To not be ashamed of being a teen mother?

[Cash02]

I’m worked up tonight, I saw another thread on a woman annoyed at a teen couples pregnancy (I won’t go into detail as to not highjack that thread, but if you saw me, hello)

I’m a teenage mother, became pregnant at 17, gave birth at 18. I’m with the father.

Everyone in that thread saying things like ‘poor baby’ and basically calling them idiots really upset me.

I feel I’m just as capable of loving a baby just as any 30 year old woman, comments like that make teen parents feel like terrible parents, and that our babies are better of without us.

I love how everyone is against ‘mum shaming’ until that mother is under the age of 20, the double standard is absolutely shocking.

Am I being stupid and should I just accept that I’m an awful evil mother?

Even if 17 year old works exactly the same hours as a 30 year old they will earn less money and be less financially secure simply because minimum wage is lower for teenagers.

Seasalty - yes you can be on UC at any age but look at UK earnings statistics and you will see that on average people earn quite a bit more aged 30 than age 17.

@SweetPetrichor

Meh, I’d just any teen mum. If you choose to have a baby at that age you’re bloody stupid, and if it’s unplanned then you should have taken precautions. I don’t personally believe a teenager is mature enough to have a child. I also don’t think they’re mature enough to marry, etc.

And that's the truth in the vast majority of the cases. Of course you may not be mature enough for a baby or marriage at any age but when you're a teenager the chances are so much higher. I'd love to see statistics (with a link) about how well children of teenage parents do in life and how many couples who have kids as teenagers are still together 20 years later.

I think though what’s sad is the op was unable to be honest, she didn’t want to admit she is from a disadvantaged background, living in one bedroom in her grans home, likely on benefits. That she was struggling and found it lonely, that she was the very statistic she was arguing against being a reality.

Instead she presented herself as a successful music producer, that her and her partner had been in a longer relationship than they have been, and they were the lucky ones who could financially provide a home without external support for their child, and how successful they were.

I understand why she did it though. But still sad she felt the need to paint such a sunny picture and couldn’t be honest about the reality of it.

Let’s be honest. It wouldn’t be for me, and I genuinely think your children will be worse off. Do you own a home? Do you have a degree and a well paid job? I don’t think so, because you’re 18, you haven’t had time. You can’t give them the security that older parents can, and that’s just that. I’m not saying that this is all there is to parenting, obviously it isn’t! I’m not even getting into all the social and emotional stuff. But having a solid foundation of security is a bloody good place to start, and you just won’t have it at 18. My mum was a teenage mother, so was her mum, and so was her mum. By the time I reached 16 I was the oldest woman in four generations of my family not to have had a baby as a child. I reckon I know what I’m talking about.

Op MN is full of older mums who have progressed their careers before having dc. This is their choice but it doesn’t invalidate yours

It's not a valid choice in the first place, it doesn't stand to be invalidated by anything.

Is there actually anyone on this thread that thinks that children having children is a good thing?

It is certainly ironic that health and education authorities in the developing poorer parts of the world such as Africa have for some time tried to discourage teenage girls from becoming pregnant for their and the babies' own health and economic prospects but here it seems to be applauded. Never mind the burden to the long suffering British tax payer.

@SendHelp30

We are renting a house off my close relative which we were lucky with, and we can always stay here

Yes we have money for activities but can't really do much at the moment with this going on
Before Covid we were always out doing things

I don't need my partner to go off work again , there's no need but it was absolutely fine for the first

The only benefits I or we get is for my dd. Which is dla. so with "child care" she won't be going to nursery anytime soon because of what she's been and is still going through

don't have housing rent paid or whatever it is or any other income from the government

Other than the £20 a week which everyone has!
No one encouraged me to do it, so obviously I wouldn't encourage my child to do it, it was something I made a choice on and decided I wanted, no one else's input was there.

I remember it well. Pregnant at 18 found out just after we split up. Child born at 19. His now 14. The only time I have not worked in his life was during maternity leave with him and his sibling. Single parent at first living at home. Met dp now have another child and own our house. Don't let others opinion get to you. I still get comments when people know my age and his. I point out however that I'm qualified to work with children and given that my youngest has several conditions including autism I am doing an amazing job. Some older parents would not have coped with him because he takes so much energy. Throw in a full time job as well. Being a younger mum has its advantages.

@pinkgin8 not everyone gets CB. It’s means tested now. You can receive it but then have to pay it back if you earn over a certain amount.
Are you not receiving carers allowance if you’re not working?
Definitely look into a specialist childcare provider for your DD. My sons are disabled are both go to a specialist nursery. It also has HCPs.

You do sound like you’re doing well but as I said before, it’s not an ideal scenario and don’t think it should be projected as such.

@pinkgin8 mentioning the carers allowance wasn’t a dig. If you’re not in education or employment and your DD gets higher or middle rate DLA then you’re entitled.

Some older parents would not have coped with him because he takes so much energy

What do you mean by older, twenties or thirties? Why would they not have the energy? Also dealing with a child with additional needs often needs emotional maturity and resilience. Which usually comes with age.

A child with additional needs is hard. It’s usually something you don’t find out till the child is past the infant stage, ie two years on, sometimes school age, or older. And it can be very hard for any parent, but I’d imagine hardest of all for a teenager. You have done well, but presenting it as a better solution than being older than a teen is really not a great idea.

There is a lot of judgement in western society, in some cultures teen pregnancy is the norm. I think things are looking up for tee mothers though as society has accepted you don’t need to do everything in a specific life order. You can have your children first and then have a career/university. There are downsides to having children later too.

@FortniteBoysMum my 2 sons are disabled. You’re talking nonsense.

Can we stop with the “so much more energy as a teen mum” rubbish? I’m not sure if a teen mum who is trying to look after a baby, study, and work would be any less tired then a mum in her late twenties/early thirties. Considering a lot of teen mums end up also being single mums and a lot of poor single mums don’t have someone around everyday to share the load with.

Personally I’ve just had my first at 30 years old. I’m more tired then before I had a baby but I am not exhausted. I felt more tired during my uni days.

I’m 30 with a husband and we have a lot of support and it’s difficult at times. I cannot imagine anything worse than dealing with their needs as a child or 19/20. Nothing at all.
It requires resilience, knowledge, emotional strength and maturity which children simply do not have!
Also, the support is somewhat lacking and we are able to provide independent therapists for our sons. There is no way that a teenager could afford to do this.

@stairway university with a child is hell of a lot harder and comes at a cost to the whole family
You cannot work significant hours and study for a full time degree and support children so I’m assuming benefits would play a huge part here. As well as expecting family to step in for childcare I imagine?

We don’t all get money off the government at all. I’ve never been in receipt of child benefit.

I’ve done university with a child and although it was harder then the first time I did it, being a mature student also has its benefits. Older parents can also take money from the state like needing ivf or medical treatments or more likely to have an autistic child needing state support.

What medical treatments are older parents more likely to need?? You are aware some women need IVF before the age of 40, yes?
Do teenage mums not need medical treatment? Did you give birth to your children privately? Do you know how much a labour costs the NHS?
Do you not use a&e or GP services for your DC?
Yes it is doable; I said it is harder not impossible. Yeah

@SendHelp30
I am not working at the moment purely due to the situation with my dd. It wouldn't be possible. When it's done next March then I'd definitely be looking into it, as my second would be 8 months by then, it really just depends on how she goes.
I didn't think I could receive carers allowance if my partner is earning a certain amount and we have so much savings ?
It probably isn't an ideal situation for every young person and there's probably more young mums worse off in the situation than there is good. Personally it was for me but that's only me.
I haven't taken it personally don't worry, she gets middle. I wasn't sure if you can claim carers allowance if partner is earning monthly, it would help for things I guess but we aren't struggling without it and don't specifically need it x

@SendHelp30 we haven't had contact with her HV for nearly a year! X

Older mums are more likely to have pregnancy complications and need ivf, which can also lead to more expensive medical care. I’m not judging older mums ( I am one) but it’s not just teen mums who receive state help.

[quote SendHelp30]@stairway university with a child is hell of a lot harder and comes at a cost to the whole family
You cannot work significant hours and study for a full time degree and support children so I’m assuming benefits would play a huge part here. As well as expecting family to step in for childcare I imagine?[/quote]
Not every one wants to go to uni. I know on MN that everyone’s kids go but in reality not every does.

I never went uni and own my own business. Dd1 never went uni and is in a fantastic job in Dubai living life.

Uni is not the be all and end all.

@sendhelp30 not at all. It depends on the individual. I know older parents with children with far less issues than my child yet they struggle. In the past year I have worked full time battled for his diagnosis pushed through his ehcp assessment and appealed it then won whilst dealing with him on a daily basis. I know many parents who have given in and let the floored system win because they are too drained to carry on. However I keep pushing through because its what my child needs. I may have been a young parent by my child is better for it because I don't give in I'm used to people trying to act like as a young mum I don't know what I'm talking about until I point out the cold hard facts and point out I am qualified to look for these issues and had I been in a work setting they would be taken seriously. Soon changed the tune of his paediatric team.

@stairway

Older mums are more likely to have pregnancy complications and need ivf, which can also lead to more expensive medical care. I’m not judging older mums ( I am one) but it’s not just teen mums who receive state help.

No one is saying it is. No one is that ignorant of the world around them. No one needs you to rush in and explain what sort of people get help. We all know.

What’s been said is if you’re a teenager you’re more likely to need help than any other demographic. Very few, if any, are able to financially support and provide a home for their child with out family or tax payer support.

Statistically a teenager having a child, is often from a disadvantaged background and they then raise a child also in a disadvantaged background, poverty, lack of education, unemployment, reliance on benefits. Those conditions are hard whatever your age, but it’s much more likely that’s the at least short and mid term outcome when teenagers have babies.