Should i be worried about paying for boyfriends house

[Centaurpede]

So, I live with my boyfriend in his house, we are planning to move into our own one in a few years. He wants to do up this house and wants to share costs of doing that. I have enough to share costs comfortably but I would rather keep the money for new house which would actually be mine too. Aibu? Or should I set a limit on how much I will spend on this one?

[DareIask]

@MandalaYogaTapestry

Dareask what do you mean when you say that your son will not do his GF over? He can 100% promise her that he will be with her forever? Or, that if they split, he will pay her back her investment? Because she may believe that as his partner she did not to need pay rent and that he owes her thousands. They may disagree on anything, in case of a split.

Blimey. Now we're getting in to 'as his partner she doesn't need to pay rent' but as his partner she also needs to contribute nothing to the house?

I think we differ on 'partner'.

[Parkperson]

It is refreshing to see such pragmatic views on MN. Too often a woman moves in and expects half of everything her boyfriend owns. There seems to be much more of a view that original investments and properties owned before the relationship started, remain the property of the original owner after divorce. There was an AMA on MN yesterday by a woman who got a prenup prior to marriage to safeguard her wealth. Perhaps we are shifting towards normalising pre nups which is sensible given the divorce rate in the UK

[Ribboninthesky]

@DareIask do they pool all their money before he pays the mortgage? If so she effectively is contributing. My boyfriend who lives in my house pays only half the bills excl mortgage for this reason.

The best thing they could do would be add her to the deeds, split the mortgage jointly and get a deed of trust drawn up that ringfences his deposit amount to come back to him alone if they split and sell. The equity and the increase in value from her contribution would then be split fairly. I would honestly be urging them to seek legal advice.

[Osirus]

It’s great to be cautious, but, you’re in a relationship with this person. Does no one trust their partners anymore? I know they’re are some shit ones out there, but you’ve got to see the good in the one you’re with, surely?

My now DH put a lot into my house before he owned it jointly with me. And a lot more into it since. He loved me, and trusted me.

Maybe have a talk with him about your hypothetical concerns? Maybe agree to contribute a smaller percentage? Or agree for him to pay you some back if it goes wrong? If all goes well and the property is in good order and sells well, you’ll win in the end.

Or only pay what you can afford to lose? You said you could contribute comfortably. Save some, spend some. It may take a bit longer to get your own place if it goes wrong, but you’ve got to take chances in life. You can’t go through life not even trusting the intentions of the one you are in the most intimate of relationships with.

I’m not naive or stupid. I’ve seen it ALL. I know how things can go wrong when you least expect it. When you look back, the signs are always there. Are you getting any warning signs?

[rwalker]

Presume your living there rent free should would limit it no more than 4k thats lees than you would of paid rent in a year,

[CuriousaboutSamphire]

Osirus, many years ago I also pooled my finances with now DH, then newish BF. There wasn't a lot to it but one of us would have felt aggrieved had we split before the initial inequities were resolved. I wouldn't do it now!

It's that simple.

It doesn't matter how much, whether or not you can afford to lose it etc. It's called living in the 21st century and allowing that each individual has individual finances, credit reports etc.

A relationship that works won't founder becaue the finances are discussed and each individual protects their investment when not married. The chances you take in life don't have to be financial. And with the way that women still bear the financial losses in marriage, with kids etc it is only common sense for women to be more careful.

No amount of heart, love, trust etc can overcome that!

You could just as well say that OPs OH could deed her a % of his current house becasue they are in an intimate, trusting relationship. Then she could put a new kitchen in her house.

And it doesn't matter what sex the home owner, investor is. The advice is the same!

[Sciurus83]

As the others have said....NOOOOOOOO!!!!!

[Ribboninthesky]

@Osirus she won’t win in the end if it sells and her partner decided to get a deed of trust protecting his share of the deposit, eg the money he has made from selling his house, which has gone back to him. These are pretty common for non married couples.

[Parkperson]

As lots of posters have said, it is sensible not to be too trusting. There are increasing numbers of women who find themselves out earning their partners and they are enraged to have to split pension contributions. It has been that way for a long time with men. traditionally, one of the most significant reasons for homelessness amongst men has been the assumption that women get to keep the house, Thankfully, this is now recognised by courts who must factor in that men need homes as well as women after divorce.
Hopefully, this pragmatic view that pre marriage property gets to stay with the original owner, will help pave the way for greater fairness after divorce.

[themummyway]

@Centaurpede if you do pay any money towards doing up his house and you split up, you will be able to stake a claim in the property... depending on how much you cough up and provided you can prove that you've paid money to him.

[samanthawashington]

Listen to what people say. If you put money into someone elses house and are not on the deeds, then you may as well put it in their pocket. No one in a relationship thinks they will break up, but many obviously do.

[saraclara]

@EveryoneRevealsThemselves

And I know you're all going to flame me as being naive and old fashioned. Perhaps you're right. But to me if you're together, you're together

If you’re together then you should make sure you’re legally and financially protected equally and not risking fuxking over one of you if anything changes. And yes you’re going to get flamed, because if you and your son don’t think that his girlfriend deserves that protection and should have it, then I have worse words than naive.

Yes. I suspect this mother would see it differently if she was the mother of the girl with no rights, and not the mother of the man who holds all the cards.

[arethereanyleftatall]

I assume everyone saying don't is assuming you're paying rent and half the bills already, but you haven't actually said that.

So, purely financial works both ways. Sure, don't put money in to his house renovations, but then it would be equally fair of him to charge you the going rent rate.

[2021hastobebetter]

lazarusb

No. My ds was with his girlfriend for 7 years. She had a house bought for her by her grandparents. My ds funded two complete new bathrooms and updating the kitchen (she was doing a PhD and working part-time only). Then she cheated on him. He had no claim to anything and he lost thousands. She gave him 10 days to leave.

She's still living in the house with the man she cheated with.

Protect yourself because you never know what the future might hold.


^^^ this with whistles on.

I lived with someone in his house and we were engaged etc I paid thousands in ‘rent’ to him as I paid half the mortgage. We split up - he changed the locks and I couldn’t even get in to get my stuff.

Head before heart.

[PinkNails1]

You should contribute towards utility bills and rent if you’re living there with him, but you shouldn’t contribute to big renovations to a house that isn’t yours.

[BigPaperBag]

@Centaurpede

Minicooper, big things like kitchen etc

Logically I agree with most of you it doesn't seem wise, but I'm not intending on splitting up with him so I'm worried it makes me seem cold hearted and tight..

You’re not intending on splitting up with him but you don’t know his intentions. Not trying to say he’s going to dump you in the next 5 minutes but you just never know. Definitely save your money towards your own place and then maybe one day you can pool resources. To me, now doesn’t seem the right time as he’s the only one gaining financially.

[glassecase]

Definitely not

[MandalaYogaTapestry]

DareIask that's not "my" definition of partner. My point is, you, your son or his GF cannot know what will what will happen and how they will view each other's obligations in the event of a split. Especially if, god forbid, it is acrimonious. It is obcuois whose side you are on, and rightly so, so you cannot really have an objective opinion here.

[glassecase]

@AnyFucker

Wise up, lady. And quick.

Unfortunately this.

[Parkperson]

Male or female, it is important that men and women protect themselves equally. Sauce for the goose etc. It means that no one should expect to be gifted a share in a property that they did not help to fund before marriage.
Hopefully the guy in question will also make sure his prior investment is protected.

[Sethy38]

@AnathemaPulsifer

If it’s his house you shouldn’t be contributing to doing it up. If he dumps you next year your money would be lost.

And what if she’s lived there rent free For ten years and instructed zilch?!

It’s a ridiculous OP as such scant information

[Sethy38]

Instructed should read contributed

[themummyway]

OP if you're already paying towards bills and rent (even through informal payments into his bank out), you could well be in line for a stake in his property... if he f*cks you over and you want revenge, just bare that in mind! x

If we're talking 00s of pounds a month, especially if he has a mortgage, you could benefit here.

As you're partners and have evidence of this (photos, texts etc.), assuming there's no legal agreement in place that's been looked over by solicitors, you have a case.

Someone on here reported that her partner was able to halt the sale of her property and get half of sale proceeds some years ago. No name on any of the bills but was paying her money towards board etc.

[LetMeOut2021]

OP if you’re going to do it get yourself a stake in the property, legally.

[mamabear2010]

if you do get a legal doc saying that if you split you get what you put into the house back ,
i had a ex try and take my house which i owned and he never paid a penny into but lived here for 3 years. Luckly when he moved in ,i got him to sign a legal doc saying he had no claim to my house , he had forgotten this , luckly i hadnt .