do once her baby arrives. Realistically she can’t stay here, but I don’t want her to go back to DM’s if she isn’t going to be supportive. I’d hoped that once the baby arrived DM’s attitude would change but that seems less and less likely. DM is also really excited about my baby which makes me feel awful for poor DSis who is really anxious about the birth and just wants her mum. AIBU to expect better from DM?
Sorry I don’t even know why I’m posting this, I just don’t know what to do. Thanks if anyone does read.

Lovely news OP. Congratulations to you and your DSIS!

When my mum was 16 she had a baby that she desperately wanted to keep. She was sent to an unmarried mothers home where she spent the pregnancy and birth. During her pregnancy her mum sent her letters telling her about her older sister being pregnant and to start knitting for her baby. My mum had to breastfeed the baby and at 6 weeks while the girls were in a common room a family came to choose a baby and took my mums for adoption.
This was in 1962 and my mum and her mum never spoke about it again.
My mum has never gotten over this and it has affected her entire life and her parenting of me and my brother. She still has the letters her mum sent her while she was in the home.
So I guess this is for those that suggest adoption is the best option.
Best wishes to you all and I wish things had been different when my mum was young.

Aw congratulations to your sister and her lovely baby girl.

Congratulations to your sister!

Congratulations on becoming an auntie @icecreamgirl94. My best advice is to insist your sister gets as much rest as possible in the next 48 hours after the long labour, because beng exhausted immediately after birth is the biggest trigger for PND and she's got enough to contend with without that. It's impossible to sleep in hospital too so I'd do my best to convince her to go for a sleep as soon as she is home.

Congratulations to your sister and to you becoming an auntie.
I think you're absolutely wonderful taking your sister in..I can't believe all the negative comments. Many people have babies young. It isn't something that should necessarily be encouraged but it happens and people should be supported through what they decide. I hope it all works out well for your sister, I'm sure it will with a lovely sister like you!
Keep us posted op!

Congratulations. Remember every labour is different and yours may be a lot easier. Mine was tranquil and I had very little pain. And lasted less than 12 hours from 1st twinge to baby arriving. 3 hours of active labour including the pushing. I had a bit of gas and air in the last 3 hours but probably would have coped without too. I hope that it all works out well for you all.

A 16 year old cannot get a tenancy under their name. Council housing is not easy to access anymore, you don't simply show up at the doorsteps of your Local Authority and are given a flat.

The current housing crisis we are experiencing means that many adults with children are ending up homeless and unable to make ends meet. Are they irresponsible parents too? Should they have planned better?

Also, doesn't parental responsibility last until your DC are 18? You sound lovely OP, but both your parents need to support your sister.

In an ideal world the baby's dad would have to step up too, but let's blame the young woman for getting pregnant of course.

Congratulations! You sound like a lovely sister. Give your mum time, 16 is still you , it must be hard for your mum too.

Congrats! Missed the update

Congratulations to your sister on the safe arrival of her daughter ❤️

Congratulations. Op I am a social worker and your dsis will find it difficult to get her own property. Legally she can not hold a tenancy in her own name as she is under 18years old, your local authority may have supported living for 16 and 17 year olds but she would need a guarantor and these properties are few and far between and may not be suitable for a baby. Other options if she has no housing would be a mother and baby unit or a mother and baby foster home. To be honest I would be having a stern talking to to DM. She is her parent and is responsible for her daughter as she is under 18. This also applies DF.

To be honest I would be having a stern talking to to DM. She is her parent and is responsible for her daughter as she is under 18. This also applies DF

I agree. Technically she is not yet an adult and therefore, her mother and father are still responsible for her, regardless of posters in this thread whining about how "unfair" it is that parents should be responsible for their kids.

parents should be responsible for their kids

...but not their kids kids.

It doesn’t matter if you’re 14 or 40 if you choose to have sex and that results in a child, you and only you are responsible for that child. In this situation the 16yo has made it impossible for DM to separate caring for her vs caring for her newborn baby too. DM should be ensuring DD is safe and well (sounds like she is checking in and DD’s DF has been present) but she is absolutely not responsible for this newborn, neither should she be expected to house, finance or care for the newborn.

I’m not saying I wouldn’t do it, personally I would, but DM is not wrong or negligent for refusing to.

What a mess.

OP, You and your husband sound like wonderfully kind people.

I'm so sorry that this long awaited pregnancy of yours has been complicated by such stress.

Because this is stressful.

Great that the baby has arrived safely.
However, this could be a very stressful time having a new baby living with you, and then bringing your own home and naturally wanting some privacy.

I also feel for your mother as she quite understandably doesn't wish to go back to the baby stage, is resistant to it and sounds very annoyed by it all.

The result though is that she has handed responsibility onto you and your husband.

This is a huge burden to hand onto a first time mother.

I really think that it would be very wise to explore as many options as is possible.

Your sister's situation is IMO a child having a child.
This is underlined by you trying to figure out what is best for her.

Your own relationship is very important to protect.

Don't sacrifice it at the alter of taking on the responsibilities of your mother and father.

Wishing you the very best.

There are other people involved in this too, the baby's father and his parents, they also need to have some responsibility for the child too, regardless whether the OPs sister wants nothing to do with him, he needs to have some accountability for his actions too, very convenient that he can get this girl pregnant and just walk away because she won't reveal who the father is.

I hope the hospital are caring for her as a child with proper support and safeguarding rather than leaving her alone in the postnatal ward to fend for herself
Who parents the 'parent' sort of thing?

Thank you everybody
Just to clarify, our dad wasn’t with us during the labour, he came in to see her and meet the baby afterwards when I was leaving so there was only one person in at a time.
She is home now and is getting to grips with feeding and nappies pretty well. Our dad collected her from hospital and they have had a serious chat about things and he’s insisted she should stay with him. He’s taken all the baby’s furniture back to his now and DSis will probably move in sometime over the weekend. I’ve talked with my dad as well and he’s told me I need to focus on myself and my pregnancy (and get some sleep while I still can) now DSis’s baby is here. It’s not the perfect situation, none of us know how it’s going to work out but we’re going to just see how it goes which I guess is all we can do at the moment. It will also make things easier for claiming the benefits she’s entitled to if that is done through dad who obviously has parental responsibility. DSis has also been told in no uncertain terms that this isn’t a holiday or an easy way out, she needs to at least make the father’s parents aware and once we know a bit more about what is happening with covid she needs to make plans for education and childcare. Now she is no longer pregnant she needs to be proactive about the future.
She phoned DM to tell her what’s happening. DM said ok and she’ll call her sometime next week.

I’m not saying I wouldn’t do it, personally I would, but DM is not wrong or negligent for refusing to

I would say making your pregnant teen homeless is kind of neglectful. Her dad has offered multiple times but there isnt enough space so now she's living with her sister.

Thank goodness she has family who DO care about her.

awww- just saw your ipdate- your dad is an absolute legend!

Might you be able to help her navigate her way through housing applications?

Great news OP, glad she will be with her dad and you get the space you need.

People are being incredibly unkind to your sister. At 16 years she is still a child. Children's brains and especially their decision making are not fully formed until 25. Just because she is 16 people are assuming she's had unprotected sex - contraception fails happen at all ages.
If it was me I would help her research into what options she has and coach her through making a decision.
I am not sure I would be able to be friendly to my mother if she treated her own 16 year old child with this contempt.

Bless your Dad. He's a good man. Your sister will remember this, she will remember who supported her - you and her Dad.

Have you had a chat with your mum about how this is likely to affect her future relationship with your sister?

Good to hear that your dad is taking responsibility. A parent needs to be dealing with this, not you when you have so much on your plate.