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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Should i be worried about paying for boyfriends house

302 replies

Centaurpede · 24/01/2021 15:05

So, I live with my boyfriend in his house, we are planning to move into our own one in a few years. He wants to do up this house and wants to share costs of doing that. I have enough to share costs comfortably but I would rather keep the money for new house which would actually be mine too. Aibu? Or should I set a limit on how much I will spend on this one?

OP posts:
GreySkyClouds · 25/01/2021 17:34

@MrsTerryPratchett

You’ll be fine, unless he breaks up with you.

Or dies

Or she wants to break up with him. At least if he breaks up with her he might feel some modicum of guilt and responsibility. If she falls out of love in two years and dumps him, she's utterly screwed.

I get the feeling from her posts that she wouldn’t. He probably knows this too...
ilovemygirls · 25/01/2021 17:39

Do not do this. I did... spent most of my savings in the end. He decided to dump me & kick me (and our daughter) out. He wrote to the council making me homeless. It was the most awful time in my life & lost everything. I had to start from scratch. For the first 2 years, he was charming. He changed quite dramatically after I became pregnant. Please do not put money into anything that isn’t yours. I beg you x

Mumofferalkids · 25/01/2021 17:43

YANBU - I did this for a decade, transferred money for the mortgage, spent on the house, as well as paying all the childcare and half the bills. Various things stopped us buying our next home for years (kids/nursery fees/both studying for higher qualifications ) and then eventually I left him and walked away with nothing but debts.

Ddot · 25/01/2021 17:43

I worked with someone who spent her inheritance doing up boyfriends home.
Dumped, skint and alone she did pick herself up again but it was rough

momtoboys · 25/01/2021 17:47

Absolutely DO NOT out $ into renovations unless you are on the deed or married. If you were renting by yourself would you put $ into renovating that house? Its kind of the same thing.

Dixiechickonhols · 25/01/2021 17:48

You are a lodger why would you pay to do up someone else’s house. This is how people usually women end up stuffed. House is his. If you split in 5 years he gets benefit of your time and money. Madness.

August1980 · 25/01/2021 17:49

Hmm. It’s a no from me too.. You might have no intention to break up with him but what of his intentions? Things change. Don’t do it. I know someone who lost her family home to her boyfriend. Her mum and dad and her still rent... the ex boyfriend now lives in their home with his new wife. When I lived with my boyfriend (he is now my husband) I didn’t pay for home improvements or rent - he didn’t want the money. I did our weekly shop, date nights, cleaner, broadband etc. There are ways for you to earn your keep but I think giving away your savings is rather risky.

Motherhenmichelle · 25/01/2021 17:51

I think that it probably feels like a perfectly normal thing to do but you do need to protect yourself, life’s so unpredictable, it’s awful I know but you could invest money but in the event he has an affair or he she die, rather dramatic, but we are living in funny old times you could have out that money towards a place you would need in your own, I separated from my partner 14 years ago, I never took half as we did a will and my half was always going to be for my daughter, he met someone else and they have a beautiful home, now he told his partner that he did a new will as his mortgage is paid and in his name, unfortunately he died on the 20th January this year, is his beautiful house will be coming to me, which must be devastating for her as they never married and she always worked, but the law is the law so be very careful, you never think it’s going to happen, but please believe me when I say it happens so be careful xx

iwannafurloughmydp · 25/01/2021 17:55

I do t know how old are you but you better understand from young age that money and love are too very distinct things. And you might soon discover that. Don’t ever mix them up. Even married couples make contracts when getting married or buy a house for this reason, you can only imagine. Don’t put any money and don’t trust his words unless you put it in a contract. Do t be afraid of saying that. And if you say and he doesn’t agree and get angry or harass you, there you go, you can see his real intentions. Instead, you can offer him that yes you are more than happy to put your money in it if he put your name in 10, 20% of the house. And see how he will react 🤣🤣🤣 if his intentions are real, change the contract and start investing on the house that will help you to buy your future house. Don’t be silly, be intelligent :) good luck !
(Men are dicks when it comes to money !)not all, but majority !

Youseethethingis · 25/01/2021 18:03

unfortunately he died on the 20th January this year, is his beautiful house will be coming to me, which must be devastating for her as they never married and she always worked, but the law is the law so be very careful, you never think it’s going to happen
It’s only bits of paper, marriage certificates and title deeds and wills, but they can make or break you in life and here is an example.
Maybe you can work out a way to be fair to the woman who has lost her partner and now her home? Legally you don’t have to, the law is the law as you say, but once it’s yours you can do what you like with it can’t you?

Barney60 · 25/01/2021 18:13

I actually did this, i did my house up sold it moved into partners, helped him do his up new kitchen garden landscaping new flooring decorated new bathroom, my condition was he also put house in my name, we did sold it moved into our joint house.
Please learn from what we are all saying.

littlebillie · 25/01/2021 18:17

I would recommend getting married it's a good fair financial contract

lazarusb · 25/01/2021 18:25

It would be a lot cheaper to consult a solicitor re: your options now rather than try and argue that you contributed to the mortgage and outgoings later (either in the event of a split or his death).

He should take independent legal advice too.

I'm not advocating that you shouldn't be paying towards mutual living expenses in the meantime, but court cases based on who contributed what are arduous and expensive.

Alpal1 · 25/01/2021 18:25

Sadly I know someone who did share her money with boyfriend did is now 15k worse. You should aim to contribute towards costs and mortgage but no more than you might pay if renting. He willl be profiting out of you which is wrong. In your shoes, this to me, would be an amber flag

SignOnTheWindow · 25/01/2021 18:27

@DareIask

I'm sure they will marry.

I think they're relationship is based on trust... I hope so anyway. Both ways.

If they're not married, they should at least have a will!

My bf of 10 years died very suddenly, very unexpectedly. We had both made wills, so at least there was no legal wrangle over the house.

SignOnTheWindow · 25/01/2021 18:31

@Motherhenmichelle

I think that it probably feels like a perfectly normal thing to do but you do need to protect yourself, life’s so unpredictable, it’s awful I know but you could invest money but in the event he has an affair or he she die, rather dramatic, but we are living in funny old times you could have out that money towards a place you would need in your own, I separated from my partner 14 years ago, I never took half as we did a will and my half was always going to be for my daughter, he met someone else and they have a beautiful home, now he told his partner that he did a new will as his mortgage is paid and in his name, unfortunately he died on the 20th January this year, is his beautiful house will be coming to me, which must be devastating for her as they never married and she always worked, but the law is the law so be very careful, you never think it’s going to happen, but please believe me when I say it happens so be careful xx
What are you going to do to make this fairer to her?
OVienna · 25/01/2021 18:40

I'd pay for repairs/purchase something I was using and contributing to the wear or tear on within reason, i.e. such as a new appliance. If you were about to put the house on the market to move somewhere together and doing things like painting and decorating or carpets etc in order to sell, I'd contribute to that too.

Big kitchen renovation to a house I didn't own? Nope.

Did you ask him why he doesn't want to move now, if you're planning on moving in together in the future anyway? If you for example said, let's get this place smartened up so we can buy a new and bigger place now and get the kitchen we want in the new place I'd be curious how he responded. If it's no, it's got to be here because of location xyz, tell him great, let's take steps to get me on the deeds now etc, we'll upgrade here and then see how we feel later. You'd basically be buying into his place. I can understand he might want so contribution to that, allowing however for what you've paid in rent. You need to think of a sensible number.

This is not a cheeky request and does not make you a tightwad.

If his reaction is totally negative I would assume whatever plans he's mentioned re moving/buying a place with you are at least three to five years away. Is that your timescale? And this is a somewhat generous assumption; he could not be sure he sees a future with you and feels since you're living there it's fair to ask because you 'benefit' from using the house. It shouldn't work like that, a new kitchen is a huge investment.

Also this from @Ileflottante If you’re worried he’ll break up with you for not pouring your own money into his house, then all the more reason not to.

Ddot · 25/01/2021 18:48

In an ideal world it would be fine lovely done up house then marriage and babies happy ever after.
BUT shit happens.
Sitting in a flat with not a penny to scratch your gluteus maximus is not fun. I know!

Celestine70 · 25/01/2021 18:52

Unless he puts your name on the mortgage stay well clear.

ISpeakJive · 25/01/2021 18:55

Wow! There's naive and then there's just being blind...(was going to use another word but don't want my post deleted)

shamelesschocaholic · 25/01/2021 19:00

Get a deed of trust drawn up to give you a beneficial interest in the property. Trust me, in my job I see so many people who have ploughed more money into a property with partner who they love only to split years later and wish they’d done a deed of trust to protect their larger contribution but end up getting 50/50!

Buffs · 25/01/2021 19:03

He shouldn’t have asked.

Passenger42 · 25/01/2021 19:13

Be careful on this, my friend was ordered to pay her partner a cut of around 7K when she sold the house as he had added value by doing odd jobs. Ensure you keep receipts for anything you have contributed to or better still say no as 2 years is a long way off. If you pay rent then tats enough

AmberItsACertainty · 25/01/2021 19:20

No way. I wouldn't contribute towards mortgage, repairs, renovation or decoration, he would have these expenses whether you lived there or not.

I wouldn't pay rent either. He's your partner and owns a house, you're not his housemate, buy somewhere together if he wants to share living costs totally but don't pay rent.

You can pay rent and live alone without all the compromises that come with sharing with a partner. Even paying rent with a housemate doesn't come with all the compromises of living with a partner. People who own a home and expect their partner to pay rent are stingy.

Pay towards utilities, food, TV licence, internet 50/50 and put 1/4 towards the council tax because it goes up if there's more than one person living there, or pay a proportional amount if you don't earn equally.

Flatcokeisnojoke · 25/01/2021 19:35

Invest as much as you like once you are married

Until then, it makes no sense, financially or emotionally to invest more than you can afford to lose

Marriage makes sense in this case, you can do a civil ceremony and do a big wedding party after corona

Or not marry, but then hold off the investments in HIS home which is in HIS name only (does this make him cold hearted by the way? Or can only women be cold hearted bitches by not giving their money away in return for trust)