Family think I'm hiding a lottery win

[lordofthemings]

I appreciate that this is a bit of an odd one.

My family struggled financially when I was young - trouble paying rent, lots of debt etc. I was always hyper-aware of money and our lack of it - how I didn't have the clothes, tech or holidays my friends did. I used to feel very stressed listening to my parents panic about paying the rent and having people banging on the door.

Over the past ten years, I've worked my way up in my industry and now make six figures. My job is very full on, mentally draining and requires very long hours. Financial stability for me and my immediate family has always been of paramount importance to me (probably due to my financially unstable background), so I've been happy to trade off the life part of the work-life balance in order to feel secure, with the intention of moving into a less stressful role once I'm there.

Over the last few years, I've paid off all of my debts, mortgage and student loans. I've also bought a new car and a house for my parents who previously rented and struggled to pay. It should be noted that both mine and my parents houses are small terraces worth under £100K. The car was second hand (£5000). I'm not interested in or aiming for anything fancy - I just want to feel secure. I've also been able to take us on holidays abroad, which we never did, and weekend trips (not in lockdown, obviously).

Now the problem.

My large extended family (mainly uncles and cousins) are aware of some/most of the above as my DM tells everyone everything - it's natural to her.

They know I've got a professional job, but don't know my salary (I've never shared it with anyone - even (especially) DM - as I know I'd immediately be asked to lend money). This has somehow resulted in me being accused of hiding a lottery win.

Now they have all stopped calling me and my parents who are 'in on it' as I haven't shared my winnings. In the few conversations we have had, they've said things like 'you didn't need to give anything to me, but you could have given some to [their DC] for uni/a deposit/etc.' So now I'm an evil aunt too and my nephews and nieces aren't talking to me.

I considered at one point just sending them money, but I don't actually have much in savings - it all went on paying off the houses/debts. The next year will be spent paying off the mortgage on my parents house and then I'll step into a less stressful (but also less well paid) role so I won't have money to give them then either.

AIBU to have no idea how to deal with this!?

The thing is, even if you convinced them you hadn’t won the lottery and you were just very highly paid, it sounds like their next leap would be to expect you to share your salary instead. It wont really matter to them where you got the money from, they’ll think/know you have it and so they’ll expect you to share it.

Ignore them it's just sour Grapes because you've got a strategy and have made a success of your life and they can't get their act together

@rose69

Tell them that you had a lottery win and it all went in buying your parents a house so there is no more left

Don't follow this advice. It is stupid.

They are cheeky, rude and grabby people. I'm embarrassed for them. A relative has worked hard and has a few million in the bank. Never crossed my mind they should give us anything. If they offered we'd say no.

OP, you've done incredibly well for yourself and been more than generous to your DM. Do not for a minute second guess yourself and think you might owe these people anything.

They are not your responsibility. Some people have an entitlement problem and it has nothing to do with how much you actually have. I have a DB who stole money from me as a child and would ring me up asking for money when I was a student, full of reasons why I just have money to give him. It's them, not you.

Bloody well done for achieving so much.

I have in-laws like this. Ignore the entitled, greedy morons. They have no right to your money or your business.

Well it's got fuck all to do with t TV me so

It's interesting that you say your family aren't ethnically British- I imagined your extended family are working class British (in the north going by the house prices you mentioned)

I just want to say what an amazing person you are. What an amazing daughter you are. Congratulations on pacing your own way and working hard to create a fulfilling and rewarding job for yourself. You’ve done this. Nobody else. It’s entirely up to you how to spend your money. You’ve been incredibly generous and selfless to provide for your parents. It’s absolutely no-one else’s business what you do with your well deserved money. Be proud. Don’t give in to them. You’re a fantastic and inspirational role model for the younger generation in your extended family. Xxx PS; Please don’t buy a static caravan ... always invest in bricks :) Well done xx

Your whole family sound a bit grabby. I think you should have bought your parents house in your name to protect yourself. You also should not tell your DM anything if she is stirring up trouble in extended family for you because she cannot keep information confidential. As for extended family I would not care less if they did not contact you as they sound like entitled greedy losers. If you want to move to a lower paid less stressful job you should be building up your savings.

@lordofthemings good job on working hard and being able to look after yourself and your family.

*No, they're not good with money. They were in thousands of pounds worth of debt until I paid it off a few years ago. They just don't pay attention to money in/money out and sometimes make daft decisions eg replacing white goods if something goes wrong (however minor) without getting them looked at first. They (DM) also give a lot of money away, even though neither are working.

I aim to have paid 'their' house off in the next year or two. It won't be left to anyone else. They don't pay rent, but do pay the bills."*

This jumped out to me. It's wonderful to be in a position to be able to provide and look after family. However, as your family is not good with money management, you need to sit down with your parents and have an in depth and honest conversation about money. Tell them you are working very hard ( explain in detail exaggerate if you need to!) and mention/ moan as to how tough it is, how many hours you need to work, how tough and demanding the boss and clients are etc etc. This is to ensure that your parents don't spend the money frivolously and will understand/ respect the hard work you put in to be able to provide for yourself and them. The reason I say this is your family might not understand your work and as you keep progressing at work they might start expecting you to help them and extended members of the family and spend more of your money frivolously especially as your DM in particular is easily influenced and unable to set boundaries. Not paying attention to money and giving them away especially when they don't have savings, retirement and a home is not okay. It's comfortable for you now but as you move forward, you might have different goals
..perhaps want to get married, have children, get a bigger home ( only if you want to obvs) save for hobbies, travel and most importantly retirement. If you want to do that and continue to help your parents then you need to have proper boundaries with them. This might sound harsh but it is unlikely that your parents will ever truly understand your job or be able to set firm boundaries with the family ( which was a horribly entitled behaviour... Please cut them off without further thought. You need to have people in your life who understand and are proud of you and all that you have achieved. Why are you even considering having a relationship with people whose affection for you will be dependent on what you can offer them monetarily) Moving forward it would be better to keep all details of how much you earn, your bonus and any savings strictly to yourself. Please do not mention it to your family... Not even your mother. You know she cannot keep to herself ...so do not put her in the position where she feels she can't share. She is better off not knowing anything

It's tough, I married into a less wealthy family. I grew up poor but did well quite early so when I married, I was the highest earner in my husband's family (including my husband) and the whole extended family.

Well that wasn't fun. And of course I veto'd all the lending my husband has been doing, and called it all in gradually and sensitively.

It still is a problem as now my husband is doing really well and our finances our so complicated that we don't know what we earn really, and love well with our means. But the resentment is still there. It's a real shame. We deliberately play down what we have like it's shameful. But then they ask things like 'which hotel did you stay at?' And then treat us badly when we tell them the answer. The sad thing is we don't care - we love them and don't think we are particularly better than them as human beings. We always try to give generously without patronising. So hampers of they're self isolating etc bring extra booze at a gathering. But nothing that causes automatic expectations, and all on our terms.

Unfortunately this is going to be an issue for years to come so you kind of need to find a way of owning it. I'd say do share if you think they deserve it and treat you well, but do it on your terms, so nicer presents for the kids, a family meal for your birthday etc if you feel that you want to but definitely not when asked.

I think you should be really proud of where you are in life considering the upbringing you had. Your families financial situations are really not your problem and after the way they acted I'd never want to help them out again! I also think it was so kind of you to buy your parents a car and a house. Hopefully you can all get past this.

I would be slightly offended that they thought me winning the lottery was more likely than me have a good job and big wage!

Wow - just wow, sounds like you work hard and are doing a good thing.
I would just be blunt and tell the rest of your relations to f’off, none its none of their business,
But then people don’t like me much as I tend to speak my mind a lot, but who cares really

Families eh!

I can't get over how your parents gave you a stressful and difficult childhood by being so crap with money and now you've rewarded them by buying a house for them to live in they're giving you yet more stress of a different kind. You're a nicer person than me! You don't owe your parents anything you know and you definitely don't owe your other scrounging relations anything. Well done for pulling yourself out of all that by your bootstraps and being so successful, that's impressive.

Your parents view you as their golden goose....they are determined to get their hands on them thar gold eggs!
You think you are a sovereign individual who has every right to go out into the world and make your own fortune but in their eyes you are a kind of fairy livestock which should be yielding them up a valuable harvest💰

I know someone who did have a modest lottery win - about £40k *

She gave away half of it - about £2k each to 10 family members - GP, siblings and their teen / young adult children. Were they grateful ? Were they hell!

It caused a huge family row. Lots of them thought she has won millions and were disappointed with their measly £2k when they were expecting enough to buy a new car or new house.

The siblings with one or two children complained that they had lost out compared with those who had more children.

The ungrateful greedy buggers were horrible to her and she ended up wishing she had never won it.

Moral of the story - whatever you give them won’t be enough so give them nothing.

Tell your mum to button it.

Don’t tell her anymore about your career successes.

*details changed to protect the innocent

No need to justify yourself to them, although I would say I do know why you think I've won the lottery, I haven't!

Don't give them a penny cheeky devils!

This seems like either way your pickled if you reveal your salary, as then it's can I borrow x, and if you don't say about your salary they think u won the lottery, so I'd say it's most likely to let them think u won the lottery, because let's say you Ran into financial difficulties helping them, would would then then help you like you helped them or would they run for the hills with reasons x, ect ?

sorry to be blunt but your mum is part of the problem here-i would hold back on telling her yur financial siutation and job she clearly cant help telling everyone maybe because shes proud but its just fuelling the fire

problem is its probably to late but think about it going forward

Your mum sounds like a 'no filter' person....every thought that enters her head then tumbles straight out of her mouth🙊

so they just don't think you are good enough to have ever possibly earned this yourself. No insight, no respect. I'd give the uninitiated one chance and point it out in succinct terms what you have done, do and your job description (always give one chance) you don't have to tell anyone your personal accounts and then let them all die in the swamp of disbelief or not.

Op I’m poor and don’t have much money but if we need anything we save very hard, my dh side of the family assume and frequently say we must have won the lottery because we’ve either booked a family holiday abroad like a 3 star holiday in Spain or Italy when infact we just prioritised saving over going out drinking and we quit smoking etc, when I got a new household appliance or a new carpet or my dh got some sketcher trainers in the sale we must have won the lottery. They were deadly serious and used to get quite nasty and behave very bitter . Some people just have a different mentality and can’t understand that because you’ve managed to get stuff it’s because you have either saved and worked hard . My dh family were pretty much bringing in the same yearly income as us but they didn’t like spending there weekends in to save money and as soon as they had money it was spent, we know this and they frequently were desperate for money purely because of poor money management, we are comfortable but by no means loaded or lottery winners we have a combined income of £26,000 yearly.