To leave DH for being a twat

[Glenchase]

I lost my job months ago. DS’s nursery keeps closing and opening and closing (currently closed until I don’t know when) so it’s not realistic for me to get another job right now. I’m sick of being stuck in the house on my own with a toddler. Sick of watching cartoons and playing trains. Sick of going for stupid walks in the cold and having to hang onto a toddler who doesn’t want to hold my hand and be constantly alert for idiots who come too close. Last night DS woke me up several times so I had to get in bed with him and then I just lay awake till 4am crying.

Today I was tired and just had enough so we had a duvet day. Stayed in our pyjamas, didn’t do any chores like emptying the dishwasher. Watched Netflix and DS fell asleep so I read my book for a bit.

DH has come home and all hell has broken loose because we’re still in our pyjamas and haven’t tidied up. He was screaming that I’m not a teenager and I can’t just sit around in my hoody watching childish things like The Witcher and reading Terry Pratchett and playing computer games with my friends (we have a weekly online game on a Thursday 8-11pm). Because I’m a mother and I have to get dressed and go for walks or whatever.

Firstly I don’t see what’s wrong with enjoying fantasy books and tv when I have time. Or playing one game per week after my child is in bed. Why is age relevant to enjoying those things? The friends I play with are aged 30-50. Secondly I don’t see what’s wrong with wearing a hoody (DH regularly wears a hoody himself). Thirdly I just feel he’s being ungrateful because he’s never congratulated me for the hundreds of days I’ve got up and dressed DS and taken him out, but the one day I don’t do it he starts screaming at me.

AIBU to just divorce him? He’s nasty and I’m sick of being criticised for what I think are fairly normal things. I’m tired and depressed and isolated and bored, and he’s just being selfish and unsupportive.

*It’s puzzling. When I didn’t lose weight for our wedding he shouted at me and told me I was lazy. But now I’ve lost weight and he’s shouted at me saying I think I’m a teenager. Probably because losing weight for the wedding is for his benefit and losing weight now isn’t?

He has always seemed insecure though. Before we had DC I remember going to a party and popping outside with a male friend for a cigarette. DH went nuts because he looked out the window and I was laughing and pulling my friend’s arm. Then I had the nerve to show my friend a video on my phone and we were giggling. DH absolutely lost it and said I saw you with him, you do not leave me and go off with another man!

Of course then I had DC and didn’t go out for ages. Now I’ve joined this weekly game group and he’s “jokingly” accused me of fancying the other men in the group. Yes DH, of course I’m flirting with John while his wife is on the Zoom call with us! But it’s perfectly fine for him to text work colleagues in the evening. At lunchtime he sometimes goes for a socially distanced walk round the block with a female colleague who shares his interest in photography, last week they took photos on the theme of “cold” and were texting about editing techniques. And I’m really not bothered, I just think it’s good that he’s getting some fresh air and has a friend to share an interest with. But if I went for a walk with a man he’d go nuts. My cousin’s husband is a SAHD and he had texted me it would be nice if the kids could play together because they’re family, maybe at the park when we’re allowed? And DH went off it and accused me of messing about with him, despite him being an obese older man who’s married to my cousin. So perhaps my improved appearance has a lot more to do with his behaviour than I first thought.*

OK yeah this guy is a nasty abusive fucker who thinks he owns you. Why on earth did you marry him???

Definitely divorce him, you don't need to live your life like this with someone who both treats you like you're worthless and gatekeeps you like you belong to him.

[quote HorseOfPhillipMoss]@Glenchase you do what we had to do and you send them to the shit keyworker provision.

You said you did nothing and now you're backtracking. Stay at home laze about call your husband a twat, leave him, do whatever you like. It's you that's not happy. Only you can change that.[/quote]
Shit keyworker provision? I beg your pardon?????????

@Bumblebee1980a I'm a firm believer in karma. He will get it when he least expects it ! X

I feel so sad for you OP
You did nothing wrong and your dh sounds cruel.
We’ve had days like that. My dh has come in taken one look rushed off for a shower and come down to cook dinner and tidy up, the next day I heard him up at some ungodly hour hovering he had cleaned and tidied the whole house before work so that I didn’t have to worry. That is what you deserve too not to be treated like crap and told off like a child
Sorry you have to put up with it xx

Life is hard rn and lots of people seemed to hit a bit of a wall last week. It’s ok to be kind to yourself and to have a pyjama day once in a while, especially while the weather isn’t great. I do kind of get that when you come home knackered from work and it feels like no one else has done anything all day, then it’s easy to feel pretty pissed off, but you are not doing anything too awful. It’s once in a while not every day.

@CostaDelCovid the only provision our local authority provided for under 5 keyworker children during first lockdown when all of our local nurseries closed was some people from social care and a load of toddlers in a church hall. That's what we all had to do because we had to go to work.

How can people defend the DH when he is so controlling about who the OP can talk to ie she is not allowed near any other man. She can only lose weight if it is what he wants, wear clothes that he approves of.

He sounds like a prick.

@HorseOfPhillipMoss

@CostaDelCovid the only provision our local authority provided for under 5 keyworker children during first lockdown when all of our local nurseries closed was some people from social care and a load of toddlers in a church hall. That's what we all had to do because we had to go to work.

And given the OP is currently jobless and the job market is shite, you think it would be better for her kid/more responsible of her to try and find another job and put her child into a setting like that just so her husband won't shout at her for spending one day wearing her pyjamas and reading a book at nap time? Which you still seem to think he was partially justified in doing despite all the OP's subsequent posts which clearly demonstrate that he's a controlling arsehole?

If I was currently jobless and had the financial choice between unsettling my young child by slinging them into a short term and inadequate provision, or waiting a few months until restrictions were lifted to look after them myself (i.e. giving them consistency and security) I'd certainly plump for that, and I think it would be better for their wellbeing EVEN IF some days there was a lot of CBeebies.

I'm sorry that, because you have a job you need to keep, you have had to send your kids to a provision you know isn't good enough for them/what you would want. But that isn't the OP's situation, and why would she scrabble around for a job that would mean she has to do that when she and her husband can afford for her to care for her child at home until restrictions are lifted?

He's a controlling and abusive motherfucker-I'd be getting my ducks in a row and planning my exit with my son if it were me

Tea break is over I'm off back to work. I replied to a poster who asked what my reference to shit keyworker provision was, that comment was in reference to 'oh but what about childcare'. Firstly that is a shared responsibility with the father and to highlight not all of us have the luxury of sitting about watching TV, we've had to use childcare we wouldn't usually choose or the rest of you would soon be up in arms if we didn't go to work.

Get the hell out of there. He is abusive, controlling and seems to have absolutely no love or respect for you since you gained a life for yourself.

At least once a week at the moment I will have a 'meh' day, where as long as everyone is fed and alive at the end of it, it really doesn't matter if we're all still in our pjs or haven't managed our walk round the block. DH, since being partially furloughed, gets it. He knows how hard it is to entertain 2 young children, home school one etc and if the housework falls off a cliff for one day, oh well there is always tomorrow. The other 3 days I'm not working, everything is done, house clean and tidy, dinner ready, kids in bed before he even gets home from work. If he dared to shout at me for one off day a week/month/year whatever, he'd be looking at finding somewhere else to live.

@HorseOfPhillipMoss

So essentially you're letting your sense of martyrdom override any consideration of the facts the OP has presented - either about her childcare situation, or about her clearly controlling and abusive partner, because she had a lazy day and you can't stand the fact she has the option and you don't. Mature.

He accuses you of wanting to cheat on him when you spend some time with others? Big red flag.

I totally agree that now that you've revealed more about him, he does sound highly unpleasant, overly critical and controlling.
However - I repeat my question to you - would you be happy for your DH to have a pyjama day himself?
Staying at home with young kids is hard. I get that. Been there. Done it.
However, going out to work is hard too. The days I work are long (10 hours minimum) with next to no break. When I get home I'm tired! So I think it's not only the SAHP who needs a break, is what I'm saying, you both do.

Yes get rid, hate that men try and guilt trip us for not living up to their “ expected” standard of what a woman should be doing. You don’t owe him anything.

When I'm out all day on a long shift & my DP has been home all day with our toddler (as nursery shut) I will say 'well done' to him when I get home - because I know how tiring it is being 'on' all day with a young kid, & frankly keeping them fed, clean (ish) & happy for 12 hours is damn hard work.

OP, tell him to fuck off! Also, CostaDelCovid, you can fuck off too! I say this as an adult, with a successful career, who is sat here warm in my hoody while I wfh.

His is the behavour that's not normal. Screaming at your partner for taking a duvet day is not normal. I've probably had a month of duvet days over the past year, it's good for the mental health sometimes.

Yes, you should leave him.

He doesn't like The Witcher or Terry Pratchett? Dump him for those two reasons alone ;)

Drip feed much.

@Glenchase shocking. This caught my attention: He had less of a problem with it a year ago when I was 3st heavier and didn’t have pink hair or a leather jacket, nor did I have a group of friends to socialise with (albeit on zoom) once a week.

I think he is an insecure entitled SOB. I'd leave. He brings nothing in for you. How is he over the weekend? Does he get up, make breakfast for everyone, then plans a full on day with the toddler taking him places? Does he have a hobby? What does he do for fun?

I'd leave and never looked back the minute anyone would even try to tell me what to do, in any sense whatsoever.

FWIW I have been wearing PJs all day while WFH and so has my DH and have I had the option of reading a book for an hour (Pratchett

Also what @lonelySam said!!!

I think you need to start thinking longer plan here and think about what kind of a life you want and what kind of a partner you want, because nothing he is saying sounds supportive.

Yes obviously there may be two sides to the story but we only have the OP's not her DP's pov so that's what I'm basing this off.

I think he sounds like someone who is incredibly jealous and imagines you cheating at the drop of a hat, because he would. I think people who cheat can't imagine why someone wouldn't.

I would think that privately you need to start looking at your family finances and ensure that if you needed to leave or you broke up that you are financially secure.

In the short term you DP needs to be told that he has the luxury of having an inflexible job because you pick up the slack. What would happen if you were in a job that meant he had to do his share?

I love the idea of pink hair and well done on the 3 stone, and I love hoodies but hate that women's hoodies are never as warm as men's!

Don't let the b@stards grind you down

@Bluntness100

I don’t expect to be congratulated. My point is that he takes it for granted that I parent every day, then I take a step back for one day and he yells at me. When actually he should look at the big picture and be grateful that I’ve parented for the last 300 days and only relaxed for one day

This is a very unusual view point, it’s hard to understand, every parent parents every day. Because, well the clue is in thr title, we are parents. You don’t work. The child is at home with uou. Of course he assumes you’ll parent them. Who else is going to do it. No one gets congratulated for it.

Yes, and in the paragraph you've quoted the op says she doesn't expect to be congratulated. Just not to be yelled at.

She then goes on to detail a long history of coercive control. But let's keep focusing on this nonsense about congratulating her.