To not be ashamed of being a teen mother?

[Cash02]

I’m worked up tonight, I saw another thread on a woman annoyed at a teen couples pregnancy (I won’t go into detail as to not highjack that thread, but if you saw me, hello)

I’m a teenage mother, became pregnant at 17, gave birth at 18. I’m with the father.

Everyone in that thread saying things like ‘poor baby’ and basically calling them idiots really upset me.

I feel I’m just as capable of loving a baby just as any 30 year old woman, comments like that make teen parents feel like terrible parents, and that our babies are better of without us.

I love how everyone is against ‘mum shaming’ until that mother is under the age of 20, the double standard is absolutely shocking.

Am I being stupid and should I just accept that I’m an awful evil mother?

Not to worry! In Africa (and other places) girls of 12 give birth. What is your age limit - theoretically?

To be honest, I’m also very surprised op you and your partner are supporting this child independently. Very few teenagers earn the sort of wages required to be able to afford to rent or buy privately, provide food, pay the bills and all that’s required to support themselves and a child. Very few.

Being honest about the struggles and support, from financial to child care, you’re receiving as a teen mum is a sign of maturity.

@Bluntness100 exactly. Although she’s stated her DP works cash in hand to supplement his apprenticeship wage.

I just think if you’re going to have a serious discussion about teen pregancy then it’s important to present it accurately.

What the op is presenting is possible but highly unusual. As a pp said, she must be a very successful music producer, because apprentice wages are notoriously low. As is cash in hand at that age. So to be a successful music producer, be the main breadwinner, and study on top of it and raise a kid, whilst also having time to “make music with my friends” is nothing short of heroic.

There is nothing wrong with saying, yeah I live at home, or I’m in a council property and receive a lot of benefits, my parents or the fathers parents help with child care and that’s the reality of it.

Yes some seventeen eighteen year olds are able to do it on their own, but it’s incredibly rare.

You can’t have a serious discussion if you’re bullshitting about the reality, can’t own it, because you don’t want to be judged.

You sound like you are doing ok! You will have freedomm in ur 40s which is just as valuable.

Don't let the bastards grind you down! When you become a mother you're fair game and everyone will have an opinion on how you're doing it, versus how you ought to be doing it.

You don't need to defend yourself to strangers on the internet. It sounds like you're doing ok, your child is happy and healthy.

I had my first at 22, so not a teen but young, and my second at 36. So I am qualified to tell you that being a young mum is hard work and that being an old mum is also hard work

If you and your child are happy and healthy you're doing ok. Chin up

I'm 40 when my mother had me she was 30 and on her notes they wrote geriatric mother, she had her first child at 20.

Over the years mothers have got older I was 34 then 36. A women's peak fertility is 21, we aren't meant to have children so late. It's just society that's done that.

You are actually the better age to have a child. Ignore anyone who ever says anything different.

[quote SendHelp30]@Bluntness100 exactly. Although she’s stated her DP works cash in hand to supplement his apprenticeship wage.[/quote]
Yeah you've really lost the mature enough argument there with me op.

As bluntness says, just be honest about your life. Lying about it, as you are, just shows you to be immature.

The couple in the other post were in a very different situation to yourself and whilst it clearly hit a nerve I would let it go. Your situation is different. Their circumstances were absolutely awful and I felt sorry for the baby just like most posters. Hopefully they will rise to the occasion but the odds were stacked against them.

I have had friends who were teen mums and I never wanted that for myself. Their lives were so much harder than mine, had to make sacrifices much earlier and deal with a lot of stigma. Some stepped up and put their children first ,others didn't. My best friend had her dd at 17, her baby went to a creche attached to her college and then uni. She went on to become a nurse in a very famous cancer hospital. She has done fabulously for her child and herself. None of them regret their children but would have had them much later in hindsight.

Tbh as a mum you get judged no matter what. Develop a thick skin and get on with it. You are happy, your child is loved and provided for so great, you are one of the lucky ones. Lots of teen mums are not in such a good situation and the cycle continues.

@Bluntness100

I just think if you’re going to have a serious discussion about teen pregancy then it’s important to present it accurately.

What the op is presenting is possible but highly unusual. As a pp said, she must be a very successful music producer, because apprentice wages are notoriously low. As is cash in hand at that age. So to be a successful music producer, be the main breadwinner, and study on top of it and raise a kid, whilst also having time to “make music with my friends” is nothing short of heroic.

There is nothing wrong with saying, yeah I live at home, or I’m in a council property and receive a lot of benefits, my parents or the fathers parents help with child care and that’s the reality of it.

Yes some seventeen eighteen year olds are able to do it on their own, but it’s incredibly rare.

You can’t have a serious discussion if you’re bullshitting about the reality, can’t own it, because you don’t want to be judged.

‘Because you don’t want to be judged’

And just look at some of the pithy judgmental remarks on here. It’s not surprising if the OP has changed a bit of the truth. The minute she lays her self bare the criticism starts. Most people don’t tell the 100% of the truth either on here.

MN is full of people that flock to threads to tell the poster how much they are doing wrong.

The premises of this thread is ‘I had a baby young and I’m doing ok’ - then posters want to start asking her financial back ground and income to try and pull her to pieces. Many older women have a baby and go immediately on to benefits for different reasons and they don’t get the criticism this young women is getting.

She’s doing ok. It’s not a crime to have a baby young. If posters have a problem with it - it says more about them than her.

Oh also wanted to say my sister had her boy at 20 and was a struggling single mother on benefits. Her son is now 30, just got married and moving to a high flying job in Abu Dhabi. He left school with 7 advanced highest A grade. He won a scholarship to university under a talent scheme in Scotland. He is on the high achievers lifetime list at the university he went to. She did a absolute amazing job as a mother.

I had my kids at 34/36 in a stable marriage and we are comfortable off. If my kids turn out even half as good as her son I will be delighted.

Your child is what you make of them not your situation.

I think it’s cool if the parents are financially independent and not foisting childcare on other family members. Then whatever their age, it’s up to them.

I think that you are in a minority op, more often than not you get people who come on here who have had children in teens, early 20s and then complain that the bloke has left them, no other bloke wants anything to do with them now that they have got kids, they need to live off of benefits in order to survive and as a result then live in a mold infested 2 bed flat on a ruff estate and they can't get a good job because of limited skills/education, the negatives go on and on.

Good for you that you have managed to make it work, but many don't and unfortunately come on here complaining about their life choices to have kids at an early age.

@Fufumuji

We’re past the age of claiming benefits and doing nothing with your life, most young people, child or not, don’t want that for themselves

That's not what the statistics say. Teen mothers are far more likely to be on benefits, they are more likely to be or become single mothers, their children are more likely to live in poverty, to leave school early, to become teen mothers themselves, and more.

You may be a solvent, working, self sufficient teen mother in a solid relationship...but unfortunately that's not the norm.

I don't think it's anything to be ashamed of in and of itself, but I didn't want it for myself and I certainly don't want it for my daughters. There's a stigma attached to most things that are very undesirable.

Exactly. Just because you are not one of the statistics (yet?) it doesn't mean the statistics are wrong.

Society shouldn’t shame teen mothers, they should be supported.

Unfortunately outcomes for the children of teenage mums do tend to be worse for for older mums. There are many reasons for this, partly because teen mums Tend to come from more deprived backgrounds, and tend to have poor educational outcomes themselves.

As a society we should do as much as we can to educate young people to reduce the incidents of accidental pregnancy. But when it happens those young people should be supported.

I didn’t really have my mother. It was hard but, it’s better to not have them than to have them there and abusive, she came in an out and was nastier every time.

Your babies will love you even if they don’t have their dads, as long as you do your best for them.

And there we have it. It took 7 pages to get there, but you've just shown yourself to be the stereotypical teen mum. And now I've read that first sentence I am never going to believe that a little part of you didn't get accidentally pregnant on purpose, despite saying that you are 'against teen pregnancy'.

You say you don't claim any benefits, but what exactly do you mean by that? Whaat does being on benefits mean to you? Job seekers allowance? Universal credit? Because last time I looked, an apprentice made very little money indeed - not even minimum wage, and unless you are some kind of wunderkind of the sort we read about it the 'Culture' supplements of Sunday broadsheets I highly doubt you are making much (or any) money 'producing music' at 17 or 18 years old either.

Yes you say you 'both work' and you also study. So how do you afford the rent on this 'stable home' you have? Who pays your childcare while you are studying or 'working' in music production?

[quote Cash02]@Fufumuji
Is there a statistic for this anywhere?[/quote]
You seem very naive.

There is a wealth of statistics out there to support the view that the children of teen mums have worse outcomes.

Hat is why so many resources are spent on reducing teen pregnancy across the globe.

If you are going to advocate for teen mums, you need to understand their reality.

The thing is everyone understands the ops point. And yes we are all playing nicely due to her age and because we do get it.

But the reality of teen pregnancy is very hard. Raising a child at any age is difficult. Life enhancing and brilliant but it’s a long hard road. It’s for the rest of your life, hopefully.

People don’t want to shame teenage parents, but they do want to make people understand how hard it is and reduce it. Because it is far far from optimal. The statistics show that it is often disadvantaged kids, who then have disadvantaged kids. Sith poor educational outcomes, and often a life in poverty beckoning.

It also can be very Isolating. The novelty wears off for friends. Soon uni beckons for them, nights out, holidays, gigs, a career path. And the person raising a child can’t join in and gets left behind. Alone and in search of other young parents.

For the overwhelming majority support is required. The parents need to step in. The tax payer. They don’t habe the means to even house themselves never mind a kid.

The reality of teen pregnancy for many is something that as adults we should be open about. No parent who has raised a child looks at a teen with a baby and thinks that’s great, every single one of us thinks that’s a hard life you’ve picked, I feel for you and I’d not want it for my daughter.

Nobody is questioning your ability to love your baby or provide care but you also need to financially support your baby with housing, food, clothing - are you able to at 17? Are you claiming benefits beyond standard child benefit? You also need to complete your own education to be able to support yourself in the future and the leaving age is now 18. You may have supportive parents etc but you are falling yourself if you think at 17 you are holistically capable of raising a child, you simply cannot in modern society.

Brillaintly put Bluntness, hit the nail squarely on the head.

Also don't be patting yourself on the back just yet for still being with the father. Your baby is teething. Come back and talk to us when she's starting primary school, or even secondary school. If you are still together then, that's when you can feel good about bucking the stereotype.

Plenty of 30y.o mothers mess up their DC.
It doesn't matter what age you are as long as you love & care for them.
The majority of my friends who had DC as teenagers are excellent mothers they done well out of life.
They did miss out on some nights out but who cares.
People especially on MN judge everything.

OP I was a teen mum. Pregnant at 17, baby at 18, alone. I was ashamed of myself then, I'm still embarrassed about it now and I'm 30.
I think once you grow up a bit you will understand what people here are trying to say, rather than just getting defensive on behalf of all teen mums. It's a shit situation to be in.
It's very unlikely that you and your partner are solely providing for your child with absolutely no help, which is fine. People of all ages rely on government funding to survive. I certainly did.
I'm in a completely different situation now, with a partner that works 2 jobs, sometimes 7 days a week. I work full time (well on mat leave now) we make a decent living. Own our own (small) house. I do believe if I hadn't had a child so young, life would be very different for me now.

I just wish a lot of teen mums had more support, if they had enough support to continue their education, get a job, mental health support. There would be a lot less of those horrible statistics.

I'm interested to know what you mean by support though. What support don't they get? There is help to continue education. I did it. There is access to mental health support for teen parents, the same as for any other adult in this country. Granted its not the best for anyone, but not sure why teen parents/mothers should be a priority?

Again, you are still very young. This is all quite new to you, and you are clearly quite sensitive about people having opinions on teen pregnancy.
People judge everyone in society.

I had my first at 18. I'm now 30 and have just bought my first house. I work part time for £20000 a year. I'm married. My husband earns £35000 a year. I know from some of the threads on here that's not seen as much, but we have a nice standard of life and I have no complaints. No I would never recommend having a child so young but it's not been the end of the world.

The thing is that stats show that children of teenage parents have worse outcomes than those of older parents. Stars are based on bell curves which means there will be tails on both ends so no point saying this teenage parent is brilliant and that 45yo mum is terrible, it’s not the way it works. On average and on balance the stats are stacked against kids of teenagers, it’s a reality. Again, that doesn’t refer to an individual and their situation but an entire cohort. Google it.