Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

Terrified about partner's weight

171 replies

Scared129 · 25/01/2021 02:44

Please hear me out as I know this will be triggering for a lot of people and this is really not my intention. I have name changed for this!

We have been together for over 10 years and now have a lovely 1 year old. He is my soul mate really, cheesy as that sounds. Very similar, have a really good laugh and are very happy.

He has always been a big guy, and I have no problem with that. But over the last couple of years, it's now got to a stage where I am up at night and I am genuinely worried he will die young due to his weight especially with covid still on going (We haven't had it yet to our knowledge).

He is classed as obese, and he could probably easily fit three of my waist in his. He has recently been diagnosed with sleep apnea and now has a machine. We are early 30s.

I just don't know what to do. I don't know what I can do? We have spoken hundreds of times about getting fit, and stopping eating bad, sorting ourselves out, etc. We joke about our weight a lot, and we poke eachother bellies, delete takeout apps, promise to eat healthy, etc. All in good fun. I always say 'we' so it's like a joint thing, but in reality I have a normal bmi. I have a few extra pounds I want to lose, but I want to support him as much as possible and don't ever want him to feel like I'm singling him out. Plus, doing things together is more supportive.

I'm just so scared. I have told him this before and he nods and agrees, and i know he needs help but I just don't know how. He goes through cycles when he goes super strict with his food, but he's got this stupid carnivore diet obsession and all he then eats is meat and the tiniest bit of veg and obviously this isn't sustainable and then he yoyos back and eats junk again. It's his portion sizes too, they're massive. He won't eat fruit. He rolls his eyes if I ever say about his diet as he thinks he's this diet guru, even though he just gains weight!

What can I do??? I don't want to be that partner who nags about weight!!!

OP posts:

shitinmyhandsandclap · 25/01/2021 14:25

@BonnieDundee

Live and let live and stop being so controlling. Everyone makes their own decisions and its laughable that people think you get a say in other peoples lives

You win the most stupid comment prize

mike3 · 25/01/2021 14:30

I am pretty much your DP.

One thing that helped was reading about BED online and realising that I wasn't alone.

I track calories and my weight daily; I realise that doesn't help everyone but it has helped me.

Good luck, he's lucky that you care.

lazylinguist · 25/01/2021 14:31

To say it's none of the OP's business or that she has no right to be concerned is stupid. He is her partner and parent of their child. His choices affect their family. It's amazing how people seem to be allowed to be concerned about pretty much every single thing about their partner except their weight. Unfortunately though, OP, only he can decide to tackle it.

Graciebobcat · 25/01/2021 14:35

I don't think you can take any responsibility for it, OP. Naturally you will be worried, but it's up to him.

Andrea87 · 25/01/2021 14:49

That must be hard for you OP.
I have been a yo-yo dieter for many years , the only way I seem to be able to loose weight is by joining a slimming club, paying them money and continue to go when I reach target. This sounds bananas I know as I know what to eat and do , but if I don’t pay I shall cheat, and I am cheating myself.
I have seen men going to slimming clubs too, but you may need to have a long chat with him and go too as support.
I know what it’s like to love the wrong kind of foods but it is possible to get there with the right help, but he will have to want to do this himself.

Emeraldshamrock · 25/01/2021 14:58

@umpteennamechanges Why not join overeating anonymous it is a trauma addiction for you.
I done drugs for all the same reasons alcoholics usually have a similar traumatised reason for addictions.
I joined NA many years ago.
I can't recommend the support of like minded people bring to recovery.
I don't know why OEN is not recommended by health professionals it is the first thing they suggest for drug/alcohol abuse.

BonnieDundee · 25/01/2021 15:13

What a stupid thing to say. Why would the op not be worried about a husband who is clearly at a high risk of an early death (sleep apnea at 30 is not a good sign).

She has not come here saying she hates the way he looks but that she is concerned for his health there is a major difference.

Its not stupid. The only way that he will lose weight is if HE wants to. No one else wanting it, however much, will

BonnieDundee · 25/01/2021 15:16

Live and let live and stop being so controlling. Everyone makes their own decisions and its laughable that people think you get a say in other peoples lives

Not funny though is it?

No. I totally agree that it is not funny that people want to control their partners and not allow them to make their own decisions

katnyps · 25/01/2021 15:18

It's his choice in many ways but you could perhaps challenge him on whether he's doing the carnivore diet "properly"? He should be in ketosis - you can get pee strips to prove this lol. I have known people do it successfully and maybe the benefits of being a lower weight offsets the limited diet issues? Brown rice would definitely not be possible - no carbs at all really. He may also do well with the 16 hour daily fast - which basically means no after dinner snacks and no breakfast (though he should have lots of fluids in the morning and some electrolytes too - you can make a homemade mix). On a keto diet fasting is really quite easy so he shouldn't struggle in the mornings. If this doesn't work then maybe get him to try a traditional diet but it sounds like keto may be the way he wants to go - and you could just support this so he gets the benefits he's looking for?

Babyroobs · 25/01/2021 15:19

I have just been to a hospital appointment this morning and was weighed for the first time in a few years and was shocked at how much weight I had put on. It has been a wake up call. The Nurse was ( I felt) pretty rude saying " time to go on a diet ". I ended up in tears, partly because I was terrified about the procedure I was about to have but also upset at her bluntness. But I was shocked and realized I need to take action. The point I'm making is that I think sometimes we just get into this cycle of eating without thinking and just don't always realise the extent that the pounds have piled on.

TinyTinaTriesAgain · 25/01/2021 15:22

@BonnieDundee

Live and let live and stop being so controlling. Everyone makes their own decisions and its laughable that people think you get a say in other peoples lives

Not funny though is it?

No. I totally agree that it is not funny that people want to control their partners and not allow them to make their own decisions

I think in RL people would use the word 'help' rather than 'control' Don't you @BonnieDundee?

It's rather funny that posters think a wife worrying about her Dh's weight, which will almost certainly end in his ill health and early death (if it carries on) is not her concern.

If he was drinking, smoking, taking drugs, would that be 'controlling' to try to help him?

In a partnership, surely you each want the best for the other person.

Trying to help them become healthier is not about controlling them, it's really just supporting and encouraging.

BonnieDundee · 25/01/2021 15:26

Its control to dictate to your partner what weight they should be. Isnt it the language of controlling partners to insist "I'm only trying to help you". She is absolutely entitled to be worried but not to try and change him. Its also futile. She can't make him lose weight that decision has to come from him

pointyshoes · 25/01/2021 15:28

If you do most of the food shopping, try to avoid buying the “bad” stuff. If it’s not in the house he can’t eat it. Obviously he can still go and get the wrong stuff himself but that needs more effort. I find It really takes huge amounts of self control not to eat biscuits, cake etc if I know they are there. The only way I can not eat biscuits is to not have them in the house. If I know they’re there I’ll eat them, even when I’m not hungry. And I ‘ll eat the whole packet, not just a couple. But I wouldn’t go and buy any because I ‘m not actually hungry.
That will be one small step on the way to a better, healthier diet

TheSunIsStillShining · 25/01/2021 15:29

My H reached peak 100 kg 2 years ago. he is 170cm tall/short, so he did look "bulky".
He had fish and salad 4 times a week. Half a portion of sides - always made just enough so he would have had to take it from me or his son and he'd never do that.
Didn't buy snacks for him. Only bought snack that son liked but he didn't.
We did/do always have very dark/specialist chocolates in the house, but that is too bitter to eat too much.
He lost about 15 kg in 6 months and rarely complained. When he did it was mostly about the rabbit food part :)

Padamae · 25/01/2021 15:34

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

BuntysTwinkle · 25/01/2021 15:35

Imagine how this thread would go if a man were complaining about his wife's weight?

I read the opening post, and thought surely none of the IFTHESEXESWEREREVERSED lot could have a problem with this, but here you are...

Scared is literally worried that her DH will die. She even enters into some bizarre pretense that they are both fat so as not to hurt his feelings, and still, here you are...

Jobsharenightmare · 25/01/2021 15:35

OP what about therapy? Does he want to break this cycle of using food as his emotional crutch?

BuntysTwinkle · 25/01/2021 15:37

I think some people are taking this too personally. It's normal for your loved ones to care about you and not want you to die, whatever your own feelings on it.

BonnieDundee · 25/01/2021 15:40

Scaredis literally worried that her DH will die. She even enters into some bizarre pretense that they are both fat so as not to hurt his feelings, and still, here you are...

We're all going to die of something.

And if its.purely about health why are there not numerous threads proclaiming that posters are worried about a relativewho does extreme sports , and my personal favourite, I never ever read about anyone being "concerned" for.relatives.who spend all their holidays soaking up the sun (skin cancer anyone?)

Is it hell concern about health. Most people dont like fat people because of how.they look

umpteennamechanges · 25/01/2021 15:45

[quote Emeraldshamrock]@umpteennamechanges Why not join overeating anonymous it is a trauma addiction for you.
I done drugs for all the same reasons alcoholics usually have a similar traumatised reason for addictions.
I joined NA many years ago.
I can't recommend the support of like minded people bring to recovery.
I don't know why OEN is not recommended by health professionals it is the first thing they suggest for drug/alcohol abuse.[/quote]

I've tried Overeaters Anonymous and it just didn't do anything for me at all...

Flittingaboutagain · 25/01/2021 15:46

A lot of people are feeling bad about themselves at the moment and will take it out on you OP. I'd want my OH asking how to support me if I was in your DH shoes. He clearly needs help if he's got himself into this state he is mid 30s and cannot breathe at night. He might not do anything though and sadly it is beyond your control ultimately.

BonnieDundee Not on MN, but if you are on a cancer forum there are loads of people worried about relatives getting skin cancer etc. Most people don't go on sunny holidays too much because of unresolved childhood tragedy though do they.

TheMamaYo · 25/01/2021 15:47

Depending on how serious he is about weight loss.. to me, it is the single most important thing at the moment.

There simply isn't a one size fits all approach for weight loss. Your husband probably won't do much around it whilst he is still feeling comfortable around it/ joking and laughing it off. Please keep trying to find the thing that'll work. The longer it takes, the more difficult (and in my case, expensive!) it is to sort out. But he really must want to do it.

When I lose weight, I have more energy for my business, to make more money. When I lose weight, I'm around for longer being mum to my children, and more fun, being able to do things I don't have the energy for when super sized. When I lose weight, my stress levels come down, as it is something that worried me to no end. And I am more confident, enjoy life more, etc.

I have tried many different diets/ apps/ methods/ accountability. It didn't work, my habits and issues were far too deep to pull myself out of it. I have decided instead to invest a shed load of money on one to one support. It works. It is making a huge difference already.

You need to tell him, in the most loving and supportive way you can, how this is impacting you. I wish you so much luck.

randomer · 25/01/2021 15:48

If slimming clubs worked long term, everybody would be slim.

BonnieDundee · 25/01/2021 15:50

Not on MN, but if you are on a cancer forum there are loads of people worried about relatives getting skin cancer etc. Most people don't go on sunny holidays too much because of unresolved childhood tragedy though do they.

My point stands. You never see posters on here worrying about that "unhealthy" behaviour. So it's not about the health. It's about not liking people being fat. Which is fair enough. But own it. Dont dress it up as faux health concern.

CaramelWaferAndTea · 25/01/2021 15:52

He has a serious medical condition which puts him at increased risk of death.

Are you able to do any of his appointments on video call at the moment? If so, ask him if it's OK to join, and to ask the healthcare professionals some questions about his weight.

Then ask all the questions you want to ask. I would be surprised if there wasn't an offer of support for weight loss.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Swipe left for the next trending thread