To not be ashamed of being a teen mother?

[Cash02]

I’m worked up tonight, I saw another thread on a woman annoyed at a teen couples pregnancy (I won’t go into detail as to not highjack that thread, but if you saw me, hello)

I’m a teenage mother, became pregnant at 17, gave birth at 18. I’m with the father.

Everyone in that thread saying things like ‘poor baby’ and basically calling them idiots really upset me.

I feel I’m just as capable of loving a baby just as any 30 year old woman, comments like that make teen parents feel like terrible parents, and that our babies are better of without us.

I love how everyone is against ‘mum shaming’ until that mother is under the age of 20, the double standard is absolutely shocking.

Am I being stupid and should I just accept that I’m an awful evil mother?

I wouldn't be ashamed if my dc became teen parents but I would hope they have more ambitions for themselves than becoming a teen mum/ dad.

I haven’t read the thread and I don’t think teen mums should be ashamed. However, the reason society doesn’t view teen parenthood as ideal is generally because babies need more than just love- they need a mature parent with life experience who can provide for them. A teenager is unable to financially provide for a baby and then child. Having children young often means they’ve drastically reduced their earning potential whilst the child is growing up. Yes, a teenager could take on low paid work supplemented with UC, but that’s still at a net cost to society. If we all had children before we could pay our own way, society would fall apart.

Fufumuji why doesn’t a teen mother deserve respect? Should we not as a society pull away from judgment of other people?

If a teen mother is capable of loving and taking care of a child why shouldn’t she be respected? Why do people buy so heavily in to stigmas and what is deemed ‘respectable’ in society? People should just mind their own bloody business.

I will support whatever choices she makes in life , within reason, and it was something that happened , that she wanted, if she was happy, then I would support her, and continue supporting her I definitely wouldn't make her feel like it's the end of the world. I wouldn't persuade her to have a child young, I'd tell her to wait if she ever asked about these things but that's because she is my daughter, if it happened then you may as well get on with it. It might not be ideal for everyone, but it was for me, I personally wanted a child "young" and I did, and it's worked out well for me. I felt ready and I was.
Just because some young people don't have good stories about young pregnancy and children doesn't mean every young person is the same X

@pinkgin8

I had my first at 17, second one is on the way due July at 21. Would do it all over again any day and wouldn't have it any other way.

Really? You wouldn't have it any other way? Not even having a bit more life experience or experiences before having children? Give it time. Give it time. I had my first at 18, second at 23. Not until I was around 28 did I start to feel like I had missed out on being young and free. I went from being under my parents roof and having to live by their rules, to being solely responsible for a child, working, studying and not really having a life outside of that. While friends from college and work were going out for drinks, going to gigs, parties, weekends away, meeting guys and going on dates, going on holidays abroad on their own for the first time. I was going home to clean a house, do washings, cook dinner, do bath and bedtime, being woken up early in the morning and spending any days off doing kids activities. All lovely, but not really living it up at 19/20. I absolutely adore my son, he's 13 this year and I wouldn't change HIM for the world, but I would certainly change when I had him if I could.

@tara671

I haven’t read the thread and I don’t think teen mums should be ashamed. However, the reason society doesn’t view teen parenthood as ideal is generally because babies need more than just love- they need a mature parent with life experience who can provide for them. A teenager is unable to financially provide for a baby and then child. Having children young often means they’ve drastically reduced their earning potential whilst the child is growing up. Yes, a teenager could take on low paid work supplemented with UC, but that’s still at a net cost to society. If we all had children before we could pay our own way, society would fall apart.

Tara many adult families rely on UC. Wages are shit what ever age you are.

Why does a 30 year old mother who uses UC for top up deserve more respect than a 17 year old who uses top up?

Maybe employers need to stop taking the piss and pay people correctly for the work they do instead of paying less because of age.

I was a young mum and met a lot of other young mum, most of them late teens, when my little one was a baby. 9 years on and a fair few of them have done really well- married to the dad, happy comfortable home and family life that isn’t much to different to older parents. These were all the girls who weren’t from deprived backgrounds in the first place though.

There were other girls who honestly had no aspirations beyond having a baby young and didn’t think or see what else life had to offer. They had no GCSEs or career plan even before they’d become pregnant, and generally it was the norm in their families to have your first baby before 20. Often their mums and sisters and cousins had done the same. So the point about affluent teens being more likely to abort is interesting. Others have put about teenage parents missing out on things like uni, travel, gap years and careers- for a lot of these girls from really deprived areas and backgrounds that just isn’t something that’s ever on their radar anyway nor do they see many others living that lifestyle. I think a lot of it really is tied up class differences and inequality.

There are lots of people who are from an older generation who think that being a teen mum is the worst thing in the world.

Yeah, becoming a parent is more than love. Its alot of responsibility. It takes its toll sometimes. It requires a great deal of maturity.

But its one of those situations where it makes you and moulds you. Because you have no other choice.

I get annoyed when I see people saying that teen parents are incapable and too immature to be parents. I think that most teen parents step up to the plate. I think having kids at any age is hard. I think that grown women get themselves into equally difficult situations and that teens are easy target for women to make themselves feel better.

You know? That 'drag other women down to make yourself feel better' thing? I think that's what it is.

If a teen mother is capable of loving and taking care of a child why shouldn’t she be respected? Why do people buy so heavily in to stigmas and what is deemed ‘respectable’ in society? People should just mind their own bloody business

It's got nothing to do with respect. Yet again, its not love that matters. Most teen mothers (again, I'm talking about under 18) cannot take care of a child properly. They can't earn enough money, they can't pay their own rent, they can't finish their education, they can't be great parents because they are still children.

Children having children is a bad thing. It just is. It's not something that should be valued in society, it's not something anyone should be saying is a perfectly good choice. It isn't, it usually leads to poor outcomes for mother and children.

Now, yet again, for the hard of thinking, I am talking about the concept of teen motherhood. I have already said that actual teen mothers should get support and help and positivity. But their choices should not be valued by society.
We would all be better off if children were not having children. Society would be better off if people didn't have children they can't take care of properly on their own. People should not mind their own business because we are all society and it is our business.

If a teen mother is capable of loving and taking care of a child why shouldn’t she be respected? Why do people buy so heavily in to stigmas and what is deemed ‘respectable’ in society?

This is why:

If we all had children before we could pay our own way, society would fall apart.

But its one of those situations where it makes you and moulds you. Because you have no other choice

You do have a choice. Don't have babies as a teenager.

I used to work in a area classed as in extreme poverty and data showed the most common age range for a mother was between 16-20 so yes the facts are correct most young people of those ages do usually end up with poorer outcomes for both them and their children.

The comment regarding that's what everyone pays their taxes for shows your immaturity as if everyone had this mindset where would the taxes for the benefits come from?

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

I've never been the one to go out drinking. Or to clubs, I've been with my partner 5 years this September, never really been a sociable person when I left school I completely changed my look on everything didn't want to do things I usually would.
even after my daughter was born, I've never felt the urge to do it or go out. I've still gone out with my partner etc had meals out, cinema , days out with the three of us, but days in, I enjoy it. I genuinely really enjoy being a mum and doing these things how they are, wether that includes tidying the house or washing clothes or bath time bed time etc and prefer it to "living it up"

maybe I am just weird 🤣

@Seasaltyhair

First, I didn’t say that teen mums do not deserve respect, so don’t put words in my mouth. It isn’t true that most salaries are rubbish and need supplementation from state benefits. The longer a person is in the workforce, gaining experience and qualifications and moving jobs to take advantage of better pay, the greater the likelihood of a decent salary. Taking your example, a person who had a first child at 30 and needs UC to top up salary will have maximised their earning potential as much as they can. That’s very different to a teenager having a baby without even having had a decent stint in the workforce. I repeat, Teenage mums should not be ashamed but the fact is that if we all decided to do this, there wouldn’t be enough money paid in to the pot to pay for this. That is why society generally doesn’t think it is a good idea.

[quote pinkgin8]@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

I've never been the one to go out drinking. Or to clubs, I've been with my partner 5 years this September, never really been a sociable person when I left school I completely changed my look on everything didn't want to do things I usually would.
even after my daughter was born, I've never felt the urge to do it or go out. I've still gone out with my partner etc had meals out, cinema , days out with the three of us, but days in, I enjoy it. I genuinely really enjoy being a mum and doing these things how they are, wether that includes tidying the house or washing clothes or bath time bed time etc and prefer it to "living it up"

maybe I am just weird 🤣[/quote]
Well hopefully that feeling lasts for you. I convinced myself that's how I felt at your age too.

@pinkgin8 does your employer provide a good maternity package? Equally, does your partners provide a good paternity package?

Do you have savings in place or one of you earn enough for one to be a SAHP if you want to? If not can you afford good childcare to enable you to return?! to work full time?

Do you have a stable home that the 2 of you can afford without relying on benefits

Do you earn enough to be in a position to provide extra curricular activities and other life enriching experiences?

Do you have enough to survive on a part time income and is your career stable enough that a maternity leave wouldn’t risk any future progression?

You say you wouldn’t change a thing, but you wouldn’t encourage your DD to do what you’ve done.

@pinkgin8 you mat not change a thing now but with the benefit of hindsight and life experience, I think you will come to realise there are many things you have missed out on.
I’m not saying for a minute you should regret having your children, I’m saying it’s unrealistic to paint it as ideal and the best outcome for a teenage girl.

There’s been a huge shift in the age of first time mothers.
50 years ago 20 year old dms would have been the norm.
Even 30 years ago a first time mum over 35 was considered a geriatric mother.
I was 25 when I had my ds 35 years ago. Probably the average age then.
My dm who was a midwife maintains that biologically and emotionally when both considered together 22 is the ideal age to have a child.

Op MN is full of older mums who have progressed their careers before having dc. This is their choice but it doesn’t invalidate yours.
In many ways you will have the advantage of being physically better able to cope with dc and still young enough to develop a good career.
You sound like a lovely mum.

I had my DC young and I did my best. But I am in a far better position now than I was those years ago. I don't think anyone should shame teen parents but it shouldn't be encouraged either.

The sad thing I never understand is the antidotal stories of how successful these babies of teen mums go on to be.

I am a daughter of a teen mum. I have a good professional job and my Mum was a great Mum. However, I saw how hard she had to work to make a life for us all. The early years and perhaps up until I was around 10 years old were very tough. I know at times she went without food so that I ate. Housing was at time unstable and life was stressful. She worked hard, went to uni, and now has a very successful career for herself which afforded us a nice house, private schooling, and expensive holidays.

But honesty her 20’s and early thirties must have been hell. So sure, she has managed to raise two successful kids but at what cost to herself?

Meh, I’d just any teen mum. If you choose to have a baby at that age you’re bloody stupid, and if it’s unplanned then you should have taken precautions. I don’t personally believe a teenager is mature enough to have a child. I also don’t think they’re mature enough to marry, etc.

@SonjaMorgan that’s all we can all do. But it’s a lot to be honest about it so thank you for that. I think painting it an an ideal should be discouraged. You can make it work and you can do well but that doesn’t mean it should be encouraged and it’s much better to be honest, as you have been.

@diversity101 nail on head!

[quote Cash02]@PeanuttButtaCup

I want to just say that you’re doing amazing and if you ever need to talk I’m right here, I could do with someone to talk to as well sometimes.

I had a little bit of a different upbringing I didn’t really have my mother. It was hard but, it’s better to not have them than to have them there and abusive, she came in an out and was nastier every time.

Your babies will love you even if they don’t have their dads, as long as you do your best for them.

You can do so much with yourself, you sound intelligent and you’ve clearly done well in school.

Please never give up on yourself xx[/quote]
Thank you

@Redbrickwall I’m not sure if your post is aimed at me or OP, but I just thought I’d say that I do realise babies aren’t there to fill a gap. DS1 is 15 months old and I know how much of a nightmare toddlers can be😂, I didn’t have a difficult upbringing really, but I’m still getting counselling to make sure any unresolved issues don’t affect my DC. Again not sure if it was aimed at me, just wanted to reply if it was!