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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family think I'm hiding a lottery win

388 replies

lordofthemings · 23/01/2021 18:47

I appreciate that this is a bit of an odd one.

My family struggled financially when I was young - trouble paying rent, lots of debt etc. I was always hyper-aware of money and our lack of it - how I didn't have the clothes, tech or holidays my friends did. I used to feel very stressed listening to my parents panic about paying the rent and having people banging on the door.

Over the past ten years, I've worked my way up in my industry and now make six figures. My job is very full on, mentally draining and requires very long hours. Financial stability for me and my immediate family has always been of paramount importance to me (probably due to my financially unstable background), so I've been happy to trade off the life part of the work-life balance in order to feel secure, with the intention of moving into a less stressful role once I'm there.

Over the last few years, I've paid off all of my debts, mortgage and student loans. I've also bought a new car and a house for my parents who previously rented and struggled to pay. It should be noted that both mine and my parents houses are small terraces worth under £100K. The car was second hand (£5000). I'm not interested in or aiming for anything fancy - I just want to feel secure. I've also been able to take us on holidays abroad, which we never did, and weekend trips (not in lockdown, obviously).

Now the problem.

My large extended family (mainly uncles and cousins) are aware of some/most of the above as my DM tells everyone everything - it's natural to her.

They know I've got a professional job, but don't know my salary (I've never shared it with anyone - even (especially) DM - as I know I'd immediately be asked to lend money). This has somehow resulted in me being accused of hiding a lottery win.

Now they have all stopped calling me and my parents who are 'in on it' as I haven't shared my winnings. In the few conversations we have had, they've said things like 'you didn't need to give anything to me, but you could have given some to [their DC] for uni/a deposit/etc.' So now I'm an evil aunt too and my nephews and nieces aren't talking to me.

I considered at one point just sending them money, but I don't actually have much in savings - it all went on paying off the houses/debts. The next year will be spent paying off the mortgage on my parents house and then I'll step into a less stressful (but also less well paid) role so I won't have money to give them then either.

AIBU to have no idea how to deal with this!?

OP posts:
Godimabitch · 23/01/2021 21:10

Good riddance to them. They've made it clear that they're grabby fuckers and feel entitled to YOUR money. Whether you'd won the lottery or not you wouldn't owe them a thing.
Do not give them a penny.

Justforphoto · 23/01/2021 21:10

Extended families all in each other's pockets, yep. Calling extended family auntie and uncle, yep. £35k being an impressive salary to show off about, yep. Think you might live near me op. I know exactly the sort of family you are talking about and you are going to have more luck persuading your mum to cut them off than you will shutting them down. Aside from that well done you've done amazingly well. Just do not give in to them it will never be enough

LH1987 · 23/01/2021 21:14

I wouldn’t be bothered if they stopped talking to me TBH. Even if you had won the lottery, it would be ridiculous for them to expect you to give them some.

You sound very generous BTW

MorelloKisses · 23/01/2021 21:15

What does you mother make of their reaction, to both you and her?

coronafiona · 23/01/2021 21:19

Just say 'I'm a lawyer (or whatever), abs I've worked hard to be able to have security for myself and my immediate family. It is not a lottery win, and I'm not yet in a position to help you, sorry'
The 'yet' softens it but doesn't commit you to anything specific on any timescales.

wendyleen · 23/01/2021 21:20

You wouldn't put up with friends treating you like this so why let your family?

I would take a massive step back. There is absolutely no need to explain yourself because even if you did there is a very high chance that they won't believe you.

If one of them happened to win the lottery, do you seriously think they would be offering to pay for everyone else's kids to go to uni/put down a deposit? No, I very much doubt it.

I am not at all surprised you have worked hard to better yourself if this is your 'norm'. Well done and don't feel guilty.

8obbingabout · 23/01/2021 21:20

Know this... You are amazing and your parents are so lucky to have you. What your doing for them is truly wonderful.

Im sorry to say but your extended family sound really dreadful. Please do not give them a penny. They sound very entitled and do not deserve it and No amount will ever be enough.

You have done so much with your salary I'd like to see you now enjoy your salary yourself and build your own family. Forget about your extended family they do not deserve you and do not have your best interests at heart.

Original poster
lordofthemings · 23/01/2021 21:23

@MorelloKisses

What does you mother make of their reaction, to both you and her?
She's crying and at one point said 'we' should maybe have given them some money instead of buying two houses.

She's incredibly easily manipulated and genuinely thinks we've done something terrible, and is buying into the idea there was a conspiracy to keep it from the rest of the family.

The idea that it's my money to do what I want with is something she agrees with wholeheartedly when talking to me, but then one of them will say things to her down the phone and she cries and agrees that 'we' should have maybe asked if anyone needed it first. Madness.

OP posts:
Original poster
lordofthemings · 23/01/2021 21:26

Thank you for all the words of support. It's easy to lose touch with what is and isn't acceptable/normal behaviour when family are involved, but I'm feeling more confident that it's a ridiculous situation and the best thing for me to do is to just keep living my life and not thinking about it/them

OP posts:
violetbunny · 23/01/2021 21:29

[quote lordofthemings]@tuttifuckinfruity yes - and here is where the mental gymnastics begin! before it blew up into a 'thing' and it was just starting to come out what they thought and had been discussing among themselves, I asked 'how much do you think I've won!?' the answer was basically along the lines of 'it doesn't matter because whatever you have won you've clearly decided to spend on yourself and not even mention it' (the 'not mentioning' it was originally the 'problem', then it was that I was 'not helping the children' out, but then it turned into what I think is the most honest one, that I knew they had loans and could have even offered a little bit to help out).[/quote]

Yes, you stumbled on the real truth there.

They do NOT really truly believe you won the lottery. They are jealous that your mum got what they perceive to be a handout, and they didn't. They are SAYING it's an issue that you never told them you won, but the truth of it is that they're just trying to lay on the guilt as thickly as possible to manipulate you into giving them money.

Honestly, I wouldn't see it as a negative thing that they're no longer engaging with any of you. Let them strop. If they choose to cut you and your mum out of their lives, then good riddance.

mylaptopismylapdog · 23/01/2021 21:33

Well done you’ve worked hard and made a secure life for yourself you don’t owe them anything. Having said that if there are young people in your family that could benefit from you helping to encourage them in the right direction to do what you have done without interference from others then I would do that in the long run that would be of more benefit.

ReallySpicyCurry2 · 23/01/2021 21:36

Ah, the "we".

I have a bit of experience of extended family like this. It's really enmeshed, and it's very unhealthy. It's also incredibly easy to be sucked into it, until you start thinking in the royal "we" yourself. Until you give yourself a shake and realise that each individual is responsible for his or her own self, plus resulting children, and there is no onus on you to pool the money you have worked hard for- because they wouldn't do the same for you - again in my experience, as enmeshed as these families are, and as much as they all subscribe to the "family first" group think, the reality is that there are one or two regular givers, and the rest are regular takers.

Ask your mum to stop for a moment and consider, really consider, whether or not she agrees with the idea that a woman of working age should view her wages as a public resource. If the fact a woman earns more highly than the family average means the overspill is the rightful property of Cousin Helen's Andrew, who is just starting uni.

You don't say if you have a partner or kids, so I'll assume you don't - again, I'd hazard a guess that they wouldn't view your wages as public property has a direct correlation to that. The subtext will be "well, what else would she spend it on", because in their eyes, any spare money would be better utilised by the children of the family. Be wary when you cut your hours at work - your spare time will now be a public resource too. Any elderly aunts needing a lift to the bingo?

diddl · 23/01/2021 21:37

"She's crying and at one point said 'we' should maybe have given them some money instead of buying two houses."

Goodness!

I bet you sometimes wish that you hadn't bothered to help them!

What does your Dad think?

ThinkingIsAllowed · 23/01/2021 21:37

well done on doing so well, it sounds like a great achievement. I also wouldn't give the wider family anything, they sound shockingly cheeky. As others have said, even if you gave something now it would never be enough. You'll be seen as a cash cow forever more, e.g. 'oh so and so needs £100 for x' etc, regardless of how much you've given before

ReallySpicyCurry2 · 23/01/2021 21:39

*hazard a guess that if you did, they wouldn't view your wages as public property, in my experience marital status/number of children has a direct correlation to that

GorvidAl · 23/01/2021 21:39

Their behaviour would give me the absolute rage and make me tell them to get to fuck. It’s none of their business how much you earn or what you do with it and they’re grasping, entitled shits. I would let them carry on thinking whatever they want to think and stop having them in my life.

BonnieDundee · 23/01/2021 21:41

Ignore the CFs. If they dont talk to you then you'll get peace from their whinging

notthemum · 23/01/2021 21:42

OP, I am quite concerned for you that I haven't noticed that you have said that the house is in your name. Also can you explain to your mum that she really can't get loans out against it.

cardswapping · 23/01/2021 21:49

Say your sugar daddy only pays for your services, not theirs.

Total lie but clearly they don’t do reason...

FangsForTheMemory · 23/01/2021 21:51

They sound dreadful. Why in earth would they be entitled to your money, however you’ve come by it. I would tell them to do one.

FourDecades · 23/01/2021 21:51

PP already asked, who owns your parents house? If your mother is that easily manipulated l would be concerned about the implications

CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 23/01/2021 21:52

@notthemum

OP, I am quite concerned for you that I haven't noticed that you have said that the house is in your name. Also can you explain to your mum that she really can't get loans out against it.
If the house is in the op's name her mum won't be able to get loans out against it.

If it's not, and her mum chooses to do this, that's her call, as long as she doesn't expect the op to bail her out.

It's entirely up to the op how she handled this, whether the house was gifted to her parents or she allowed them to live in her second home. And irrelevant to the thread

ilikemethewayiam · 23/01/2021 21:52

Well what a bunch of nasty bullies! I’m stubborn as hell. Anyone trying bully tactics with me would get the sharp end of my tongue and cut from my life, end of. Not very helpful OP sorry!

Kintsugi16 · 23/01/2021 21:53

Well done on working hard and being successful
They want to think you have won the lottery because that means it’s possible for them to have what you have.
The fact that you have worked hard and achieved what you have equates to failure on their part and hence there’s resentment.

I’ve been there

Nunoftheother · 23/01/2021 21:53

Of course YANBU - they're not entitled to your money whether you've won the lottery or not.

I must say, I'm very intrigued as to where you live, where you can find a job paying six figures but also buy a house for £100K (and why you went for such a modest property on that salary).