Me and DSis pregnant. Mum only happy for me.

[icecreamgirl94]

Hi, newbie here. Not sure exactly what I’m asking to be honest, I’ve been debating what to write for a few hours! I think I just need to write it down.
I’m pregnant, due in March. This is the best news ever, DP and I have been trying for 6 years and had 2 losses so all the family are on cloud 9.
My 16 year old sister is also pregnant, obviously unplanned. The father doesn’t want any involvement and DSis had an abortion booked twice but has decided to keep the baby and the family have said they will support her choice. Everyone that is except our mum who has taken the news very badly. DSis didn’t tell her until nearly 4 months and since then their relationship has been awful. Back in September I invited DSis to stay with me and DP throughout the pregnancy, I thought it might be nice for us to be pregnant together and be a more relaxing environment for her. Since then DM has barely spoken to her.
Anyway the reason I’m posting is because DSis is due now and looks like she could go at any moment. She’s in our spare room (which is meant to be the nursery for our baby) and none of us really know what to do once her baby arrives. Realistically she can’t stay here, but I don’t want her to go back to DM’s if she isn’t going to be supportive. I’d hoped that once the baby arrived DM’s attitude would change but that seems less and less likely. DM is also really excited about my baby which makes me feel awful for poor DSis who is really anxious about the birth and just wants her mum. AIBU to expect better from DM?
Sorry I don’t even know why I’m posting this, I just don’t know what to do. Thanks if anyone does read.

[quote Chatterpie]@Shmithecat2 and people who get pregnant on the pill are what? Stupid? Irresponsible? Unlucky?

That's what happened to me. I was 17.

Perhaps you should consider yourself very lucky that nothing like this happened to you. Instead of being a nasty bitch to people less fortunate.

It's very distasteful to be bitchy about people that were less lucky than you. [/quote]
There's still choices in the vast majority of cases when contraception fails.

@AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter

Legend? How so? Or was it only an obligation for the DM to house the 16yo? Dad rocks up to save the day, after having a choice rather than an expectation, and he's a 'legend

He is legend because he is supporting his daughter despite the fact he lives in tiny cramped flat and her mother doesnt want to know.

However, it appears you are determined to make him the villain here due to him being male and the mother the hero in this scenario purely because she is female. Thats your choice of course but at least recognise the massive projection you are engaging in here which is completely obvious to everyone on this thread and it might be something that would be helpful for you to examine further.

I'm not painting him any kind of villain. I'm just wondering why he gets props for doing something, as the father, as if it's a massive thing for him to do, yet the mother, it was just expected of her. Bit like a dad 'babysitting' when the mother goes out and leaves the child at home..

I'm not protecting at all. I've got awesome parents and planned my family 🤷🏻‍♀️. I'm just massively disappointed that it's always the woman's plate that the shit falls on as a default, yet males get to sit back and wait to be asked or completely bail out as the father of this baby has done on his own child but no one seems that bothered about that small fact, then get a pat on the fucking back when they step up as if it wasn't their remit in the first place

@MessAllOver

Strangely, I agree the mum now needs to shape up. She was hard done by before (kept in the dark, told last, views disregarded and automatically expected to house and care for her daughter and the baby) but I think she ought to be looking to build bridges now. It's her grandchild and daughter and she can provide the most comfortable living situation for them both.

In mum's position, I would:

• Ask for an apology for being sidelined and disregarded (from the whole family).
• Apologise myself for not being there for my DD.
• Ask DD to research benefits and entitlements and come up with a financial plan for how she is going to cover baby's expenses. If there is a shortfall, both DF and I to contribute to cover it.
• Ask DD to start researching childcare options for baby which will let her restart her education properly at the right time.
• Come up with a babysitting plan clearly defining the help I'd be willing to offer - for example, DD does all night wakings, but I'd take baby some evenings after work and for a few hours at the weekend to let her catch up on sleep.
• Other family members (but particularly DF) to help with babysitting too so DD has time for homework, rest and study later on. A schedule to be drawn up.
• DD to help with chores around the house (when recovered), do all baby's laundry etc. and keep all baby's things tidily in her room.

The baby's here now - she needs the best possible start and a one bed with DF sleeping on the sofa is not ideal.

Yep, all of this.

The mother should absolutely apologise to her daughter- she has behaved appallingly.

What kind of mother does that? She has the space to house her daughter and the dad does not yet its only the dad who is apparently stepping up and making the effort here.

I notice the mum also left the dad and had an affair because "she thought she could do better". She sounds like an extremely unpleasant woman to me and if this scenario was reversed and it was the dad who had the affair EVERYONE would be ripping the dad to pieces about it.

Very hypocritical I think.

I'm not protecting at all. I've got awesome parents and planned my family 🤷🏻‍♀️. I'm just massively disappointed that it's always the woman's plate that the shit falls on as a default, yet males get to sit back and wait to be asked or completely bail out as the father of this baby has done on his own child but no one seems that bothered about that small fact, then get a pat on the fucking back when they step up as if it wasn't their remit in the first place

This has zero to do with gender roles and everything to do with behaviour. The mother cheated on the dad who then had to leave the family home and they then shared custody. The dad does not have the space in his flat but the mother DOES because she got custody of the kids and so naturally has a larger house and therefore, space for the daughter to stay but she refused.

As others have pointed out, a 16 year old wont be getting a council house so she is essentially homeless unless she can be put up by family. OP also said the mother wouldnt even speak with her daughter during her pregnancy let alone enquire if she was even ok.

This has nothing to do with the dad being praised for "babysitting" or anything- its because he is the only person (apart from the OP) in this scenario who is behaving kindly, being supportive and like a parent should. The mother on the other hand, doesnt appear to give a damn how her own daughter is.

THAT is why he is a legend and she.... well, isnt.

@AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter

I'm not protecting at all. I've got awesome parents and planned my family 🤷🏻‍♀️. I'm just massively disappointed that it's always the woman's plate that the shit falls on as a default, yet males get to sit back and wait to be asked or completely bail out as the father of this baby has done on his own child but no one seems that bothered about that small fact, then get a pat on the fucking back when they step up as if it wasn't their remit in the first place

This has zero to do with gender roles and everything to do with behaviour. The mother cheated on the dad who then had to leave the family home and they then shared custody. The dad does not have the space in his flat but the mother DOES because she got custody of the kids and so naturally has a larger house and therefore, space for the daughter to stay but she refused.

As others have pointed out, a 16 year old wont be getting a council house so she is essentially homeless unless she can be put up by family. OP also said the mother wouldnt even speak with her daughter during her pregnancy let alone enquire if she was even ok.

This has nothing to do with the dad being praised for "babysitting" or anything- its because he is the only person (apart from the OP) in this scenario who is behaving kindly, being supportive and like a parent should. The mother on the other hand, doesnt appear to give a damn how her own daughter is.

THAT is why he is a legend and she.... well, isnt.

Its EVERYTHING to do with gender roles. Dad's a legend, boyfriend fucks off scot free, and mum is an evil witch because she doesn't want her life turned upside down. You can keep banging on about her past - why is that? Do you think she needs to shoulder all this as some kind of punishment? Because from what the OP has posted (her leaving her mum to go live with her dad, and her sister leaving as soon as OP suggested), they really didn't want to be around DM anyway. Until it all goes tits up, then DM is useful again....

Maybe, if the DM hadn't been kept in the dark about the pregnancy until it was a fait accompli

It's interesting how many women on MN think the DM had a right to that window of time to insist and pressurise her DD to have an abortion. It was not her choice. The DD had every right not to mention it to her mother if she thought it wouldn't be helpful.

Given the affair and the way she washed her hands of her DD, knowing she'd be anxious and needing support, putting such pressure on her other DD at such a difficult time, and staying away through labour, not to mention failing to call even now when her 16 year old DD is so vulnerable with a newborn's well-being to consider, I can only conclude she's a callous narcissist.

Maybe mum and dad need to swap houses seeing as he's the one with the dependant now and she can have the one bedroomed flat 🤔

I feel the father of the baby has got away scot free as well, it took two to make the baby but no one has mentioned why the parents of the father haven't offered any sort of support, if the girl hasn't told them then she needs to so he and his family (if he is also 16) can provide support for the baby, so far it's been up to the girls family to step up, it's about time they did.

It's interesting how many women on MN think the DM had a right to that window of time to insist and pressurise her DD to have an abortion. It was not her choice. The DD had every right not to mention it to her mother if she thought it wouldn't be helpful.

I can only speak for what I would have liked if I were a mother in this situation. I would have liked the chance to have worked through and been involved in my daughter's decision. That only seems fair since it would have such a huge impact on my own life and also on my dreams and plans for my own child. I would have explained why I thought abortion was the right option (and I would have been blunt about it). If my DD was still determined to have the baby, I would have challenged her to come up with a sensible plan and research financial and childcare support. I would have clearly explained the limits of the support I was prepared to offer (and yes, that would include a home for her and baby). I would have tried to give my daughter the chance to talk to other teen mums and hear about their experiences to better prepare her for the reality of having a child if she chose to go ahead. But ultimately I would have been clear with her that there were two choices, one of which was to keep the baby. What I wouldn't have allowed her to do was to make this decision under any illusions that her life wouldn't completely change or that others would step in to parent her baby for her.

But that's irrelevant now - the baby is here and it needs to be loved and cherished (and it sounds like it will be) and the OP's DSis supported in coming to terms with the shock of being a parent.

As a single parent to a teenage girl, i raised both my kids 100% no help, i have told my daughter to tell me immediately if she gets pregnant. I cant cope with my dd having a baby. I want my freedom. I have had None and ive waited so long. Still waiting. Also, wouldnt ssy this to my dd but shr is lazy and m3ssy and the thoughts of her thinking she and a baby could just live with me forever would nake me die 😭

Sorry, meant "she" not "it" - forgot the OP had told us she's a beautiful little girl.

Your dad sounds really lovely OP.
I'm glad there is a plan going forward and congratulations all!

Congratulations to your dsis. You sound like a lovely sister who is just trying to do her best.
How you've kept your cool after so many people have either twisted what you've said or can't even be arsed to filter the thread to just read your posts I don't know!
Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy
Your mums stance wouldn't be mine, I'd not be overjoyed but I don't think I could have been so distant.

I'm delighted for you OP that you and your husband are being given soace and privacy to prepare for your baby's arrival.

It's great a solution has been found.
Hopefully now that your mother realises that she won't solely be responsible for your sister she can also support.

Of course she could have just realised she loves having her home to herself and has no wish to commit to sharing it indefinitely with your sister and grandchild!

Whatever the reason.

Wishing you the best.
You sound like you will be a wonderful mother yourself and that you have a good man at your side.

Its EVERYTHING to do with gender roles. Dad's a legend, boyfriend fucks off scot free, and mum is an evil witch because she doesn't want her life turned upside down. You can keep banging on about her past - why is that? Do you think she needs to shoulder all this as some kind of punishment? Because from what the OP has posted (her leaving her mum to go live with her dad, and her sister leaving as soon as OP suggested), they really didn't want to be around DM anyway. Until it all goes tits up, then DM is useful again

what a load of bollocks! if the dad had been the one to have an affair he would have been roasted!

You are projecting and its very very obvious.

@Shmithecat2 I’m not sure how you, and a couple of other posters have managed to miss what I’ve already posted several times now, DM was NEVER expected to house DSis and the baby. The 3 of us sat down and had a discussion. DM was obviously not happy about the pregnancy and she and DSis were arguing a lot. I then offered to have DSis stay with me through the pregnancy which at that point had about 4 months left. DM said this was a good idea and that once the baby was born she could move back in with her and they would see how it went, as in, if DSis became too reliant on DM then she would need to be housed elsewhere. Dad offered to have her with him but DSis and I both said that wasn’t practical, for dad as much as anything who was working full time at that point (he’s now on furlough). Only last week DM changed her mind and no longer wants DSis to move back. That was my original AIBU post, was it unreasonable to have expected better from DM, not expected her to house and parent DSis’s baby, just expected her to at least house them to begin with, because it was her own suggestion. If I have to try and make this clear again I think I might scream! Also I’m not making out dad is a legend, he’s not, he’s just a decent guy who has always been there for DSis and I. Mentioning the affair was not intended to paint DM as a monster, it was intended to explain why dad wasn’t living in the family home whilst trying to make the situation clear so that people didn’t just assume he was an absentee parent who couldn’t be bothered.
I fully agree with the posters saying the baby’s father’s family need to be involved, we’re working on that.
Thank you for all the kind messages, it’s much appreciated.

You seem absolutely determined to paint the OP's mother in this weird passive victim role where only her needs are important. The mother apparently has no responsibility for her actions ever yet everyone else had to take 100% for theirs - why is that? why is the mother the only one in this entire scenario who gets to make their own choices, who gets to make mistakes, who gets not to own their own behaviour when you are doggedly trying to punish everyone else for their behaviour except her?

Projection ahoy!

DM was NEVER expected to house DSis and the baby.

I appreciate what you're saying, but I think you're being a little disingenuous here, OP. She was the obvious choice until things became difficult. That said, you're right that your dad has stepped up fantastically and you yourself have managed this difficult situation very well and been a great support to your DSis (and I would also be a little disappointed in your DM in your situation). I hope things work out long term. Best wishes to you and the new one .

However, it appears you are determined to make him the villain here due to him being male and the mother the hero in this scenario purely because she is female

That’s not the case at all and I appreciate you’re trying to turn the ‘gender’ tables but your logic doesn’t add up!

DF is simply taking a turn at housing his own child. She appears to have lived with DM most of her life so why shouldn’t he take a turn?

As a parent he has a responsibility to have suitable accommodation for himself and his 16yo DD. If he doesn’t then that’s on him and ‘legend’ status is certainly not extended to all the thousands of struggling mums out there currently sharing unsuitable accommodation with their child. It’s simply ‘expected’ that they get on with it. So no I don’t think he’s a ‘legend’ for sleeping on the sofa. I think literally thousands of women are doing the same every day and not getting any medals.

Whilst I get the points you think you’re trying to make you are sounding like a bit of a male apologist. Not sure why you’re awarding DF a medal for supporting DD in this situation when it sounds like DM carried that weight pre pregnancy.

Also, let’s be clear, DM has not left DD homeless. She has sat back and not jumped in, taken control or offered up her home, whilst DD lived with Dsis and now DF. Very different.

Good luck to you and your DSis and both babies, OP!

Congratulations to your sister and also well done you for being the adult in all of this and trying to sort out what's best for your sister and her baby.

Hopefully your DM will reconsider when she meets baby but your dad sounds fantastic to stepping in to protect both his daughters.
Yes your dsis has to get things sorted but not in the first few weeks of a newborn it's hard at any age let alone a 16 year old.
I really hope that your DM wishes to protect her daughter and granddaughter.
OK your sisters decision to have her but a 16 year old with a baby can very easily fall through the cracks I really hope your mum isn't trying to teach her some sort of lesson about how hard it is etc etc anyone with a newborn baby will tell you how tough it is!

I'm in awe of you OP you sound like a fantastic big sister (and now Aunty) and yes your DM is definitely being unreasonable!

If your Mum is working full time & your Dad not working atm, it certainly makes more sense for your sister to currently be there.

As a parent he has a responsibility to have suitable accommodation for himself and his 16yo DD. If he doesn’t then that’s on him and ‘legend’ status is certainly not extended to all the thousands of struggling mums out there currently sharing unsuitable accommodation with their child. It’s simply ‘expected’ that they get on with it. So no I don’t think he’s a ‘legend’ for sleeping on the sofa. I think literally thousands of women are doing the same every day and not getting any medals.

Except in this case, he vacated the 3 bedroom family home, leaving it for the mum and younger daughter. A home that, given OP's age, possibly no longer has a mortgage on it. While he moved into a rented? 2 bed flat - a flat he later could not afford. I'm sure if the roles were reversed and he had the larger house while the mum had the one bed flat, she would indeed be the legend for agreeing to sleep on the sofa in order to house her DD and baby.

@Windchangeface

However, it appears you are determined to make him the villain here due to him being male and the mother the hero in this scenario purely because she is female

That’s not the case at all and I appreciate you’re trying to turn the ‘gender’ tables but your logic doesn’t add up!

DF is simply taking a turn at housing his own child. She appears to have lived with DM most of her life so why shouldn’t he take a turn?

As a parent he has a responsibility to have suitable accommodation for himself and his 16yo DD. If he doesn’t then that’s on him and ‘legend’ status is certainly not extended to all the thousands of struggling mums out there currently sharing unsuitable accommodation with their child. It’s simply ‘expected’ that they get on with it. So no I don’t think he’s a ‘legend’ for sleeping on the sofa. I think literally thousands of women are doing the same every day and not getting any medals.

Whilst I get the points you think you’re trying to make you are sounding like a bit of a male apologist. Not sure why you’re awarding DF a medal for supporting DD in this situation when it sounds like DM carried that weight pre pregnancy.

Also, let’s be clear, DM has not left DD homeless. She has sat back and not jumped in, taken control or offered up her home, whilst DD lived with Dsis and now DF. Very different.

Someone gets it 👏👏👏