Page 8 | Should i be worried about paying for boyfriends house

Centaurpede · 2021-01-24T15:05:14+00:00

So, I live with my boyfriend in his house, we are planning to move into our own one in a few years. He wants to do up this house and wants to share costs of doing that. I have enough to share costs comfortably but I would rather keep the money for new house which would actually be mine too. Aibu? Or should I set a limit on how much I will spend on this one?

Lurkingforawhile · 24/01/2021 18:17

Does he agree you're paying half of the mortgage, or does he think you're paying rent which is equivalent to half the mortgage payment? It's a really important point. Also, are the renovations going to improve the value of that's the purpose in doing them? A local estate agent can advise. You don't want to be the house that's the best in the street as you won't recoup it. Having said that a bathroom and kitchen apparently is a good investment. Good luck!

CuriousaboutSamphire · 24/01/2021 18:18

And you shouldn't really be paying towards the mortgage either, Do you mean she should be living rent free?

That's one of those things I disagree with. There has to be some compromise there or the non home owner gets a lot of financial benefit and the home owner not so much!

It will difere in each situation, but the staunch statement of "Don't pay his mortgage" is somehow saying it's fine for women to cocklodge...

luxxlisbon · 24/01/2021 18:22

I don't understand why people are against OP paying for live in the house she lives in. If she pays less than she would in rent then she is getting a good deal. She still needs somewhere to live, the boyfriend owning the house is irrelevant if she would still be paying less to live elsewhere.

Although OP I wouldn't pay for the renovations just because you don't own the property. You just have no idea what will happen down the road. If you have extra money or savings put it to a pot for a new home together, or remortgage the current place so you are on the mortgage.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 24/01/2021 18:23

Do you mean she should be living rent free?

Not at all - and you're right that this would make a woman as bad as a male cocklodger (what's the female alternative by the way? )

But there's a distinction between rent and mortgage and personally I'd want it kept

LolaSmiles · 24/01/2021 18:24

Well, if you are paying half the mortgage and bills what has he spent the money on? You say you have saved on rent but so has he, he has had his biggest outgoings halved (ish). He should be able to afford his own kitchen
This.

Unfortunately OP I think like so many other men he's seen an opportunity to make money at your expense. You've halved his mortgage payments without any legal claim on the property. He can use the money he's saving each month by you paying his mortgage to fund his own kitchen.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 24/01/2021 18:25

I'm sure I've seen a female version here somewhere.... [waits, expectantly...]

Thank goodness @Puzzledandpissedoff it sounded wrong.

luxxlisbon · 24/01/2021 18:26

@LolaSmiles Why is this a men vs women thing? OP has already said she currently pays less than she would if she lived somewhere else so they are both financially benefitting from the situation, nothing to do with the BF trying to make money at her expense.

Thewithesarehere · 24/01/2021 18:27

Not to derail the thread but getting a new kitchen to sell a property is not the best idea IMO. Buyers may not find it to their taste and may want to rip it all and start anew. Think about it carefully.

Parkperson · 24/01/2021 18:28

It's not fine for women to cock lodge. I think most posters here seem to agree that men and women should not do anything to improve a female partner's house if they are not on the deeds. There was a thread yesterday from a woman who was indignant that her builder boyfriend would not work on her house because he was not on the house deeds (and she would not let him live with her in case he gained some rights).
Of course there needs to be parity. As I said up thread, what is sauce for the goose. Although, there does need to be a word for a female equivalent of cock lodger.

Judashascomeintosomemoney · 24/01/2021 18:29

I am usually a softly spoken and measured kind of poster, which you would know if you AS me. However.......
JESUS FUCKING CHRIST WOMAN, DO NOT DO THIS!!
Of course, you love him , of course you’ve been together four years, of course you have no intention of splitting up, or course you’re going to get married........
I’m not so green I’m cabbage like, and never have been, but even I got caught out with this swizzle. Slightly different but veeeerry similar, 30 years ago, I was the one who paid all the rent and bills on our rented flat, I also paid for most of the food bills, ‘D’ boyf ‘used his money to pay for the car (his car, in his name) and to save money for the flat in London we’d both agreed we should buy before we got married (and he earns fuck tons more than me). Because we were definitely getting married. Except when we didn’t of course. And when we split, I had nothing to show for it and he had about GBP30k which he used as his deposit for the flat he bought immediately after we’d split. I was his support human. Fuckssake.

Sethy38 · 24/01/2021 18:30

@LolaSmiles

Well, if you are paying half the mortgage and bills what has he spent the money on? You say you have saved on rent but so has he, he has had his biggest outgoings halved (ish). He should be able to afford his own kitchen This.

Unfortunately OP I think like so many other men he's seen an opportunity to make money at your expense. You've halved his mortgage payments without any legal claim on the property. He can use the money he's saving each month by you paying his mortgage to fund his own kitchen.

Unless he bought the property knowing that his affordability was based on letting out one of the rooms. I did this.

LolaSmiles · 24/01/2021 18:30

It will difere in each situation, but the staunch statement of "Don't pay his mortgage" is somehow saying it's fine for women to cocklodge...
In most situations I dont think it's wise for anyone to be paying the mortgage on a property they have no claim on. It doesn't matter whether the person is male or female in my view.

A nominal amount as part of a similar agreement as a flat share or lodger would be alright, and I'd definitely be splitting bills, but these sorts of situations are disproportionately men with a house wanting to move their girlfriend in, have their girlfriend pay half his mortgage, plus bills, there's always talk of one day buying their own house, and one day being married. Then there's too often a reason (excuse) as to why the woman can't be added, why her financial contribution isn't identified, why they can't get married (usual cliches apply but it really means 'I want you to fund me and give me all the benefits of a partnership but I want to string you on and keep you dependent on me).
There's too many threads on here where women are shafted by not looking objectively at financial arrangements.

LolaSmiles · 24/01/2021 18:31

Unless he bought the property knowing that his affordability was based on letting out one of the rooms.
I did this.
That's fine but I'm guessing when you decided to let the room out you drew up the relevant agreements and didn't charge them half your mortgage.

DragonPoop · 24/01/2021 18:31

Yeah don’t pay into his house if it’s solely in his name, your just chucking money away. Fair enough chipping in for some tins of paint if you were feeling generous but no more than that! Surely he should understand

Sethy38 · 24/01/2021 18:34

@LolaSmiles

Unless he bought the property knowing that his affordability was based on letting out one of the rooms. I did this. That's fine but I'm guessing when you decided to let the room out you drew up the relevant agreements and didn't charge them half your mortgage.

I charged more than half of my mortgage. A lot more

LolaSmiles · 24/01/2021 18:43

I charged more than half of my mortgage. A lot more
So you bought a property you couldn't afford and expected someone else to pay your way. Lovely.

If you were dependent on someone else paying more than half your mortgage for a property how on earth did you get a big enough mortgage? Or was it that you could afford the mortgage but wanted to keep a certain lifestyle so decided to get someone else to fund your property investment?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 24/01/2021 18:44

Thank goodness Puzzledandpissedoff it sounded wrong

Don't worry, Curiousabout Samphire - it was probably my fault for not being clear enough

TBF the poster and her OH have been together a while and hopefully it'll work out ... but then some of us who were married decades thought the same and watched attitudes change very fast when it came to a split

spongedog · 24/01/2021 18:44

@Thepilotlightsgoneout

I'm not intending on splitting up with him

Make all financial decisions based on one day you might split up.

I think this is one of the best pieces of advice that I have read on Mumsnet recently. So many relationships do end, often as a real surprise to one party. I think it is fair enough to help with decoration, gardening etc as that is team work. But not large irrecoverable financial investments. I wouldnt even consider this with a legal agreement in place - the pfaff of trying to enforce.

toocold54 · 24/01/2021 18:47

If you were both in rented accommodation then you would both put in half together and seeing as you are planning to stay there a few years then you are going to benefit just as much as him.

A new kitchen will not be worth the amount you pay for it now in a few years time so you won’t be loosing much money if you didn’t get anything back anyway.

If you’re really worried about it why nit suggest you put less into a deposit for the new home?

LimpLettice · 24/01/2021 18:48

Another voice to add to the consensus, OP. Been there, done that, lost a fortune.

Lived with ExDP for several years, had a baby together, got engaged. Lived in his house and rented my flat out. Higher earner, paid half the mortgage as rent, half the bills and half any costs. We did the kitchen, including proper building work, installed a downstairs wc, bought a huge, expensive sofa. I paid for plenty.

1 year later discovered he was sleeping with half the Home Counties, had to rent a little house as I had tenants in, was thousands out of pocket. He then sold up at a much bigger profit thanks to the work, is still sitting on my sofa ten years later, and what did I get? Big fat nothing except payment on a loan on his home improvements and minimal child support as he weasels out of as much as he can.

Mumski45 · 24/01/2021 18:50

OP if you don't want to seem mean then why not help him out but have some legal paperwork in place. That way there is trust both ways. You could have a loan agreement in place with a charge on the property such that he pays you back if you split and if he chooses not to then you can get your money back from the sale of the property.

In the circumstances you describe he is asking you to trust him but in what way is he trusting you.

Youseethethingis · 24/01/2021 18:51

When DH and I were in this position pre-marriage, I was the home owner and I didn’t expect or ask him to contribute to costs sorting out the house.
He contributed contacts (he knows a guy for everything - joiners, sparks, plumbers etc) and brute strength when required and that was it.
I’d say it would be acceptable for you to buy portable things that will make the house look nice that you’ll be taking when you move. Nice kettle and toaster set, duvet covers, lovely fluffy towels, stuff that will “dress” the house for selling but you will get the benefit of long term.
Now way should you be going halfers on a new kitchen and the like.

SparklingLime · 24/01/2021 18:51

@Centaurpede

Minicooper, big things like kitchen etc

Logically I agree with most of you it doesn't seem wise, but I'm not intending on splitting up with him so I'm worried it makes me seem cold hearted and tight..

Is he worried that it makes him seem grabby and mercenary?

BackwardsGoing · 24/01/2021 18:54

OP you are very vulnerable. If he broke up with you then you would have to leave immediately.

You should have the equivalent of 6 months rent saved up in cash in case this happens.

Absolutely don't pay for any improvements unless he prepared to put you onto the house deeds. Remember he is making money by you living there and contributing to the mortgage and bills.

Mmn654123 · 24/01/2021 18:56

@LolaSmiles

I charged more than half of my mortgage. A lot more So you bought a property you couldn't afford and expected someone else to pay your way. Lovely.

If you were dependent on someone else paying more than half your mortgage for a property how on earth did you get a big enough mortgage? Or was it that you could afford the mortgage but wanted to keep a certain lifestyle so decided to get someone else to fund your property investment?

What a peculiar attitude you have Lola. Tenants need rooms to let. They pay market rates. For all you know, op could have lots of equity and a tiny mortgage and even if she didn’t, why the chip on your shoulder? People are allowed to be well compensated for sharing their home with a lodger.

How many people do you let room to? And is that for a nominal rent, on a charitable basis?