Friend blocked me on fB. WWYD

[Palatka]

To start with we're in our 50s, so not kids.

We're both Brits living overseas and were introduced by a mutual friend.

Friend and i hit it off and became good friends even though the mutual friend drifted away. Neither of us have many proper friends here so we used to enjoy getting together whenever we could.

She has a very different attitude to where we live - she always sees problems whereas i have a very positive experience. She can be quite aggressive in some ways. If someone is late paying her DH for work he has done she'll intervene and give them shit without giving him a chance to sort it out first. she always seems to have some crap on her plate.

She's had a few health issues plus some big inheritance issues with her siblings back in her home country. She's talked to me at length about her inheritance problems and I've been as supportive as i can, even though there's not much i can really do.

In november she had to have some follow up tests done and i wished her well and told her to let me know how she got on. I didn't hear back from her so i sent a message asking if she was ok. No reply so i tried calling and left a voicemail.
Not long after she sent me a message saying not to take it personally but she'd had enough of everything so she was stepping away from social media and people for a while. She ended her message with "take care" and i replied "you too x"
Shortly before Christmas i sent her a message just saying i hoped she was doing ok. Although I'd seen her online on FB, and also sharing a post, that message always says it was unread. A few days ago I tried to send her a message but it wouldn't send and i couldn't find her on FB.
i asked another mutual friend if she could see her profile and she could, so i was very obviously blocked.

I'm pretty shocked and really quite upset as she has blocked me right out of the blue - i hadn't tried to contact her for a month.
This is a friend who would offer to go to a medical appointment with me, or who said she was coming to support me (she lives and hour away) when we thought we might lose our house to a natural disaster.

I really don't know why just me, and why now. The other friend had tried to contact her a week or so ago and she just replied that she had a lot on her plate. Mutual friend's subsequent messages have gone unread.
I miss her.

I've toyed with the idea of sending her a letter saying i know she's blocked me but if she ever wants to get back in touch then my door is always open but I'll leave it to her to decide and that I won't bother her again though.
Then I think "fuck her". If she can block me so easily we didn't have the friendship I thought we did and try and forget about her.

So wwyd?

[ravenmum]

Like you, I'm in my 50s, Brit living abroad, got local citizenship now, pretty much at peace with the local population.

I have other expat friends. Some are very vocal about what they don't like here, or about how living here has affected their lives. My personal way of coping is to try to be positive: for me, focusing on the negative would bring me over the edge into depression. However, I know that this Pollyanna approach is not for everyone - some people feel better when they have the chance to snipe a bit and get things off their chest. And I know that when they are having a good whinge, the last thing they want to hear is me saying "Yes, but", voicing my opinion that actually we are not that different after all or any other such annoying comments as if I was some kind of saint. So I mainly try to keep my mouth shut. But I can't actually join in their complaining - as I say, it would bring me down too much. I wouldn't be surprised if they still see me as rather too positive for their taste. Could it be that your friend also sees you as a Pollyanna type, and can't handle any positivity at the moment, what with her health crisis?

Having said that, when I broke up with my husband and was feeling at my worst, I simply didn't want to speak to anyone, positive or negative. Making conversation on a regular basis was too much for me. I'd look online or even take part in a discussion occasionally, but only when I felt like it. I felt like a different person and didn't want to keep up polite chat with old friends as if nothing had happened - but neither did I want to talk to them about how I was feeling.

[wildraisins]

It sounds like she has turned inward like you say.

A lot of people are saying to leave well alone and step back - I can totally see why - but also you are worried about her.

It does sound like you had a genuinely good friendship that wasn't full of drama or one sided. That makes me question why she is suddenly pushing you away, and perhaps worry a bit about her mental health.

To offer a different perspective to others on this thread.... I really think even though she is pushing you away, she might be in a very poor emotional state, and she might actually need someone to reach out.

You are unlikely to make anything worse by reaching out - she already isn't contacting you, and you don't know if she will be back in touch in the future. So there's nothing to lose by just sending a friendly message saying "I'm a bit worried about you and I really hope you're OK. I miss our times together. I'm always here if you ever want to talk abotu anything, at all, I can listen" etc etc. Sometimes when people are in a very bad way mentally and withdraw, they will push people away and they actually need someone to come to them.

If she doesn't respond, that's OK, but at least you know that she knows you are there whenever she wants to come back.

Who knows what is actually going on with her - but my spidey sense is telling me something isn't quite right with her.

[Whichname98]

I'd leave her be, OP. You sound a good friend and it isn't nice to be blocked. I really think she has a lot going on behind the scenes and she needs space. It's not personal to you. She's told you she needs time out so I'd respect that.

[peak2021]

Leave it. Think also whether you should leave Facebook in general.

[MimiDaisy11]

I don't think it's personal. She clearly has something going on. Sometimes it can be tiring to reply to lots of messages asking how you're doing especially if medical or mental health issues aren't going well. When you wrote to her she might have been having a particularly bad day.

I really wouldn't listen to the advice about writing a letter. I think that would be ignored and could seem intrusive since she's made her feelings known about wanting to be alone. She'll also know you have realised you can't contact her on facebook so could seem awkward.

Also on the issue of Facebook, did you check subsequent days if she's on your friends' list. I know I've deactivated my account for a few weeks or days and for my friends it would appear that I've defriended them or blocked them.

[pictish]

@peak2021

Leave it. Think also whether you should leave Facebook in general.

Why should OP leave Facebook in general?

[pictish]

“I don’t think it’s personal”

She has blocked the OP specifically.
It’s personal.

[ravenmum]

She's also ignored their mutual friend's messages, having sent her the same message saying she wasn't up to conversation.

[wildraisins]

@pictish

“I don’t think it’s personal”

She has blocked the OP specifically.
It’s personal.

Possibly it is, possibly it isn't.

It might be that the mutual friend thought OP was the most likely person to try and approach her as opposed to others she is less close to, so didn't bother blocking them.

It might be that she really valued the friendship with OP and she is beating herself up and thinking she doesn't deserve it, so has done it to harm herself.

We just can't know what's going on in someone else's head. Maybe it's none of those things... but maybe it is.

That's why OP I think if you want to reach out and you are concerned, you should. As long as you are OK with the fact that she might keep pushing you away. It has to be about her and not about you.

[Roussette]

Let it be. Leave her alone. She has said quite nicely why she doesn't want to be in contact... she's just stepping back.

However... you do say she was a friend who would drop everything and be by your side just like that. I wonder if you overstepped the mark with that? Perhaps you just wanted more support from her than she felt she could offer?

That is not meant as a criticism, I am sure you supported her too, but in her head maybe she felt it was one sided.

[Calmandmeasured1]

In November/December she sent me a message saying not to take it personally but she'd had enough of everything so she was stepping away from social media and people for a while.

Shortly before Christmas i sent her a message just saying i hoped she was doing ok.
She'd already told you she was stepping back from social media and people so why do this?

A few days ago I tried to send her a message
Why? Just why would you send her another message when she has basically asked you not to? Maybe she blocked you because you already sent her a message and ignored her wishes?

She doesn't want to be in contact with you (and other people too) for a while and did ask you not to take it personally. You have exercised no respect for her wishes. You have decided that your needs/wishes trump hers. I know you don't understand why she feels she wants to step back and perhaps want an explanation but you don't have a right to know.

I would not write her a letter because that would be compounding the issue of contacting her against her wishes. I'd concentrate on trying to make other friends and be happy. You never know, you might find life is better without someone who is negative, aggressive and a drama queen around.

[SeasonFinale]

I guess some of it may depend on where you live and what types of things you post on FB. Eg. if the place abroad is the US and you keep posting a lot of pro Trump, the dems stole the election and that type of nonsense I might block you too.

[schnubbins]

This happened to me in what sounds like exactly the same situation only for the fact that I was the one who needed a bit of moral support after a very ,very difficult year.I had always been the one that helped her but she ran for the hills when I was the one in trouble.I waited for a time to see if she would contact me .She didn't and eventually blocked me on Facebook.It has made me sad also and I miss her too but I cannot change it.Does make me wonder though .

[TonMoulin]

I think she has a lot on her plate you dint know about.
You say her ways to deal with things aren’t always the most helpful. This might well be the case here too. She might also struggle with the fact you are clearly well settled there/happy and she isn’t.

I don’t think you can do anything there. One message after a month isn’t hounding her. Nor is it not respecting her wishes.

I wouldn’t expect her to stay much longer in that country whereas you are clearly there for the long run. I’d try to make friends with other people and see if she is contacting you again. (Or you end up meeting at mutual friends etc...)

[gamerchick]

Christ, take a hint OP. It's done, leave her alone.

[TTCPLEASE]

This happened to my mum her best friend of 25+ years we used to spend Christmas together stayed at each other houses every other month my mum spent 2 weeks with her when her mum died and was there when her mum died.. fast forward a few years and (didn't block her because they didn't do SM) but started being 'off' when my mum would visit such as not offering a drink/ saying oh were going out soon hinting my mum to leave. Then not speaking on phone would let her daughter speak to her instead. Then stop contacting altogether. My mum still sent cards at birthday Christmas etc. We went to see her and her daughter when her daughter had a baby it was such a bad atmosphere. Then when i had a baby about 6 months after that she sent a card never came to see baby. (Only live 20 mins away) mum sent a letter in the end no response. Nothing had happened at all to cause this. It seems she decided one day she no longer wanted to be friends. People can be arseholes i would move on OP x

[Chickychickydodah]

Sounds like your better off without her tbh, she obviously has problems in her life. Let her get on with it .

[Serendipity79]

OP I thought I'd offer up my experience of being in your friends shoes to see if it helped... I had a friend who I was helping a lot with emotional support after her relationship broke down. She needed particular help with a legal process that I knew a fair bit about and it involved me writing letters for her, and making sure she understood the process.

Midway through this I got poorly, I had to have some tests and it took a few weeks for the hospital to understand what it was that was causing my illness. I messaged and said I needed to take some time out because getting better had to be my focus, there was no immediate urgency with her situation, there were a few months before the next stage, and I had to prioritise so I said I needed space to recover and get used to my medications etc so I would message her when I felt better.

27 messages came through in 4 days. At least 10 of them referenced the fact that I'd asked for space but all of them had the same comment on them "I need to tell you this detail now while its in my head but you don't need to do anything with it today" I got to the stage where I actually turned my phone off for 3 days to escape the pinging. I really didn't want to upset her but I totally lost it when after getting no response off me for those 3 days she contacted a mutual friend, and my adult daughter to ask them to check on me because I wasn't responding to her.

I had no choice but to hit the block button because I was so upset that I wasn't allowed just a few days to get better - she seemed to think her need to contact me trumped my need to stay under my duvet, and shut the world out. Its a more extreme example than your situation but perhaps your friend just felt that you weren't respecting her wishes by contacting her again especially if she's having medical tests and struggling in general

[HighSpecWhistle]

@palatka

You're still assuming a lot of things and not really respecting what she's said to you. Why does it matter who else she's blocked? Blocked, ignoring? It's all the same thing. She can't cope with the communication at the moment.

Relax and concentrate on yourself.

[BigPaperBag]

It’s so hurtful when it’s a friend isn’t it? I’d say in some ways it’s more hurtful than a boyfriend/husband because you often don’t get closure. Can you tell this has happened to me?!! I eventually worked out that it really wasn’t me. She then admitted to a mutual friend that she was jealous of me 🤔 and couldn’t bear to be around me once my life started to get better than hers (I’d always been the sad friend) Could it be something like that?

[SpicyChickpeas]

Some people are just strange.

I saw one of my friends about a year ago and stopped for a chat and she actually totally bizarrely. Her DH just stood there and looked really surprised at her reaction to seeing me. The next time I saw her I went to say hello she turned to her friend, said something and they both gave me a cats bum smile.

I cannot think of one thing I have said/ done to upset her.

The next time I see her I am not even going to bother and just completely blank her. I'm 50's too and I can't be doing with the bother.

[thepeopleversuswork]

I think people are being a tad harsh here and assuming that you're pestering her: I may be wrong but I'm not getting that from your post.

But the reality is that you can't force someone to want to be an active friend and if they put boundaries up for whatever reason you have to respect that.

It's impossible to know whether you've done something which has actively pissed her off or whether you are just an innocent bystander in a minor crisis in her life. It sounds like the latter: she is clearly unhappy and overwhelmed and taking some time out which may be what she needs.

Either way, you won't gain anything by pushing this at the moment. Let her retreat and do what she needs to do. You've made it clear that you are there for her if she needs you. All you can do now is stand back and hope she's OK.

[VintageStitchers]

Why are you so keen to stay friends, she sounds awful? You’re not responsible for sorting out her problems.

I live abroad and to be honest, you do come across the odd ex-pat Brit who loves to think they’re somehow superior by dint of birth, deluded individuals that they are.

However, I’d quickly ditch anyone that has an ‘us’ and ‘them’ mentality about the country you’re living in. It’s hardly going to help you settle in your new life, is it?

Why not focus on making new friends, especially with local people?

Hanging onto stroppy friends just because you share some geographical history is a total waste of energy and will just drag you down with them.

[thepeopleversuswork]

Hanging onto stroppy friends just because you share some geographical history is a total waste of energy and will just drag you down with them.

This is also a very good point. Her attitude to her adopted country sounds pretty pig ignorant. Its understandable when people find adapting hard but there comes a point where you have to either embrace it to some degree or throw in the towel.

[TheVanguardSix]

You're being blocked because she can't cope with the interraction that comes with contact. Whether it's one message or several is a moot point. She wants to be left alone... by you, by others. And all you can do now is leave her alone. She's made her stance clear. And it's not a nice one. But all you can do is back off and just carry on with your own life.