Family think I'm hiding a lottery win

[lordofthemings]

I appreciate that this is a bit of an odd one.

My family struggled financially when I was young - trouble paying rent, lots of debt etc. I was always hyper-aware of money and our lack of it - how I didn't have the clothes, tech or holidays my friends did. I used to feel very stressed listening to my parents panic about paying the rent and having people banging on the door.

Over the past ten years, I've worked my way up in my industry and now make six figures. My job is very full on, mentally draining and requires very long hours. Financial stability for me and my immediate family has always been of paramount importance to me (probably due to my financially unstable background), so I've been happy to trade off the life part of the work-life balance in order to feel secure, with the intention of moving into a less stressful role once I'm there.

Over the last few years, I've paid off all of my debts, mortgage and student loans. I've also bought a new car and a house for my parents who previously rented and struggled to pay. It should be noted that both mine and my parents houses are small terraces worth under £100K. The car was second hand (£5000). I'm not interested in or aiming for anything fancy - I just want to feel secure. I've also been able to take us on holidays abroad, which we never did, and weekend trips (not in lockdown, obviously).

Now the problem.

My large extended family (mainly uncles and cousins) are aware of some/most of the above as my DM tells everyone everything - it's natural to her.

They know I've got a professional job, but don't know my salary (I've never shared it with anyone - even (especially) DM - as I know I'd immediately be asked to lend money). This has somehow resulted in me being accused of hiding a lottery win.

Now they have all stopped calling me and my parents who are 'in on it' as I haven't shared my winnings. In the few conversations we have had, they've said things like 'you didn't need to give anything to me, but you could have given some to [their DC] for uni/a deposit/etc.' So now I'm an evil aunt too and my nephews and nieces aren't talking to me.

I considered at one point just sending them money, but I don't actually have much in savings - it all went on paying off the houses/debts. The next year will be spent paying off the mortgage on my parents house and then I'll step into a less stressful (but also less well paid) role so I won't have money to give them then either.

AIBU to have no idea how to deal with this!?

Keep a very careful eye on your parents, as they may feel obliged to help them and give them cash, seeing as they have their "rich" daughter to help .

As others have said, I hope you have their house in your name, so they can't be bullied into any stupid equity release scheme etc....

And as for: "She's crying and at one point said 'we' should maybe have given them some money instead of buying two houses."

You need to be a lot firmer with your Mum - "Do you think I won that money or something? I work all the hours God sends, and I am NOT doing it for them, and I am not giving them my wages!!"

Well it’s quite clear to see they’ve only come out of the woodwork because they think you have money
You owe them nothing
Not even an explanation
They’ve shown there true colours . Do you want that toxic in your life ?

@diddl

"She's crying and at one point said 'we' should maybe have given them some money instead of buying two houses."

Goodness!

I bet you sometimes wish that you hadn't bothered to help them!

What does your Dad think?

He's not really invested in the situation! His side of the family is basically his brother who lives away - his parents are no longer here and he doesn't keep in touch with anyone else. He was hesitant about moving into the house initially as he said it felt like his child was looking after him and not the other way round but I sold it like he would be doing me a favour, which in a way they would. the house they were renting had all sorts of problems and the rent kept going up so it was constant stress for them both, he says he's glad to be out. he doesn't really say much else apart from things like 'come on now' when my mum cries

Fuck, there are some horrible people in the world. Even if you won 10million I wouldn’t give them any, I would set up a charity before giving it to them. Of course you don’t give the CFers any money!

Please also watch out that you mother doesn’t mortgage her property or take out a loan to give them money to get them to talk to her. It is very lovely to buy your parents a house, but live your life and treat yourself f now on.

@coronafiona

Just say 'I'm a lawyer (or whatever), abs I've worked hard to be able to have security for myself and my immediate family. It is not a lottery win, and I'm not yet in a position to help you, sorry' The 'yet' softens it but doesn't commit you to anything specific on any timescales.

Oh God don't say "yet". This is like telling a scam caller you'd love to talk but are a bit busy making dinner right now. They will take a mile. I like the rest of it. I'd just replace the last bit with "and I'm afraid I'm not in a position to help you". Full stop, no "sorry". They should be sorry, for spreading stories about you and having no decency.

@notthemum

OP, I am quite concerned for you that I haven't noticed that you have said that the house is in your name. Also can you explain to your mum that she really can't get loans out against it.

Both houses are in my name :)

oh you absolute fabulous child.youre mum n dad mighta made childhood tougher with financial crap-but wow!..you are rare.
i get the loud message you are a people pleaser.and your extended family are being dicks,
presumeably neither you nor parents keen to point that out???
i hate lies...praps in this shituation it might be a bendable rule. ??with view to ENDING their absolute nosey ness,anything grabby,and a lifetime of forfeiting the right to just be-to soften the blow for others.can you maybe use dms announcing ?confide in her the small (ie enough for houses)windfall,win,whatever is now depleted.and your back to square one.will still try save for treats but are..struggling meantime?//blame covid-its masking(oh that wasnt intended)a millions flaws??? if they duno whatchu do/payslip keep it that way. people are awful...also..please(having seen first hand what so called family leeching will drop to-make sure parents can NOT remorgage home...-please remember to do what makees you truley happy and not devote to fixing everyone elses issues.you matter

I think if it's not a relative you'd leave any money to in your will (and for most people I think they'd only leave to partner and kids unless they have an unusually strong relationship with someone else), they're not a person who has any claim on financial support from you.

I had a very wealthy and slighty scary great uncle who died when I was tiny - apparently a lot of the family sucked up to him hoping he'd help them. Two of the few people who didn't were my grandad and my dad, and in the end they were two of the few people to share in his estate.

They sound like a bunch of idiots.

Leave them to their bitter, twisted little lives. You don't need them.

You do not owe them anything. It’s lovely what you have done for your parents. It is none of the extended families business and I wouldn’t want to know them anyway if this is how they want to behave.

Totally off topic and nosy but what do you do OP? And well done for doing so well?!!

Secondly... just a thought but you mentioned you were always hard up growing up. Do you think your parents are better with money now (or was that not the problem)? Did you buy their house for them to live in during their lives until they pass, or is it theirs and will eventually be shared amongst your siblings?

With a bunch of grabby bastards like that, I hope it’s the former. Lovely gesture of you but maybe good to clarify that with anyone who thinks they’re in line for an inheritance.

@Nunoftheother

Of course YANBU - they're not entitled to your money whether you've won the lottery or not.

I must say, I'm very intrigued as to where you live, where you can find a job paying six figures but also buy a house for £100K (and why you went for such a modest property on that salary).

I live in the north west. Their house is in the same town they've always lived in (near the rest of the family - perhaps mistake but seemed like a good idea at the time) and mine is in a little market town. I wanted to get something small to get them paid off quickly, but also because I feel more comfortable in 'cosy' places. I was looking at static caravans on residential sites before I found where I am now! I still might move to one depending on my next job depending on whether/how often I need to travel (before lockdown I would stay in hotels during the week)

Sorry, just seen your last update. I would reiterate a PP and make sure your parents know there can be no debt accrued against and - god forbid - they try an equity release or something. Which shouldn’t be able to go through but christ knows...

I'd be blunt.

"All those things you have slagged me off for are the things that have led to me getting a highly enough paid job to support my parents. Dont blame me that you didnt bother. You want your loans paying off? Do what I did and work and save and pay them yourselves"

Or the shorter version "Fuck off and stop punishing my mother for your jealousy and lack of ambition"

At this point I think that I'd just give up, say that yes you did win the lottery but that you gave it all to a charity that rescues kittens, before adding that you're a sucker for their big round eyes and fluffy tails. That'll fuck them off even more. Whatever you say, they won't believe you, so why bother! That said, I didn't know that it was possible to buy a house for under £100k.

Are these cultural expectations OP? They sound really entitled. Do you really want this sort of folks in your life?

She's incredibly easily manipulated and genuinely thinks we've done something terrible, and is buying into the idea there was a conspiracy to keep it from the rest of the family.
Or she is manipulating you, like they are. Presumably her standing in the family will go up if she can persuade you to part with some cash, against your better judgement.

I'm glad you've kept the second house in your name as I had visions of your parents remortgaging it and then appealing to you to bail them out again. Of course, they may still run up fresh debts, and at some point you may be back facing this situation again only with your parents instead of your extended family. Talk about no good deed goes unpunished.

All you can do is what you are doing - hold firm, if necessary say all your savings are tied up in long term investments so you don't have any spare cash.

I'd be tempted to say
"look you lot, I know you think I've won the lottery but the truth is I've earned this money selling myself for sex after I've worked a full 10 hours a day scanning cheques and filling the ATM at the bank. I'm saving really hard because it's a grim job so stop asking me."

You need to nicely shut your mum down when she starts talking about what they say. Seems she wants to run with the hares and hunt with the hounds on this one. Just say "Mum, I think it's best if we just don't talk about what said. Talking isn't going to change anything so let's move on to something more pleasant" and change the topic.

The root of the family’s attitude is jealousy. No matter where your money comes from, you have more than them. They probably couldn’t imagine your monthly pay. And it would probably seem to them to be the equivalent of a lottery win. Every single month. You know the right thing to do. Absolutely nothing. You have your life plan and it is admirable.

@Wantthistobedone

Totally off topic and nosy but what do you do OP? And well done for doing so well?!!

Secondly... just a thought but you mentioned you were always hard up growing up. Do you think your parents are better with money now (or was that not the problem)? Did you buy their house for them to live in during their lives until they pass, or is it theirs and will eventually be shared amongst your siblings?

With a bunch of grabby bastards like that, I hope it’s the former. Lovely gesture of you but maybe good to clarify that with anyone who thinks they’re in line for an inheritance.

My job is basically supporting major change projects in the finance sector :)

No, they're not good with money. They were in thousands of pounds worth of debt until I paid it off a few years ago. They just don't pay attention to money in/money out and sometimes make daft decisions eg replacing white goods if something goes wrong (however minor) without getting them looked at first. They (DM) also give a lot of money away, even though neither are working.

I aim to have paid 'their' house off in the next year or two. It won't be left to anyone else. They don't pay rent, but do pay the bills.

@Palavah

I'd be tempted to say "look you lot, I know you think I've won the lottery but the truth is I've earned this money selling myself for sex after I've worked a full 10 hours a day scanning cheques and filling the ATM at the bank. I'm saving really hard because it's a grim job so stop asking me."

@Thewithesarehere

Are these cultural expectations OP? They sound really entitled. Do you really want this sort of folks in your life?

There probably is a cultural element, we are not ethnically British.

It probably seems awful now but some day this will make a terrific screenplay. Write some notes . Serious suggestion - sometimes thinking of awful people as characters distances the whole thing a bit.

If your nieces/nephews like you and not just the potential of your bank account, they can get in touch down the line.

@lordofthemings
Culture or not, it’s great to see you have made wise financial decisions. Your mother has to pay the price for having a big mouth. Also, turn the tables if you really want to keep any relationship with the children. Be blunt and straightforward and say it what it’s like. Since you don’t owe them anything, one day it will dawn on the honest ones what you really felt and what it was like. Feel free to spend it on your DM and DF but warn them not to share any other things with anyone.