"What? You?!" Sneery Teen

[PyongyangKipperbang]

He is 15 and literally NOTHING existed in the world until he heard of it, which I am sure he is not alone in.

He is into musical theatre. Goes on and on about various musicals he has found and likes. Ok, no problem there except he does it in a very sneery way as if I coudlnt possibly know about these things but I generally let it go.

When I was younger I planned to go into acting and part of my unofficial training when I was waiting to go to drama school was being trained in theatre production. There is a really good theatre nearish to me and I did some am-dram and got a lot of training in sound for stage productions and I really loved it. I decided that I would rather do sound than acting. Then life happened and I didnt go to school and blah blah but I did still do sound for am dram for a few years.

Last night I get "You probably wont have heard of it but there is this great musical called Blood Brothers which has great songs" and I said "yeah I know, they are good". "Oh you've heard of it?" and it just put my back up. So I said "Of course. Its been around for years and is very well known. I did the sound on it when it was on at X theatre about 20 years ago"

That was when I got "What? You?!" in an incredulous disbelieving sneery way. "You dont seem to me to be someone who could do that" And I got really annoyed and did shout that yes believe it or not I do actually know things, that I did have a life that didnt involve being a mother and to not look down his fucking nose at me. Oh and by the way, no he doesnt fucking know it all. I then asked him a few technical questions "do you know how to....." which he didnt and I could say "Well I do, so...." and he bogged off upstairs!

AIBU to think that sometimes it is justified to give them a smack round the earhole, because I have had the most incredible urge to do just that ever since.

That’s awesome. I work with some old school and new hip-hop names. The cool thing is the kids who are real hip-hop fans equally love and know both.

op....Are you..real?he offered to cook and you lessen the gesture cos its practice????????
should he care if you eat?? cut him some slack.stop-just stop.gay,hes a baby.honestly-he didni ask to be born.give him a cuddle.tell him your an irritable bitch at times n hes still the love of your life.which ..given (life)is short wi no guarantees,is gony slip past faster than you know.for fux sake. stop being narky.you get to set the bar. not move the targets.love him and let him love you.its so much easier

@PyongyangKipperbang

And FYI we are sweary family. So the "usual" swear words are not offensive to us. If they are to you, then thats your issue.

You therefore can't complain about him calling you a bitch.

@tolerable

op....Are you..real?he offered to cook and you lessen the gesture cos its practice???????? should he care if you eat?? cut him some slack.stop-just stop.gay,hes a baby.honestly-he didni ask to be born.give him a cuddle.tell him your an irritable bitch at times n hes still the love of your life.which ..given (life)is short wi no guarantees,is gony slip past faster than you know.for fux sake. stop being narky.you get to set the bar. not move the targets.love him and let him love you.its so much easier

Say what?!

@RootyT00t

Actually I can.

When I say we are a sweary family I mean that it is ok for anyone to stub their toe and swear. Or....lose their rag about something and swear. It is not, and has never, been ok for name calling with or without swearing.

@AttackOfTheFloppyKnob

Yanbu !

Reminds me of watching my friends puppies play with their mum, she'd let them explore so far but would reign them in with a firm growl and a raised paw when needed........raising teenagers isn't much different. They all need a firm paw at times. 🤨

I love this analogy!

So it took him 15 years to find out what his mom did for a living 😆 I can’t remember my mom singing a song, & knowing aaaall the words to it, I remember thinking she must’ve been up all night practicing. Upon questioning her it was a very old song from years ago 😊

PyongyangKipperbang

@RootyT00t

Actually I can.

When I say we are a sweary family I mean that it is ok for anyone to stub their toe and swear. Or....lose their rag about something and swear. It is not, and has never, been ok for name calling with or without swearing.

OP, you have quoted your swearing and confirmed it when a poster asked if those were your actual words. So you didn’t just swear about something you swore at your DS in an argument that escalated from very little. He shouldn’t have called you what he diid, but you both sound highly volatile characters. If you want a calmer home, it might be best for you as the more mature person to step back and try to stop these major rows happening. You don’t always have to get one over on him.

You were both disappointed, him because his brilliant new discovery was actually well known. You because he was sceptical about, rather than impressed, by your talents. But as the adult, you have to be the bigger person. And he’ll only know about your life before him if you talk about it - preferably not in the middle of a row.

So, teen wants to talk to his mum about something that he cares about, mum throws a competitive fit and swears at kid, and you think it's the kid that deserves a clip (no, smack) around the ear?

If you talk to him using swear words (like his "fucking nose"), you're swearing at him. And don't be surprised when he calls you a fucking bitch.

You're not his age and it's not a childish competition. You seem to have some self esteem problems that manifest in relation to your children but are not their fault.
All teens think they've discovered things. They did. It's novelty for them.
Parents are all cringe and couldn't possibly know much.
Embrace it.

Instead of turning it into a competition and about you, ask him what songs he likes best.

It could easily have been a moment to connect you over something you had in common, but you made it into another thing to be upset about.

He will get over his attitude, like teens tend to.
You won't because you're already an adult and see nothing wrong with your own attitude.
It may seem in future like you develop a good relationship, but these stupid arguments will linger in his mind.

There's still time, but not a lot. They grow fast.

Try to listen to him. Have you mentioned the musical again and asked him about it? About what he likes? Then you can introduce your opinion and your experience.
But, be kind to your child and you'll see that he'll return the favour.

Ah teenagers...I have 3. The eldest (17) thinks I am a positively pre-historic dinosaur roaming the earth. Whenever I refer to something from the past she quotes “oh, you mean when the dinosaurs roamed the earth such and such happened?” She can also be pretty dismissive. I was explaining something regarding the distortion of world maps the other day, explaining that maps being shown to children in Christian based countries (namely old British territories) would show the americas larger than they actually are and Africa smaller. I explained that Africa as a continent is actually huge! Much bigger than South America. My eldest tried to interject spouting other nonsense reasons for this and dismissed what I was saying. I told all 3 teenagers to Google it. The younger 2 teenagers did and...there was the answer including the distortion of the world maps. Eldest DD piped down as clearly she realises and did in fact NOT know everything.

My dd was EXACTLY the same about music!
When her favourite boy band covered a classic song I remarked I preferred the original. She was horrified that a) I knew the song and b) that I didn't think her boy band version was superior 🤣🤣
I did take her to gigs , some of her music choices and some of mine.
She has a fairly decent and varied taste in music as an adult now.

For what its worth OP, I think you were right to tackle your son in the way you did. If its just the two of you in the house he really cannot be lording it over you at all.
Good luck, I can tell you it gets better 💐

Our eldest was like this he out grew it by 20. Only trouble is now he’s 40 and I’m 60 it’s starting all over again. I know nothing. doesn’t matter that I have loads of life experiences to draw on. I call him out on it though, he just shuts up, at least I don’t get the back chat now 🤣

He's trying to find his own identity. Being a teenager is hard, especially now. Of course it's no excuse for being unkind or rude, but I would try to remember how hard it is to carve out space for yourself in the world.

I'm low contact with my parents because apparently I know nothing. There is no subject in the world that they don't know more on, even the profession I work in.
I rebellion parent, so I leave a lot of room for them to discover things, make connections. I'm interested in what they say & do and I do say ''I saw Nirvana at Reading, both years' but I try not to bore on or mention it every time it comes up.
DD is discovering 90s music, I make an effort to say ' I didn't know that' , give her some space to grow.
I never want to be the domineering bores my parents are.

I have brought my kids up knowing about me before being a mum so they do sort of get the 'me` behind mum but they are kids and I get they didn't know me back then and is hard for them to grasp.

But I do get it with music ' I've just found X band - they are amazing!!!' ' yup - listened to them when I was 15, still have the cd if you want to borrow it... ' ' oh... ' like the fact I listened to it has suddenly made it sh#t. I get it with homework too (despite getting all a and b grades - i cant possibly understand or know about what he is stuck on) and wholy crap - turns out subjects have barely changed in 20 years!! (in fact the set text in English is the same as mine was!) they aren't sneery or condescending but they don't really 'get it'.

But I feel you pain as yes - knocking them down a peg or two is absolutely fine - in fact they need to know they aren't God's gift to everything sometimes or you'll end up with a selfish, entitled brat for an adult child!

Maybe now you have cooled down from his insults and he's calmed down from what sounds like a drama queen strop - you can talk about joint passions. Maybe plan to catch a musical when things open up, see what's available on streaming... Rent is great - saw that at school, 3 steps to heaven, forbidden planet... Rocky horror... Little shop of horrors... So many greats!

Yes, as a teenager I was always being told I was too young to know shit and they were the experts. As I grew up, though, I discovered that actually they were even more ignorant than I thought.

I really dislike this tone of "take them down a peg or two" and "slap them down", even if you aren't speaking about literally hitting them (a concept some posters find hilarious). Respect is a two-way street and inexperience isn't the same thing as stupidity. Nobody should be actually getting hurt feelings over a teenager thinking they're out of touch. If you really are more grown up, like you're supposed to be, then act like it.

My own Mum's response: "If I were you, I'd worry less about how cool I used to be, and more about how uncool you're going to be, young lady!"

A good telling off never did a 15 Yr old any harm 😜 but yes. Maybe suggest doing something theatre related together

There's a difference between a telling off and the OP's reaction.

Tbh this sounds like six of one and half a dozen of the other.

Teenagers are often like this, you have to roll your eyes and let them get through the "I know everything and you know nothing" stage. That your kid can't believe you know or are good at anything doesn't change that you do know and are good at it. Let him have his oh so superior few years, he'll cringe later on when he realises what a tit he was being.

@GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom

Yes, as a teenager I was always being told I was too young to know shit and they were the experts. As I grew up, though, I discovered that actually they were even more ignorant than I thought.

I really dislike this tone of "take them down a peg or two" and "slap them down", even if you aren't speaking about literally hitting them (a concept some posters find hilarious). Respect is a two-way street and inexperience isn't the same thing as stupidity. Nobody should be actually getting hurt feelings over a teenager thinking they're out of touch. If you really are more grown up, like you're supposed to be, then act like it.

Op isn't getting upset about her teenager thinking she's out of touch. He could do that in a polite/ humorous way. She's quite rightly had enough of him speaking to her in an abusive way. He calls her a stupid bitch ffs.

He calls her a stupid bitch ffs.

Yes, and I've said in a couple of posts that that's unacceptable and there is no excuse. But that's actually a separate issue.

I'm now talking a bit more generally about people getting very upset because their teens think they know everything and that their parents are dinosaurs. That's not something people should take personally or too much to heart. And we should remember that teenagers deserve respect too. If you're always telling your teens in their formative years that they're thick and you're actually the one who knows everything, that's not wise parenting and it can be damaging. My parents were even thicker than 15 year old me thought.

Op isn't getting upset about her teenager thinking she's out of touch

She really is though. That was the entire point of her OP. Being called a fucking bitch didn't even warrant mentioning in her opinion until her 10th post in this thread. So I'm pretty sure it wasn't the main issue in her mind.

Sometimes being thought of as ancient and uncool can be an advantage. When ds was 16 he announced he was going to get a tattoo ( this was 20+ years ago before they became a mainstream thing). Instead of trying to put him off I announced that it sounded like a fantastic idea and I'd always fancied one as well, so why didn't we go together. He still doesn't have one, although I do.

Op isn't getting upset about her teenager thinking she's out of touch. He could do that in a polite/ humorous way. She's quite rightly had enough of him speaking to her in an abusive way. He calls her a stupid bitch ffs.

He did and it was wrong but that was at the very end of the row; the row that OP detailed in her first post. The row that had already got pretty heated with OP shouting and swearing at her son. It would have been a very mature 15 year old who would say, ‘OK, mum, I think we should just leave it there.’