Family think I'm hiding a lottery win

[lordofthemings]

I appreciate that this is a bit of an odd one.

My family struggled financially when I was young - trouble paying rent, lots of debt etc. I was always hyper-aware of money and our lack of it - how I didn't have the clothes, tech or holidays my friends did. I used to feel very stressed listening to my parents panic about paying the rent and having people banging on the door.

Over the past ten years, I've worked my way up in my industry and now make six figures. My job is very full on, mentally draining and requires very long hours. Financial stability for me and my immediate family has always been of paramount importance to me (probably due to my financially unstable background), so I've been happy to trade off the life part of the work-life balance in order to feel secure, with the intention of moving into a less stressful role once I'm there.

Over the last few years, I've paid off all of my debts, mortgage and student loans. I've also bought a new car and a house for my parents who previously rented and struggled to pay. It should be noted that both mine and my parents houses are small terraces worth under £100K. The car was second hand (£5000). I'm not interested in or aiming for anything fancy - I just want to feel secure. I've also been able to take us on holidays abroad, which we never did, and weekend trips (not in lockdown, obviously).

Now the problem.

My large extended family (mainly uncles and cousins) are aware of some/most of the above as my DM tells everyone everything - it's natural to her.

They know I've got a professional job, but don't know my salary (I've never shared it with anyone - even (especially) DM - as I know I'd immediately be asked to lend money). This has somehow resulted in me being accused of hiding a lottery win.

Now they have all stopped calling me and my parents who are 'in on it' as I haven't shared my winnings. In the few conversations we have had, they've said things like 'you didn't need to give anything to me, but you could have given some to [their DC] for uni/a deposit/etc.' So now I'm an evil aunt too and my nephews and nieces aren't talking to me.

I considered at one point just sending them money, but I don't actually have much in savings - it all went on paying off the houses/debts. The next year will be spent paying off the mortgage on my parents house and then I'll step into a less stressful (but also less well paid) role so I won't have money to give them then either.

AIBU to have no idea how to deal with this!?

Some people are savers and some are spenders, a fact that sinks a lot of marriages. OP, you're in a classic "no good deed goes unpunished" situation and there's not much you can do to change their attitude. If you've clearly told them that there was no lottery win and they don't believe you it's out of your hands, unfortunately.

I'm intrigued as to what culture your family is from. I'm guessing Filipino, Thai, or somewhere else in SE Asia?

So they haven't bothered to find out what you do yet they feel entitled to your money?

You don't feel comfortable telling your mum what you earn because you fear she'll expect you to give away your money?

If you give them money it'll be never ending.

Your family don't seem like they're offering much in this relationship. They should be proud of your accomplishments, not feel entitled to what you've earned.

OP what you describe is very familiar to me as one who has grown up in a third-world country where deep poverty is pervasive. Sadly it seems to be human nature to rage against and be envious of anyone who has managed to create more. The 'you've won a lottery' story is clearly nonsense and is just an excuse to be mean to you for what you have achieved. The important thing is not to assume it's your 'fault' and take on board the accusation. You have done nothing wrong - quite the contrary, you have been responsible and very generous. This is envy, pure and simple, and while you can have compassion for it you should absolutely not let it affect you or your life choices.

So basically they don't give a shit about you, they only care about getting money. Charming. On no account give in to any of it. They can bloody well earn their own.

I honestly don’t understand, I mean they can assume you’ve won the lottery but when you say no I’ve just worked hard etc then that’s the end of it .
Your not a millionaire you’ve just worked hard and spent money on feeling secure.
And your dms behaviour is quite bad , maybe it’s the culture I don’t know , that I know some cultures you are expected to look after family more than mine so I won’t understand.

It all fell into place when you said not ethnically British. As I was reading your posts everything you were saying was so familiar.

Yes, there are families and communities where the belief that £100k jobs are so unattainable that a lottery win is more likely. Are people so out of touch that they don't realise that?

OP don't ever let them know about your salary. All they'll hear is "regular income stream". For your mum, I'd let it be known that you've saved for two house deposits, they don't need to know they're almost paid off. Hopefully that stops them treating her like this. Then, just keep your distance as much as you can, otherwise they'll constantly drag you down.

Finally, congratulations, what you've done is extremely difficult to do.

For those who are commenting about a £100k house on a higher salary, we've done similar (although not £100k house, I wish!) because we want to pay our mortgage off quickly so we have more options after. I've also had a £5k car for ages - it does what I need it too.

Even if you had won the lottery, it's none of their damn business how you would spend or gave that money away.

This is one of the reasons why my plans is if I won the lottery, I'd tell my immediate family a while after winning, like 6+ months later, and I'd also tell them I won considerably less than what I actually won; and my family are pretty sane and none grabby, but still it's better to curtail expectations.

I see you've already told them it was earned with your wages, so you're not going to get through to them if they're sticking with it after the facts have been explained. So if they contact you again, I'd just start trolling them, say sorry you can't give them any money, as you're in the process of buying holiday houses in Monaco and Val-d'Isère so you need the money for those and interior designers at the minute.

For some reason, a lot of people view won money, especially large amounts as communal, and earned money as less so. It's weird, if a relative of mine won a lot of money or earned a lot of money, you know how much I would expect to receive... none, and rightly so.

I note some cousins are angry you haven’t paid their children’s uni fees.

This is of course ridiculous. However, hopefully those young people who are going through university will go on to earn higher salaries, and this will gradually be normalised in your family.

But keep your distance from these awful people.

@KenAdams I think a £100k salary is pretty unimaginable to most people, ethnically British or not. Especially outside of London. And especially the idea that a young woman 10 years into her career that you grew up with in an ordinary town is now earning this. £100k a year is almost in the same league as a lottery win in most people's imaginations.

(I'm not saying this to cast doubt on the OP at all - OP you sound absolutely brilliant and an inspiration).

Think how outraged people get about MPs earning £70k, which sounds like a fortune to many.

Let’s be honest, there is a lot of sexism in the general population as well.

I have a good salary, but look young (at weekends look in my twenties - partly because I am fat, so not boasting😂)

Mechanics assume my car is my husbands Or my dads, people assume my parents pay for my house. I was doing house renovations recently and sales people Frequently overlooked me for older couples, then show me the cheaper stuff.

Even in work, people assume the older males on my team are my boss!

If OP was male, people would find it easier to believe she was a high earner.

@Ideasplease322

Let’s be honest, there is a lot of sexism in the general population as well.

I have a good salary, but look young (at weekends look in my twenties - partly because I am fat, so not boasting😂)

Mechanics assume my car is my husbands Or my dads, people assume my parents pay for my house. I was doing house renovations recently and sales people Frequently overlooked me for older couples, then show me the cheaper stuff.

Even in work, people assume the older males on my team are my boss!

If OP was male, people would find it easier to believe she was a high earner.

Absolutely. Spot on. People don't even realise they are doing it.

I've had the same. I spent years working full time, investing, paying off the mortgage, saving, paying into pensions and not having any debts. It's all behind the scenes. If people can't see it or aren't financially savvy themselves then they can't fathom how you did it.
My dp and I bought a house, have a holiday cottage and a rental each all mortgage free, are part time and are retiring early. Some of my family were weird and questioning. There were some probing and suggestions of winning it etc.
What I don't understand is why you bought your parents a house with a mortgage. To me that goes against sorting myself out financially. I have and will help dc if necessary but not go up a generation.

Do the family know that both houses are yours? They seem to think that you've given your parents a house. But you haven't. You've bought two modest houses and are allowing your parents to live in one.

The total cost of your two homes is less than my daughter had to pay for her one open plan living room/kitche, one bedroom tiny cottage here in the South East (not London). Do they think that she must have won the lottery to be able to afford it?

[quote lordofthemings]@pandarific thanks for the thoughtful and measured response - unfortunately I think it would go down like a lead balloon. I've always been the black sheep in the family - quiet and studious while everyone else is loud and aggressive. I'm frequently accused of having various things up my arse because of the way I talk and act.

I'm not that bothered about losing contact (although I with the kids) but my mum is close to them all and is being rejected.[/quote]
If they aren't talking to you and there is a family rift anyway, now is the time to point out that your studious manner and work ethic have enabled you to grasp every opportunity that came your way, work incredibly hard over long hours, and make enough money to think about financial security for you and your parents. Not for every Tom Dick and Harry in the extended family who could presumably do the same as you if they out their minds to it. Perhaps the most useful thing you can offer the DC in uni is a work placement, an internship, some networking, if it is a career path they might be interested in and good at? Nothing that might come back to bite you, of course.

And well done. It sounds like you've made a real success of things and I'm pleased for you.

Ignore them.

You are hard working, generous and good to your parents. What anyone else thinks is irrelevant. And to be honest they sound pretty grabby and entitled anyway. If they want nice things, they could have done the same as you but they couldn't be bothered. Enjoy your financial security.

I recommend becoming a massive work "bore" whenever the topic of finances comes up e.g.
Them: "oh it would have been so nice if you'd helped niece with her uni fees she's got so much debt now"
You: "I know exactly how she feels, that's why I got into finance, it's such a rewarding field! Did you know niece could still convert, she would only have to do xyz professional exams if she wanted to get into it? I still have some textbooks in the attic I could lend her! Tell her to give me a ring and I'll talk her through the basics of P&L and financial strategy! Once she's qualified I have lots of contacts i could really help her get started and if she saves hard like I did there's no reason she couldn't pay off her debt and buy her own house just like me. I really hope she gives me a call, it's such fascinating work. Did you know last year I analysed the books of x y z client and we discovered a b c strategic changes which could be implemented and they've now increased their turnover 10% and their profitability 17%!" ... and on ad finitum

No way would I engage further them and absolutely no way would they get any money. Go NC and leave them to it! Be very careful if you keep your relationship with your parents that you don't tell them anything, to me it seems your DMum has brought this on herself and you.

Ignore it, they are being entitled. I would just laugh it off and say if you had you would have done and explain it is hard work that got you there

So your extended family is only really bothered about your money and not you. I'd let them get on with it if that's all they apparently care about. Even if someone in my family did win the lottery or was mega rich, I wouldn't expect them to pay for everything for me.

They are just horrid. Even if you did win the lottery it doesn't mean they are entitled to a share! I think. You are a lovely daughter and your parents should be so proud of you. Your aunt's/uncles sound jealous because their kids didn't turn out as you did and look after them

And to be fair it's your mum's fault. She shouldn't be feeling everyone everything especially about you. And she would know what they are like better than any one else. So she shouldn't be surprised. I think you are all better off without them!

Congratulations on how well you have done for yourself. And your Mum sharing the info with the rest of the family can be seen as oversharing by some and just proud by others. It depends on how your family is. Obviously now she does need to rein it in as family as seeing this big huge thing and are causing trouble by it. And as you have said probably can't fathom the money you make but that is non of their business and may also be jealous of how you have managed it. I would also suggest mixing and matching some of the emails that's been suggested but also along the lines of I have made having no debt and having a house for me and my parents as a priority. And that you don't have fancy things as you prefer to save it as you see houses as an investment. And specifically say what they spend their money on is their business (ie the holiday not uni costs) and what you spend yours on is non of their business. Also I would say that as they seem happy for you to pay of their debts and uni fees that if/when you have debts and (had children) need uni costs paying you'll be contacting them to share their money with you. I am sure if you had debts they wouldn't rush to help and so why should you, lottery or not. And no I would never tell them how much you earn as they will be expecting a monthly allowance for the kids by the way they asked already

Or, i know because of your mum you probably couldn't, a real kicker would be to say, well I hope once your kids start working they progress as well as me and save as hard as me and buy you a house!! 😂