To leave DH for being a twat

[Glenchase]

I lost my job months ago. DS’s nursery keeps closing and opening and closing (currently closed until I don’t know when) so it’s not realistic for me to get another job right now. I’m sick of being stuck in the house on my own with a toddler. Sick of watching cartoons and playing trains. Sick of going for stupid walks in the cold and having to hang onto a toddler who doesn’t want to hold my hand and be constantly alert for idiots who come too close. Last night DS woke me up several times so I had to get in bed with him and then I just lay awake till 4am crying.

Today I was tired and just had enough so we had a duvet day. Stayed in our pyjamas, didn’t do any chores like emptying the dishwasher. Watched Netflix and DS fell asleep so I read my book for a bit.

DH has come home and all hell has broken loose because we’re still in our pyjamas and haven’t tidied up. He was screaming that I’m not a teenager and I can’t just sit around in my hoody watching childish things like The Witcher and reading Terry Pratchett and playing computer games with my friends (we have a weekly online game on a Thursday 8-11pm). Because I’m a mother and I have to get dressed and go for walks or whatever.

Firstly I don’t see what’s wrong with enjoying fantasy books and tv when I have time. Or playing one game per week after my child is in bed. Why is age relevant to enjoying those things? The friends I play with are aged 30-50. Secondly I don’t see what’s wrong with wearing a hoody (DH regularly wears a hoody himself). Thirdly I just feel he’s being ungrateful because he’s never congratulated me for the hundreds of days I’ve got up and dressed DS and taken him out, but the one day I don’t do it he starts screaming at me.

AIBU to just divorce him? He’s nasty and I’m sick of being criticised for what I think are fairly normal things. I’m tired and depressed and isolated and bored, and he’s just being selfish and unsupportive.

I think divorce might be a tad too far for this. Would he have had the same reaction if you had told him you were going to take a MH day from the outset? Does he have the opportunity to take a MH day himself?

It sounds like you both need to negotiate with one another. Is DH really orderly? If so he will be more upset by mess that others. If you combine that with being disagreeable, (men tend to be more so than women) then you have the perfect storm for this type of situation. I'm not saying his response is OK, but I think you both need to understand each other's feelings.

You could start by trying to verbalise his feelings (men can sometimes struggle with this) "I am sorry that the state of the house made you frustrated/angry etc". Then wait. He may apologise for his behaviour at that. If not, calmly assert what you were unhappy with about what he did. Avoid the phrase "you always do....." like the plague! You want to say what you want the relationship to look like moving forward. This should be a negotiation. For example you take a MH day when needed but you send him a text so it isn't a surprise to come back to a mess.

I think it is really easy to get into the mindset that you will either win or lose these situations but your DH is not your enemy. So you should hash it out with him. Especially for the sake of your toddler. It shows them what a strong female role model is. That they stick up for themselves but do not lack empathy.

Good luck OP. I hope it goes well.

I think he doesn't like that you've changed OP. That's what it's really about? Slimmer, pink hair, leather jacket, new friends. He doesn't know how to feel about it. Are you a little more confident as a result now, too? Bet there's some insecurity under there that you've outgrown him or something and unfortunately he's showing that by being a grade A cunt and pushing you away.

All the players criticising OP, bore off. I regularly, REGULARLY, do absolutely zero chores beyond dressing and feeding the kids, especially pre lockdown when they are much easier if we get out of the house. We just do it later. The sky surprisingly doesn't fall down. My kids also don't sleep well and it's killer. You gotta do what you gotta do OP and he was being massively unreasonable. I do think he's upset about something a bit deeper down though - doesn't excuse his behaviour by any means.

I’d tell him to get fucked. Seriously. It’s none of his business whether you get dressed or not - who the hell does he think he is?
And criticising your hair - what? People like him make me livid.

When I lost a lot of weight, and generally sexed up my look (if you see what I mean), my then husband, who could already be a bit of a dick, became even worse. It’s control - they sense it slipping away and they panic.....

I think both you and your dh are under enormous stress for different reasons?
Maybe he didn't realise you were under so much stress and taken it out on you. Not great, but maybe you need to talk to each other.

The gaming is difficult one. Just reading MN threads, there are so many people who just find it childish and not for adults, and flat out against it. I am lucky that although my dh doesn't play at all, he never complained about it. He has his own hobby so never been a problem before or after having children.

It would be highly unlikely if the OP was usually proactive and motivated, that get partner would walk in after I've day when she'd done the basics but little else and actually scream at her

Well you are very lucky to not have experienced that kind of man.

Like the OP, who said if she does 9 things her H will complain she hasn't done 10, I had exactly the same issue with my ex.

I worked school hours around our child Mon - Thursday. On Friday, I'd drop her at school, go and do the food shop, deep clean the kitchen, do the laundry, give the log burner a proper clean, have lunch and a bit of a chill time (maybe an hour) before picking her up from school, by which time he'd be home and if I'd not got round to hoovering or there was still washing in the machine he'd go batshit and ruin the rest of the weekend with his sulking.

It is such a relief not to live like that anymore.

Things we've learned from this thread:

If you are a SAHM you must devote every waking second to you child - you cannot watch or read anything that interests you.

And

If you decide to take it easy for one day you husband has every right to scream and shout at you and criticise your personality, appearance and hobbies.

What a load of bullshit.

OP you did nothing wrong.

@MintyCedric

It would be highly unlikely if the OP was usually proactive and motivated, that get partner would walk in after I've day when she'd done the basics but little else and actually scream at her

Well you are very lucky to not have experienced that kind of man.

Like the OP, who said if she does 9 things her H will complain she hasn't done 10, I had exactly the same issue with my ex.

I worked school hours around our child Mon - Thursday. On Friday, I'd drop her at school, go and do the food shop, deep clean the kitchen, do the laundry, give the log burner a proper clean, have lunch and a bit of a chill time (maybe an hour) before picking her up from school, by which time he'd be home and if I'd not got round to hoovering or there was still washing in the machine he'd go batshit and ruin the rest of the weekend with his sulking.

It is such a relief not to live like that anymore.

This .....

My ex husband was like this and we didn't even have kids!
If I had a days annual leave he would give me a list of jobs and expect me to be able to account for every minute.
If I spent the day reading or watching tv I was called lazy.

There are a lot of emotionally abusive men out there.

If just a one off then yes unreasonable .However you do sound depressed .It is difficult being isolated in the home with a tot ,but you do sound as though you are struggling .Surely walks out with DC should be fun and playing trains as well .Nothing wrong with gaming as such everyone needs a hobby! It is difficult at present for everyone I think .I think many men may struggle to come home to wife in jim jams though!

I think many men may struggle to come home to wife in jim jams though!

Why??

Fascinating thread. OP, your DH sounds a right sunshine stealer.

I used to be married to someone I call the Squelcher. He was actively destructive of my happiness, fumed when I chatted to friends (all of whom he disliked) and griped about my going for a run or to the gym. When I got a hard-earned promotion at work he said "So I suppose now you're going to spend even more time in the office". If I laughed at something in a book or on TV he'd fly into a rage and demand to know why I was so lavishly entertained when there was so much housework to be done. And yet he refused to go halves on a weekly cleaner. (I was working FT plus had a 5hpw casual job. DD was a 2yo at the time.)

OP, if this sounds anything like your DH, please make your plans to exit. Covid might delay your plans, but seriously, you need to go. This sort of person only gets worse with age. Any chance you can find a new job near your own family?

Re hoodies: I'm 55 and I love my hoodies. My 80-something neighbour rocks hoodies with her skinny jeans. All ages look good in hoodies. Hoodies are goodies.

Ah you have lost weight and changed up your appearance. Also opening up your social life. Do you think he would much prefer if you didn't have a social life or feel good about your appearance?

Ah indeed. I think it's all starting to make sense now. You started taking care of yourself and got a life that isn't centred around him... And he doesn't like it. He sees you looking more attractive and having interests that aren't dependent on him and he doesn't like it. So he's shitting all over it to try and crush it out of you.

Classic controlling arsehole.

I think I'd test the waters by saying you're looking for another job as clearly you're unsatisfactory as a temporary housewife , and ask him what you will do about the childcare. This is his issue not just yours. If he behaves as if it is indeed entirely your issue, then I think you know what kind of man you are dealing with - one who wants you under his thumb and dependent on his goodwill so he can treat you any way he likes.

By the way everyone who says "shouting and insults are unacceptable BUT..." I'm, there is no but. It's unacceptable behaviour between two adults. He has no right. Whatever discontents he may have he utterly lost the moral high ground when he screamed at the OP and belittled all her interests and appearance. There is no but.

I mean if he'd come home and slapped her, would it be "hitting is unacceptable BUT..."?

Emotional abuse and coercive control is still so poorly understood in this society.

I wish I had the balls to do this...
I have 3 kids all under 5, 2 are terminally ill. I have to do my chores or we get kicked out pretty much! So once they go to bed at 7/8 I clean my house from top to bottom my list is
3 bathrooms, dining room, kitchen, livingroom, toy room, & do washing this includes my skirt boards daily, that 10000 peeices of glass we have, the blinds, door frames, tbh my list is endless that I have to do daily! Currently he isn't in work so spends most of his day in bed. That's my nightly chores and I clean throughout the day to

I'm mentally fucking broke, I can't afford to leave as I have no savings and the kids need special things I can't just go my money pays the bills, his money is his. If you can do it and your so unhappy do it

Don't be in my shoes in years to come !

@dottiedodah

Surely walks out with DC should be fun and playing trains as well

Walks out with DC are fun - if it's not every day, one of the same three walks within reach of your house, in pissy cold weather, having to try and keep away from everyone else, and your toddler is going through the "running off" phase. Sorry, unless you're Mary fucking Poppins it's going to wear on you after a couple of months. That's actually normal and fine.

Playing trains is "fun"??? Sorry but if any grown adult actually enjoys getting down on their hands and knees and pushing toy trains around the rug under the orders of a toddler who screams "nooooooo!" every time you don't do it exactly the way they wanted but didn't tell you, and insists on doing the same thing over and over again with zero flexibility and variation... Then OK. Personally I love being with my child and teaching them new things and games, chatting, doing activities with a point to them... But when I'm expected to play with her Frozen figurines for an hour, doing all the voices and only saying EXACTLY the words she tells me to say or I'm not doing it RIGHT... yes I get bored! That sort of play is what other children are for. Which at the moment a lot of kids aren't getting. Pretend play when they're at the unimaginative "do it my way" stage can be incredibly boring! We do it anyway. The OP has been doing it anyway. But yesterday she needed a day off. Her child was none the worse for it.

By God there are a lot of perfect parents on here.

I think many men may struggle to come home to wife in jim jams though!

Why?? What's wrong with jimjams if you're not going out? Is she supposed to freshen up and put a gay bow in her hair to cheer her man when he gets home? The 1950s called and says it wants your empathy for spoiled men-children back.

He sounds abusive. Why does he think he has the right to scream at you. It doesn't matter that you had a duvet day. You should consider if this is the life you really want.

@dottiedodah

If just a one off then yes unreasonable .However you do sound depressed .It is difficult being isolated in the home with a tot ,but you do sound as though you are struggling .Surely walks out with DC should be fun and playing trains as well .Nothing wrong with gaming as such everyone needs a hobby! It is difficult at present for everyone I think .I think many men may struggle to come home to wife in jim jams though!

Given you started your sentence saying op sounds depressed, surely a man coming home to a wife in pajamas as a one off then should be concerned not screaming personal abuse

I do think there is two sides to this.

If what you say is correct - that is was a one off duvet day or it's something you don't do much then yes he's being too hard on you.

You do sound a bit depressed. Lack of sleep is like mental torture and if you've had a bad night sleep it really does impact the next day.

Maybe you could have got dressed later in the afternoon after resting all morning / early afternoon or emptied the dishwasher.

Some fresh air would have done you both good even if in the garden.

If it was me coming home to a messy house and a child who had watching tv all day I'd be really pissed at the screen time (if it had been all day) and not so much the state on the house.

Sounds like it was the straw that broke the camels back so to speak.

I work out of the home and DH is a SAHD. On those rare occasions when I get home and the house is a bombsite with everyone in pyjamas and breakfast still out, my first thought is: god this looks like it's been a stressful day and DH needs a break.

OP, you deserve better than this.

Oh the screaming is absolutely unacceptable! I hope this wasn't in front of DC.

I would suggest speaking to him about it once you've both calmed down x

I also think there is two sides to this. It’s very very easy to say people should always behave sympathetically. However that also fails to take into account what the other person is going through. And sympathy works two ways.

If I was made the sole breadwinner and came home after work to find the house a tip and my husband and child in their pyjamas, yes in the real world I should say “oh darling, are you not feeling good, let me see what I can do cor you” but there is a High chance if I was frustrated ans stressed I’d be shouting “are you shitting me, you’re sitting watching golf all day and still in your pyjamas”

People complaining he should be sympathetic to the op as it’s a one off, are failing to think she should in any way be sympathetic to what he’s going through and why he reacted as he did.

@spidermomma This is insane. You have two terminally ill children and this is how he treats you? I'd kill him in his slack-arsed sleep and chop up his bod for compost. Bugger the consequences. If you were in Australia I'd put you all up immediately. If you ARE in Australia, PM me. I have a spare room and I know a good lawyer.

OP, I hope you are having a better day today. But please, if DH's outbursts are a normal thing, it's time to make other arrangements.

What an idiot! The correct response from him should have been how cool you had a duvet day, how was it. Not the nasty ramblings of him. I'd seriously reconsider your relationship personally.

@Bluntness100 have you read the OP’s other posts? Her DH doesn’t like the way she looks, her friends. Always finding fault in the one thing she hasn’t done but ignoring the 9 things she has done.

@spidermomma

I wish I had the balls to do this... I have 3 kids all under 5, 2 are terminally ill. I have to do my chores or we get kicked out pretty much! So once they go to bed at 7/8 I clean my house from top to bottom my list is 3 bathrooms, dining room, kitchen, livingroom, toy room, & do washing this includes my skirt boards daily, that 10000 peeices of glass we have, the blinds, door frames, tbh my list is endless that I have to do daily! Currently he isn't in work so spends most of his day in bed. That's my nightly chores and I clean throughout the day to

I'm mentally fucking broke, I can't afford to leave as I have no savings and the kids need special things I can't just go my money pays the bills, his money is his. If you can do it and your so unhappy do it

Don't be in my shoes in years to come !

@spidermomma just wanted to say that you sound as if you are in an absolutely unbearable situation and I'm so sorry you are going through this. Just living within having two DC who are terminally ill must be heartbreaking. Do you have any support in RL?

@groovergirl I have never heard the expression sunshine stealer but i am now stealing it.
My DP would never ever care if he came home to a bomb site or me in pjs as long as DC is happy/fed/safe.
You need to talk to your partner about how you feel if this is the norm than things need to change no one be it man or women ever has the right to treat a partner badly! And working and being tired are not excuses for bad behaviour.