Terrified about partner's weight

[Scared129]

Please hear me out as I know this will be triggering for a lot of people and this is really not my intention. I have name changed for this!

We have been together for over 10 years and now have a lovely 1 year old. He is my soul mate really, cheesy as that sounds. Very similar, have a really good laugh and are very happy.

He has always been a big guy, and I have no problem with that. But over the last couple of years, it's now got to a stage where I am up at night and I am genuinely worried he will die young due to his weight especially with covid still on going (We haven't had it yet to our knowledge).

He is classed as obese, and he could probably easily fit three of my waist in his. He has recently been diagnosed with sleep apnea and now has a machine. We are early 30s.

I just don't know what to do. I don't know what I can do? We have spoken hundreds of times about getting fit, and stopping eating bad, sorting ourselves out, etc. We joke about our weight a lot, and we poke eachother bellies, delete takeout apps, promise to eat healthy, etc. All in good fun. I always say 'we' so it's like a joint thing, but in reality I have a normal bmi. I have a few extra pounds I want to lose, but I want to support him as much as possible and don't ever want him to feel like I'm singling him out. Plus, doing things together is more supportive.

I'm just so scared. I have told him this before and he nods and agrees, and i know he needs help but I just don't know how. He goes through cycles when he goes super strict with his food, but he's got this stupid carnivore diet obsession and all he then eats is meat and the tiniest bit of veg and obviously this isn't sustainable and then he yoyos back and eats junk again. It's his portion sizes too, they're massive. He won't eat fruit. He rolls his eyes if I ever say about his diet as he thinks he's this diet guru, even though he just gains weight!

What can I do??? I don't want to be that partner who nags about weight!!!

You are right to be scared. My partner is following he has sleep apnoea hasn't been to a gp, he is always tired run down.
I can't make him take responsibility I've said it to him many times he gets upset then determined to work on it and forgets about the changes within 48 hours.
With the word fat associated with shaming it is hard to discuss.
We started watching Supersize vs superskinny on YouTube I think it shocked him and me as I'm the opposite end of the scale it has encouraged me to have a healthy breakfast.

Like pps it is the portion sizes mine is convinced he needs enough for 4 people.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable considering the machine at his age.

I agree with pps. Stop joking. Sit him down and tell him all this. Then it is sadly up to him. But any partner who ignores their partner being rightfully scared about early death and other issues, doesn't deserve to be in that relationship at the time.

How big is he? What's his bmi?

• Sit him down and let him know seriously how worried you are

• Ask him if HE has any ideas about what would help

• Change your lifestyle together - a non-negotiable brisk walk at 8am together? or 12pm?

• Read a book called Brain Over Binge - i'm finding the audiobook helpful and enlightening. Could be a breakthrough read for a lot of people

• be kind - he knows he has a problem and it sounds like he is trying to deal with it

I would suggest small changes. For example, get him a set of spoon measures and suggest that you will start to measure the oil for cooking. Start at a tbls. Then down to tsp and so on. Then move to an oil mister. DH and I only cook fried eggs in fat, because we think they taste better, but we only have them infrequently, so get your dh to think about what tastes better fried and what doesn't need it. With snacks, don't keep them in the house. I am slim, but only because I do not keep snacks in the house (adult snacks, that is) because if I did, I would be much larger. Does he like vinegars, could you choose some fancy ones and try them out? Get some window herbs and different dried ones, try different blends. If you can, maybe talk about switching to drinks which don't need milk or 0% beer in the week. If you like crisps, buy an air popcorn popper. I know a lot of people on here are against LF dairy, but I think 0% greek yogurt is delicious and filling and very versatile. Try buying some smaller plates and bowls. These steps mean nothing is off limits, but you are making subtle and sustainable changes that will mount up.

To support him, I need to be strict on myself for him. I see that now
This pisses me off that you need to be strict. DP will happily start a diet with my support ie cooking, encouraging, cheering on but it doesn't last plus I'm at the low end of BMI a recovered aneroxic.
Ultimately it is his responsibility to change be firm but he needs to do the work prepare calorie count not secretly eating so your pissing against the wind.
Book a visit with the GP.
Stop feeling guilty.

The Hairy Dieters recipe books are very good. Really tasty, including 'fakeaways'.

I used to really struggle with binge eating snack food. Snack foods are the devil! Retailers don’t make it easy. I went to morrisons earlier and the first thing I saw next to the Fruit and veg was an advert for creme eggs. I love creme eggs and can, and have eaten a whole box in one go! One of the biggest changes I have made for good is now...DO NOT BUY THE SNACKS! If it’s there I will eat it. I need to actively remind myself when I see it how bad it is. All that sugar, increasing insulin response, no health benefits whatsoever. This is a change that I will stick to.

It's such a tough situation but I think I'd have to get blunt with him. Sit down and say you have something difficult to discuss but you have to face up to it. You are scared for his health. Scared that if at 30-something he has sleep apnoea his child won't have a dad by the time they're in their teens. Tell him you adore him and want to grow old with him and have adventures with him. But that he has to recognise that the carnivore diet then bingeing isn't working to maintain his health. And what's also not working is false promises and joking but ignoring the issue.

Then I think I'd try to get him to agree to a few easy improvements. Three things he could do:
1.) Increase his fruit and veg intake to 8 portions a day
2.) Make a list of non-food 'treats' that he can have to destress or reward himself after a tough day or when he's feeling down - e.g. watching a favourite comedy, listening to really upbeat music, having a hug with you, listening to a podcast by someone he admires or by a favourite comedian etc.
3.) Do 5-8 mins HIIT a day using online videos. You can start with bodyweight ones. And there will be ones for people who are severely overweight.

Other things that work are:

1.) logging food on MFP. It's a bit time consuming at first but you quickly learn what snacks just aren't worth the empty calories and which are.
2) Making a list of all his favourite foods that happen to also be healthy or healthier than some of his choices - so if he likes roast chicken or lean beef or oven sweet potato fries, these are better options than fish shop deep fried-chips.
3) Try some healthier versions of his favourite dirty-food meals. E.g. if he loves a fry up, try making a breakfast of grilled back bacon, poached eggs, beans, grilled tomatoes and toast instead of fried everything. Or make a curry using natural yoghurt and a tiny bit of oil instead of ghee and cream. A bowl of home-popped corn sprinkled with a bit of salt and smoky paprika is better than crisps or tortilla chips. Etc.

And focus on other things. Start focusing on planning your dream holiday or updating a room in the house or things you want to teach or do with your child. Try and go on family walks every day if he's WFH during lockdown and extend the walk by 5 minutes each day until it reaches 10k steps.

My DH used to be a sugar machine - literally could munch his way through a whole packet of biscuits and sweets without stopping into take breath. Has always been big...22 stone to be precise. But he developed osteoarthritis after years of playing a certain sport and needed a knee replacement. Doctor told him to trim down bit so he listened and ended up losing 6 stone - think it scared him a bit. No advice l am afraid, it had to be a shock factor that did it for my DH . He now looks 15 years younger and is much nicer to be around as the pain has nearly gone.

Imagine how this thread would go if a man were complaining about his wife's weight?

It's not like he is just a few lbs overweight by the sound of it, and OP isn't complaining for superficial reasons. If a man came on saying that his wife was rapidly putting on weight, so much so that she was classed as obese and has to have a machine at night to help her breathe- an issue caused directly by her weight, I would hope people would be sympathetic to him and see that he wanted to help. If someone stops eating people rightly jump in to offer support, and that's seen as 'acceptable', if someone is overeating to the detriment of their health, giving support to them is reasonable.

, if someone is overeating to the detriment of their health, giving support to them is reasonable.

Only if they ask for support. Not foisted on them

Ive found there's not a lot you can do, it's upto the person that needs to change themselves.

You can offer all of the encouragement, meal prep and offers of a shared exercise routine, but if they CBA to do it then they won't full stop.

I'm in the same situation with my DP. He was the one who suggested we even start the diet/lifestyle change at the beginning of lockdown due to Covid. However, I'm the one who has stuck to it and lost 17KG and now have a 19 BMI...yet he has not lost any despite being overweight with a family history of diabetes.

I offer him healthy meals, but he says he can't possibly eat a meal without lots of meat.
I offer him the chance to exercise with me but he'd rather watch TV and laze.
I buy healthyish snacks but he binges on them which defeats the object of them

He says it's my fault for having snacks in the house, but I'm not going to remove my own 'joy' just because he can't control himself?

Following this thread with interest anyway.

Only if they ask for support. Not foisted on them

Each to their own, I absolutely disagree. I bet most people with this view absolutely would intervene and 'foist' support on them if their partner stopped eating and rapidly lost weight. Why it is not the same if the opposite is true, overeating is more of a ticking timebomb rather than as much as an immediate danger, but there's obviously more to it at play.

Boomerwang I am in the same position, so I know how long those evenings can be. I have found using calorie apps, I pay for mine but you can just use a free one, are great, and I've cut calories significantly in the day with some easy swops. That leaves a couple of hundred calories for the evening, so that might be one bag of crisps, or, my fave, high protein yoghurt, berries or fruit and oats (measured out). I still get to eat at a time I know I'm vunlerable. I also have quite a few drinks, low cal or decaff tea in the evenings as it's something to do whilst sitting that isn't calore enhancing.

I think it's better to know your weak spots and tailor your weight plan to them, I do not like to go to bed hungry at all, so intermittent fasting isn't for me but lots of people love it. I'd prefer to spread my calories out and eat at 10pm if I feel like it, I then get a good night's sleep and don't eat again til 9/10 the next morning as I'm not that hungry then.

Good luck, I bet there's some easy swaps you could make, don't buy anything except a very limited amount of evening snacks, find one thing you like which is small and 'treat' like, have that, and the rest is all drinks/lower cal foods which will fill you up.

I am puzzled from what you say he rarely eats carbs, so is basically on the caveman diet. His weight gain is odd are you sure he is not eating carbs without you knowing, if he is not I would see a GP.

@justasking111

I am puzzled from what you say he rarely eats carbs, so is basically on the caveman diet. His weight gain is odd are you sure he is not eating carbs without you knowing, if he is not I would see a GP.

If you eat enough of it you could gain weight from broccoli. Too much of anything can cause considerable gain. Not just carbs

sympathise with this op similar situation with my own husband who realises there is a problem but just can't motivate himself to sort it out. His own dad died with a catalogue of health issues one of which was obesity and i know he knows he doesnt want to end up like his dad.

I sympathise especially a I had a weight issue in the past but by a stroke of luck got into running and got addicted and manage these days.

You are in a lucky position in that you are in control of what you buy so i think you should put yourself in charge of what you buy and eat. I do think portion control is key, try and make enough for two reasonably sized portions so no room for leftovers and keeping the meat portion down.

Also would he try couch 2 5k or something like that? My husband whinges that he didn't manage to keep the weight off but he definitely did lose a LOT of weight when he did it about 2 years ago. My mum has done it too at the age of 73!!! Personally I think exercise in many cases in the key. You feel better for it and are less likely to eat rubbish as a result. That plus eating healthily but not necessarily in 'diet' fashion.

It is a hard conversation to have it is good you can. Many couples could never mention their partners weight even when they are concerned about health.

I think it's probably a counselling issue if it's related to childhood trauma. Would he be open to that?

Unfortunately it’s the same as any addiction- you can’t do it for them. Also, it’s not like you can cut food out of your life like you can booze of gambling, it’s a lifetime’s work figuring out how to eat healthily without falling back into old habits.

I would be blunt with him but you also have to be blunt with yourself
His diets are only token efforts and really he just uses them to indulge himself in food but in different ways
he laughs off your suggestions that he should eat healthy food
He's an addict and his addiction is his first love
Are you prepared to tolerate this situation and it's (probable) inevitable conclusion?

To be honest, if needing a sleep apnea machine in his 30s with a young child isn’t enough of a wake up call to change, I don’t know what would be.