Me and DSis pregnant. Mum only happy for me.

[icecreamgirl94]

Hi, newbie here. Not sure exactly what I’m asking to be honest, I’ve been debating what to write for a few hours! I think I just need to write it down.
I’m pregnant, due in March. This is the best news ever, DP and I have been trying for 6 years and had 2 losses so all the family are on cloud 9.
My 16 year old sister is also pregnant, obviously unplanned. The father doesn’t want any involvement and DSis had an abortion booked twice but has decided to keep the baby and the family have said they will support her choice. Everyone that is except our mum who has taken the news very badly. DSis didn’t tell her until nearly 4 months and since then their relationship has been awful. Back in September I invited DSis to stay with me and DP throughout the pregnancy, I thought it might be nice for us to be pregnant together and be a more relaxing environment for her. Since then DM has barely spoken to her.
Anyway the reason I’m posting is because DSis is due now and looks like she could go at any moment. She’s in our spare room (which is meant to be the nursery for our baby) and none of us really know what to do once her baby arrives. Realistically she can’t stay here, but I don’t want her to go back to DM’s if she isn’t going to be supportive. I’d hoped that once the baby arrived DM’s attitude would change but that seems less and less likely. DM is also really excited about my baby which makes me feel awful for poor DSis who is really anxious about the birth and just wants her mum. AIBU to expect better from DM?
Sorry I don’t even know why I’m posting this, I just don’t know what to do. Thanks if anyone does read.

DSis and I both said that wasn’t practical, for dad as much as anything who was working full time at that point

...but the same was "practical" for your DM just because she offered? She can never change her mind either, right. By the sounds of it if your DSis told her at 4 months and you housed her for 4 months then the DM had a month to consider the whole situation when she made an offer. Ridiculous expectations of some people on here frankly.

Except in this case, he vacated the 3 bedroom family home, leaving it for the mum and younger daughter.

But that is also a stereotype that often is wrong. My ex also said he left the house to us, he omits to say that I bought him out at an inflated price after spending three years battling him in court for the right to buy him out.

And yeah, he ended up in a small flat for years, not because he was paying a fair amount in maintenance (he always paid below the CMS minimum) but because he is a party animal with a penchant for Michelin starred restaurants and expensive wines and an absolute inability to organise his own finances.

But he is a man so everyone thinks he is the poor victim in the whole situation. I can say similar from most professional divorced women I know, they carry their own wait but the exH’s get the credit.

They carry their own “weight” but the exH’s get the credit, meant to say.

There's no point in presenting any further arguments for or against DM's behaviour, the OP knows best and she is closer to her DF, that is obvious from her tone. Her mind is made up anyway.

@KarmaNoMore

They carry their own “weight” but the exH’s get the credit, meant to say.

Yes, I feel sorry for OP as she’s clearly taken sides in her parents divorce. She’ll understand when she’s older and has more life experience, that life is not black and white. One day she’ll be her DM’s age, if she ever remembers this thread, she may have less judgement about what a mother “should do” as opposed to everyone else in the world, and more compassion about expectations that society puts on women and mothers.

@PurplePansy05 I really just meant practical in terms of space in the house, that’s all. I think I’ve been very open to the suggestions on here and have tried to take different points of view into account and made my replies clear and concise. I’m equally close to both parents to be honest but I think it’s difficult to gage someone’s situation based on a few posts on the internet, which leads to some people just jumping to conclusions.
@VegemiteIsToasty no sides taken here, I’ve actually had many a heart to heart with DM over the years regarding the affair and I do understand why she did it. As I’ve said multiple times upthread, no one expected anything from DM, that’s not what the threat was about, it’s just been hijacked in that direction by people that already have a chip on their shoulder about gender roles. I would explain the situation clearly to you, but I’ve already done that multiple times and I believe that anyone who wants to understand will have done by now, those that are still trying to say DM had her decisions made for her must just be trying to push their own agendas because I can’t believe that anyone could be unintelligent enough to have not understood what I’ve explained by now.
I can’t remember who mentioned it upthread but DM, dad, myself and DP are all furloughed from work at the moment.
In hindsight I probably should have referred to mum as dad and dad as mum when I started this thread as I might have had more people actually taking the time to read what I was saying rather than getting offended that I was surprised by the behaviour of a middle aged woman. No one is being heralded as a hero here, certainly not from me anyway, we are just people trying to do our best, dad isn’t a legend for housing DSis and DM isn’t a monster for not housing her. I was just surprised at her reaction, wondered if anyone could relate and wondered if anyone had any advice as I was feeling a bit in over my head. Thank you to every poster for the well wishes and helpful comments and advice, that’s all I was really looking for. I fully expected the less helpful comments as well, I just hope they some of those people posting such angry and judgemental things about people they’ve never even met get more support in life when they need it than they are willing to give on here.

You don't need to keep explaining yourself to the hard of thinking and willfully ignorant OP.

Whether it's your mum, your dad or the queen of fucking sheba, makes no difference, the facts are that your sister was living in that house before you temporarily offered to give them both a bit of space, and it was/is your sister's home too. It's the only house where there is enough space for her, and it's where she's been living presumably her whole life, or most of it. It is logical that she would live there.

@nanbread

You don't need to keep explaining yourself to the hard of thinking and willfully ignorant OP.

Whether it's your mum, your dad or the queen of fucking sheba, makes no difference, the facts are that your sister was living in that house before you temporarily offered to give them both a bit of space, and it was/is your sister's home too. It's the only house where there is enough space for her, and it's where she's been living presumably her whole life, or most of it. It is logical that she would live there.

Meow!

Congrats to your sister OP, hope she is having good support from the midwives it’s a tough transition, especially being so young.

I think some posters are forgetting that it's the OP who has had her DSis living at her house. It puts her in a difficult position; she may well have been feeling pressured to have her stay with her more long-term now she's had her baby. She's about to have a baby herself, so that wouldn't have been ideal at all. So of course she's going to feel frustrated with her mum and grateful to her dad.

There's so much projection going on here and reading into it stuff that really isn't there.

[quote icecreamgirl94]@PurplePansy05 I really just meant practical in terms of space in the house, that’s all. I think I’ve been very open to the suggestions on here and have tried to take different points of view into account and made my replies clear and concise. I’m equally close to both parents to be honest but I think it’s difficult to gage someone’s situation based on a few posts on the internet, which leads to some people just jumping to conclusions.
@VegemiteIsToasty no sides taken here, I’ve actually had many a heart to heart with DM over the years regarding the affair and I do understand why she did it. As I’ve said multiple times upthread, no one expected anything from DM, that’s not what the threat was about, it’s just been hijacked in that direction by people that already have a chip on their shoulder about gender roles. I would explain the situation clearly to you, but I’ve already done that multiple times and I believe that anyone who wants to understand will have done by now, those that are still trying to say DM had her decisions made for her must just be trying to push their own agendas because I can’t believe that anyone could be unintelligent enough to have not understood what I’ve explained by now.
I can’t remember who mentioned it upthread but DM, dad, myself and DP are all furloughed from work at the moment.
In hindsight I probably should have referred to mum as dad and dad as mum when I started this thread as I might have had more people actually taking the time to read what I was saying rather than getting offended that I was surprised by the behaviour of a middle aged woman. No one is being heralded as a hero here, certainly not from me anyway, we are just people trying to do our best, dad isn’t a legend for housing DSis and DM isn’t a monster for not housing her. I was just surprised at her reaction, wondered if anyone could relate and wondered if anyone had any advice as I was feeling a bit in over my head. Thank you to every poster for the well wishes and helpful comments and advice, that’s all I was really looking for. I fully expected the less helpful comments as well, I just hope they some of those people posting such angry and judgemental things about people they’ve never even met get more support in life when they need it than they are willing to give on here.[/quote]
This is why your Ds is lucky to have you! Well said. I'm sure 3 years from now the family will have come through this rocky time, dust a bit more settled, and are enjoying two new little people running round, and be thinking it was all worth it.

@icecreamgirl94, before one of you contacts your niece’s father, are you sure your DSIS doesn’t have a good reason for trying to avoid him?

She might just be embarrassed, or have lost interest in him since the break up, but could there have been any abuse/coercion involved? I really hope not, and I also hope his parents are decent people who will end up being good grandparents to your niece (once they’ve got over the shock).

MessAllOver

Yeah, that kind of pressure from your mum would really lead to the Right Decision being made.

I hope you would have included a chat with happy young single mothers, benefits and support available, and those suffering from regret and guilt following termination, just for balance, since you have thought of every other way to make your point under the guise of information.

A mother being blunt is effectively telling her child she's being a Bad Girl if she doesn't keep to the game plan. You might as well own it as your daughter, if she were in this unfortunate position, would know it.

@shindiggery

Maybe, if the DM hadn't been kept in the dark about the pregnancy until it was a fait accompli

It's interesting how many women on MN think the DM had a right to that window of time to insist and pressurise her DD to have an abortion. It was not her choice. The DD had every right not to mention it to her mother if she thought it wouldn't be helpful.

Given the affair and the way she washed her hands of her DD, knowing she'd be anxious and needing support, putting such pressure on her other DD at such a difficult time, and staying away through labour, not to mention failing to call even now when her 16 year old DD is so vulnerable with a newborn's well-being to consider, I can only conclude she's a callous narcissist.

I think you’re right, only a callous narcissist would wash her hands of her 16 year old child and be so judgmental knowing the anxiety and upheaval for everyone it would cause. I bet she’s congratulating herself how much better than everyone else she thinks she is, even though she’s a crap mother and a cheater. Stonewalling etc is just designed to make it all about her instead of the baby and wreck what should be a calm environment. OP, I hope between your father and your sister they can organise a 2 bedroom unit until she can be independent.

@icecreamgirl94

First congratulations. Glad sister, niece and everyone are doing well. I think you've been an incredible sister. Hope you're also feeling well and getting some head space for your own baby.

I wasn't going to say anything because it's done and what's the point. But maybe it'll help with understanding stuff and therefore moving things on? Whilst I could never imagine not being there for my child if they found themselves pregnant a few things stuck out.

She told you, your DH and your dad when she found out. But your mum at nearly four months. So how long did you all know? That sounds very strange considering you said they had a good relationship before. Maybe your mum felt isolated and pushed out. You spoke to your mum presumably all that time but didn't mention your sister's pregnancy. She might have taken that as a sort of deception in itself? Like her family had taken a her/them approach.

I am a firm believer in the woman's right to choose. Her body. Her choice. But people need to make informed decisions. Did your sister have access to counselling or anyone impartial to help? I'm presuming as she was considering abortion she spoke to someone? It's fine she didn't speak to her mum as maybe she felt her mum would be biased. But she needs to speak to someone.

This is just a random guess. But what are the dynamics in your family? Is your mum usually the 'doer'? I only wonder as it just seems things have drifted on. If your sister moved out in September she had four months to consider what to do. Not just where to live but all the other ramifications of having a baby. She (very understandably!) seems to have stuck her head in the sand a bit. Is your mum usually the one to sort things out? Just wondering if she's upset after having being blocked out of the pregnancy news for so long she thought she had to sort things out.

But please don't take any of these as criticisms or judgments. They're just questions. I don't know you or any of your family. I'm just trying to unpick what might be happening to help understand things and hopefully patch things up. Before anyone says anything I've only focused on your mum because that appears to be where the main conflict is not because I have any agenda!

I think you're amazing. You've done an incredible thing and I'm glad your sister is well. Enjoy the niece snuggles.

@KarmaNoMore

Except in this case, he vacated the 3 bedroom family home, leaving it for the mum and younger daughter.

But that is also a stereotype that often is wrong. My ex also said he left the house to us, he omits to say that I bought him out at an inflated price after spending three years battling him in court for the right to buy him out.

And yeah, he ended up in a small flat for years, not because he was paying a fair amount in maintenance (he always paid below the CMS minimum) but because he is a party animal with a penchant for Michelin starred restaurants and expensive wines and an absolute inability to organise his own finances.

But he is a man so everyone thinks he is the poor victim in the whole situation. I can say similar from most professional divorced women I know, they carry their own wait but the exH’s get the credit.

And another one that is self projecting!! Well, considering the 'DM' in this situation was the one that had the affair then yeah, he is the victim... RTFT FFS.

OP, no one is right and no one is wrong. You are all doing the best that you can. I feel very emotionally invested in all of this! I wish you, your DSis, DM, DF and DH all the very best and I hope you at least update us when your DC arrives to bless this world. You are a wonderful human.

I am not self projecting, I just said that you can’t assume men are knights in shining armours for leaving the family home and downgrading their life style.

Many end up on that situation not out of love for their families but due to being useless at budgeting, despite being paid far more than the woman on the vast majority of the cases.

In the same way, it cannot be assumed that people break up because someone had an affair. The affair is the catalyst that finally split the couple, it is in most cases a consequence of a failing relationship rather than the cause.

I am not self projecting, I just said that you can’t assume men are knights in shining armours for leaving the family home and downgrading their life style.

As your post was a response to mine, I think you are self-projecting. You were speculating that OP’s dad boil be like your ex, which is possible but not really relevant. Only OP and her family know of the relative finances - none of us do! And I don’t really care about the circumstances of the split. The reality is now that a 16 year old is no longer welcome in her lifelong home while she and her baby have been welcomed into a one bed flat.

Ok, let’s agree that I’m self projecting and that you are taking my posts as personal attack on you, did you post the one that I responded to previously? If so I didn’t notice.

I am just expressing my opinion as you are, so all is good

[quote Cattenberg]@icecreamgirl94, before one of you contacts your niece’s father, are you sure your DSIS doesn’t have a good reason for trying to avoid him?

She might just be embarrassed, or have lost interest in him since the break up, but could there have been any abuse/coercion involved? I really hope not, and I also hope his parents are decent people who will end up being good grandparents to your niece (once they’ve got over the shock).[/quote]
If I were this lad's parents I would also be asking the same questions - why did I not know of this before NOW ? Why has it been kept a secret ? It seems that everyone is expected to roll over on the time scale of a 16 year old . I would also be demanding a paternity test because of the non contact .

You seem to be making the decisions about what other people should do. No. That's not how it works. They are not your employees they're your family. Step up yourself and buy a bigger house to house your sister and child. And stop dictating to others what they should be doing.

@Viviennemary, the OP doesn’t have parental responsibility for her sister. Her parents, on the other hand...

How lovely that your dad has stepped up. Much better than her staying with you - you'd get no rest at all.

However, there is no way on this Earth that I could behave like your mother. Unforgiveable.

@Viviennemary

You seem to be making the decisions about what other people should do. No. That's not how it works. They are not your employees they're your family. Step up yourself and buy a bigger house to house your sister and child. And stop dictating to others what they should be doing.

How ridiculous. Does the OP have a money tree in her garden?

why should the op buy a bigger house to take care of her sister

im sure her df can work out whther they can upgrade or not now shes living there