To ask how you and OH manage finances?

[Strawberryfelineforever]

Just wondering how to go about organising financial responsibilities when I move in with future husband later this year. I earn about half of what FH earns at the moment but he has more expenses than me eg he has a car to pay off whereas I don't drive. We have no children and he is covering more than I am for the wedding as I earn significantly less. He suggested he could cover rent/mortgage and I could cover the food shop and bills? We didn't talk about what specific bills just yet. We both agreed we would set up a joint account whilst still having our own separate accounts (I think it's important to have your own account as well). Does this sound reasonable? Should I be putting the same amount in the joint account if I earn less? Just wondering if anyone has tips on splitting things and what is fair. Thanks!

One account/joint savings etc. We now earn a similar amount but for years I earned more.

It works really well for us, sometimes he spends more, sometimes I do. We are a team and actually I now only think of 'our' money and not mine and his.

I cover 15% mortgage. DH does the rest.
I cover child care costs with tax free child care help, DDs clothes, shoes, coats etc.
I put in 40% of the total amount that goes into the joint account each month. Joint account is solely for food and bills. We each individually pay our phone bills. Each of us has 10/month contracts.
I work part time 2 days/week and earn less than half what my DH does. We save separately but all our money belongs to us both.

Earn very different amounts all in one account. We agree on big spends but probably not anything under £100, earlier on we agreed on almost anything as we earned a lot less than we do now.

@Aquamarine1029

You should do whatever you feel comfortable with. In my 24+ year marriage, there is no "your money and my money." All money belongs equally to both of us and who earns more is totally irrelevant. There is no "his car and my car", they are both our cars equally. We have never once had disagreements about money because everything is both of ours equally. To me, that is how a marriage should be, but everyone is entitled to do whatever they wish.

Let's say I'm thinking of buying a Ferrari. We have separate finances, but if I were married to you, would that just mean you could drive it when you wanted to? What if you wanted it in a different colour? If you didn't want it, could you veto it?

I guess my point is that your system only works if large discretionary purchases hardly exist. Even something as ordinary as a car is something most drivers have individual preferences about, it's fairly unusual for two people to have the same taste, even rarer for both to regard it as some sort of generic appliance the details of which don't matter.

Just realised you meant what should you pay BEFORE marriage, sorry! We didn't live together before marriage, but if we had done so for a short while before getting married, we might have done it like a flat share arrangement - split bills half way. I wouldn't have shared any savings etc with someone I wasn't married to - there's no legal protection if it goes wrong. It would obviously be different if you were in a long-term relationship and had both actively decided against marriage/civil partnership - I guess in that scenario people decide to either not share much, or to share everything and take the financial risk. Wouldn't fancy either, hence got married!

As far as paying for the actual wedding, we put in the same amount. If we had decided not to get married at the last minute (!!) then we would have lost the same amount. Seemed fair to us. Our wedding wasn't expensive though. We both had enough savings to cover half but if we hadn't I guess one of us would have paid more. That wouldn't have been a problem.

DH and I have just one car between us. We discussed what we each wanted to have in a car and found the one that suited us both. Of course only one of us can actually be the registered keeper of the car but we both drive it and it is "the car".

Before we had kids we worked it out in percentages. H more than I earned so he paid 75% and I paid 25%

When we first moved in together we tried the ‘he pays the mortgage and CT and I pay the food and utilities’ way. But we totally underestimated how much he ate and how rubbish he was at turning lights off or leaving taps running. It meant I was paying the same as him if not more so we changed to the above. My parents did that all their lives and they were always bickering over food and who actually owned the house

Once we had children it all went into one pot, all bills come out, we agree on savings, big purchases, holidays and equal spends.

Nearly 50 years married here. All incomings have always gone into a joint acount. All bills, mortgage, food, insurances, etc paid from this. £X a month put into joint savings account for holidays and things like expensive work/repairs needed on the house. Whatever (if anything) left at the end of the month gets split and put into our own saving accounts, so if he wants to save up to buy (yet another) motorbike he can do, and if I want to buy frivalous clothes and shoes or whatever I can.

We also have separate accounts with money we were left after our parents died. So, if I die first all money goes to him and vice versa. If we die together then the money left to me by my mother goes back to my brother before the rest of the estate is split between our brothers, and the same with the inheritance from his father goes to his brother.

I earn more, but we just put everything into one account, and discuss what we want to buy (for big things). We have a savings account that is in my old accounts before him, but that's because I manage finances.

Meant to say that before we married we used to hear relatives bickering saying, "well I paid for ABC, so you owe me £1.20 for XYZ, yes but what about EFG, you owe me £2.60 from that." We decided we couldn't be bothered with all that.

We put exactly the same amount from our own accounts into a joint account each month (we earn exactly the same). This covers mortgage and all bills plus a buffer.

All food shopping or big purchases go on DH's credit card (we collect BA points) and then I transfer him half.

We have our salaries paid into our own accounts and, aside from household expenses, we have nothing to do with each others money.

We also pay for our own personal expenses, phone, car insurance etc from our own accounts.

There's no way my DP would accept paying half for the amount I pay on haircuts, etc. And he shouldn't have to, when he cuts his hair himself! There's also no way I would pay half of his camera equipment, computer games, etc, god knows how much he spends on those.

I'm guessing the people who split everything don't have expensive hobbies. I wouldn't expect him to pay half the cost of my bikes, or snowboard holidays, when he does neither.

@79andnotout

There's no way my DP would accept paying half for the amount I pay on haircuts, etc. And he shouldn't have to, when he cuts his hair himself! There's also no way I would pay half of his camera equipment, computer games, etc, god knows how much he spends on those.

I'm guessing the people who split everything don't have expensive hobbies. I wouldn't expect him to pay half the cost of my bikes, or snowboard holidays, when he does neither.

I think the difference here is that we don’t see it as “my” money or “his/her” money. We see every penny as our money, and we love each other and want each other to be happy, so I don’t begrudge him spending money on his hobbies just like he doesn’t begrudge me spending on mine.

Anything over £50 we would run by each other as a courtesy.

It’s very clear from your post that you don’t see yourselves as a team or a unit, but rather two individuals that you wouldn’t want money wasted on. I could never be in that type of relationship.

*79andnotout

There's no way my DP would accept paying half for the amount I pay on haircuts, etc. And he shouldn't have to, when he cuts his hair himself! There's also no way I would pay half of his camera equipment, computer games, etc, god knows how much he spends on those.

I'm guessing the people who split everything don't have expensive hobbies. I wouldn't expect him to pay half the cost of my bikes, or snowboard holidays, when he does neither.*

But doesnt it all even out?
I don't begrudge Oh spending money from the pot, if that makes him happy and we can afford it then fine.

Same with me.
WE both have a grown up and responsible attitude to spending.
Neither of us would break the bank by excessive selfish spending, we know what is fair and reasonable.

Let's say I'm thinking of buying a Ferrari. We have separate finances, but if I were married to you, would that just mean you could drive it when you wanted to? What if you wanted it in a different colour? If you didn't want it, could you veto it?
Yes to all those questions. If I or DH wanted a ludicrously expensive car then we would have to agree on it. If one of us felt strongly that it (or in an actual current conversation, a kitchen refurb) was unnecessary or not a priority then the person who doesn't want to gets to veto.

I guess my point is that your system only works if large discretionary purchases hardly exist. Even something as ordinary as a car is something most drivers have individual preferences about, it's fairly unusual for two people to have the same taste, even rarer for both to regard it as some sort of generic appliance the details of which don't matter.
I have very little interest in cars other than something practical to get me about. DH cares a little more and is happy to do a bit of research to find the best value etc but yes there may be compromises both of us have to make when buying our new one this year. Neither of us would ever see a car or anything of that value as an individual purchase. As a PP said only one person can legally be the registered keeper of a car but we own two cars and consider them both equally ours.

We've been together ten years and love each other very much thanks, but I still wouldn't want to pay half of his gaming equipment, and I doubt he'd want to pay half of my £2k snowboarding holiday he didn't go on. I also wouldn't want him to call my spending selfish and excessive - and he doesn't get to because it's my money and I earned it and it doesn't impact him.

Our spending doesn't necessarily even out. In fact I have no idea, the stuff he has delivered could cost a fortune, it's hard to tell with camera lens etc. I don't want to know and don't really care, as long as he can pay half his bills every month it's nothing to do with me.

We are exactly the same as emilyfrost. We are a team and our joint account pays for things that one of us wants to spend it on. We don't begrudge each other spending money on things because that's what we earn the money for.
So the joint account pays everything - DH sports membership, my fitness classes, nights out and trips away, together or separately with friends. I have no idea who spends more on themselves, although I spend most on DC. I like to take packed lunches, DH likes to buy his. My haircuts are much more expensive than his. It's not tit for tat.
If we need to cut down, then we both cut down on non-essentials for a while. If DH wanted a Ferrari (we couldn't afford it but... ) I guess it would be a present for him and he would choose exactly what he wanted. If we were replacing a family car we would not choose a Ferrari!

@karala

we share all our money - sometimes I've earned more and other times he has but we chose to share our lives and so we share the money too.

This is us too. For quite a while I earned more. Now he earns way more. One joint account into which salaries go into and bills come out. I have most of the savings in my name purely because I pay less tax, not that interest rates are much. He doesn't mind that I'll spend a lot on clothes/jewellery as he'll spend the same on a bike. We just run spending plans past each other so there are no unpleasant surprises- never had a problem in 23 years like this.

To be fair to @79andnotout, she is referring to a DP, not a DH.

Very different situation. Despite having shared accounts with both XDHs, there is no way on earth I would do that with a DP. You just do not have the same legal protection.

The principle for us is that all money is joint and we end up with the same amount of spends each month. However, we still have separate accounts (as well as a joint) as we both still like to have control over our finances and take some responsibility.

I have spread sheet where I put in our expenditure. We divide out the expenses so we each have the same amount left over. We put some in savings too. At the moment I'm earning but dh isn't, so I lay the bills and send him some spends. He did the same when I was made redundant. We also have a family pot that any days out are paid from.

We got a joint account just before we bought a house-both of us were in our first jobs just having left university. He has generally earned more than me and I then went part time when we had kids, so I bring home half what he does monthly. We still have the one current account though and both our wages go in and bills/mortgage come out.

We keep our individual accounts where our salaries are paid into. Every month we pay into the joint account which is for all joint (house/child) related bills.

The amount we contribute each is all the bills added up + a little more, then we pay pro-rata. So I earn more and when we compare salaries that's 70:30. So I pay in 70% and he pays in 30% of the full amount. We then agree an amount and pay that into joint savings for a rainy day.

We have a shared bank account and yes, if I think about my DH does have more expensive hobbies than me (golfing, skiing) but as another PP said, it's not 'tit for tat'. I enjoy my hobbies and he enjoys his, I don't need to spend £x just because DH spends £x. That sounds like children bickering over who get more Christmas presents.

I guess the problem arises when you have a limited amount to spend and one partner begrudges how the other spends it ... but hopefully, before living together or getting married you would hope to have a good idea of each other's spending pattern.

Before DH and I married we each had our own place, in fact our individual homes were very similar and we could tell by observing each other's habits, and by careful discussion, that we had broadly similar spending styles. We even had exactly the same dinner service - bought before we knew each other still in use over 30 years later.

I know all that sounds boringly clinical but better than just getting together for romantic reasons and forgetting to discuss the dull stuff.

I'm guessing the people who split everything don't have expensive hobbies.

I have a very expensive hobby, I own a horse. Still split everything in a joint account.

Without him, I could still afford my lifestyle by myself, including the house. If anything, he's better off having me. We are still a partnership so we split everything.