Terrified about partner's weight

[Scared129]

Please hear me out as I know this will be triggering for a lot of people and this is really not my intention. I have name changed for this!

We have been together for over 10 years and now have a lovely 1 year old. He is my soul mate really, cheesy as that sounds. Very similar, have a really good laugh and are very happy.

He has always been a big guy, and I have no problem with that. But over the last couple of years, it's now got to a stage where I am up at night and I am genuinely worried he will die young due to his weight especially with covid still on going (We haven't had it yet to our knowledge).

He is classed as obese, and he could probably easily fit three of my waist in his. He has recently been diagnosed with sleep apnea and now has a machine. We are early 30s.

I just don't know what to do. I don't know what I can do? We have spoken hundreds of times about getting fit, and stopping eating bad, sorting ourselves out, etc. We joke about our weight a lot, and we poke eachother bellies, delete takeout apps, promise to eat healthy, etc. All in good fun. I always say 'we' so it's like a joint thing, but in reality I have a normal bmi. I have a few extra pounds I want to lose, but I want to support him as much as possible and don't ever want him to feel like I'm singling him out. Plus, doing things together is more supportive.

I'm just so scared. I have told him this before and he nods and agrees, and i know he needs help but I just don't know how. He goes through cycles when he goes super strict with his food, but he's got this stupid carnivore diet obsession and all he then eats is meat and the tiniest bit of veg and obviously this isn't sustainable and then he yoyos back and eats junk again. It's his portion sizes too, they're massive. He won't eat fruit. He rolls his eyes if I ever say about his diet as he thinks he's this diet guru, even though he just gains weight!

What can I do??? I don't want to be that partner who nags about weight!!!

[TinyTinaTriesAgain]

@BonnieDundee

Not on MN, but if you are on a cancer forum there are loads of people worried about relatives getting skin cancer etc. Most people don't go on sunny holidays too much because of unresolved childhood tragedy though do they.

My point stands. You never see posters on here worrying about that "unhealthy" behaviour. So it's not about the health. It's about not liking people being fat. Which is fair enough. But own it. Dont dress it up as faux health concern.

Really?


Being very overweight or obese is a serious health issue.

Do you not regard obesity as a serious health issue?

Because the entire medical profession does.

[Graciebobcat]

He might need help but it's up to him to get it, not his other half. Fair enough that she is worried but it isn't her responsibility. You can only do what she already has, offer support and to do things together. You can lead a horse to water...etc.

For example I've learned with DH there is no point going on about things. I might mention stuff I'm doing and see if he want to join in, going for a walk or something. One day he just decides to take action himself, I've just noticed he has really cut down on the beers and is only having a few cans a week now, on two or three evenings, rather than having beer every evening. He never tells anyone about stuff like this, he just does it. Some people like to tell everyone and have a accountability for what they are doing, others just like to get on with things quietly. If I'd have gone on and on at him about cutting down on beer he wouldn't have done it.

[TinyTinaTriesAgain]

@Scared129

I hope you have got something out of these posts.

Obviously, you cannot control your H's actual eating.

BUT you can change your own behaviour which may help him to change his.

I think you have had loads of good advice but what YOU can do is

Change your own attitude to food (stop seeing sweet and high carb foods as treats, that perk people up or are a reward.)

Start eating healthily yourself.

Stop buying crap food, full stop.

Make a weekly menu and follow a low-carb kind of regime (loads lf links left for you.)

Encourage your H to seek medical help as he has a food /eating disorder and needs a talking therapy to unpick it.

Maybe invest in some kit to use at home like a BP monitor and a blood glucose kit- and measure your own, to show you are working on your own fitness.

[CleverCatty]

I've got a friend of my DB's from school (only really got closer to him in past few years as lost contact) and he's a dad and married with 2 young sons.

He is overweight and knows it and knows the reasons why. His DW has said the odd thing to him about it and so has my DB sometimes (just out of concern), last year he lost 2 stone through healthy eating, he's also a delivery driver so realises that being stuck in the van and not exercising much apart from that means he puts on weight.

I think in both your cases a slimming club like Slimming World would be a good idea for both of you to mutually encourage each of you to lose weight.

[Emeraldshamrock]

We're all going to die of something
Yes but there is lots to be said for quality of life. This thread is clearly upsetting for you @BonnieDundee it is completely natural to be concerned for a loved one making choices that could not only end their life but make it very difficult to breath and move never mind the list of illnesses he'll have to suffer on the way.

[ApocalypseBiscuits]

"This level of obesity is addiction. It's the same as the difference between someone who wants to 'cut down their drinking a little' and an alcoholic."

I very much agree with this. As a recovering alcoholic, when you've crossed over to "the bad place" with your substance of choice into addiction (booze in my case, food with your DH) normal methods just don't work any more. Portion control, moderation, small changes.... forget it. It just won't work when you've lost your way with food like this.

He'll need to come to this realisation by himself, but he likely needs Overeaters Anonymous. He has to work on the underlying problems basically, however he chooses to go about that. You could look into the equivalent of Al Anon for overeaters and get some advice there. There are issues of co-dependency I see from your posts, but you need professional support to unpick them www.therecoverygroup.org/special/oaanon.html

[BonnieDundee]

Really?

Being very overweight or obese is a serious health issue.

Do you not regard obesity as a serious health issue?

Because the entire medical profession does.

I haven't commented on whether.i think it's a serious medical condition. My point is that nobody on here ever comes on complaining about relatives lying in the searing heat for a fortnight potentially exposing themselves to skin cancer.

Nobody on here ever worries about that that so they are hypocrites if they wring their hands about obesity

[BonnieDundee]

We're all going to die of something

Yes but there is lots to be said for quality of life. This thread is clearly upsetting for you@BonnieDundeeit is completely natural to be concerned for a loved one making choices that could not only end their life but make it very difficult to breath and move never mind the list of illnesses he'll have to suffer on the way

It isn't upsetting for.me. I just dislike hypocrisy. We're all going to die of something and if I had the choice of counting calories every day for the rest of my life and live to be 96 in a nursing home with other things going wrong with my body and no quality of life, or live a few years less and enjoy treats, i know which life I'd pick every time.

Its also the assumption that you're a bad person if you're fat.

Youd all hate me at size 20

[PontefractFake]

Nobody on here ever worries about that that so they are hypocrites if they wring their hands about obesity

I'd say that's because you have the visible shock factor of someone being overweight/eating excessively, whereas in comparison, sitting in the sun does little to nothing, visually. It's just someone sat outside, whereas watching someone eat a lot/unhealthily/gaining weight is something you are more likely to see the result of.

[Emeraldshamrock]

Its also the assumption that you're a bad person if you're fat
Not at all how could you be a bad person. I think most people with any intelligence realise a morbidly obese like all addicts are comforting some pain.

Youd all hate me at size 20
No not in the slightest I'd never hate anyone based on their body.

OP's DH weight is affecting his health.
I'm aware that's unusual at his age.

[BonnieDundee]

Nobody on here ever worries about that that so they are hypocrites if they wring their hands about obesity

I'd say that's because you have the visible shock factor of someone being overweight/eating excessively, whereas in comparison, sitting in the sun does little to nothing, visually. It's just someone sat outside, whereas watching someone eat a lot/unhealthily/gaining weight is something you are more likely to see the result of.

I disagree..when someone comes back from a warm weather holiday, you can clearly see their suntan. Do they get pilloried for it? No. They actually get praised.

If you've ever complimented someone on their suntan while complaining about fat people being unhealthy you are a hypocrite

[SchrodingersImmigrant]

@BonnieDundee

Really?

Being very overweight or obese is a serious health issue.

Do you not regard obesity as a serious health issue?

Because the entire medical profession does.

I haven't commented on whether.i think it's a serious medical condition. My point is that nobody on here ever comes on complaining about relatives lying in the searing heat for a fortnight potentially exposing themselves to skin cancer.

Nobody on here ever worries about that that so they are hypocrites if they wring their hands about obesity

This is quite different. I can assure you that if someone already had odd moles or similar, people would complain about them "lying ina searing sun". He has machine to help him breath. In his case that's caused by his weight.

I agree with others. This thread isn't obviously good for you and it appears it's upsetting you.

[PontefractFake]

If you've ever complimented someone on their suntan while complaining about fat people being unhealthy you are a hypocrite

I guess I am free of the hypocrite moniker in this case, as I personally have seen the damage that can be done by sun exposure and don't like tans for that reason.

Its also the assumption that you're a bad person if you're fat.
Nope. If you're a bad person, you're bad, regardless of whether you're 400lbs or 100 soaking wet. Your weight is just a descriptor, not the cause of your badness.

You'd all hate me at size 20
Again, no. Why are you bringing your own weight into this? It doesn't bolster your point or make me feel bad for thinking what I do. I wouldn't hate anyone for being whatever they weigh - I'd dislike them for who they are, skinny, chubby, fat. This kind of dialogue and your attitude could be what is contributing to the divide between 'fat-not fat'. Feels a bit goady to me imo.

[TinyTinaTriesAgain]

@BonnieDundee

Nobody on here ever worries about that that so they are hypocrites if they wring their hands about obesity

I'd say that's because you have the visible shock factor of someone being overweight/eating excessively, whereas in comparison, sitting in the sun does little to nothing, visually. It's just someone sat outside, whereas watching someone eat a lot/unhealthily/gaining weight is something you are more likely to see the result of.

I disagree..when someone comes back from a warm weather holiday, you can clearly see their suntan. Do they get pilloried for it? No. They actually get praised.

If you've ever complimented someone on their suntan while complaining about fat people being unhealthy you are a hypocrite

I doubt you know what people post on all the health forums on Mumsnet.

They could very well be posting about risks of skin cancer.

And I think you are a bit behind the times as most people now do not see a tan as something to boast about because they know it's a sign of skin damage.

But the overriding fact is that 60% of the population are overweight / or obese.

There are not 60% of people with skin cancer.

So, it's sheer numbers that are most likely the reason why you see more threads on weight than skin cancer.

Your posts come over as being defensive about weight, and its risks to health.

Do you intend them to look that way?

[TinyTinaTriesAgain]

and if I had the choice of counting calories every day for the rest of my life and live to be 96 in a nursing home with other things going wrong with my body and no quality of life, or live a few years less and enjoy treats, i know which life I'd pick every time.

But the reality is not 'eat little and live to 96 and be miserable (and in a nursing home'.)

The reality for most people who are very overweight is live to 55 and then develop diseases in middle age that give you a very poor quality of life for the next 25-30 years, where you depend on drugs to live.

heart disease
cancer
diabetes
mobility problems from carrying all the weight


You can eat lovely food which is healthy without ever counting a single calorie.

You also should not assume that a 96 year old is in a nursing home with lots of illnesses.

The worst scenario of all is to have a poor quality of life for 20-30 years, all caused by being overweight.

[Juno231]

Gosh I only know one person that got skin cancer from being in the sun too much but I don't think know a single obese person without health problems? There's no comparing the two. Too much time in the sun may give you skin cancer - meanwhile obesity is linked to impaired breathing, joints, gallbladder health, cholesterol/cardiovascular health, increased risks of cancers, strokes, type 2 diabetes etc.

[Sittingonabench]

If you can encourage good habits around his day this may help. I have no problem restricting calories during the week use to routine being rigid(ish) with work but struggle at the weekend. If he can get into a routine of eating at certain times that could help. Also with portions I find that eating a larger meal for lunch and more of a snack for tea really helps. It means you feel full during the day and stops you snacking. My DH and I used Gousto to reset our portion sizes, at first he would complain or go back for a snack but gradually adjusted to the portion size (which is still substantial). Changed to buying ingredients but still use their serving amounts and might have a chicken satay noodle thing for lunch and soup or toast for dinner which makes sleeping a lot more comfortable. We are slowly losing excess weight but it is sustainable. Good luck.

[funnelfanjo]

Regarding snacks - don't have any in the house, don't hide any of your own and come to an agreement that if your DH wants treats, then he has to go and buy his own, from his own money.

Challenge him to just record everything he eats and drinks in an app so he understands exactly what he is consuming, no pressure to cut calories. I use MyFitnessPal.

My DH lost a lot of weight all on his own without me saying a word after we attended a social event and we saw some old friends he's not seen for a few years. One said to me "you're feeding him too well" when he wasn't in earshot, and I had to tell him that DH does all the cooking in our house, and changed the topic. I think the friend went and told him directly as he changed his eating habits soon afterwards. DH's downfall was huge amounts of snacks in the evening, his daytime food intake is pretty healthy. I never knew how much he weighed at his largest but he must have lost 4-5 stone. He never said a word, and neither did I apart from making the odd appreciative comment about his current shape.

I wish I had his willpower. I need to lose weight myself but as people have already said, it has to come from within yourself and sometimes I know what I'm about to eat is not what I should be eating but I do it anyway. It's an MH issue not a nutritional one, doesn't matter how many diet tips and tricks I read. When I'm in the right place mentally I find it very easy to do (watch portion size, avoid snacking but no food is off limits, just budget calories accordingly), but I can't seem to sustain it for more than a month or so.

[OhSoScared]

Could it be worth suggesting that he looks at a couple of male weight loss accounts on FB or Instagram? I follow a guy on Instagram and he has lost 20st over the past couple of years and his weight loss is still ongoing. He talks alot about why he decided to lose weight and how he has done it.

If someone was telling me to lose weight It would make me want to lose it more but I know for the majority of people it would be the opposite.

[SchrodingersImmigrant]

I would also remind him that cremations might be issues over certain weight. That hit me tbh. I don't know why it stuck with me taht much

[BonnieDundee]

I doubt you know what people post on all the health forums on Mumsnet.

They could very well be posting about risks of skin cancer.

It's not all over AIBU like the overweight threads though.

And I think you are a bit behind the times as most people now do not see a tan as something to boast about because they know it's a sign of skin damage.

IRL I always hear people complimenting others (and me) on their suntan. Maybe everyone i know is behind the times?

[Peachee]

Hi have you thought about gastric surgery. I have a gastric band which I paid for privately which really helps with portion size but there are lot of other procedures too. My friend had a sleeve on the NHS.. I’m this was a while ago but if he has a serious condition like sleep apnea it might be worth him looking into surgery with his GP. Weight gain, food intake is a web of issues unfortunately it’s not just a case of eating less and moving more like some people think. Xx

[LabiaMinoraPissusFlapus]

I have similar worries with my husband. I have come to accept that I cannot change him. It has to come from him. It then boils down to whether I want to be with him as he is. I do. So that is that really. Encouraging (nagging) may push him away. There are times when he has put on so much weight that I don't want to have sex with him, so I don't. But we are really good friends, and that is how it is at the moment. Worrying and going over and over it is not a good place to be. His weight does tend to come down at times when he wants it to, but it is always temporary.

[isitjustifyable]

I could of wrote this about me and my DH, so following for advice.

Also, how much does he weigh? Mine has put on 10 stone since we got together 5 years ago. And is now 25 stone. Might need to start my own thread... desperate for help.

[higglepiggley]

This May not be relevant but I'm 27. Female and I have sleep apnea to.
I had it at 9 stone. I also had it at 13 stone.
I'm on a cpap for life.
Sleep apnea if on a machine doesn't put you at increased risk of death