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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should i be worried about paying for boyfriends house

302 replies

Centaurpede · 24/01/2021 15:05

So, I live with my boyfriend in his house, we are planning to move into our own one in a few years. He wants to do up this house and wants to share costs of doing that. I have enough to share costs comfortably but I would rather keep the money for new house which would actually be mine too. Aibu? Or should I set a limit on how much I will spend on this one?

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 24/01/2021 15:44

I'm worried it makes me seem cold hearted and tight

He doesn't seem worried that by asking you to spend money on someone else's property, he might seem grasping and tight.

Cocomarine · 24/01/2021 15:45

I would usually be shouting HELL NO as loud as anyone.

But you haven’t said what you’re contributing now. On the offchance that you’re very much subsidised then a contribution might not be unfair.

billy1966 · 24/01/2021 15:45

This is the same as him asking you to give him money that he "may" pay back, but isn't obligated too.

Keep your money for a house you purchase together when you are married.

If you are living with him, it is perfectly reasonable for you to be paying rent to him.

Contributing thousands to wards an asset which is not yours is ridiculous and if someone told me tgey did it and then split up and had to move out of HIS home I would honestly think that person was really naive and dim.

Don't be that person.

There is no need for there to be conflict either.
Just a calm conversation where you say I want to keep my savings to put into a house we buy together.

If you don't marry, it would be perfectly reasonable for him to ring fence his larger contribution if he makes it.

Flowers
Tal45 · 24/01/2021 15:47

I wouldn't spend a lot of money doing a house up, the value is mainly on it's size, area it's in etc. Decorating may attract more buyers but you might spend more than you get back (unless you're going from a wreck to a really nice finish in a really good area or do a lot of the work yourself). We did up our first house, all redecorated, new kitchen and the price went up loads - but the estate agents said it would have gone up exactly the same if we hadn't done anything.
I would get estate agents in and say you want to sell the house and find out if there's anything they think would really put buyers off and ask them how much it would add to the value if you got the work done.
Tell your OH that you'd rather save your money and put it into the next house, but if he wants to do his place up then that's his choice. The only situation where I would pay some if if I didn't pay any rent to live there (still I'd rather start paying rent than a lump sum).

Butchyrestingface · 24/01/2021 15:47

@Centaurpede

Minicooper, big things like kitchen etc

Logically I agree with most of you it doesn't seem wise, but I'm not intending on splitting up with him so I'm worried it makes me seem cold hearted and tight..

To whom would you seem cold-hearted and tight?

He doesn't appear to mind being perceived as a cheeky, chancing fucker. 🤷‍♀️

I'd tell him you'll contribute...once you're married and his property becomes a marital asset.

StephenBelafonte · 24/01/2021 15:47

No, why would you do that when you've nothing to gain from it?

Beautiful3 · 24/01/2021 15:50

No you don't pay to do up a house that isnt yours! You obviously pay rent, that's enough. Obviously the next house, you'll split all costs.

WhereYouLeftIt · 24/01/2021 15:54

@Centaurpede

Minicooper, big things like kitchen etc

Logically I agree with most of you it doesn't seem wise, but I'm not intending on splitting up with him so I'm worried it makes me seem cold hearted and tight..

Just because you're not intending to split up doesn't mean you won't.

If you're only going to stay in that house for a couple of years before moving to a new joint purchase, does it really make financial sense for him to be planning big upgrades? Will the costs of these upgrades be recovered on selling, when selling is not that far in the future?

As for seeming cold-hearted and tight, him asking you to sink money into his asset strikes me as just that.

SeaToSki · 24/01/2021 15:56

Its a good thing if he thinks you are financially conservative. You should be proud of being cautious with your money.

If its essential to do the kitchen up before you sell (and 99% of the time it isnt) then he can either marry you, put you on the mortgage or do some kind of loan that is secured against the house with interest payments (as you would otherwise have that money invested and would be getting a return from the stock market).

You shouldnt loose out on growing the money that you have sweated to earn and save, just to keep your boyfriend happy

thenightsky · 24/01/2021 15:56

No!

A friend of mine moved in with her boyfriend. The house was a country cottage with a lot of land, but needed completely doing up. She sold her own house and spent the money on his - fitted wardrobes, new kitchen, new bathroom etc.

Her parents even paid for an extension granny flat as they were going to move in down the line, when they needed more care.

They'd been together for 9 years and had the wedding booked, so you'd think all would be well.

The poor chap died of a massive heart attack with no warning and his family, who he barely had any contact with, turned up and swept the lot away and sold it. My friend and her parents got nothing. They were around £40k down.

StephenBelafonte · 24/01/2021 15:57

Is there any reason why you're not married? I mean you're living together and planning on buying a house together so it makes sense to get married really.

LolaSmiles · 24/01/2021 15:58

I wouldn't be spending any money on a property that I'm not on the deeds for. His property = his responsibility.
I'd save for our joint house in a savings account with only my name on it too.

If he isn't happy with that then it's a red flag.

BillMasheen · 24/01/2021 15:59

Not cold hearted and tight, just prudent.

It’s Not just if you split up (statistically not unlikely)

What about if he gets run over by a bus?

He could put you on the will and you might inherit, but what if he has life changing injuries and need ongoing care for the rest of his life and the house is sold to pay for that? You’ll be homeless and out of pocket to the tune of thousands on top of everything Else.

SeaToSki · 24/01/2021 15:59

And also if he isnt intending on splitting up with you, then he should have no problem with spending just his money now if he thinks he will get it back when he sells the house.

Would you ask him to put money into an investment you were thinking of without ring fencing his contribution?

NoOneOwnsTheRainbow · 24/01/2021 16:00

This happened to my friend. He paid tens of thousands on doing up her house (kitchen, extension, loft conversion) thinking they had been together for 5+ years and were in it for the long haul. She thanked him by sleeping with someone random, getting caught, then throwing out my friend. He never saw it coming.
If you do give him the money, get it in writing that it's a loan with a date to repay you by, so if you split up you can get that money back. I mean, would you usually just give someone you're going out with a big chunk of money for no apparent reason? You're not being "tight" by saying no. He's being a CF for asking!

Viviennemary · 24/01/2021 16:00

In a few years. Hmm a lot can happen in the meantime. No you shouldn't share costs of doing up a house that doesn't belong to you.

Bluntness100 · 24/01/2021 16:02

Wow. He wants you to pay to do up his house? And you’re worried he will think you’re tight, and not that he’s a taker and using you?

Ok.

VettiyaIruken · 24/01/2021 16:02

Nobody goes into a relationship intending to break up!

You need to follow your head not your heart when it comes to assets and finances. As does he.

Sit down together and calculate your respective contributions for this house and how that works out will selling it and buying together. Also what will happen if you split up before buying a house together - agree the value of your contribution to improving the current house and how that will be paid back in the event of a split instead of a joint house purchase.

Love is all well and good but people need to be logical

StephenBelafonte · 24/01/2021 16:03

In fact, the more I think about this, the more cross I am that in spite of the fact that you live together and are planning on buying a house togeter, instead of asking you to marry him, he asks you to pay for half his kitchen. Think about that.

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/01/2021 16:03

I'd rather be cold-hearted than a complete mug.

Dacquoise · 24/01/2021 16:03

Ask him to draw up a declaration of trust with a solicitor for any money that you invest in the house. It will give you a beneficial interest which you can claim back should your relationship not last until buying together. Costs around £500 in London area.

VettiyaIruken · 24/01/2021 16:03

And not a handshake agreement. A contract!

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 24/01/2021 16:04

He wants you to share the cost of doing up HIS house Hmm. No, I wouldn't be doing that. I might agree to buy some furniture so that if you split you can take it with you, or if you do move the furniture will go too, bit I wouldn't be paying for decorating.

MrDarcysMa · 24/01/2021 16:11

yeah sure just ask how much he's putting you on the deeds for.....

user1493413286 · 24/01/2021 16:13

I wouldn’t for the reason that if you split you’ve left with nothing and no one knows what the future will hold. I lived with DH in his place before we got married and I contributed towards decorating costs as it was our choice to decorate rather than an upkeep issue but I didn’t pay towards things like heating repairs, new windows as it wasn’t my place