Terrified about partner's weight

[Scared129]

Please hear me out as I know this will be triggering for a lot of people and this is really not my intention. I have name changed for this!

We have been together for over 10 years and now have a lovely 1 year old. He is my soul mate really, cheesy as that sounds. Very similar, have a really good laugh and are very happy.

He has always been a big guy, and I have no problem with that. But over the last couple of years, it's now got to a stage where I am up at night and I am genuinely worried he will die young due to his weight especially with covid still on going (We haven't had it yet to our knowledge).

He is classed as obese, and he could probably easily fit three of my waist in his. He has recently been diagnosed with sleep apnea and now has a machine. We are early 30s.

I just don't know what to do. I don't know what I can do? We have spoken hundreds of times about getting fit, and stopping eating bad, sorting ourselves out, etc. We joke about our weight a lot, and we poke eachother bellies, delete takeout apps, promise to eat healthy, etc. All in good fun. I always say 'we' so it's like a joint thing, but in reality I have a normal bmi. I have a few extra pounds I want to lose, but I want to support him as much as possible and don't ever want him to feel like I'm singling him out. Plus, doing things together is more supportive.

I'm just so scared. I have told him this before and he nods and agrees, and i know he needs help but I just don't know how. He goes through cycles when he goes super strict with his food, but he's got this stupid carnivore diet obsession and all he then eats is meat and the tiniest bit of veg and obviously this isn't sustainable and then he yoyos back and eats junk again. It's his portion sizes too, they're massive. He won't eat fruit. He rolls his eyes if I ever say about his diet as he thinks he's this diet guru, even though he just gains weight!

What can I do??? I don't want to be that partner who nags about weight!!!

[JesusAteMyHamster]

He needs his own wake up call. Nagging probably won't do much, he needs to see it for himself.

I'm very overweight, I've become lazier and lazier. I've cared less about my food choices and treated myself far too much.

A few months ago I ended up in hospital. The lady in the bed opposite was morbidly obese. Probably as big as me. Everything was made worse by her weight, her mobility and the level of personal care she needed was greatly enhanced because she physically couldn't do it. She'd been in hospital for 9 months whilst they tried to save her foot that had rotted from the inside. This was caused by diabetes. All of her problems were caused by her weight. Even the fact she couldn't take herself off in a wheelchair to go for a wander around the hospital to break the boredom like a lot of other patients do. Her day revolved around food and the treats her family had sent her. She was a lovely lady but it was so sad to see.

It gave me a wake up call like no other. Nothing else had worked, from not being able to sit in tub chairs to breaking beds and avoiding theme park rides with the kids. To the constant chaffed skin and dreading summer because it was so hard to walk.

I've now lost 4 stone and it's coming off weekly. Spending a week with my future opposite me and bed bound because of lifestyle choices was the only thing that worked for me.

[Landofthefree]

@Scared129 I would tell your DP that you want him to get life insurance and critical health cover if he isn’t prepared to lose weight. You can’t force him to slim down, but you can make sure that you and your child will be ok in the future.

[PontefractFake]

@independentfriend

You learn where you end and he begins. His weight isn't your concern. It's possibly his. Boundaries. What other people eat is up to them.

Find yourself a counsellor/therapist to explore why somebody else's lawful decisions about their body are keeping you awake at night. That's your problem and the one that you can actually do something about.

Then do some exploration of the science - there's no evidence for how to turn fat people into slim people on a sustainable basis. In about 95% cases, intentional weight loss attempts fail in the medium to long term and very often people gain more weight than they lose.

How isn't his weight her concern, when it could effect the upbringing of their child? If he was my partner, I would be on at him constantly. Correct - what he eats IS up to him, but when it jeopardises the environment in which a child is brought up in (coming from someone who was raised by a single parent and whose dad died at a very young age), it IS her concern. Loss of a parent, no matter what the cause, can severely mess with a child's mind, not to mention how devastated OP would be if it were to happen. She has spoke of how deeply she loves him, and it shows in how much she truly is concerned for him. I do get that he is his own entity and can do what he damn well pleases, but when you've got kids, you need to think of their wellbeing too. That's like saying OP shouldn't be concerned if it were the case that her partner was a heroin addict, or a raging alcoholic. Sure, he might not be causing them physical harm through being inebriated, but the mental load this must have on OP (and potential damage to their child) must be immense.
I would hate to have to worry about the possibility of waking up with them dead next to me in bed because they couldn't breathe, or dropping down dead while looking after our child. All OP can do is try and encourage him in a way that works for him. One size does not fit all in regards to methods and techniques for jump starting weight loss, but there is a path for everyone if they look for it.

[lookout198991]

I agree with the PPs who say he needs counselling. There’s clearly more going on that him just being lazy/greedy - this is some form of eating disorder and should be treated as one. Which starts with the mind - he needs a therapist specialised in treating eating disorders.

I would suggest an honest conversation with him in which you (gently and without judgment) explain your fears and how much this is affecting you and what you’d like him to do about it. And then if he isn’t willing to make a change then you need to consider if this is something you are able find a way to live with. I don’t think anyone would judge you for deciding it is not.

[fatandnearly50]

@umpteennamechanges @IHateCoronavirus have it spot on.

I am exactly like your DH. I know exactly what I should be doing/eating/exercising etc. I have been everywhere from size 12 to 22 as an adult, lost 4.5 stone a few times. I am back to a size 22 now. I can control everything else in my life but my weight, no. The problems are so deeply rooted that it's so difficult to address properly and I haven't yet managed it. I am embarrassed and ashamed of my situation.

OP, I can see you are coming from a good place. I have no answers for you unfortunately, but I wish you and your DH well in trying to address this. It is so important that you are supportive of him and not judgemental. Those of us in this situation find it a real struggle.

[Bluntness100]

It seems you’re enabling him, you’re the one buying him the problem food. So yes, you do need to stop it. It’s one thing to be concerned. It’s another to be concerned and also the enabler.

[Emeraldshamrock]

well said! According to certain people, it's calories in/calories out Excluding emotions it is really is. The reasons behind obesity obviously go much deeper but as far as gaining weight goes it is calories in/out for the majority bar those with medical issues.
Find yourself a counsellor/therapist to explore why somebody else's lawful decisions about their body are keeping you awake at night. That's your problem and the one that you can actually do something about
It is her husband her childrens father would you sit quietly if your other half was starving to death from anorexia.

[Notimeforaname]

I’m a dad who was obese. I lost about 6 stone over the past 18 months. I’m at the top tip of “healthy” BMI now. Other metrics have me as healthy

Hate to say it, but motivation comes from within. Either he decides to address it or he doesn’t. I don’t think anyone could have gotten me to change

This was exactly my point. Ive had hundreds if not thousands of obese people work with me on fitness and weight loss.
From those,I would say only 20 % were there for themselves,by themselves.
And they went on to do amazingly.

About 80% were sent by their doctors or families or social workers, these were the people who's hearts were not in it. They didn't care. They hardly moved during the sessions,took no notice to the diet or exercise at home ..and when they would gain weight would roll their eyes at me ,their families,their doctors and moan how it 'wasn't fuckin worth it' and it ''doesnt work''.

[umpteennamechanges]

[quote BadBear]@umpteennamechanges - well said! According to certain people, it's calories in/calories out... And protein and berries fix everything, right?! [/quote]


This.

Morbid obesity is a totally different beast.

We know we need to lose weight. We understand all of the health impacts. We absolutely understand all of the diet/lifestyle change advice, probably more than most non-morbidly obese people put together.

It's like saying to an alcoholic "Well, just drink water" or "I cut down my drinking by alternating an alcoholic drink with a Diet Coke".

I mean, sure. But that's not going to help an alcoholic.

And it's not about 'willpower' or 'motivation' or someone that 'can't be arsed'.

We are using food to self-medicate for traumatic experiences.

All addictions are about self-medication for trauma and the associated mental health issues.

I would go as far as saying if there were no childhood trauma there would be no addictions to food or anything else.

I'm on an absolute mission to crack this psychological bit during this lockdown (I have a lot of tools and resources from various trainings) and hopefully I will be successful and can share my experiences.

[randomer]

This person in mentally unwell and the outside is a reflection of the inside.

It is not down to you to be making healthy shakes or whatever.

He needs an appointment with a clued up GP and a plan and the desire to change.
You would be well advised to suggest. a private therapist

[ktp100]

Limiting the snacks to nicely cut up carrots and cucumber?

A carrot would have to be carved into the fecking Taj Mahal & still drowned in humous to tempt me

[BonnieDundee]

Live and let live and stop being so controlling. Everyone makes their own decisions and its laughable that people think you get a say in other peoples lives

[Backbee]

You learn where you end and he begins. His weight isn't your concern. It's possibly his. Boundaries. What other people eat is up to them.

But it does affect the family. If you love someone, why is it more acceptable to just watch them destroy their health, rather than look for ways to support the root cause? That's sad if you would rather watch someone pile on weight, likely acquire more health conditions, than try and help?

[Notimeforaname]

Backbee
I agree with you.it is very sad. But much like enabling doesn't work...neither does forcing a loved one to do it. Almost everyone who is pushed to do it.. fails. In my experience. It has to come from them.

[Emeraldshamrock]

What about a support group overeaters anonymous they help with the emotional attachment there is safety in numbers he will be assigned a sponsor it'll take the pressure off you.

[TangoWhiskyAlphaTango]

@BonnieDundee

I dont think its healthy that you are up at night terrified that he is going to die. It's his body, leave him alone

What a stupid thing to say. Why would the op not be worried about a husband who is clearly at a high risk of an early death (sleep apnea at 30 is not a good sign).

She has not come here saying she hates the way he looks but that she is concerned for his health there is a major difference.

[lazylinguist]

well said! According to certain people, it's calories in/calories out Excluding emotions it is really is. The reasons behind obesity obviously go much deeper but as far as gaining weight goes it is calories in/out for the majority bar those with medical issues.

It's not only about calories and emotions though, because different foods with the exact same calorie count can have very different effects on your blood sugar and appetite (as well as on various aspects of your general health which may make you more or less effective at sticking to a healthy diet). 200 calories of Skittles isn't just unhealthier than 200 calories of chicken salad, it's also going to have a big effect on how hungry you are later.

[BlueGreenDreams]

We, I am speaking to the women mostly, love our partners and get scared that something is going to happen to them. This often makes us feel like it is up to us to prevent this. Threads like this come up often and are full of posters saying do this, that or the other. Our partners body is not our body nor does their life belong to us. Many of us try to exert control over them as if we have the right. We don't. Our partners are entitled to the same bodily autonomy that we expect for ourselves. It is painful to watch someone we love putting themselves at risk but all you can really do is wait for that loved one to reach their own epiphany and decide to change.

Love and fear turns us into control freaks and if we are not very careful we will make the situation worse and that loved one's life a misery.

I know many will not like nor agree with my opinion and am not asking them to.

[Emmelina]

Needing a machine for sleep apnoea should have been his wake up call. He needs to take this seriously- is a doctor able to refer to a dietician?

[TangoWhiskyAlphaTango]

@BonnieDundee

Live and let live and stop being so controlling. Everyone makes their own decisions and its laughable that people think you get a say in other peoples lives

Not funny though is it?

[Earslaps]

Sleep apnoea isn't always caused by weight- I know a very healthy and fit 38yo who was diagnosed and now has a CPAP machine. My DS (has always been very slight) had his tonsils out at 4 as he had sleep apnoea due to oversized tonsils.

We have just realised that DH most likely has sleep apnoea, he is putting off going to the Doctor as he knows they will nag him about his weight, but equally I suspect his weight is partially due to the sleep apnoea. He has always snored, I've just never been awake to hear the choking/snorting sounds- it wasn't until he got a new Apple Watch and we saw his oxygen levels get very low overnight that we set up a recorder to hear what he sounds like when he sleeps. As mentioned, our DS had his tonsils out for sleep apnoea, also his dad (very slim) is a terrible snorer and always dropping off in the day, as was his grandad.

I do try to help DH to eat healthier as I'm really worried about his weight (all carried around the middle too), but I can't make him. It's a worry, but until he's ready to make the change I can only support any changes he does chose to make.

[Allthenumbers]

I would recommend the book Feel Great Lose Weight by Dr Rangan Chatterjee. It is not a diet book but it looks at all areas of food eg why we eat. Which sounds like it will be very relevant. It’s a really really great book!

[starsparkle08]

Would he consider weight loss surgery . I’ve had it ( gastric sleeve ) and went from 15st 7 to 8st 4 lbs . I’m only 5ft 2 so was very obese

[Whydidimarryhim]

Would he be interested in looking at overeaters anonymous- he is probably an emotional eater and it can look at the triggers for this.
Good luck.

[TheABC]

I agree with the posters upthread that you need a combined approach.

1. Find a therapist that can address the root causes of his food addiction.
   
   
2. Find a dietician who will draw up an easy-to-follow meal plan.
   
   To avoid the yo-yo effect, he will need professional help and education (especially if he thinks he knows everything about food!).
   
   Myself and DH have put on lockdown weight. I signed up to RH Fitness for support and started logging everything with My Fitness Pal. This included weighing food to get the right portion size. It's been an eye-opener. I have halved the amount on my plate, cut out evening snacks, and doubled the amount of water I drink. Much of my over-eating was due to dehydration!
   
   Bad habits are so easy to start and tough to spot.