"What? You?!" Sneery Teen

[PyongyangKipperbang]

He is 15 and literally NOTHING existed in the world until he heard of it, which I am sure he is not alone in.

He is into musical theatre. Goes on and on about various musicals he has found and likes. Ok, no problem there except he does it in a very sneery way as if I coudlnt possibly know about these things but I generally let it go.

When I was younger I planned to go into acting and part of my unofficial training when I was waiting to go to drama school was being trained in theatre production. There is a really good theatre nearish to me and I did some am-dram and got a lot of training in sound for stage productions and I really loved it. I decided that I would rather do sound than acting. Then life happened and I didnt go to school and blah blah but I did still do sound for am dram for a few years.

Last night I get "You probably wont have heard of it but there is this great musical called Blood Brothers which has great songs" and I said "yeah I know, they are good". "Oh you've heard of it?" and it just put my back up. So I said "Of course. Its been around for years and is very well known. I did the sound on it when it was on at X theatre about 20 years ago"

That was when I got "What? You?!" in an incredulous disbelieving sneery way. "You dont seem to me to be someone who could do that" And I got really annoyed and did shout that yes believe it or not I do actually know things, that I did have a life that didnt involve being a mother and to not look down his fucking nose at me. Oh and by the way, no he doesnt fucking know it all. I then asked him a few technical questions "do you know how to....." which he didnt and I could say "Well I do, so...." and he bogged off upstairs!

AIBU to think that sometimes it is justified to give them a smack round the earhole, because I have had the most incredible urge to do just that ever since.

@CecilyP

I'm sure there's more to the story than what you've said. There's more to my story too. It doesn't sound bad when I type it like this, but when it's an all the time, general sneery attitude, it becomes tiresome.

Actually, LindaEllen, it does sound bad; he sounds absolutely awful. You're a saint to put up with it. It must be really hard to keep your annoyance to yourself when he is around.

I agree I'd go as far as saying that poor @LindaEllen is experiencing abuse from her step family

Teenagers generally think they know it all. You went off on a totally over-the-top rant though.

I believe there is a middle way where you can both feel understanding for their insecurities and insist on good manners.

Normally, yes; however when a family's usual means of communication is a swearing match as in OP's case it becomes more difficult.

It is usual or teen to think they know it all and some element of tolerating that is needed, which Op clearly knows and has shown some toleration in the past. It enough is enough.

When teens get to the point of not just being slightly daft know-all’s, but become rude or disparaging of you, they just need picking up on it. A short sharp message about the thing you do know about, plus the problem with their attitude is needed. And if it keeps happening, pointing out that the rudeness or unacceptable aspects of the behaviour won’t be accepted.

In most cases, one short sharp comment will bring about improvement, even if just for a while. In some, the 2 comments and saying you won’t tolerate it. If it’s ongoing and really extreme and unacceptable then penalties required. But usually this isn’t needed. And at the same time you do have to just accept to some level that teens are self absorbed and finding their place with their peers instead of within the family. It has always been and this kind of behaviour will always be there from teens who behave like arses. Fortunately most get beyond it reasonably quickly and might even laugh at their former selves.

@LindaEllen

My DSS can be similarly sneery at me and DP. He thinks we're thick as pigshit. We're really not. I know education doesn't = intelligence, but I have stronge GCSEs and A Levels, plus a degree and various professional qualifications since. Plus we're both (DP and I) proficient in several musical instruments having completed all grade/diploma exams in them.

Yet the number of times DSS has sat there and laughed nastily in our faces for not knowing things is shocking. He does history at A Level and enjoys it, so likes debating various aspects of his course with us. I can join in with some of it, as I too have a history A Level, but the course content is very different now, so there are some aspects we didn't cover - for example he did ancient history whereas we did US modern history.

He will be disgusted at me when I can't join in certain debates, because I didn't cover the stuff. He has called us thick, and has this horrible sneery laugh that he does when he knows something we don't. I will admit that I once acted like a child and played him at his own game by trying to talk about something HE knew nothing about, and saying I can't believe he didn't know that .. but it didn't bother him whatsoever, he just changed the subject.

He hates me and his dad listening to music he enjoys. He'll come downstairs and say 'why are you listening to that, don't pretend you like stuff just to look cool' .. we've been listening to these bands since before he was bloody born!! And the urge to 'look cool' hasn't been with me since I was about 14! (And I failed at it then!)

He also looks down his nose at me a lot when I'm cooking. His mum absolutely adores cooking, so will spend hours in the kitchen for a meal that takes 15 minutes to eat. That's not me. I cook, and I cook well, but only because I have to - and I will cut corners, like grabbing a stir fry mix of veg instead of standing and chopping everything. And he will stand there and say things like 'my mum always does everything from scratch' or 'my mum would never use oven chips' - but it's always with this horrible tone that sounds like I'm something he's stepped in.

I actually ended up in tears over it once. His mum and DP split 15 years before I was on the scene so there's no competition whatsoever. I try my best. I don't find stepparenting easy, having no kids of my own, but I have tried my absolute best to get on with him, be there for him, and generally step up and take on the things that a 'mum' would do if she was living here. But it gets so trying sometimes with him looking over my shoulder passing comment on everything I do.

I'm sure there's more to the story than what you've said. There's more to my story too. It doesn't sound bad when I type it like this, but when it's an all the time, general sneery attitude, it becomes tiresome.

That's horrible! Does his dad not say anything to him? I'd be tempted to be cool towards him and say "well no one is forcing you to eat it" if he's rude about your cooking.

The sneering is foul - again, does his Dad say anything about that either?
He needs to be told this is not ok behaviour. Mind you, I'm not the best one to ask - when DS1 starts off on something, my reaction is usually to laugh at him or be extremely sarcastic, which might not be appropriate in a step-parent! But his Dad should pull him up.

LindaEllen

It sounds like your dss has some issues surrounding his mum and dads divorce that have nothing to do with you. Cheeky beggar re the chopped veg! I would buy a load of grubby fresh veg and next time hand him a knife and say “there you go dss - get chopping!”

Good on you. Nip this know it all behaviour in the bud, an awful quality to have.

@LindaEllen, that sounds horrible- and of course much harder for you to discipline being the stepmother, that is a totally different dynamic.

We've had some teenager trying to teach me or their father how to suck eggs moments. So far we've mainly had a good laugh together when it happens, but they've never been as harsh as the OP's son.

My parents and many of my other adult relatives were the sneery type. Everything I was interested in was beneath them, to them I had terrible taste in everything and was either an idiot or a slut or needing to save my arguing for the court room (weird when that's from a relative that's been arrested repeatedly compared to my not at all). So, I didn't buttheads with them on things like music or anything because we rarely if ever spoke on it.

My parents and I did buttheads on other things. I can remember my mother "cursing" me with 'may you have children just like you'. So now I butt heads with my teenagers about not paying attention or doing homework because they're reading or on a device instead... I can see myself in that, but while annoying it's not as bad as my parents seemed to think...

Agree with @Robbybobtail that this is most likely about his issues with his parents.

A few years back DH and I told our horror-loving DS to watch The Shining.

It was slow apparently, no proper story and incredibly boring (probably not enough gore). Now he's a bit older and studying film it is of course one of the most original and influential horror films of all time!!!

@JimmyTheBrave if it wasn't for the fact you said son not daughter this could have been me as a youngster I thought the Shining was SO BORING but when I studied film I found all the nuances and layers to it not to mention the work that went into making the film (though it did give poor Shelley Duvall a nervous breakdown)

My teen SS has started trying to cook for himself. He thought he was Gordon Ramsey this week when he put his chicken breasts on the top shelf of the oven to cook faster.

I tried to explain that it doesn't work like that and he looked at me like I was a nob head.

Looking forward to the fall out of undercooked chicken. ( bought extra loo roll ready )

@wishywashywoowoo70

My teen SS has started trying to cook for himself. He thought he was Gordon Ramsey this week when he put his chicken breasts on the top shelf of the oven to cook faster.

I tried to explain that it doesn't work like that and he looked at me like I was a nob head.

Looking forward to the fall out of undercooked chicken. ( bought extra loo roll ready )

What sort of oven do you have, Wishywashy? My gas oven would definitely be hotter on the top than the bottom (if I didn't use the fan), so technically things would cook faster at the top - but other ovens don't work like that, necessarily.

Maybe she has a fan oven. Although my fan (which doesn’t work properly) oven is hotter at the bottom (as I discovered to my cost)

Isn't the point that if you cook the chicken at too high a temperature, the outside will be well-done before the middle is cooked?

I don't cook meat, so may have misunderstood but that was my inference.

i absolutely feel your pain. my daughter has been telling me about abba!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i was born in the early 70s ffs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

also - she said a year/so ago (she was 17 ish?) "anyway, so the lead singer of queen .... freddie murphy ...."

i still have no words.

Of course the flip side of this is parents who can’t get their head around the fact that their kids know anything - even as grown ups with big jobs...their parents still think they are the knowers of everything

To answer a few questions, yes he is gay and very out about it. He made a huge song and dance about it and I think he was expecting a bigger reaction so he does try to provoke me. I just said that as long as he was happy and remembered that the rules around sex and relationships are the same no matter what your sexuality (no means no for both him and others, respect, legal ages etc) then all is good. I dont know if he wanted outrage or tears or what but there is definitely a pattern of trying to push a reaction to prove what a cow I am.

When that didnt work the sneering started and arguing at ANYTHING and I mean anything. If I said that the sky is blue he would argue it is red, you know what I mean. And the name calling.

When I say we are a sweary family I mean that I will cheerfully shout BOLLOCKS if I drop something or similar. Name calling like he does is not what we have ever done.

And we have had a sea change again today, he offered to cook dinner!

@lottiegarbanzo

Isn't the point that if you cook the chicken at too high a temperature, the outside will be well-done before the middle is cooked?

I don't cook meat, so may have misunderstood but that was my inference.

You could be right. I don't do chicken either, so this would have passed me by!

@PyongyangKipperbang

And we have had a sea change again today, he offered to cook dinner!

Well that's good! Hope he does a good job of it and doesn't then expect a medal and to be let off all chores for the next month just because of one meal

Not a chance!! One dinner does not make up for being a total shit! And I have just realised that he has his food tech lesson tomorrow......so its not quite the altruistic gesture it first appeared!

:o

I dont know if he wanted outrage or tears or what but there is definitely a pattern of trying to push a reaction to prove what a cow I am.

Ooooh yes, remember that one!!! Not re sexuality, but there was always something. Like he needed me to be a horrible cow for the sake of his ego. All I can say is now that he is grown-up, I think my refusal to rise to the bait is actually part of some sort of underlying security for him, knowing that people had standards that they stuck to even if provoked.

In ds' case a lot of his anger stemmed from his sister attempting suicide because of her chronic pain disorder, at about the same time as he was diagnosed himself with the same disorder. He found dd after her first attempt and I think his childlike faith in us died there. If we couldn't protect him from that, if we couldn't make his world safe...

But the good news is, it was still worth hanging in there, still worth standing up for ourselves whilst trying to be decent. As an adult, he accepts that the world is a scary place, but the people you love trying their best in it still matters.

The children now love luxury; they have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise. Children are now tyrants, not the servants of their households. They no longer rise when elders enter the room. They contradict their parents, chatter before company, gobble up dainties at the table, cross their legs, and tyrannize their teachers.
Socrates

It was ever thus.

However you do need to set boundaries and let them know they're not in charge, inc shouting/ screaming if needed.
You shouldn't let them rule the roost or patronize / look down on you. That never ends well. It often ends with minimal contact when theyre adults.