Friend blocked me on fB. WWYD

[Palatka]

To start with we're in our 50s, so not kids.

We're both Brits living overseas and were introduced by a mutual friend.

Friend and i hit it off and became good friends even though the mutual friend drifted away. Neither of us have many proper friends here so we used to enjoy getting together whenever we could.

She has a very different attitude to where we live - she always sees problems whereas i have a very positive experience. She can be quite aggressive in some ways. If someone is late paying her DH for work he has done she'll intervene and give them shit without giving him a chance to sort it out first. she always seems to have some crap on her plate.

She's had a few health issues plus some big inheritance issues with her siblings back in her home country. She's talked to me at length about her inheritance problems and I've been as supportive as i can, even though there's not much i can really do.

In november she had to have some follow up tests done and i wished her well and told her to let me know how she got on. I didn't hear back from her so i sent a message asking if she was ok. No reply so i tried calling and left a voicemail.
Not long after she sent me a message saying not to take it personally but she'd had enough of everything so she was stepping away from social media and people for a while. She ended her message with "take care" and i replied "you too x"
Shortly before Christmas i sent her a message just saying i hoped she was doing ok. Although I'd seen her online on FB, and also sharing a post, that message always says it was unread. A few days ago I tried to send her a message but it wouldn't send and i couldn't find her on FB.
i asked another mutual friend if she could see her profile and she could, so i was very obviously blocked.

I'm pretty shocked and really quite upset as she has blocked me right out of the blue - i hadn't tried to contact her for a month.
This is a friend who would offer to go to a medical appointment with me, or who said she was coming to support me (she lives and hour away) when we thought we might lose our house to a natural disaster.

I really don't know why just me, and why now. The other friend had tried to contact her a week or so ago and she just replied that she had a lot on her plate. Mutual friend's subsequent messages have gone unread.
I miss her.

I've toyed with the idea of sending her a letter saying i know she's blocked me but if she ever wants to get back in touch then my door is always open but I'll leave it to her to decide and that I won't bother her again though.
Then I think "fuck her". If she can block me so easily we didn't have the friendship I thought we did and try and forget about her.

So wwyd?

[SnoozyLou]

*blocked you and not your daughter I mean.

[momtoboys]

I'd just leave it. Not much good can come out pf a letter. If she wants to communicate she will. Sometimes things like that happen with friends. It happened to me 20 years ago and I still haven't forgotten it. I still miss her. Not a thing I can do about it.

[Palatka]

@SnoozyLou

No they don't. But they do often do it over some perceived slight when they've put 2 and 2 together and come up with 5 million.

i don't know if you saw my last post before you posted but I think that might be true - she blocked another friend for not paying her for something she bought. I'm not sure my friend actually reminded her to pay or just blocked her, I can't remember what she told me.
So, it may well be that she thinks I've done something that's pissed her off and she's blocked me. Now i've got it off MY chest in my last post, i actually don't care why she blocked me now.

[SnoozyLou]

Hi @Palatka. No, it was a cross post 🙂

If my friend upset me, I'd just say so, and why. If you can't talk about things like that, you're not really friends. I honestly don't know think she's a great loss.

And I'm always wary of people who slate other people in case they turn around and do the same thing to me. Plus life is too short for all that negativity. Onwards and upwards!

[ElizabethofpeanutYorkies]

"i remembered her friend bought something from me. i gave it to my friend who paid me but her friend didn't pay her back, so she blocked her - just like that".

So she blocked someone who ripped her off financially .Yeah, thats one crazy blocking biattch!

"Being totally honest now, she's probably done me a big favour".

Yeah, most people who get blocked say that.

[Palatka]

But wouldn't you remind them to pay you first if they were a friend? Ask once then block? It was about £12 - not an amount I'd lose a friendship over without reminding them first.

Yeah, I do believe she's done me a favour now. I'm supposed to be her friend not her therapist. I have a life to lead too, with problems as well. However i got to this lightbulb moment, i've just realized, i should be more than just someone to sound off to all the time.
Maybe that's it. Maybe i've not said as many soothing words when she's been complaining about situations she makes no effort to improve beyond moaning. Maybe I've not reacted the way she expected to while she was non-stop bitching about absolutely everything and everyone.
I can't remember the last positive conversation we had, where she wasn't complaining. It's draining, actually.
Maybe I wasn't useful enough to her. So what? I have every right to expect a friendship to be a two-way street and it wasn't. I kept my problems to myself so as not to overburden her. That's not a proper friendship so yes, I do now believe she has done me a favour as well as herself

[pictish]

That’s the spirit OP. I think you’re right.

Just about two years ago now, I had a friend of over 10 years, a good friend, whose husband did some work on my house. I had a (mild) disagreement with him over a windowsill and next thing I know, I’m dead to her. Blocked everywhere. I made an honest appeal to her as like you, I was worried about her. Got the same spiel as you did.
Turned out she’s just a shallow twat who has no depth of feeling for anyone, least of all me.
Once the shock had worn off I remembered another three supposedly long term friends she had over the course of knowing her, friends that just suddenly and mysteriously ceased to factor in any way. I didn’t take much note of it at the time but I guess she was perfectly au fait with ditching people on the slightest whim. I never did hear from or see her again.

When it’s like that, you go straight through worry and hurt and end up with no fucks to give pretty quickly.

[changingmine]

@coldsunnydays

From your opening comments I would guess she either understands what you think about her, or just doesn't like how you speak to her when she is low. Maybe you prefer to encourage her to look on the positive side whereas she wants empathy and understanding.
Either way, if I were having a shit time I would not want to be speaking to someone who describes themself and myself in the way you describe yourself and your friend in the opening paragraph. You really don't seem to respect her and seem to consider yourself and your outlook to be superior. Maybe she has always found you quite hard work in this regard and can't cope with you right now.

Exactly.

The OP opens by being incredibly critical about a woman who she describes as a friend, then shares her shock and surprise that the supposedly awful person no longer wants her friendship. Three guesses...

[Palatka]

Looking back today I've realized that I've spent hours listening to my friend moan. Moan about everything. That's pretty much all I've done this last year - listen to her complain about things she has the power to change. i've tried to be supportive rather than critical, even when I thought she was out of order. A bit of a drip-feed (unintentional), when she blocked the other friend over non-payment, it wasn't something that went on for ages, she blocked the other woman within a couple of days, whereas I'd have thought a reminder after a few days would have been more a more appropriate way of handling the matter.
That's all last year was - her moaning at me. Thinking back, it wasn't reciprocated at all. she didn't ask about how I was doing (fucking awful, if she'd asked) but I was trying to be a good friend and be as supportive as i could and not add my shit to her pile.

To those of you who think i've been rude or critical, tell me how to put a positive spin on the last year of this friendship because I'm fucked if I know how.

[TonMoulin]

I think we clung to each other because of our shared citizenship

I think that’s not unusual at all when you live abroad. I’ve had a few ‘friends’ like this before.

[Tumblebugsjump]

Maybe difficult results, she is dealing with it in her way. It's hurtful when people block you out, she's obviously important to you but she does sound hard work.

[SnoozyLou]

@Palatka Exactly. She really isn't worth the concern.

The £12 grudge says it all.

[grapewine]

@TonMoulin

I think we clung to each other because of our shared citizenship

I think that’s not unusual at all when you live abroad. I’ve had a few ‘friends’ like this before.

Same here.

I think this is for the best, OP. I hope you find friendships that are more positive.

[Robotcustard]

I had similar to this last October, OP, I had a friend for roughly 3 years who completely cut me out over one little crossed word. I had spent years listening to her swearing about her ex, bitching about people and just generally her negative attitude and I supported her the best I could as I knew she had been through some hard times. The friendship wasn’t all bad of course, otherwise she wouldn’t have been a friend and we used to have a laugh and a bit of banter. Anyway, it had all started to get a bit much, I started to feel totally drained after being with her and didn’t like who I was when I had been with her. One day she said something passive aggressive about my son that I would usually take on the chin or even end up apologising to her for, but on this occasion I told her it was totally out of order and uncalled for. She hasn’t spoken to me since.

At first I was totally devastated. I lost sleep over it, it was the first thing I thought about when I woke in the morning. It felt like a huge loss. It wasn’t until the Christmas holidays that I started to put everything into perspective and realise it was probably for the best. Hopefully one day I’ll meet new friends.

[changingmine]

@Palatka

Looking back today I've realized that I've spent hours listening to my friend moan. Moan about everything. That's pretty much all I've done this last year - listen to her complain about things she has the power to change. i've tried to be supportive rather than critical, even when I thought she was out of order. A bit of a drip-feed (unintentional), when she blocked the other friend over non-payment, it wasn't something that went on for ages, she blocked the other woman within a couple of days, whereas I'd have thought a reminder after a few days would have been more a more appropriate way of handling the matter.
That's all last year was - her moaning at me. Thinking back, it wasn't reciprocated at all. she didn't ask about how I was doing (fucking awful, if she'd asked) but I was trying to be a good friend and be as supportive as i could and not add my shit to her pile.

To those of you who think i've been rude or critical, tell me how to put a positive spin on the last year of this friendship because I'm fucked if I know how.

That's exactly it. You have nothing positive to say about her or the friendship yet you're shocked she has ended it.

It's as if you can't rest until you've whipped up hatred against her.

This is all in your head. It is you who needs to set and maintain boundaries. And you need to respect boundaries set by others. Like your ex friend telling you to back off and you ignoring. That days a lot about your lack of social skills. Perhaps read up on boundaries and drama triangles. You are painting yourself as a rescuer when sounding very much like a perpetrator and a victim.

[SnoozyLou]

I wouldn't pay much heed to some of the recent comments.

The rot seems to set in at night, with the ooglie booglies twisting everything.

Shut the door, let go, move on.

[AmberItsACertainty]

Gosh do people take Facebook that seriously? I delete or block people all the time. It doesn't necessarily mean I hate them.

Usually it's because they posted something on their page which showed up in my newsfeed and it's not the sort of thing I want to see. Like people who posted pics of animal abuse help this charity type of thing. Or constantly posting pics of lost dogs when we don't live in the same area. I know there's other ways to not see what's on their news feed but if I don't like what they post what's the point of having them linked to my Facebook?

I often block anybody who wastes my time on selling sites, because I won't remember their name and don't want to interact with them again.

If I'm needing some peace and quiet for a few months I'll block those people who send lots of messages "hope you're ok", "really concerned please reply" etc putting pressure on quite unnecessarily for no reason, it's just because I want some alone time! Also the ones who can't put much effort into being friends (fine) but who then are quick to message when they want something eg help, advice, money. Can't be doing with it when I'm needing some peace, I'm too helpful and not easily able to ignore.

I'm happy to unblock and refriend later when I'm more available. Facebook is a tool for me, it's not a barometer of how much I love you or a serious method of staying in touch. I might not log on for months at a time. All my real friends have my phone number.

[Palatka]

Changingmine, I’m missing something here, so you tell me the positives.

For the last year a friend has talked at me about everything she perceives is wrong. She didn’t ask me how I was, she didn’t care, she just wanted to talk about how shit her life was while I sat there trying to say the right things, even when I had my own problems. I listened to her. I can only see this now.

I had some major upset in my life last year but she has no idea about it because she was never interested enough in my life to ask how I was.
And because I’m such an awful friend I decided not to burden her with it because she had enough to deal with.

So go on then, tell me what the positives are.

As for whipping up hatred against her, that’s ridiculous. What does it matter what anyone on here thinks about her? I don’t hate her, I’ve just realized that this friendship wasn’t what I thought it was and that I was probably just being used.

[changingmine]

You've described it so well. You actively dislike being with this woman, and without a doubt she is aware of this, yet you are surprised that she has ended the friendship.

What is it you want? A friendship with someone you do not like or respect?

I suspect you enjoy feeling superior to her, you enjoy the drama triangle, pinging between rescuer and victim. Lots of people do, it can make life seem interesting. But once you break out of it life is so much more enjoyable. You know who your friends are and you enjoy a depth of friendship rather than lurch from drama to drama.

It might be worth a try, you might find you don't miss her at all and that other more healthy friendships become more attractive.

[Palatka]

Changingmine, when I started this thread I felt very different to how I do now.
Yes, maybe you’re right and she has picked up something negative from me. I’m not sure I would say dislike because I’m not sure that’s accurate. When I first posted I was worried for her and upset that she’d blocked me - wondering where the hell I went wrong as a friend when I thought I was being the friend she wanted me to be.
I don’t know what suddenly changed in me today but I feel as if a weight has been lifted. I don’t enjoy the drama, I don’t have the time or inclination.
Yeah, I am sick of her constant negativity and maybe I’m a bad friend for thinking that and she’s possibly aware of it, but by the same token she’s only interested in her own world and in the past year has not expressed any interest in my life or my problems so that makes her a bad friend too.
I don’t know why this has suddenly occurred to me, why I didn’t see it before, and why I tried to keep this friendship going when I was flogging a dead horse the whole time. She didn’t value our friendship at all.

[carlywurly]

Op, I had a friend who was always falling out with others, there was usually some drama. She was lovely, funny and warm to be around, but there was always an edge of unpredictability.

It was always written in the stars that she'd do that with me eventually. Took about 8 years before she eventually blocked me for, I think, not going vegan with her. The irony was that she'd eaten meat until about 6 months earlier and I never have in the time she's known me (and never judged her, or anyone else!)

I was never sure If she was narcissistic or had other issues at play. I missed her a lot initially and rarely think of her now. It's a relief not treading on eggshells.

Move on and leave her to it.

[Palatka]

Yeah that kind of resonates with me, carly.

Thinking back, she's told me of quite a few people she's gone off the deep end with.
If someone was late paying her husband for the work he did she'd either be round there or on the phone to them reading them the riot act before he even got a chance to sort it out himself.

[Krampusnolongerbabysits]

There can be something incredibly passive-agressive and nasty about a super positive hun bot type of person. I'd love to hear the other side, as I reckon that you are a smug, rather self-centred person. she asked you to leave her alone and you clearly ignored her request. Instead, it is all about you. I'd have blocked someone with your attitude too.

[lovepickledlimes]

@Krampusnolongerbabysits I think that is a bit harsh. None of those messages expected a reply back. I think it was just a way to let the person know 'hey still thinking of you, I am here any time you need me or want to chat'

[Krampusnolongerbabysits]

@lovepickledlimes I beg to differ! When someone wants to be left alone and asks for some time alone, any form of contact can still be stressful and burdensome, not to mention really oversteps boundaries. OP seems to want to be the wonderful, good friend and it comes across more about PR for her saintly self on this thread. She really isn't kind about this person and keeps posting some rather nasty, negative stuff while bigging herself up as the nice, caring person. I've come across her ilk. And if people are habitually late or do not pay her DH, then it more than understandable that she would be angry. That’s their livelihood! I would absolutely loathe someone that reacts to any rants or letting off steams with the kind of “Oh but it is so nice for me” passive-aggressive stuff. Reading further between the lines of your blatant character assassination of her, it is quite obvious that you are in reality far from supportive and utterly self-centred. Leave her alone!