Terrified about partner's weight

[Scared129]

Please hear me out as I know this will be triggering for a lot of people and this is really not my intention. I have name changed for this!

We have been together for over 10 years and now have a lovely 1 year old. He is my soul mate really, cheesy as that sounds. Very similar, have a really good laugh and are very happy.

He has always been a big guy, and I have no problem with that. But over the last couple of years, it's now got to a stage where I am up at night and I am genuinely worried he will die young due to his weight especially with covid still on going (We haven't had it yet to our knowledge).

He is classed as obese, and he could probably easily fit three of my waist in his. He has recently been diagnosed with sleep apnea and now has a machine. We are early 30s.

I just don't know what to do. I don't know what I can do? We have spoken hundreds of times about getting fit, and stopping eating bad, sorting ourselves out, etc. We joke about our weight a lot, and we poke eachother bellies, delete takeout apps, promise to eat healthy, etc. All in good fun. I always say 'we' so it's like a joint thing, but in reality I have a normal bmi. I have a few extra pounds I want to lose, but I want to support him as much as possible and don't ever want him to feel like I'm singling him out. Plus, doing things together is more supportive.

I'm just so scared. I have told him this before and he nods and agrees, and i know he needs help but I just don't know how. He goes through cycles when he goes super strict with his food, but he's got this stupid carnivore diet obsession and all he then eats is meat and the tiniest bit of veg and obviously this isn't sustainable and then he yoyos back and eats junk again. It's his portion sizes too, they're massive. He won't eat fruit. He rolls his eyes if I ever say about his diet as he thinks he's this diet guru, even though he just gains weight!

What can I do??? I don't want to be that partner who nags about weight!!!

[Frazzled50yrold]

I was in your situation once and my partner developed sleep apnea, type 2 diabetes, angina, heart problems, almost died with sepsis after fairy minor surgery as his body couldn't seem to cope with recovering from surgery. In his fifties he needs two knee joint replacements and I'd imagine this will be followed by hip replacements.He had bariatric surgery about 12 years ago but this was also followed by major infection, the skin tuck surgery following this also resulted in infection.
It's a really slippery slope and your husband needs to take action asap although this is all really difficult. No one's body can cope long term with the strain of obesity.

[SmallWreckingBall]

Hi Scared, I am so sorry to hear you are worried, you obviously care deeply and want to help - this is a really tough position to be in. Similar to one of the other posters, I am on the opposite side of this situation, having struggled with my weight my whole life, despite being active and eating a conventionally healthy diet. There is a history of diabetes/metabolic syndrome/PCOS in my family, so I am sure there is a genetic susceptibility at play in my case, as well as a very unhealthy psychological relationship with food fueled by sugar addiction. I have done so much research and tried so many different approaches to weight loss and all have failed long term....apart from one - the carnivore diet. It is a radical departure from conventional dietary wisdom, and certainly is not for everybody. However, I found it works for me for these reasons:

• I am never hungry so I don't feel like I have to rely on willpower to stick to it
  
• It has cured my carb/sugar cravings by reducing my intake to almost zero (which is sadly necessary for a sugar addict such as myself)
  
• Because a meal is so satiating I only eat once or twice a day, so I am getting the benefits of intermittent fasting
  
• It is extremely easy to plan and cook for - no agonising over shopping and needing to have my head in the game at every meal.
  
• There is little to no focus on portion control and macros, the guidance is eat still satiated then stop. This leads to intuitive eating based on your body's hunger signals for most people.
  
• I feel energetic, sleep better and no longer experience joint and back pain
  
• The focus of the diet is not weight loss, but better health, especially in the realm of metabolic diseases and chronic autoimmune conditions.
  
  If the carnivore diet is something he leans towards, perhaps research this and support him with this? I was worried about the long term effects of this diet so I did an extensive blood panel with MediChecks to monitor all my markers and I have only seen improvement. I suggest if he wants to go carnivore that he do the same to alleviate some of the concerns you may have about this way of eating.
  
  I have lost 44 pounds in 6 months doing carnivore and have no trouble in maintaining this loss. When I reach my goal weight (another 15 pounds to go), I will look to add in a few of the healthier low-carb veggies and berries just for variety.
  
  There are seismic shifts happening in the medical community about which diet is optimal for human health - a lot of the things we have grown up believing are being proven to be incorrect, but it will take a long time for things to change in terms of the advice we are given. A lot of our current food guidance is based on flawed science and political agendas, so it is a minefield out there trying to get accurate information. One thing that also helped me a lot was joining a Carnivore Women's FaceBook group - it was very supportive and informative and helps to keep the focus (although, as with all things social media, keep your critical thinking hat on at all times).
  
  Also, I bought one of those smart scales from Amazon that monitors your progress and measures all sort of biometrics - studies do show that those who weigh regularly tend to be more successful, though this is by no means applicable for everybody, especially for those that have eating disorders where a number on a scale can be very triggering.
  
  I wish you both all the best on your quest for a healthy happy future.

[Sydgal33]

I’m going to throw a spanner in here and come at it from his side.
Im 33, newly divorced and was obese. My husband was so worried and would constantly tell me so. Every few months he would sit down and we’dhave a long discussion about it, which would always end me with me in tears. It affected everything part of our relationship. But more-so it affected my self-esteem. But to be brutally honest my self-esteem was already at Rockbottom . It is only after he left me and through a lot of counseling that I came to realise that over eating and obesity are quite often a symptom of something else. I am by no means thin now, but I am well on my way to a healthier lifestyle purely because I’m addressing the underlying issues surrounding my obesity.
There is truly no gentle way to tell someone that they are obese and you are worried about them. Believe it or not they already notice. But those that are quite often overweight spend their entire lives avoiding their reality.
I would recommend speaking to a counsellor individually and asking how you can broach this with your husband. He potentially may need couples counselling to help you articulate your concern. He will no doubt need counselling himself to get to the root cause of his obesity.

Good luck

[Peanutbrittle99]

Agree with many comments- I used to be slim then was overweight for several years (about 2 stone over, BMI 28) following 2 children. A few years of me feeling a bit crap about myself, not enjoying clothes. My hub (who’s always kept trim and fit) did make some comments now and again about being worried about my health etc. It jarred with me and even though I knew he was right, I resented him saying it too... As is often the way, one year ago something finally clicked and I decided to sign up to Second Nature for 3 months (they were offering a 50% deal). Excellent advice, lovely easy recipes, chat forum, mentor . Great app to track everything. Best thing I ever did. Highly recommended. Low carbs is the way to go! I enjoyed the chat with other people who joined the 3-month programme on same day. They’re now online friends! At same time I read Tom Watsons book. Inspired me . I lost 1 & 3/4 stone in 5 months and have plateau’d there, so still a bit more to go but I’m more or less happy with how I look, how my clothes fit, I’m eating healthily and haven’t gone back. Weight loss is practically all diet rather than exercise. There are some stats I don’t remember. Exercise is still vital of course but you won’t lose a lot of weight without dropping the carbs and sugar....

[Crazycrazylady]

Ultimately it has to be him that wants to do it and succeed, It will never ever work if its dependent on you totally.
Honestly I have a close relative like this and I am so angry with him that he's putting himself at risk of leaving his children fatherless and in the mire financially (because now he cant afford the eye wateringly expensive life assurance )so if does drop dead of a head attack which his doctors have warned him is a very real possibility, he is leaving his wife and kids in the proverbial sh*t.. I'm still a little over weight myself but have dropped 2 stone over the last year so i get how hard and painfully slow it is but i just don't understand how he doesn't even seem to try to make any effort to live a healthier life.

[NewYearHere20]

I must admit I haven't read the entire thread so apologies if I have missed something or am just repeating what's already been said.
I've been where you are @Scared129 and fully sympathise.
To support him, I need to be strict on myself for him. I see that now.
No you don't! Your husband is an adult and responsible for his own choices. Absolutely I agree you should support him in making healthier choices - but recognise they are HIS choices you cannot and should not control his diet.
You mentioned going out to buy extra treats and snacks for him. One thing you can do I think is, now could be the perfect opportunity to start refusing those extra unnecessary trips to the supermarket. If he wants these extras he will have to get them himself.
I agree with what @IHateCoronavirus said too, a really good post.

You have had lots and lots of comments and kind advice on here as to what your Dh can do to loose weight - but unfortunately - it is HIM and him alone that can make this change. Do not try and do it for him.

I've been with a very over weight man - who at one time lost lots of the excessive weight - then put it all back on again. One thing I learned is that as a partner you are not responsible.

[Emeraldshamrock]

@Lovewinemorethanhusband that is terrible although obesity is complex it can feel like the person doesn't care about their partner or longterm health well they care more about satisfying an addiction.
It isn't just the weight it is the lack of interest in keeping in shape the lethargic behaviour.
DP is lucky he works on his feet and walks miles each week at 19 stone if he lost mobility he'd be screwed.

[TrinityWaves]

Loads of tip on here for weight loss.

As a morbidly obese person, I will say that unless he is internally motivated to make a change nothing will happen.

You can share your fears with him but if my DH was constantly getting at me for what I ate then I know I would probably withdraw emotionally from him. We both need to loose weight but as adults we leave each other to make our choices. Making healthy meals together, suggesting exercise together, not buying unhealthy snacks if you go to the shop etc is all fine but I would advise against monitoring his every move (I'm not saying you're doing this!).

[TheSunIsStillShining]

@shinynewapple2021
I wouldn't say my H was asking for it. :) I put him on a diet after climbing the stairs to the 2nd floor and him panting like it was proper hour long exercise.
Can you just make his portions a little smaller? then a few weeks later a little smaller? or get rid of any snacks - you forgot to buy them... ?

[Emeraldshamrock]

Start working on a good sound lifeboat! Sad but true, good advice.

[Yohoheaveho]

I don't know what to do to make him listen either to be honest
stop trying and make sure that you have everything in place so that you and the children will be ok once he goes, he's made it clear that he's happy to die young and leave you to cope alone.
I'm sorry to sound so harsh but if he wont help himself at all it's not fair that you should all sink with his ship.
Start working on a good sound lifeboat!

[shinynewapple2021]

@TheSunIsStillShining

My H reached peak 100 kg 2 years ago. he is 170cm tall/short, so he did look "bulky".
He had fish and salad 4 times a week. Half a portion of sides - always made just enough so he would have had to take it from me or his son and he'd never do that.
Didn't buy snacks for him. Only bought snack that son liked but he didn't.
We did/do always have very dark/specialist chocolates in the house, but that is too bitter to eat too much.
He lost about 15 kg in 6 months and rarely complained. When he did it was mostly about the rabbit food part :)

That's fine if your partner has agreed for you to 'put him on a diet' or has said that this is what he wants to eat.

If I did that to my DH he would be ordering in a takeaway half an hour later .

[Lovewinemorethanhusband]

I have this issue with my husband , he is now classed as morbidly obese however doesn't seem to care ! , since COVID started last year I would say he's put on about 2 stone and is now over 25st, I've tried talking to him telling him that if he gets it he will die leaving me and 3 young children but still he eats and eats !!! I make healthy meals for us all but he snacks when he's not with me and I can't control that. He's being assessed for sleep apnoea , he falls asleep constantly , snores like a warthog .
I don't know what to do to make him listen either to be honest !

[Ilady]

Paula was friendly with a man who was also obose and she told him about what she was planning. She said to him why don't we do this at the same time as we can help each other out. He decided he was fine.
His weight has gone even higher. Paula told me recently that he now has type 2 diabetics, sleep anopa and high blood pressure. He has a young child as well. Paula showed me a recent photo of him and we both said he did not look well.
You need to tell your husband your worried about his weight because it is effecting his health and that you don't want to lose him at a young age. Say to him as well I am sure you want to be here to see X your child grow up. Tell him that your head about slimming world and look up the website together. Let him see that losing weight does not mean having to give up everything he likes but eating better and doing a bit of exercise will help him feel and look better. You and your child want him around long term as well.

[Yohoheaveho]

as said have a serious conversation
stop sugar coating things for him!

[Yohoheaveho]

Portion control, moderation, small changes.... forget it. It just won't work when you've lost your way with food like this
Agree, imo we forget/dont realise how stimulating the highly palatable manufactured foods (aka junk foods) are.
Compared to basic foods they are like crack cocaine vs a cup of coffee, ie highly addictive, very stimulating to the dopamine reward system such that they take over the brain.

[Dixiechickonhols]

You need a serious conversation not joking. You are worried about his health. One angle is to discuss impact if he dies. You have a child he can’t just bury head in sand. It may give him impetus to change. You say partner - I assume not married. Do you have wills, provision as you won’t qualify for bereavement support payments etc. I was obese and got to healthy bmi in 6 months on SlimmingWorld - 5 stone off in 8 months. Men lose really well on SlimmingWorld and app that you scan food has been big hit with men in our group. You can eat decent portions of normal food it’s very doable and compatible with family life.

[Pumpkinpied]

My husband is the same but he is the one who needs to decide for himself. He is three inches taller than me and double my weight. I can’t not have high calorie foods at home because I need them and to snack constantly as I don’t have a stomach. Even if they weren’t in our house he would simply buy them. I don’t drink either and he does, which contributes a lot to his weight.

[TinyTinaTriesAgain]

@BonnieDundee

I doubt you know what people post on all the health forums on Mumsnet.

They could very well be posting about risks of skin cancer.

It's not all over AIBU like the overweight threads though.

And I think you are a bit behind the times as most people now do not see a tan as something to boast about because they know it's a sign of skin damage.

IRL I always hear people complimenting others (and me) on their suntan. Maybe everyone i know is behind the times?

Yes, that's probably right.

Going back to your other points, the reality is not living to 96 after counting calories/being miserable/ending up in a nursing home.

The reality is that life expectancy is around 81 for women, and the UK has the highest rate of chronic ill health when people reach late middle age (60-ish) and the highest number of years of ill health before they die (around 20 years.)

And almost half that number of people with ill health is preventable.

[Ilady]

I can understand why your worried about your husband's weight especially when he now has a sleep anopa machine in his 30's.
Along with this your husband sounds like he is eating because he is unhappy and unhappy because he is eating. He goes on fad diets, gets board because these diets are impossible to stay on and goes off on a binge.
My friend Paula was like him regarding the above but she had no health problems. She decided to join slimming world and it got her back to eating proper meals, eating more fruit and vegetables and she had a limited amount of bread/Weetabix and milk/cheese each day. Along with this she had a certain number of syns each day for say a nice sauce on her dinner and a curley worked, pack of low fat crisps or even the odd take away. So she still could have something nice in the evening in front of the TV or the odd take a way. She said they also had a body magic plan that started of with a small amount of exercise and built it up as she she got fitter. She went to a gym after she lost a bit of weight. Within 9/10 months she had lost 4 stone.
She said to me look I am never going to be a skinny girl but I don't want to have a lot of health problems.

[Yohoheaveho]

are you reading us OP?

[higglepiggley]

This May not be relevant but I'm 27. Female and I have sleep apnea to.
I had it at 9 stone. I also had it at 13 stone.
I'm on a cpap for life.
Sleep apnea if on a machine doesn't put you at increased risk of death

[isitjustifyable]

I could of wrote this about me and my DH, so following for advice.

Also, how much does he weigh? Mine has put on 10 stone since we got together 5 years ago. And is now 25 stone. Might need to start my own thread... desperate for help.

[LabiaMinoraPissusFlapus]

I have similar worries with my husband. I have come to accept that I cannot change him. It has to come from him. It then boils down to whether I want to be with him as he is. I do. So that is that really. Encouraging (nagging) may push him away. There are times when he has put on so much weight that I don't want to have sex with him, so I don't. But we are really good friends, and that is how it is at the moment. Worrying and going over and over it is not a good place to be. His weight does tend to come down at times when he wants it to, but it is always temporary.

[Peachee]

Hi have you thought about gastric surgery. I have a gastric band which I paid for privately which really helps with portion size but there are lot of other procedures too. My friend had a sleeve on the NHS.. I’m this was a while ago but if he has a serious condition like sleep apnea it might be worth him looking into surgery with his GP. Weight gain, food intake is a web of issues unfortunately it’s not just a case of eating less and moving more like some people think. Xx