To leave DH for being a twat

[Glenchase]

I lost my job months ago. DS’s nursery keeps closing and opening and closing (currently closed until I don’t know when) so it’s not realistic for me to get another job right now. I’m sick of being stuck in the house on my own with a toddler. Sick of watching cartoons and playing trains. Sick of going for stupid walks in the cold and having to hang onto a toddler who doesn’t want to hold my hand and be constantly alert for idiots who come too close. Last night DS woke me up several times so I had to get in bed with him and then I just lay awake till 4am crying.

Today I was tired and just had enough so we had a duvet day. Stayed in our pyjamas, didn’t do any chores like emptying the dishwasher. Watched Netflix and DS fell asleep so I read my book for a bit.

DH has come home and all hell has broken loose because we’re still in our pyjamas and haven’t tidied up. He was screaming that I’m not a teenager and I can’t just sit around in my hoody watching childish things like The Witcher and reading Terry Pratchett and playing computer games with my friends (we have a weekly online game on a Thursday 8-11pm). Because I’m a mother and I have to get dressed and go for walks or whatever.

Firstly I don’t see what’s wrong with enjoying fantasy books and tv when I have time. Or playing one game per week after my child is in bed. Why is age relevant to enjoying those things? The friends I play with are aged 30-50. Secondly I don’t see what’s wrong with wearing a hoody (DH regularly wears a hoody himself). Thirdly I just feel he’s being ungrateful because he’s never congratulated me for the hundreds of days I’ve got up and dressed DS and taken him out, but the one day I don’t do it he starts screaming at me.

AIBU to just divorce him? He’s nasty and I’m sick of being criticised for what I think are fairly normal things. I’m tired and depressed and isolated and bored, and he’s just being selfish and unsupportive.

@groovergirl that isn't the half, constant shouting at me and calling me saying I don't do enough. I have considered killing him but he isn't worth the air he breathes plus my baby's need me for their care !
He's a horid horid man! I wish he was at work so I could enjoy the kids more and relax in the day but I can't. I'd love a pj day like op an be able go for daily walks. I can't do much walking as my oldest can't walk properly so it's a lot with a 3yo running off, pushing a pram and supporting a 4yo to walk. I get shit for not doing it often enoigh !
So wish I lived in Australia haha I'd be with you in a flash xx

Oh my goodness I can't cope with this post.

Where are you @spidermomma and how can we help you? I mean it I really want to help.

Sending big hugs to you and your beautiful children.

Can you talk to social services. Are you married? Can you speak to citizens advice?

@spidermomma

He kicks you and your terminally ill children out of the house?

Do you have any other support?

This is really serious.
I'm absolutely heart broken for you x

@Bluntness100

I also think there is two sides to this. It’s very very easy to say people should always behave sympathetically. However that also fails to take into account what the other person is going through. And sympathy works two ways

There is a lot of clear blue water between 'being sympathetic' and 'being abusive'. Most decent people with an averagely human level of imperfection would fall somewhere between.

I mean I like to think I am a particularly loving and giving person and my DP is usually incredibly proactive and hardworking, so if I came home to a situation like this my instinctive response would be to worry if he was OK and try to help. My DP is a bit lower on the empathy scale than me and an obsessive tidier (I'm a bit on the lazy/absent-minded side), and there might be a muttered 'FFS it's like a bombsite in here' and some ostentatious tidying/huffing, but by and large he would respect the fact I'm an autonomous adult and a decent mother and if this is the way my day has gone, as a one-off, then that's my own business. Certainly he wouldn't start screaming at me and tearing down my entire personality in front of our preschooler. That's abusive, unacceptable, horrible behaviour. One does not need to have 'sympathy' for someone whose reaction to a slightly messy home and a duvet day jumps straight to abuse. That does not indicate that they are particularly struggling necessarily; it indicates that they are not making even a rudimentary attempt to control themselves.

@Bluntness100

I also think there is two sides to this. It’s very very easy to say people should always behave sympathetically. However that also fails to take into account what the other person is going through. And sympathy works two ways.

If I was made the sole breadwinner and came home after work to find the house a tip and my husband and child in their pyjamas, yes in the real world I should say “oh darling, are you not feeling good, let me see what I can do cor you” but there is a High chance if I was frustrated ans stressed I’d be shouting “are you shitting me, you’re sitting watching golf all day and still in your pyjamas”

People complaining he should be sympathetic to the op as it’s a one off, are failing to think she should in any way be sympathetic to what he’s going through and why he reacted as he did.

And would you also throw in personal insults to boot about his looks, his clothes etc whilst your 3 yo sits there?

Op please don't listen to all the people telling you you deserve to be screamed at and irrational insults thrown at you. You don't. No one does.

He sounds very uncompassionate, OP, unable to let you conduct your day in a way that works for you. You and he don't seem compatible - he doesn't seem to like anything about you, the things that make you 'you'. Are you very different people?
Also he sounds like he thinks that he's your boss, or something like that.

@Indoctro

Is he having to work and do all the housework.? As if it was me out all day working and coming home to a Shit tip I'd be annoyed to personally

There is always 2 sides to a story.

Yes, every day it would pis me off. But from the sounds of it she has been doing the bulk of the housework every day, this one day she was tired so she didnt. If he had to get up multiple times in the night and then work a full day he would, I imagine, be cross. But this is exactly what he expects OP to do. It sounds more like he resents seeing her happy and relaxed. That is not a good sign.

@spidermomma

this sounds so awful. I'm so sorry about your babies. Do you have anyone in real life who supports you that you could turn to for support? Are you married to or cohabiting with the cunt?

Seriously a roof over your head isn't worth this shit. And he can't throw you out whatever he's threatening. Just let him try to throw a woman and three young kids including those with additional needs out onto the street - he'd need to either physically do it himself (instant call to the police for violent assault) or call the police to do it - which he would NEVER do because for men like this it's all about their ego and even he knows what a cunt that would make him look.

What happens if you just don't do it? Refuse? Ignore him? Does he get violent, or verbally abusive? Does he do this in front of the children?

Sorry to derail your thread OP but this is just so horrible

No doubt one of the handmaidens will be along in a moment to say there's 'two sides' to this story too and we 'only have Spidermommy's word for it'

Also, I can guarantee if you were out at work all day and it was your husband who got up every night to see to the toddler, and looked after the toddler all day every day, and every day (but one) did the housework and cooking etc for you, then other women would be falling over themselves to tell you how lucky you were/how great he is. No-one would think it acceptable to complain about one day he ONLY got up with the toddler and looked after the toddler all day.

@SueEllenMishke

I think many men may struggle to come home to wife in jim jams though!

Why??

Because we are supposed to tie a ribbon in our hair, and remove our apron so that we can greet them at the door with a smile while the scent of freshly baked apple pie wafts through the house. Durrr!

Being a SAHP is relentless at the best of times. I remember well how the isolation, the boredom & the repetitive mindless household tasks got to me. It must be 100 times worse being a SAHP during lockdown and you have my sympathies OP.

It sounds like your partner has no comprehension of just how much you regularly do and how hard it is to have the motivation to keep going when you’re just doing the same thing every single bloody day. Fair enough for him to criticise if you were slobbing about on the sofa every day, but one single (much needed by the sounds of it!) duvet day and he kicks off? That’s not fair at all. And criticising your hair & clothes and your hobbies is completely unacceptable.

I do get that he is probably struggling as well... I’m sure it’s no picnic having the responsibility of being the sole breadwinner. But that’s no excuse.

I think you both need to take some time to have a frank conversation about how best to support each other at this time. You need send him a strong message that he should respect your role of SAHP and your choices on what to wear and how you want to socialise.

And if I were you I’d be looking at ways to eventually get back into employment for whenever the nursery reopens or even a longer term plan for when your DS goes to school.

Duvet days are great. I l8ved them when i was a kid and have them with my own children now.
Why cant he do chores now and then? Is he allergic to the dishwasher?
If it was every day i get why he would get annoyed but now and then... tell him to do one.

We are the middle of a global pandemic which is currently running at twice what it was at it's height last year. You are unemployed and companies are closing down or laying off their employees at an unprecedented rate. So, unless you have a private income or your parents have room for you to both live , rent free, I would suggest you take time-out and try sitting down with your husband and talking it through with him first. Just a suggestion.

This pandemic is turning people into monsters.

Because we are supposed to tie a ribbon in our hair, and remove our apron so that we can greet them at the door with a smile while the scent of freshly baked apple pie wafts through the house. Durrr!

Ah of course. I must have misplaced my 'how to be a good 1950's housewife' handbook.

@spidermomma

Could you start a new thread?

Sounds like you do an incredible job of looking after your babies. I just think that you deserve a some support.

Another poster mentioned your rights - this is true he can't throw you out. You have rights.
I think you could get him to leave though...

Everyone needs a lazy day, regularly. It's entirely possible to have an 'off' day and not be neglectful to your child, as the OP has absolutely described. I bet the kid has had a lovely day.

OP's DH is probably stressed and worried, but being abusive is never justified. Conversations are justified, maybe even tense ones, but, from OP's account, that's not what happened.

And talking of one-sidedness - aren't all posts on MN one-sided? We never get the other side, and it's a little strange to be applying to this thread, without applying it to them all, or just not bothering.

Lastly tho' and I can't remember who did, but the usage of 'veged out' is disconcerting and troubling, do people really not know where the phrase comes from? And if you do, still feel it's ok to use it?

He was being a massively unreasonable spanner for screaming at you like that, uncalled for. He’s allowed to feel frustrated (although I think he’d be overreacting by the sound of it) but it’s never ok to verbally abuse someone.

Sounds like you losing the weight you’ve lost (well done!), getting a social life and getting a good balance going- one pjs day every now and then doesn’t change the good balance you’ve got- is maybe the bigger issue here that’s pissing him off. And that’s his problem. Don’t be changing anything.

I am at the idea of it being so very terrible for a man to see his partner in her pjs during the day as another poster commented. Mine will come down from his home office to find me and my daughter in ours at like 4.30pm and if he comments on it at all it’s to say “screw it I’m putting mine on too!” But then he’s not an uptight wanker.

@PietariKontio

Lastly tho' and I can't remember who did, but the usage of 'veged out' is disconcerting and troubling, do people really not know where the phrase comes from? And if you do, still feel it's ok to use it?

That was me. I'll put my hands up it had never occurred to me that it was a problematic phrase. But now you mention it I can see how it could potentially be so. I'll come up with something more neutral in future!

Bottom line OP is that if he's making you unhappy then divorce him. You don't need permission.

@Glenchase

Just to clarify, I don’t game all day and ignore my child. I game one evening per week after he’s in bed, it’s my only social interaction and it supports my mental health at this isolating time.

We didn’t get dressed today or go for a walk or do any chores. I did cook breakfast and lunch for my child, read to him, talked to him, we put music on and danced, I watched a tv documentary on my phone while he played with his trains, and later on we vegged out with snacks in front of a Netflix programme that wasn’t particularly of interest to a child, hence why he fell asleep. When DH came home I handed him the toddler and I cooked dinner and emptied the dishwasher, which was much easier without a child crying for attention and running off with the plates.

This led to a huge rant from DH about me being irresponsible because clearly I was lazy and immature and not fulfilling my parental responsibility. He’s never congratulated me on the last 300 days in a row where I have got dressed though! He’s just picked on the 1 day when I haven’t. And then he started ranting about how everything I like is childish, and my clothes are childish, and so is my hair, which is really not relevant. Typical behaviour from him though - I do 9 things and instead of being grateful for the 9 he whinges because I haven’t done 10.

I had one of these.

I divorced him.

Now if i want to sit in my pjs all day, let the kids play on their xbox while i veg in front of the TV and ignore all chores beyond making sure everyone is fed, then i can, and its none of his fucking business.

@HorseOfPhillipMoss

Except we only have her word that this was a one off and that he was screaming (the combination of which seems unlikely). I also think if you commit to being a stay at home parent that's what you do you look after the home and children, you don't just slob about. If OP isn't happy with that she needs to find work and they both need to organise childcare between them, the default isn't that he works so she can't. DH was off today with DS he didn't just laze about. I was off Friday and neither did I. I probably would've had a bath and read a book while DS slept too, in fact I did on Friday, but while the bath was running, I unloaded the dishwasher, put some laundry away and put the tumble dryer on, not hard work. You make food, you clean up as you go, you don't just leave it for the person coming home from work. I'm not saying she should've done a deep clean and boiled her soft furnishings in zoflora a'la Hinch, just that leaving a toddler to stare at screens all day while you relieve your teenage passions isn't the best. DS is teething, molars, I was up a lot with him last night and still had to go to work today, I couldn't sit in a hoodie and watch TV. DH is on wake up duty tonight and we both have work tomorrow. It's life when you're a parent. She has one toddler not half a dozen.

Why is there always this assumption that leaving things til later is leaving it for the person coming home from work?

I never left the dishes/laundry/tidying for him to do, i left it for me to do later when i felt like doing it.

Leaving something for later is NOT leaving it for the other person to do.

It's still a double standard thread.
And looking after a toddler is not the hardest job in the world 🙄

It is worrying that you want congratulated for getting out of bed in the morning. Makes it seem like you often don't. He might be concerned you are depressed.

You are obviously very frustrated with your relationship.

It sounds like this is probably a build up of a lot of things and underlying it maybe a feeling that he is not all that attracted to you if he is calling your interests immature when they are a big part of who you are? There must be some hurt there and you don't feel valued - either for your personality/ interests or for what you're contributing to the family.

I think you need to have a clear discussion with him about what you are feeling right now - he may have no idea that you are actually thinking of ending the relationship or how much it's affecting you.

Sounds like you've also had a bit of a transformation over the last few years - you mention losing 3st and change in style etc. Do you think that has changed his view of you a bit?

It's also important to consider how much lockdown is affecting things - both your own mental health and your partner - he might also be feeling more irritable and stressed than he usually would in normal times.