Friend blocked me on fB. WWYD

[Palatka]

To start with we're in our 50s, so not kids.

We're both Brits living overseas and were introduced by a mutual friend.

Friend and i hit it off and became good friends even though the mutual friend drifted away. Neither of us have many proper friends here so we used to enjoy getting together whenever we could.

She has a very different attitude to where we live - she always sees problems whereas i have a very positive experience. She can be quite aggressive in some ways. If someone is late paying her DH for work he has done she'll intervene and give them shit without giving him a chance to sort it out first. she always seems to have some crap on her plate.

She's had a few health issues plus some big inheritance issues with her siblings back in her home country. She's talked to me at length about her inheritance problems and I've been as supportive as i can, even though there's not much i can really do.

In november she had to have some follow up tests done and i wished her well and told her to let me know how she got on. I didn't hear back from her so i sent a message asking if she was ok. No reply so i tried calling and left a voicemail.
Not long after she sent me a message saying not to take it personally but she'd had enough of everything so she was stepping away from social media and people for a while. She ended her message with "take care" and i replied "you too x"
Shortly before Christmas i sent her a message just saying i hoped she was doing ok. Although I'd seen her online on FB, and also sharing a post, that message always says it was unread. A few days ago I tried to send her a message but it wouldn't send and i couldn't find her on FB.
i asked another mutual friend if she could see her profile and she could, so i was very obviously blocked.

I'm pretty shocked and really quite upset as she has blocked me right out of the blue - i hadn't tried to contact her for a month.
This is a friend who would offer to go to a medical appointment with me, or who said she was coming to support me (she lives and hour away) when we thought we might lose our house to a natural disaster.

I really don't know why just me, and why now. The other friend had tried to contact her a week or so ago and she just replied that she had a lot on her plate. Mutual friend's subsequent messages have gone unread.
I miss her.

I've toyed with the idea of sending her a letter saying i know she's blocked me but if she ever wants to get back in touch then my door is always open but I'll leave it to her to decide and that I won't bother her again though.
Then I think "fuck her". If she can block me so easily we didn't have the friendship I thought we did and try and forget about her.

So wwyd?

[Palatka]

Krampus, when pretty much every conversation last year was me listening and making all the right noises while she moaned about everything and anything, without her EVER bothering to ask how I was, I'd say it was all about her, not me.

like i said earlier, I clearly read her message wrong. I saw it that she was taking a step back, not that she was telling me not to contact her, but fuck me, was one message really so heinous? She could - and did - ignore it so why the need to randomly block a month later?

I'd love you to hear the other side too. Maybe you'd get fed up of someone finding absolutely nothing nice to say about anything or anyone. Me and other friend had been making excuses for her "Poor friend, she really doesn't like it here....she's got so much going on....she never seems to catch a break" I'm done with it. A whole year of listening to her moan without so much of a "and how are things with you?" As i said before, my world nearly tipped upside down last year and she would be the one person I would want to talk to about it but I didn't because I thought she had enough problems without me offloading my problems on to her. If that makes me smug and self-centered then fine, I can live with that.

[Palatka]

You wouldn't be pissed off if your partner went wading into your company business shouting the odds at customers for not paying straight away without allowing you to sort it first? Another drip-feed - sorry - he'd told her people were late paying, she hit the roof and he told her to leave it but she went and waded in anyway.
If you'd read what I said earlier, no way have I ever told her how wonderful my life is. I said i try to say all; the right things. I'm really not about rubbing people's noses in shit.

and no, I'm not being kind about her now. why the fuck should i be? Today my eyes have opened and i've realized she's just been using me as someone to bitch to. Why does not liking her doing that to me make her such a darling and me such a cunt?

[Krampusnolongerbabysits]

For years and years now, I have seen various variants of ‘my friend has dropped, ghosted, or unfriended me on social media’ posts. While many are by posters who are genuinely baffled and hurt, there is also a large number of threads that very much follow your kind of direction. They are quite surprisingly similar in that the OP is long-suffering saintly, supportive, while the ‘bad’ friend that deserted them is described in rather negative and unpleasant ways. It’s a not-so-subtle way of laying the groundwork of negging the other party to invite loads of supportive posts, slagging off the errant friend. The OP then posts some half-arsed pseudo apologies on behalf of the friend, which in reality further add to the character assassination of the non-communicative friend while further bolstering the narrative how wonderful a friend OP is. Your thread firmly falls into the second category. She asked you rather sincerely to leave her be. But you just had to push it. It’s all about you. That further unwanted message and the suggestion of further trampling on her boundaries by writing a letter are really just about having the last word and emerging as the good guy in this story. Please, take a hint, she doesn’t want you in her life. Maybe you irritate her and make her so mardy. This thread is more about you having the last word by proxy.

[Krampusnolongerbabysits]

PS: You are now showing your real side, not such a lovely friend are you? You are seething and this thread is all about slagging her off but in a really dishonest way.

[FunkBus]

It sounds like you don't like her, so what's the problem?

People can tell when you don't actually like them, they're not stuipd.

[Palatka]

funks, when i started this thread I thought i did like her but when I really sat down and analyzed the last year of our friendship where she's shown no interest in anything but her own woes - which she's foisted on to me, I've realized that no, I don't like her so much now.
i thought we had an equal friendship but in the last 12 hours I've realized that's not so and she doesn't give a shit about me, i'm just there as a verbal punchbag. I'm not sure why getting pissed off when you realize
your friendship was actually just a one-way street makes a person so terrible, but there we have it.

@Krampusnolongerbabysits slagging her off? Yeah, i guess I am. i've realized she's a shitty friend to me throughout the course of today.
You're not exactly covering yourself in glory with your character assassination of a complete stranger.

[FunkBus]

I think what's happening here is that you are now rationalising away that you actually don't like her to protect yourself from the hurt of her ditching you.

It's ok to realise that you liked some parts of her and not others - everyone has aspects of their personality that we don't like but it doesn't make them a bad person.

I believe this is called Adaptive Preference Formation, where we dismiss something we previously liked because it is no longer available to us. Far better just to admit that we can't always have the things we want.

[changingmine]

People come and go in our lives. Maybe you two had some nice times though now you're saying you didn't.

In any case, she has moved on and you have realised you don't like her so it's a win win.

[Palatka]

i can understand that Funkbus, but I hadn't really realized just how our friendship has changed. We used to have such lovely times together and she seemed to be such a caring, loving friend and we made each other laugh endlessly. I think I was mourning the loss of that friendship when i found out she'd blocked me.
However, when I thought back over the last year and how one-sided it had become without me even seeing it, I got angry. I admit, I did think "Who the fuck are you to block me after I've spent this last year listening patiently to you bitch and moan about pretty much every aspect of your life?" She's like this with the other friend too.
I talked it through with DH and he just smiled. He'd seen it all coming.

[lovepickledlimes]

@Krampusnolongerbabysits while you might have a point there you do also get people where it is a very one sided relaship and they are happy to make it just about them and their needs until they find they no longer need you to fix things for them etc

[Palatka]

changingmine we did have some great times together. It just changed and she wanted different things from me. I didn't see it.

[FunkBus]

Yes but OP, why have you suddenly just realised this when she blocked you?

You liked parts of her, disliked others. That's normal. If you didn't care about her at all, you wouldn't even give it headspace.

[Krampusnolongerbabysits]

@Palatka I feel sorry for you that you cannot deal with people not fawning over you and expecting everyone to share your unrealistic vision of yourself. You slagged her off right from the start. At least, own it instead of your faux, insincere posts. You are not nearly as nice as you pretend you are. I see through people like you. I have no problem with random strangers not liking me. I am not that insecure that I need their approval. I have some wonderful long term loyal friends that tell me what I need to hear, not paying lip service and humouring me. You started a thread to lash out and vent against a frenemy but were not honest about your true motives. It's ok to feel hurt and bitter etc but don't make out you are being altruistic.

[Palatka]

@FunkBus

Yes but OP, why have you suddenly just realised this when she blocked you?

You liked parts of her, disliked others. That's normal. If you didn't care about her at all, you wouldn't even give it headspace.

She hasn't just blocked me, i've had quite a lot of time to think about it since I found out but i was upset about the friendship i thought i'd lost - the one where we enjoyed each other's company. It's really only been during the course of this thread that I've thought about just how our friendship had changed. I loved the friendship we had prior to last year, i just realized I don't love the friendship that we ended up with.


Krampus, you accused me of needing to have, by proxy, the last word, yet here you are.

It doesn't matter what happened, what i say or what i do. You're determined to tell me how shitty I am. I get it. You can back off now.

[CatAndHisKit]

You aer better off, OP - one thing this thread did is 'open your eyes' as you say. It was clear from your OP that the friendship used to be good but turned sour a while ago.

[GreenlandTheMovie]

Blocking can be very hurtful and I think people who do it are often quite selfish and don't consider this. For whatever reason - perhaps because people who use sm heavily are often not as great at expressing themselves in real life, blocking is advocated frequently on mumsnet as some great catch all solution. It's a bit strange and anti-social.

I think when someone blocks you in the circumstances you have described you should treat it as final. It's such a socially obnoxious thing to do that there's no real way back from it, other than a heartfelt apology which you're not going to get. If she wants to lose friends and treat people badly, that's up to her, but don't waste time worrying about it. She honestly sounds as though she dislikes most people anyway and thars what the real problem is.

I've been blocked by female friends twice. The first was a friend whose boyfriend cheated on her and left her, and I supported her when she was really upset. I wasn't overly involved but I was there for her. One day I realised she had blocked me. No explanation, presumably she associated me with the friendship group we were all formerly part of. When the same thing happened to me, I could have done with her being there for me too.

The second time, a friend I had known since uni and I had a minor difference of opinion on doing sport during lockdown. She made a rude personal comment to me and blocked me.

Both blockings still upset me if I think about them, the former more than the latter, as I realise neither of them obviously liked me very much at all. They're not good people to have as friends.

[pictish]

It’s interesting people here are giving you a hard time and trying to make you the one at fault.
It’s probably because women are conditioned to be giving, patient and emotionally available to others....even if they treat us badly. We’re not supposed to say ‘fuck off then’ and withdraw services.
That’s why you’re the cunt here - you’re not playing the part.

I don’t play the part either. I’m a natural giver too and I’ve learned through experience just as you are. If someone blocks you, it’s a fairly reliable indication that they are finished with you. Don’t be so wet as to moon around waiting for her to get better/come to her senses/get over it...fuck that shit off and find some new pals to have fun with.

[pictish]

“I think when someone blocks you in the circumstances you have described you should treat it as final. It's such a socially obnoxious thing to do that there's no real way back from it, other than a heartfelt apology which you're not going to get. If she wants to lose friends and treat people badly, that's up to her, but don't waste time worrying about it. She honestly sounds as though she dislikes most people anyway and thars what the real problem is.”

Spot on.

[Kilcaple]

@CatAndHisKit

I think it's exactly that - you liking the people and the place while she doesn't and it grates on her. You probably express how happy you are with the place when you chat and it annoys her. Not your fault at all!

And previiouisly she was probably ok with it, but now she's got health issues AND not happy with the place, she possibly just can't take any of this 'happiness' from anyone. And especially if you post various positive stuff on fb, it might annoy her - not you as a person but the posts. She may well get back to you once her health is better (hopefully).
Personally when i'm unwell or worried about smth new, I want to hide or want to talk abouth these issues which I realise is boring for most friends, so easier to hide.

I think this is a fair reading of the situation, but in my case, I absolutely never want to talk about my problems to friends. I withdraw, and don’t want to see or have contact with anyone. I respect it should my friends want similar.

[ElizabethofpeanutYorkies]

"@Palatka I loved the friendship we had prior to last year, i just realized I don't love the friendship that we ended up with".

Your friend has clearly had a bad yr. She felt you were a good friend ,as you once viewed her. I imagine your friend needed more from you this last yr but it did not come. You said yourself you did not like the friendship in the last yr. A genuine friendship should accommodate the rough with the smooth. Your comment above shows you only really like the smooth bits and were not really there for her the last year. She has recognised that. You cannot expect her to remain friends with you when she can see you are "not enjoying it'. As i sad earlier she needed more from you last yr and you decided not to give her more. That is fine. Equally fine she does not want you in her life. She needs a friend, she has identified that is not you.

Your first post says neither of you have "proper" friends where you are. She clearly thought you two were proper friends. Proper friends are not only there for the years/bits they like and enjoy and then disappear for the bad bits. She feels she has been let down by you and has now ended the friendship. If you have no proper friends where you are then you should focus on making some if that is what you want. In saying that, be aware that they may also need support in the yrs to come and if that is not yr bag maybe just having acquaintances will suit you better.

Looks like you and your friend put up with each other equally for too long ,as you both had no one else and it has now gone sour. I personally think your friend has done the right thing,been brave and you are taken aback that she could dare do that. As i also said earlier you do not talk about her in a very respectful way. She has now left you with no "proper" friend. Leave her be, respect her wishes, she is clearly stronger than you thought and will be just fine.

[mummytolittledragons]

Nothing you can do. Just let it go.

[browneyes77]

[quote Krampusnolongerbabysits]@Palatka I feel sorry for you that you cannot deal with people not fawning over you and expecting everyone to share your unrealistic vision of yourself. You slagged her off right from the start. At least, own it instead of your faux, insincere posts. You are not nearly as nice as you pretend you are. I see through people like you. I have no problem with random strangers not liking me. I am not that insecure that I need their approval. I have some wonderful long term loyal friends that tell me what I need to hear, not paying lip service and humouring me. You started a thread to lash out and vent against a frenemy but were not honest about your true motives. It's ok to feel hurt and bitter etc but don't make out you are being altruistic.[/quote]
She did not slag her off from the start.

She merely explained her friends behaviour, which was pertinent to the post to help give some insight into her mindset. She clearly described how hurt she was and that she missed her friend.

Many people have been in a situation where a friend hurts them and initially that hurt drives how they look at things, but once the hurt phase passes and they evaluate things more, they can look at things more objectively and see things they maybe couldn’t see before and can feel angry.

I feel sorry for you that you have such a one dimensional view.

[partyatthepalace]

It’s about her not you.

Try to put her out of your mind and crack on with life. She sounds like a drain.

[CatAndHisKit]

Kilcaple yes I understand- depending on the problem, I too prefer not to talk sometimes. Mostly if I'm scared about something health-wise so would only talk to those who can relate / have knowledge about the issue. Sometimes it's embarassing. But whe nit comes to dating / relatioships I do love to discuss - but am aware that I can get a bt obsessed with an issue and it becomes boring to friends (I do offer to listen obviously, to their stuff).

But if you never talk to ANYONE, I wonder how do you resolve these issues - or do you read on it onlne / forums like this? It really is hard sometimes to resolve smth by yourself if you keep going round in circles.

[Kilcaple]

@CatAndHisKit

Kilcaple yes I understand- depending on the problem, I too prefer not to talk sometimes. Mostly if I'm scared about something health-wise so would only talk to those who can relate / have knowledge about the issue. Sometimes it's embarassing. But whe nit comes to dating / relatioships I do love to discuss - but am aware that I can get a bt obsessed with an issue and it becomes boring to friends (I do offer to listen obviously, to their stuff).

But if you never talk to ANYONE, I wonder how do you resolve these issues - or do you read on it onlne / forums like this? It really is hard sometimes to resolve smth by yourself if you keep going round in circles.

Honestly, no. I know what’s best for me, I mull it over and make my decision. I am surrounded by good friends I could confide in, family, and a fabulous husband, but it’s not my way. Talking things through does not help me in the slightest, and those around me recognise that.

I have occasional bouts of lowness, but experience tells me these pass, so I wait them out. Again, I’m aware of other steps I might take, but this works for me.