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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should i be worried about paying for boyfriends house

302 replies

Centaurpede · 24/01/2021 15:05

So, I live with my boyfriend in his house, we are planning to move into our own one in a few years. He wants to do up this house and wants to share costs of doing that. I have enough to share costs comfortably but I would rather keep the money for new house which would actually be mine too. Aibu? Or should I set a limit on how much I will spend on this one?

OP posts:

FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken · 24/01/2021 18:59

The thing is OP if he says you're being cold hearted to try and protect your investment
....then he wont mind not protecting his investment and putting you on the mortgage.

I think see a solicitor and draw up an agreement that if you split and no longer live there you either get a percentage of the house based on what you've contributed so far plus investments, or get the value of your contribution plus interest (based on how much the house has increased).

If it was the other way around would you expect him to buy half your kitchen or bathroom that legally only you would own? Would you expect to contribute to half the cost of something that you benefit from indeirectly but don't own such as upkeep on his car?

Hankunamatata · 24/01/2021 19:00

Tell him your saving towards deposit for the new house

PurpleMustang · 24/01/2021 19:00

For a start how about suggesting getting a couple of Estate Agents in to give you a valuation and an idea of would it be worth doing x and y. But also be careful of them telling you to do it just to make it easier to sell. Also go online and see what else is about for what prices and judge the pics on how new kitchen etc is.

LolaSmiles · 24/01/2021 19:01

Mmn654123
Is it really that peculiar to find it quite odd someone would have a property that they are dependent on someone else paying more than half their mortgage?

I don't consider it peculiar to dislike sponging off others. I don't like cocklodging either.

Mollyboom · 24/01/2021 19:02

Only contribute if he is prepared to give you a share of the property. This is easily arranged with a solicitor- you can do a deed of trust or simply add you as an owner.
Until that is done do not contribute to any home improvements.

Bananalanacake · 24/01/2021 19:05

Why live together if you don't have dc.

toocold54 · 24/01/2021 19:07

Why live together if you don't have dc.

Why wouldn’t they?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 24/01/2021 19:09

If you don't want to seem mean then why not help him out but have some legal paperwork in place. That way there is trust both ways

A very sensible suggestion, and his response to the suggestion would say a lot. Granted it doesn't sound very "romantic", but then neither is a tussle over money in the event of a split

TBH, unless it's a complete wreck, I'm not sure what the point is in replacing a kitchen before sale either. It's unlikely to be to a buyer's taste unless it's utterly neutral, and they might even dislike it for that reason too

AnitaB888 · 24/01/2021 19:10

Absolutely do not do this OP.

Also get a Cohabitation Agreement (or similar) drawn up before you move in together.

BeforeThisThenWhat · 24/01/2021 19:12

I wouldn’t want to contribute but I think you need to work out what happens if he ends up contributing more to the new joint house. Will it be 50/50 and if not then who is likely to contribute more. What are your relative salaries? If he is a much higher earner and you don’t want to share now then what happens with how you split your finances later if he earns a lot more.
I’m not convinced that it’s out of order for him to ask you to help out if the money generated from the sale of his house will benefit you.

It’s a tricky situation.

Doris86 · 24/01/2021 19:14

Save your money to put towards your joint house which will legally be 50% yours.

You don’t intend to split up, but your never know what’s going to happen. Splitting up is painful enough, but it would be even worse for you knowing that he had benefitted from thousands of pounds of your money that you’d never see again.

MiniCooperLover · 24/01/2021 19:14

Have you ever raised the question of why he'd like you to spend that much on a property you have no legal right to?

wildraisins · 24/01/2021 19:15

Saying you don't intend to split up is kind of obvious... no one intends to split up.

I still don't think it's a good idea for you to pay for him to do up his house. He owns it and you are not on the mortgage.

Contributing to bills and rent is one thing but unless you own part of the house then imo you shouldn't be spending your money on doing it up. That's up to him.

It's not really about whether or not you think you'll split up, it's just about what's right and fair. The house is his, so the costs associated with that are his. If he's offering to put your name on the deeds then it's a different matter.

TeachesOfPeaches · 24/01/2021 19:21

He is very silly to let you pay half the mortgage as you may have a claim to his house if you broke up.

themummyway · 24/01/2021 19:23

@TeachesOfPeaches

He is very silly to let you pay half the mortgage as you may have a claim to his house if you broke up.

I don’t think he realises that that’s what he’s done!

I reckon OP is paying him a certain amount each month (but not on his mortgage) so he thinks he’s covered... little does he know that the paper trail (assuming their is one if she’s paying into his account) actually benefits her!

@Centaurpede you’re paying into his account right?

Mmn654123 · 24/01/2021 19:26

@LolaSmiles

Mmn654123 Is it really that peculiar to find it quite odd someone would have a property that they are dependent on someone else paying more than half their mortgage?

I don't consider it peculiar to dislike sponging off others. I don't like cocklodging either.

Yes, your attitude is totally bizarre.

If someone elects to buy a property it will be based on them being able to afford it. If they want to generate additional income (whether to pay their mortgage off quickly or to go to St Tropez regularly), how is that sponging?

They have an asset. They could live in it alone. Or they could make the asset work for them by letting out rooms and generating income.

Who is she sponging off?

I’ve lived in rented rooms. I needed a room. They had rooms to let. It’s a simple transaction. Why would someone let me live in their home for free?

As I said, how many people (unrelated to you) live in your home? And do you let them live with you for free?

Livelovebehappy · 24/01/2021 19:35

Of course you shouldn’t pay for house improvements. But I can’t believe some on here are saying you shouldn’t even be paying rent. Yes, he is probably putting it towards his mortgage, but no-one gets a free ride in this life, and if you were renting your own place, then you’d be paying more. But also, if he is paying all the house improvements, and you marry in a few years time, moving into somewhere of your own, are you going to be paying equally into the deposit on the new house? Or will all the money for your new place be coming from the sale of his house? That would put him at a disadvantage.

Parkperson · 24/01/2021 19:35

I am not at all sure that posters are legally correct who appear to be saying if someone lives in someone else's house as part of a couple, they automatically can claim on the house if they split up (as long as there is a paper trail that shows they are a couple). Think of the number of women on here who have been divorced and have their new partner live with them but will not marry them because they don't want to lose the house. I really don't think this is true.

Butterymuffin · 24/01/2021 19:36

@Thewithesarehere

Not to derail the thread but getting a new kitchen to sell a property is not the best idea IMO. Buyers may not find it to their taste and may want to rip it all and start anew. Think about it carefully.

I said the same earlier @Thewithesarehere - I've always been advised people want to pick their own kitchen and it's a waste putting a new one in just before a sale.

StarsonaString · 24/01/2021 19:37

@LolaSmiles

Mmn654123 Is it really that peculiar to find it quite odd someone would have a property that they are dependent on someone else paying more than half their mortgage?

I don't consider it peculiar to dislike sponging off others. I don't like cocklodging either.

The mortgage amount often has little or nothing to do with the going rate for a room. Why should a lodger get cheaper than market rent if the homeowner's mortgage is small? I have had lodgers on and off for years and will likely continue even after I have paid off the mortgage. What should they pay then?

Sugarplumfairy65 · 24/01/2021 19:47

Please don't do it. My daughter was engaged and had a baby with a man. The house was in his name. She paid for a new kitchen, 2 bathrooms and the garden landscaping out of compensation she got for a serious accident. 3 months after the work was completed he told her to leave and she got nothing.
I begged her not to hand over her money to him unless she was on the deeds but he insisted they were getting married So it wouldn't matter. I also later found out that for the 4 years they were together, the only bill in the house that he paid was the mortgage. She even paid for his cigarettes when she did her weekly shop.

LolaSmiles · 24/01/2021 19:51

As I said, how many people (unrelated to you) live in your home? And do you let them live with you for free?
None because I don't want to share my home with a stranger. I wouldn't be expecting them to cover half my mortgage though.

Then again, I'm of the view that homes are for people to live in, and also have strong feelings about people buying up property as investments, career landlords making money off housing benefit (vs councils providing decent affordable housing for those who need it), large corporations charging sky high rents that kill town centres and so on, so those views will affect my feelings towards people expecting others to cover their mortgages.

Cheeseandwin5 · 24/01/2021 19:52

The problem with this sort of question. is that there are a lot of people who feel, most DHs are trying to commit some kind of crime again their women. People on here believing that he is trying to get you too pay for his costs before dumping you is incredible but normal for MNS.
As he is charging you less than the going rate rent ( and I notice no one seems to be calling you up for that as I assume only one gender is the victim), then it is unlikely he is using you for your money.
If you want to be fair I would tot up what the fair rent would have been and ofer that. If there is an additional amount, do a contract and agree the money is owned to you either by return of funds or part of your contribution towards the new house.
Sorry OP, you may get a few reasonable and fair replies, but they are too many rabid members who have a biased attitude - try asking the same question from his standpoint and see how many ppl would be saying he is cheap etc etc

SpilltheTea · 24/01/2021 19:55

Why on earth would you pay to do up someone else's house?

VanCleefArpels · 24/01/2021 19:59

It’s not only splitting up you need to think about. If he dies without a will his entire estate will be inherited by his next of kin (his parents if no children). Another scenario where your investment will be lost. Unless he makes a will.

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