To not be ashamed of being a teen mother?

[Cash02]

I’m worked up tonight, I saw another thread on a woman annoyed at a teen couples pregnancy (I won’t go into detail as to not highjack that thread, but if you saw me, hello)

I’m a teenage mother, became pregnant at 17, gave birth at 18. I’m with the father.

Everyone in that thread saying things like ‘poor baby’ and basically calling them idiots really upset me.

I feel I’m just as capable of loving a baby just as any 30 year old woman, comments like that make teen parents feel like terrible parents, and that our babies are better of without us.

I love how everyone is against ‘mum shaming’ until that mother is under the age of 20, the double standard is absolutely shocking.

Am I being stupid and should I just accept that I’m an awful evil mother?

@Seasaltyhair I was replying to a PP who mentioned university is possible with young children when you’re a teen.
DH didn’t go either and is much more successful than me! I don’t think it’s suitable for everyone, was simply replying to the PP

I may have been a young parent by my child is better for it because I don't give in I'm used to people trying to act like as a young mum

Are you genuinely of the belief that you are able to not give in because you had your child so young and had you been a few years older you’d not have been able to. And that others who had their kids in their twenties can’t do it?

You must understand why people will disagree with your prognosis that this is all because you had a child young.

@FortniteBoysMum do you think it’s only teen mums who do this?
I would imagine, by the same token, many teen mums give up and except they have “difficult” children as they aren’t equipped either emotionally or intellectually to see the process through.

*accept

That's unfair @FortniteBoysMum I have a severly autistic 10 year old son I'm 47 as you can imagine it's pretty full on ,I think I do a pretty good job too ,nothing to do with age ,my experience as a nurse gives me confidence when speaking to professional,s about his care and education I think ,but that doesn't mean I think I do a better job than any other parent of a child with complex disabilities.

@FortniteBoysMum sorry but you’re really proving the point made earlier on the thread regarding the naivety of young mums.

@StudentProblems, that describes vast amounts of the population. I live in a HA housing area, people work minimum wage jobs. Should none of them have children? It's forcast that after Covid and Brexit kicks in, first time buyers will need 30% deposits. That will stop a lot of people from buying. Not everyone would benefit from a degree, we will always need people to do lower jobs. It then becomes a matter of Eugenics, if we set your criteria to reproduce.

@tara66, is supporting families a burden on taxes? The Welfare bill is a small proportion of spending and we need future tax payers.

I had my first at 18. Then had two more. I've produced three key workers. My DD born at 18 is severely dyslexic and has ADHD. I think being younger gave me an open mind when it came to SN, especially as it was a time when both conditions still wasn't believed to be true, even by teachers. She's now a Manager in Social Care and the world is a better place for her existence. She never went to UNI, she's worked her way up.

I don't think it's the end of the world, being pregnant and under 20, but I would say to any young woman to not plan a baby, unless there's a medical reason. Only for the Mother's sake, because we pick up the burden of child rearing and there's things that you might want to do, places that you want to go etc that you don't even know about yet.

Had my eldest DS at 19 and my second just after my 21st.I got married at 20.

I can honestly say that when I was a young mum I was sometimes judged and treated badly by people.

Probably one of more memorable moments was the moment of visable jaws hitting the floor when I mentioned my husband when I was at a parent and toddler group ran by a local church that was full of older mums who wouldn't give me the time of day.

When of the mums almost spluttered out "oh your married;we thought you were a single mum" and I asked her why and she mumbled something about one of the other mums getting confused and thought I said I was single.I very much doubt that though.

Luckily the 2 other groups I went to in the area were lovely and I made some good friends there I'm still friends with 15 years later.

You're not being dramatic. And don't let anyone shame you - which they will inevitably try to do.

To say it isn't the ideal path for a child is ridiculous. It suggests that for women, once they have children their life is effectively over, which is crap.

Sure, as a teen you may struggle financially, but I know plenty of 30 year olds who also struggle financially. By the time I had DD, I had grown up and moved away and had bugger all family help. I'd have had plenty if I'd been 18 and still living at home. The university I went to had an onsite nursery and funding is available for students. I still could have got my degree, I just would have been pulling all nighters with my baby instead of all nighters at a party.

I knew no more about babies because I was 34 than I did when I was 18.

Lets cut them some slack and stop treating them like they don't know what they are doing just because they are young.

You are with the father, in a stable relationship, which is a good thing and the first thing I noticed when reading your original post. Then I noticed you are both seeking a career.

Then I remembered there is a person who denies publicly at least one of his own children. He is the Prime Minister.

I know whom I respect and admire more, and their name is not Boris.

I worked in a college and the 18 year olds who came back after having a LO at 16 were so much more mature than the other 18yo. They got their heads down, did the work and tried to build a future for their family through college and then work. Hold your head up ad never feel ashamed for being a real life person

I’ve a feeling the op might not come back and engage further, which would be a shame. Because she raised a valid thread. And enabled an interesting discussion. She has had a difficult upbringing but she is focusing on how to do her best for her child and giving a lot of thought into how to parent, and she’s doing it in tough conditions. So her voice should be heard and I take my hat off to her.

So op. If you’re reading this, which I suspect you are, I hope you join in again.

You just proved my point. People think because you were a young mum your stupid. That's not the case at all. Rather than judge how people deal with the situation they face. Some young parents should never have children some older parents should never have children the fact is age is irrelevant in being a parent it's about how you care for your child and meet their needs.

@cash02

No, you were trying to validate being a young mother by saying it allowed you to push for an EHCP for your child.

@LetMeStraightenMyCrownFirst, couples staying together aren't a marker for a better outcome, though. The young women I know wouldn't put up with the crap relationships described on here. Our local Children's Centres run the Freedom Programme and they ate always full, not because they are desperately needed, but because there's a recognition of abuse being linked to sexism and young women want to undo that.

If you have money and have grown up with money, you probably do think living on a low wage is a fate worse than death. But for people up North, in affordable housing, life can still be good.

I was married with a baby at 19. Never felt judged.

@cash02 I think people were commenting on immature as they decided to have a baby after a month or so of being together with no jobs or way to provide for a baby, so a choice and that is irresponsible ,

@Bluntness100

I think though what’s sad is the op was unable to be honest, she didn’t want to admit she is from a disadvantaged background, living in one bedroom in her grans home, likely on benefits. That she was struggling and found it lonely, that she was the very statistic she was arguing against being a reality.

Instead she presented herself as a successful music producer, that her and her partner had been in a longer relationship than they have been, and they were the lucky ones who could financially provide a home without external support for their child, and how successful they were.

I understand why she did it though. But still sad she felt the need to paint such a sunny picture and couldn’t be honest about the reality of it.

Did I miss one of the OP's posts? Where did she go against the picture she had initially painted?

I must say as well that it's great having your children off your hands in your 50's. I'll be less hands on with my GC (who I spoil) when I'm in my 60's, they'll be teens and I've got exciting plans still.

And actually I would condemn anyone of any age who has a baby with no way of providing , benefits are there for when we fall on hard times or things happen out of our control. Not as a lifestyle choice wether 16 or 40

I can honestly say that when I was a young mum I was sometimes judged and treated badly by people

I’m not sure about the “treated badly” your example was some judgey mums, maybe you just gave the wrong example. But yes I fully believe you were judged. Because as most have said there is a stigma attached to it, and that stigma is a positive in the main, because we should not be making teen pregnancy seem aspirational or a positive. Because in rhe main it is not, it is something to be actively discouraged.

I think though that’s what’s causing some of the defensive comments on here. Some of them are getting a little silly, but I think it’s that judgement that’s causing the reaction.

Bluntness people are saying this though and can be quite judgemental.

Also I’d like to say that I wouldn’t like my DC to become teen parents, if they do I’d support them but it isn’t what I want for them. There’s no doubt about it that if I’d had my DC in my 30’s I’d probably be more financially stable. I don’t necessarily agree with people choosing to have children at a young age, I think it’s quite irresponsible. But the same goes for people of any age choosing to have children if they aren’t financially, emotionally ready etc. I will work very hard (possibly not physically due to disabilities, but I will do everything I can) to make sure my DC are no worse off than those who’s parents are older, however if I had been an older person I wouldn’t have to work so hard. I’m rambling a little but my point is that we shouldn’t judge teen mums (I’m one myself), but I think it’s irresponsible to say that people are better off being a teen mum.

There was a thread the other week about teenage parents that made my blood boil.
YAnbu.