To leave DH for being a twat

[Glenchase]

I lost my job months ago. DS’s nursery keeps closing and opening and closing (currently closed until I don’t know when) so it’s not realistic for me to get another job right now. I’m sick of being stuck in the house on my own with a toddler. Sick of watching cartoons and playing trains. Sick of going for stupid walks in the cold and having to hang onto a toddler who doesn’t want to hold my hand and be constantly alert for idiots who come too close. Last night DS woke me up several times so I had to get in bed with him and then I just lay awake till 4am crying.

Today I was tired and just had enough so we had a duvet day. Stayed in our pyjamas, didn’t do any chores like emptying the dishwasher. Watched Netflix and DS fell asleep so I read my book for a bit.

DH has come home and all hell has broken loose because we’re still in our pyjamas and haven’t tidied up. He was screaming that I’m not a teenager and I can’t just sit around in my hoody watching childish things like The Witcher and reading Terry Pratchett and playing computer games with my friends (we have a weekly online game on a Thursday 8-11pm). Because I’m a mother and I have to get dressed and go for walks or whatever.

Firstly I don’t see what’s wrong with enjoying fantasy books and tv when I have time. Or playing one game per week after my child is in bed. Why is age relevant to enjoying those things? The friends I play with are aged 30-50. Secondly I don’t see what’s wrong with wearing a hoody (DH regularly wears a hoody himself). Thirdly I just feel he’s being ungrateful because he’s never congratulated me for the hundreds of days I’ve got up and dressed DS and taken him out, but the one day I don’t do it he starts screaming at me.

AIBU to just divorce him? He’s nasty and I’m sick of being criticised for what I think are fairly normal things. I’m tired and depressed and isolated and bored, and he’s just being selfish and unsupportive.

It is worrying that you want congratulated for getting out of bed in the morning

I read it as though some comments were making out he is a hard done by man by going out to work and that OP should be thankful, whilst he hasn't got up with his child, even on a weekend, for 200 days. Lazy bastard.

Get rid. When I finally had enough of mine I told him being alone would be a step up from being with him. That shut him up. Life's too short for that crap.

@Bumblebee1980a @Draineddraineddrained
The mortgage is in his name but I pay it via my income, I don't really have a leg to stand on it would be me who goes with nothing an the kids. He doesn't care he's all about himself. Won't give me half to a food shop but spent 6000 on his teeth last year ? Lol
Iv applied for a council house but it's a waiting game to get one in an area I need then to get the adaptations for the children.
It's fine il be okay I always am , don't have much support as I'm locked in this blinking house but he doesn't know I get extra money for the children so that's all now been saved for when we find a house, until then I just get on with it. Make sure my jobs are done of a night, enjoy my day with the kids and ignore him the best I can. I stay out the way to avoid the abuse. If he says jump. Atm I say how high! He does shout at me in front of the kids how I'm a fat ugly slag who doesn't do anything and I'm dirty and a tramp
If you seen my house, like if anyone else does, they all comment on how do I keep it so clean with 3 kids and 4 step kids and they call it a show home from next
This was actually said by a paramedic who came once

Don't want social services involved to make my life harder. Iv had them on my case before (someone said I sold iligal substances - Was an old friend who wanted my house before I moved and I wouldn't let her rent it snidely in my name, she's abit rough so she reported me. Long story!)
Don't worry though, il get sorted just have to bide my time so I don't struggle to much

Sorry to derail op! Xx

@spidermomma

I wish I had the balls to do this... I have 3 kids all under 5, 2 are terminally ill. I have to do my chores or we get kicked out pretty much! So once they go to bed at 7/8 I clean my house from top to bottom my list is 3 bathrooms, dining room, kitchen, livingroom, toy room, & do washing this includes my skirt boards daily, that 10000 peeices of glass we have, the blinds, door frames, tbh my list is endless that I have to do daily! Currently he isn't in work so spends most of his day in bed. That's my nightly chores and I clean throughout the day to

I'm mentally fucking broke, I can't afford to leave as I have no savings and the kids need special things I can't just go my money pays the bills, his money is his. If you can do it and your so unhappy do it

Don't be in my shoes in years to come !

are any of those chores essential to your childrens wellbeing? cleaning the glassware/skirting boards etc?

Housework is morally neutral, you do not exist to serve your home, your home exists to serve you, all you need is functional space.

Can i gently point you at a book called "How to keep house while drowning" its by KC Davies, she also operates as 'domesticblisters' on Tiktok.

While it is about keeping house while depressed, as a mom with a disabled child who struggles day to day, i've honestly found her ideas to be very freeing, and refreshing.. please look her up, she's a game changer for those of us who struggle.

@Songsofexperience

Get rid. When I finally had enough of mine I told him being alone would be a step up from being with him. That shut him up. Life's too short for that crap.

that would mean getting a job though, the DH might feel relieved not to have to be the full support of the family.

HorseOfPhillipMoss

My heavens, here's your well-earned little gold star sticker!

@spidermomma and please do try and see if you can get help to kick his sorry ass out, your H is a disgusting piece of shit and you and your babies deserve peace.

@MrsHusky he won't do anything as it's "his house" on a Paper
I love having a clean home but not to the extent we're I get abuse if I miss a spot ....
Il have a look on Amazon now and get that ordered
X

You both sound immature as f.

@toconclude I think you are the one who sounds immature

@spidermomma

You have proof from your bank records that you've contributed towards the mortgage.

That's fab that you've managed to save money. That will keep you going mentally as you have a plan.

Once you've saved and in the position to move out you can go for the money you've invested in the house.

I hope this piece of shit gets his comeuppance.

I have an incredibly supportive and loving DH who even if I did do nothing all day wouldn't hour or scream at me.

So this very much may not apply.

But I was a SAHM until DC went to school.

And now am furloughed again. He's in full time. So I'm doing all the home school.

But I can't in good conscience let him come home from work and there be housework he needs to do. Just feels crappy.

As ultimately yes I've been home with kids which isn't a walk in the park. But comparative to the stress he has working at the moment I do what ai can to make all of our evenings and weekends more/quality time.

And it's doesn't mean he comes in and does nothing. As I said he's awesome so once he's home he plays with DC while I cook dinner. Then he cleans up from dinner while DC and I read. Then he does bath time while I tidy around so as soon as DC are asleep all we have to do is sit and drink tea and do whatever we fancy.

Works best for us.

But OP’s DH didn’t have to do any housework or cook the dinner

On the other hand, your expectation on being “congratulated” for getting out of bed and parenting is highly unusual
I don’t expect to be congratulated. My point is that he takes it for granted that I parent every day, then I take a step back for one day and he yells at me. When actually he should look at the big picture and be grateful that I’ve parented for the last 300 days and only relaxed for one day.

Surely walks out with DC should be fun and playing trains as well
Not after a year of being mostly on our own and doing the same things repeatedly because we can’t go out. I don’t like walks and left to my own devices I wouldn’t go for a walk. I force myself because DC needs to get out. He needs other kids to play with but it’s impossible. I have other stuff I want to get on with.

Do you think he would much prefer if you didn't have a social life or feel good about your appearance?
It’s puzzling. When I didn’t lose weight for our wedding he shouted at me and told me I was lazy. But now I’ve lost weight and he’s shouted at me saying I think I’m a teenager. Probably because losing weight for the wedding is for his benefit and losing weight now isn’t?

He has always seemed insecure though. Before we had DC I remember going to a party and popping outside with a male friend for a cigarette. DH went nuts because he looked out the window and I was laughing and pulling my friend’s arm. Then I had the nerve to show my friend a video on my phone and we were giggling. DH absolutely lost it and said I saw you with him, you do not leave me and go off with another man!

Of course then I had DC and didn’t go out for ages. Now I’ve joined this weekly game group and he’s “jokingly” accused me of fancying the other men in the group. Yes DH, of course I’m flirting with John while his wife is on the Zoom call with us! But it’s perfectly fine for him to text work colleagues in the evening. At lunchtime he sometimes goes for a socially distanced walk round the block with a female colleague who shares his interest in photography, last week they took photos on the theme of “cold” and were texting about editing techniques. And I’m really not bothered, I just think it’s good that he’s getting some fresh air and has a friend to share an interest with. But if I went for a walk with a man he’d go nuts. My cousin’s husband is a SAHD and he had texted me it would be nice if the kids could play together because they’re family, maybe at the park when we’re allowed? And DH went off it and accused me of messing about with him, despite him being an obese older man who’s married to my cousin. So perhaps my improved appearance has a lot more to do with his behaviour than I first thought.

OP I haven't read the full thread but I think we are all struggling. You are struggling at home and bored with a toddler, he is probably stressed at work, worrying about catching/bringing home the virus plus he needs to keep his job as he is the breadwinner, not your fault just how it has worked out.

Maybe pick a calm moment and both acknowledge how you feel. I've been the bread winner for many years, husband is disabled so nothing to do with covid. I used to get so fed up of all the sympathy he got and yes I know that is horrible, he was/is in pain, his life is restricted but I get tired, stressed with work and just occasionally would like it if someone acknowledged that.

Obviously if he's always horrible the above doesn't apply. Hope you manage to have a reasonable day today.

It is worrying that you want congratulated for getting out of bed in the morning. Makes it seem like you often don't. He might be concerned you are depressed.

Oh come on. The point OP is making is that every other day she HAS gotten out of bed and got on with things. The ONE time she hasn't he's kicked off. No-one really expects to be 'congratulated' for getting up in the morning; but a bit of appreciation of the work BOTH of them are doing for the family is totally reasonable to expect. And it is totally reasonable to expect NOT to be given a mouthful of shit the one day you have an off day.

YABU for wearing a Hoodie as a grown adult and for wanting your husband to say 'Congratulations!' On the days you manage to get dressed That's really not a thing people do - not even the best husbands on earth.

He was wrong to go mad at you for having one single lazy day. However this obviously, clearly goes much deeper than just that one day. He seems to already be pretty annoyed with what you do/don't do, on a day to day basis. It sounds like this was the final straw for him but I admit that's just the vibe I'm getting. I don't want to speculate, I'm just saying how it sounds to me.

Just read the post before mine. His jealousy is a different issue to you having a pyjama day. Jealous is so destructive, that is a bigger issue to me.

@Glenchase

Your DH sounds very controlling and incredibly cruel.

You don't deserve this.

I don’t expect to be congratulated. My point is that he takes it for granted that I parent every day, then I take a step back for one day and he yells at me. When actually he should look at the big picture and be grateful that I’ve parented for the last 300 days and only relaxed for one day

This is a very unusual view point, it’s hard to understand, every parent parents every day. Because, well the clue is in thr title, we are parents. You don’t work. The child is at home with uou. Of course he assumes you’ll parent them. Who else is going to do it. No one gets congratulated for it.

YABU for wearing a Hoodie as a grown adult
Really? 😂 Sorry but I’ll still be wearing them when I’m 80. I don’t see the problem.

YABU for wearing a Hoodie as a grown adult

Why?

@CostaDelCovid so is it ok for a DH to complain that his partner has friends who she socialises with one evening a week. It is ok for him to criticise her looks, her clothes (what the fuck is wrong with a hoodie). Poor DH to have a wife who wears a hoodie, no wonder that was the final straw for him.

@Glenchase i'm beginning to think you married my Ex... or at least his carbon copy.

This isn't going to improve, he'll keep this up to the point you begin to not want to sleep with him, and then the accusations of cheating will escalate alongside him sexually harassing you.

Please, get out. ASAP.

This thread is bonkers and would go in a completely different way if the roles were reversed

but hoodies are great and hoodie dresses are fab as casual wear in this lockdown