Terrified about partner's weight

[Scared129]

Please hear me out as I know this will be triggering for a lot of people and this is really not my intention. I have name changed for this!

We have been together for over 10 years and now have a lovely 1 year old. He is my soul mate really, cheesy as that sounds. Very similar, have a really good laugh and are very happy.

He has always been a big guy, and I have no problem with that. But over the last couple of years, it's now got to a stage where I am up at night and I am genuinely worried he will die young due to his weight especially with covid still on going (We haven't had it yet to our knowledge).

He is classed as obese, and he could probably easily fit three of my waist in his. He has recently been diagnosed with sleep apnea and now has a machine. We are early 30s.

I just don't know what to do. I don't know what I can do? We have spoken hundreds of times about getting fit, and stopping eating bad, sorting ourselves out, etc. We joke about our weight a lot, and we poke eachother bellies, delete takeout apps, promise to eat healthy, etc. All in good fun. I always say 'we' so it's like a joint thing, but in reality I have a normal bmi. I have a few extra pounds I want to lose, but I want to support him as much as possible and don't ever want him to feel like I'm singling him out. Plus, doing things together is more supportive.

I'm just so scared. I have told him this before and he nods and agrees, and i know he needs help but I just don't know how. He goes through cycles when he goes super strict with his food, but he's got this stupid carnivore diet obsession and all he then eats is meat and the tiniest bit of veg and obviously this isn't sustainable and then he yoyos back and eats junk again. It's his portion sizes too, they're massive. He won't eat fruit. He rolls his eyes if I ever say about his diet as he thinks he's this diet guru, even though he just gains weight!

What can I do??? I don't want to be that partner who nags about weight!!!

[Yohoheaveho]

He is using food to compensate himself for the awful things that have happened to him in his life, whilst this is understandable it is also a form of slow suicide
Is he willing and able to find other ways of dealing with things that have happened to him?

[Poppingnostopping]

The good thing here is that your partner likes protein! So that's something to work on, it's now about changing the method (so not frying, or grilling, get a great grill!) and adding a portion of carbs like brown rice if he's a big chap and I wouldn't worry about the veggies if that's not his thing.

The problem with all this is you aren't cooking for the family, he is, and he's choosing the methods, the portions, and then snacking/falling back on junk. I think you need to go back to basics with your meals- I divide mine into protein, carbs (healthy, low release energy ones better but any carb fine in moderation IMO esp if it's a 'treat' like white bread, you don't want to crave this), and vegetables/salad. Try to get him to see that's what you'd like to eat too and start eating as a family all eating the basic protein/carbs/veggies. Otherwise if you cook for yourself/child you are eating healthy alongside his terrible diet/cooking and he's not really learning better methods.

I guess it does have to be up to him to some extent and it is very very frustrating.

[andyoldlabour]

OP, I have sleep apnoea and the weight gain was caused by it not being diagnosed quick enough (at least five years). It destroys you, absolutely drains you of all energy. Then when you start using the CPAP machine it takes time to get used to it and the weight doesn't shift quickly. I went from being a very fit person of 70 kilos, up to a depressed, tired individual of 110 kilos. I have lost around 18 kilos over the past couple of years, but only eat two meals a day.
I agree his diet needs to change, but he also needs to exercise, not running just yet because he may damage his knees or put too much strain on his heart. Walking a few miles, gradually brisk walking.
The carnivore diet is worrying because with a high BMI you are more likely to carry fat around the internal organs, and lots of meat means more harmful cholesterol.
Good luck.

[BadBear]

Hi Op! I think the best reply so far has come from @IHateCoronavirus.

No matter what you do or how many meal plans you put together, he needs to be in a good place mentally to do it. I used to struggle with bulimia and overeating when I was younger. I have tried every single tip/diet/approach. The only thing that got me to the other side was addressing the issues behind it and being in a good place about myself. I can still struggle with it mentally but the psychological mechanisms I built are the only thing that keeps me from sliding back into it.

And please for the love of God, don't try to stick him on a fad diet created by someone like Dr Mosley (who is in fact a psychiatrist hence the title), especially if he needs to address specific health problems.

[PaddyF0dder]

I’m a dad who was obese. I lost about 6 stone over the past 18 months. I’m at the top tip of “healthy” BMI now. Other metrics have me as healthy.

Hate to say it, but motivation comes from within. Either he decides to address it or he doesn’t. I don’t think anyone could have gotten me to change.

[Emeraldshamrock]

Eating and emotions are intertwined again watching SS vs SS both parties have emotional issues wrapped up in their diet.
binge watching it during lockdown Christian is tasty

[umpteennamechanges]

@Porridgeoat

Boomer get an app and make walking your hobby.

Walk alone or arrange to walk with a specific person on different days. For example your mum could walk 10000 steps with you each Monday.

You many need to start at 4000 steps, go up to 10000 slowly and then look to surpass this and walk 15000 steps daily.

Make the telly a reward for achieving your goal.

Change your food reward. Melon? Berries? Protein?

Drink water.

I think this really misunderstands the issue (though I realise you mean well).

Obesity isn't stupidity.

I'm a size 22 and probably know more about nutrition, various 'diets' (everything from WW, SW, Keto, intermittent fasting, blood sugar diet, Mediterranean diet and more) than the average person. I've done them all.

I understand apps like MFP, Fitbits, etc and have used them extensively.

I understand nutrition, calories, calorie density, macros and micros.

I've tried every type of exercise.

I understand and have tried all of the advice: go cold turkey, make small changes, have a glass of water before dinner, change plate sizes, etc, etc.

I would venture to say that there's very little I don't know and haven't tried.

Serious obesity is a different creature. It's psychological, not lack of knowledge or willpower.

I have tonnes of willpower. I've given up alcohol and meat without a hitch.

This level of obesity is addiction. It's the same as the difference between someone who wants to 'cut down their drinking a little' and an alcoholic.

[Redrunbluerun]

Well done on losing 6 stone, that’s incredible @PaddyF0dder
My DH is now on a diet, I just had to wait for him to come to that conclusion himself. I suggested things, encouraged and tired... but it’ll as others have said he needs to come to the realisation himself. Just be there for him, listen, and try and support him.
Sorry op, my DH wasn’t huge, but his bmi too high and I worried. It’s hard.

[BadBear]

@umpteennamechanges - well said! According to certain people, it's calories in/calories out... And protein and berries fix everything, right?!

[umpteennamechanges]

Following on from that I don't have any advice really.

I've lost six stone twice, only to put it back on again.

I've been everything from a size 8 to a size 22 (now). Even when I was a size 8-10 I had disordered eating. I don't think I've ever had a day since I was a child that I haven't had disordered eating from starving myself, bulimia, binge eating.

I've had tonnes of therapy to crack the underlying issues. I am still an addict.

[Notimeforaname]

I work in sports and nutrition.
I'm my experience about 80% of very obese people need somthing very shocking to make them really commit to losing the weight.
Eg, a death in the family,
a new diagnosis of sleep apena or other weight related issues
And the very real fear of disease and death.

I know a lot of people disagree with shows like supersize V superskinny and My 600lb life.....but this is the reality and many over weight people need to have the fear put into then to really change. Old habits die hard.

I've seen many people laugh off the warnings only to end up ina wheelchair or dead not long later.
Please dont be embarrassed to bring it up with him..

[C8H10N4O2]

He goes through cycles when he goes super strict with his food, but he's got this stupid carnivore diet obsession and all he then eats is meat and the tiniest bit of veg and obviously this isn't sustainable and then he yoyos back and eats junk again

You have just described a pattern of behaviour any any yoyo dieter will recognise. Has he found a dietition/therapist to help with the pattern? He won't keep weight off so long as he is fad dieting then "cheating" and from observation its an area where therapists have more success than best selling diet books.

I would echo andyoldlabour's comments on apnoea. DH has never been overweight but the closest he got was when suffering from undiagnosed apnoea. He still needed to break out of some bad and lethargic habits acquired from the time of perpetual exhaustion.

[Yohoheaveho]

He is going through binging and purging cycles, depriving himself and then indulging himself to compensate for the deprivation
All this does is exacerbate the problem
Boring regular healthy food, boring regular healthy exercise
That is the cure, but he wants to indulge himself and not face the truth

[FatCatThinCat]

How's he getting on with the CPAP machine? Is he using it every night? Has it had a effect on his appetite?

I ask because most people know that being overweight can cause sleep apnea but don't know that sleep apnea can also be the cause of the weight problem. It's drives you towards high energy foods because you're not getting energy from sleep. I didn't know this until after I was diagnosed at which point the weight started falling off me.

[RatherBeRiding]

Unfortunately there is nothing you can do to make him want to lose the weight - the desire and the willpower to do so can only come from the person with the weight to lose.

You can nag, plead, offer support till you're blue in the face. Until HE gets that lightbulb moment and wants to lose weight more than he wants to carry on the way he is, you are wasting your breath and your time.

Sorry if that comes across as harsh but my ex was like this - he had serious food issues and became very overweight. He would say all the right things about eating better and losing the weight, but nothing ever came of it. Whatever I bought and cooked - he would eat crap at work and out of the house.

[Notimeforaname]

Thats not to say there aren't people out there with drive who commit and just go for it,because there are!
It's just not very common among the morbidly obese and obese categories.

[independentfriend]

You learn where you end and he begins. His weight isn't your concern. It's possibly his. Boundaries. What other people eat is up to them.

Find yourself a counsellor/therapist to explore why somebody else's lawful decisions about their body are keeping you awake at night. That's your problem and the one that you can actually do something about.

Then do some exploration of the science - there's no evidence for how to turn fat people into slim people on a sustainable basis. In about 95% cases, intentional weight loss attempts fail in the medium to long term and very often people gain more weight than they lose.

[BubblyBarbara]

I was only a little overweight hadn’t realised but had a routine medical and my bmi was 27. Always had been slim and ate what I wanted but this jolted me

A BMI of 27 is a little overweight. It's less than half way through the "overweight" 25-30 segment. Pretty good going if you ate what you wanted without any dieting involved.

[HyacynthBucket]

You could approach it from the angle that he will soon be pre-diabetic and you are really, really worried for his health, and tell him he has GOT to do something because you cannot bear to lose him,or for him to get diabetes. He will have to want to do it himself though. The TV doctor Michael Moseley is really good on this, with a low carb regime. You don't have to do the fasting bit to benefit from it. My DP did just low carb, starting nearly two years ago, and it was surprisingly easy, and especially effective if eat fresh foods, particularly vegetables with it. No calorie counting, just normal portion sizes.. After only two or three months he felt completely different, and lost the extra weight (though was just over healthy BMI when started). I did it too to keep him company, though was not really overweight. But I lost some and we both felt fantastic on it. The really good news is that it seems to "reset" your body and its relationship with carbs, so that when you start eating them again, they don't pile on the weight as before if you keep to reasonable size portions. I can't recommend it enough. DP no l;onger has pre-diabetes sugar levels, and is completely healthy. Good luck OP, andgood health to you both.

[Notimeforaname]

And also op....stop trying to convince him so that you can start your weight loss???

You just need to do it.
You are not his mother.

But you cant complain about him not being serious...if you're waiting for him so you can start.

You start eating healthily,let him fry everything in oil.

Perhaps you eating well will be the push he needs. Aside from that,you can only look after yourself.

[Juno231]

What no one seems to be mentioning is that your OHs relationship to food seems to be due to childhood trauma. So rather than addressing symptoms through not getting him that extra treat at the supermarket, I think you should suggest treating the root cause and ask if he'd be willing to see a therapist? Otherwise he'll keep falling off the wagon if he's got such a strong emotional attachment to it.

[TinyTinaTriesAgain]

You've had some great advice.

All I can add is that you are giving him mixed messages.

Food like huge puddings and sweets etc are not 'treats' and more than giving someone drugs or alcohol are if they are addicted.

You are literally feeding his bad habits.

The 10K steps a day is not necessary. That figure was plucked out of the air by the people who made the step counters. Walking fast for an hour a day is fine and enough. Not many people are able to walk 5 miles (10K) straight off anyway if they are unfit.

But you can support him by going walking, or doing some kind of exercise at home (online classes) or encouraging him to take up exercise.

[umpteennamechanges]

• I know his eating definitely started in childhood and I know it was a coping mechanism as he went through a family tragedy at a young age. His mother wasnt the best at showing emotions and he was largely left to his own devices, especially with food.
  
  He knows he turns to food for the feel good, for the serotonin boost.*
  
  This is the key. It's great that you're so supportive and have understood this.
  
  Most of us that are very obese have had trauma in our childhoods (Google the link between adverse childhood experiences and obesity).
  
  The times I lost weight both started in the same way:
  
  

• Instead of thinking about restricting foods I liked I turned this on its head and made a list of reasonably healthy food I actually enjoy (melon, berries, bananas, shepherds pie with sweet potato topping, etc)

• I focused on introducing MORE of these foods rather than taking anything away

• I focused on making a small change each week. So first week was looking at breakfast and how I could replace what I was eating with something I enjoyed that was healthier. The next week might be making a switch for my afternoon snack. The next week might be going for a walk once a week on a certain day for 30 mins. Each week was a small change so it didn't feel overwhelming, stressful or restrictive which would only push me back to food.

Fundamentally he needs to want to change (like any addict) but if he does want to change perhaps copy and paste some of the messages from those of us who actually know about this kind of situation (well meaning posts from people who haven't been morbidly obese won't be helpful).

[TinyTinaTriesAgain]

I'd suggest you also buy a blood pressure kit (£20ish) and a glucose testing kit.

He may already be diabetic or pre-diabetic.

Millions of people are and don't know.

[Notimeforaname]

You've had some great advice

All I can add is that you are giving him mixed messages

Food like huge puddings and sweets etc are not 'treats' and more than giving someone drugs or alcohol are if they are addicted

You are literally feeding his bad habits

The 10K steps a day is not necessary. That figure was plucked out of the air by the people who made the step counters. Walking fast for an hour a day is fine and enough. Not many people are able to walk 5 miles (10K) straight off anyway if they are unfit

But you can support him by going walking, or doing some kind of exercise at home (online classes) or encouraging him to take up exercise.

This with bells on!! I'm a fitness professional, you are both a problem here. It's not just your partner. You are enabling and codependent on him losing weight and going on a diet woth you. it's not healthy at all..