Friend blocked me on fB. WWYD

[Palatka]

To start with we're in our 50s, so not kids.

We're both Brits living overseas and were introduced by a mutual friend.

Friend and i hit it off and became good friends even though the mutual friend drifted away. Neither of us have many proper friends here so we used to enjoy getting together whenever we could.

She has a very different attitude to where we live - she always sees problems whereas i have a very positive experience. She can be quite aggressive in some ways. If someone is late paying her DH for work he has done she'll intervene and give them shit without giving him a chance to sort it out first. she always seems to have some crap on her plate.

She's had a few health issues plus some big inheritance issues with her siblings back in her home country. She's talked to me at length about her inheritance problems and I've been as supportive as i can, even though there's not much i can really do.

In november she had to have some follow up tests done and i wished her well and told her to let me know how she got on. I didn't hear back from her so i sent a message asking if she was ok. No reply so i tried calling and left a voicemail.
Not long after she sent me a message saying not to take it personally but she'd had enough of everything so she was stepping away from social media and people for a while. She ended her message with "take care" and i replied "you too x"
Shortly before Christmas i sent her a message just saying i hoped she was doing ok. Although I'd seen her online on FB, and also sharing a post, that message always says it was unread. A few days ago I tried to send her a message but it wouldn't send and i couldn't find her on FB.
i asked another mutual friend if she could see her profile and she could, so i was very obviously blocked.

I'm pretty shocked and really quite upset as she has blocked me right out of the blue - i hadn't tried to contact her for a month.
This is a friend who would offer to go to a medical appointment with me, or who said she was coming to support me (she lives and hour away) when we thought we might lose our house to a natural disaster.

I really don't know why just me, and why now. The other friend had tried to contact her a week or so ago and she just replied that she had a lot on her plate. Mutual friend's subsequent messages have gone unread.
I miss her.

I've toyed with the idea of sending her a letter saying i know she's blocked me but if she ever wants to get back in touch then my door is always open but I'll leave it to her to decide and that I won't bother her again though.
Then I think "fuck her". If she can block me so easily we didn't have the friendship I thought we did and try and forget about her.

So wwyd?

[OldEvilOwl]

Not long after she sent me a message saying not to take it personally but she'd had enough of everything so she was stepping away from social media and people for a while. She ended her message with "take care" and i replied "you too x"

She has asked you to give her space so you need to respect that. Stop trying to contact her

[coldsunnydays]

From your opening comments I would guess she either understands what you think about her, or just doesn't like how you speak to her when she is low. Maybe you prefer to encourage her to look on the positive side whereas she wants empathy and understanding.
Either way, if I were having a shit time I would not want to be speaking to someone who describes themself and myself in the way you describe yourself and your friend in the opening paragraph. You really don't seem to respect her and seem to consider yourself and your outlook to be superior. Maybe she has always found you quite hard work in this regard and can't cope with you right now.

[SnoozyLou]

Hanging onto stroppy friends just because you share some geographical history is a total waste of energy and will just drag you down with them.

^This

[VettiyaIruken]

"wwyd?"

I'd do absolutely nothing.

[TheNoodlesIncident]

You are unlikely to make anything worse by reaching out - she already isn't contacting you, and you don't know if she will be back in touch in the future. So there's nothing to lose by just sending a friendly message saying "I'm a bit worried about you and I really hope you're OK. I miss our times together. I'm always here if you ever want to talk abotu anything, at all, I can listen" etc etc. Sometimes when people are in a very bad way mentally and withdraw, they will push people away and they actually need someone to come to them.

OP has reached out, despite her friend asking her not to, and now she's been blocked.

It isn't about what OP needs, whether that's clarity, solace or feeling better about herself because she's shown she cares (not that I think this is what OP's about). OP's mate has asked for no contact, she must feel she needs that. I do think it will make things worse if she persists, because she would be going against direct requests. Whatever the motivation behind contact, her friend doesn't want it; why force it on her?

[Cheeseandwin5]

I was wondering if she had done what I did, that is come off FB and occasionally go back on to see whats going on ( anything important) and maybe wish the odd person Happy Birthday etc.
But after reading other peoples comments , I sort of agree with some, where this person has told you she wants a break and you have ignored her wishes and kept badgering her.
I can understand you want to be their for her but part of that must be to support her by doing what she asks.
I had a friend in a similar situation, who had lost a close family member, and I used to send a simple message every month, saying no need to reply , just a message to say I am thinking of you.
After about 6 months she did and thanked me. Even now I make no demands, she knows I am there for her and I know she will call me when she is ready.
I think maybe your own needs are clouding what your friend wants and has expressy asked for

[rainbowdashsneeze]

Are you sure she has blocked you and not deleted fb?

[SnoozyLou]

You are unlikely to make anything worse by reaching out

I think the opposite.

The friend told OP not to contact her and has gone as far as blocking her. I think any further contact from OP would be borderline (or just outright) harassment, even with the best of intentions. I might do it for a close relative I was worried about but not a short lived friendship.

OP, I think you're very kind but I wouldn't lose anymore sleep over it. You clearly want to be a good friend but this person isn't being a good friend to you. I see a lot of concern from you about her. That doesn't seem to be reciprocated at all.

It isn't you, it's her - she's told you that. I would let her go. I don't actually think she's treated you very well - she may have her reasons - but I wouldn't be too impressed, truth be told.

[AmelieTaylor]

@Palatka

I would send her a card/note. It's less demanding' than online stuff. I have a distant cousin & we write to each other. It's nice & far less pressure

Just say that you miss her & that you're there for her if she needs you then leave it x

[MintyMabel]

I would send her a card/note. It's less demanding' than online stuff. I have a distant cousin & we write to each other. It's nice & far less pressure

She has blocked the OP. She clearly doesn't want any contact from her. Why on earth would you think sending a card would be appropriate.

If I block someone on FB it is nearly always because I don't want to see the crap they are posting.

[FlyNow]

Sorry this happened OP, I'd be hurt too. What would I do though? Nothing. I wouldn't chase after her and beg. I'd respect her decision and try to forget about her.

[Palatka]

I get it, I read the situation completely wrong. I care about her and was worried about her. My intention was to let her know I cared for her and was still here if she wanted or needed me. I get now that I should have just left it (and definitely not asked her a question). I got it wrong. Lesson learned I guess.

However... you do say she was a friend who would drop everything and be by your side just like that. I wonder if you overstepped the mark with that? Perhaps you just wanted more support from her than she felt she could offer?
Ive never asked any thing of her. When I was in a scary situation she called me and told me she was coming to be with me. I told her I had plenty of local support and would be fine.

@rainbowdashsneeze she’s still on FB. My daughter and other friend can still see her profile, just me who can’t.

When she moans about the local people I just smile, nod and say as little as possible (I’m married to a local). I don’t try and minimize her complaints or tell her how wonderful things are for me. We have completely different lives here, its not for me to tell her she’s wrong.

[Palatka]

Oh, and for what it’s worth, she’s actually been here years longer than me

[ElizabethofpeanutYorkies]

"@Palatka I'm pretty shocked and really quite upset as she has blocked me right out of the blue - i hadn't tried to contact her for a month.
This is a friend who would offer to go to a medical appointment with me, or who said she was coming to support me (she lives and hour away) when we thought we might lose our house to a natural disaster. "

I wonder if it is tied up in all this somehow. ⬆️ She lives an hour away. Maybe you demanded more of her without realising. She has said she has a lot on her plate so i would leave it. I would not challenge this now. She has blocked for a reason so let it lie.

[Palatka]

As I’ve said before, I haven’t asked this of her.

She’s offered without me asking, I’ve declined. My point was that she was the kind of friend who would do this, not that I’ve asked or expected it of her.

[ElizabethofpeanutYorkies]

"When she moans about the local people I just smile, nod and say as little as possible (I’m married to a local). I don’t try and minimize her complaints or tell her how wonderful things are for me. We have completely different lives here, its not for me to tell her she’s wrong."

Her experience of where you are is different. Maybe she is just closing down a little to take some time to re evaluate. You have just said you have different lives there. Your life there is "wonderful", hers may be not. You have said she "moans". She may see her "moaning" as expressing how she feels.

She has blocked you, respect that and move on. This thread is all and more about your need to know why and none about respecting your friends actions. She obviously had her reasons.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

I don't think ONE message a month after the "stepping away" message constitutes "badgering". With it coming up to Christmas, and not having heard from the friend in qu, I think lots of us would have sent a "thinking of you" message to a very good friend who you knew was having a lot of life issues.

Responding to that with blocking is just rude, really.

It's just possible that she's annoyed that you haven't "been there" for her - you did try to contact her, she didn't respond, but that might not have been enough for her.

My sister has a bar that she sets for her friends - they don't know about it, but if they fall below that bar, she drops them and considers that "the friendship" wasn't important enough to them, so it's over. She's very generous with her time, her money and everything else - BUT she expects the same in return, and if she doesn't get it, then BAM. Friendship over.

So maybe your friend is like my sister - just another possibility. As a hint, my sister doesn't forgive and forget - once it's done, it's done.

[ElizabethofpeanutYorkies]

"As I’ve said before, I haven’t asked this of her.
She’s offered without me asking, I’ve declined. My point was that she was the kind of friend who would do this, not that I’ve asked or expected it of her".

She sounded like a nice friend. Perhaps you could have interpreted her "moaning" as frustration and off loading and a need for support. She clearly feels the friendship was not working for her. Some of your posts ,when describing your friend ,come across as rude about her.

She no longer wants you in her life. Respect that. You no longer have to listen to her moaning!

[Palatka]

ThumbWitches, that did occur to me.

I did wonder if there was a cry for help in there somewhere and I missed it, and therefore failed as a friend. I don’t suppose I’ll ever know now.

[ElizabethofpeanutYorkies]

"@Palatka did wonder if there was a cry for help in there somewhere and I missed it, and therefore failed as a friend".

⬆️ This. I think the penny has just dropped with you. Leave her alone and don't send any passive aggressive, why have you blocked me msgs. Learn from this and move on.

[Palatka]

Perhaps you could have interpreted her "moaning" as frustration and off loading and a need for support

And I listened. I didn’t argue with her, I let her get it off her chest.

I’m trying to be as honest as I can. If I come across as rude, then so be it.

[Palatka]

[quote ElizabethofpeanutYorkies]"@Palatka did wonder if there was a cry for help in there somewhere and I missed it, and therefore failed as a friend".

⬆️ This. I think the penny has just dropped with you. Leave her alone and don't send any passive aggressive, why have you blocked me msgs. Learn from this and move on. [/quote]
That’s not what I meant at all.

[ElizabethofpeanutYorkies]

"@Palatka I didn’t argue with her, I let her get it off her chest."

Why would even consider arguing with her when she is moaning confiding in you. What an odd thing to say.

Just let it go. People don't block people for no reason. She clearly has her reasons. You keep coming back, defending what you did and said. None of us can answer as we cannot spk for your friend. She has her reasons. What she thought was a friendly ear and possible advice to follow was you "letting her get it off her chest". Perhaps she needed you to take a stand, do something, take an action??

She has blocked you. Just leave it and make other friends.

[Palatka]

Right, I've had a bit of an "aha!" moment.

I'm probably going to come across as a right cunt, but hey ho.

I've tried to be as gentle as i can in my post but I've realized the friendship wasn't right for both of us. I think we clung to each other because of our shared citizenship. We used to have great times together but not for the past year or two.

Being totally honest now, she's probably done me a big favour. I'm actually tired of her moaning. She has nothing nice to say about this place or the people. It's all about how much she hates it here, how much she hates the people, how everyone is always out to rip you off, fuck you about, take advantage of you - experiences I really can't relate to.
She would contact me to bitch about who's trying to screw her over now, and what a cunt they were. i remembered her friend bought something from me. i gave it to my friend who paid me but her friend didn't pay her back, so she blocked her - just like that. I'd forgotten about that but it now makes me less shocked about her blocking me.
As I mentioned previously, she hates it here, refuses to apply for citizenship but also doesn't want to move back to her/our home country.

WRT the shit going on with her siblings, she told me all about it. She'd send pages and pages of messages to me going through it all, or when we'd get together talk about it. I couldn't offer any practical advice, but i would listen. It was a very confusing situation and I struggled to understand it at times so i'd ask questions, often to be told she didn't want to talk about it any more.

Yes, we'd had great times, yes she was a great friend who'd be there for me, but thinking about it, that was 2/3/4 years ago. The last year at least has just been her getting stuff off her chest/moaning/whatever. I've realized i haven't done the same to her. Even last year when my world seemed to be on the verge of turning upside-down I didn't turn to her because I thought she had enough on her plate.

So yeah, she's no friend to me either so no, i won't be contacting her again or sending her a card or letter. It's over.

[SnoozyLou]

Just let it go. People don't block people for no reason.

No they don't. But they do often do it over some perceived slight when they've put 2 and 2 together and come up with 5 million.

The fact that she's blocked you and your daughter is weird. Almost seems attention seeking. Like those posts you see where someone is doing a cull, and anyone who doesn't cut the mustard will be toast. Well go on then. Bugger off.

I'm not sure about all the complicated theorising about this terrible slight OP allegedly committed. I don't see any basis for that. Just a bit of a drama queen who isn't worth your time.

I wouldn't beat yourself up for reaching out. You were just trying to show support and be a friend. She hasn't done either for you so I'd close that chapter with a clear conscience.