To Refuse To Marry?

[boggyd]

My partner and I have been in an international relationship for 4 years, and have lived together for the past 8 months. Up until recently, our relationship had been one of strong, independent equals. My partner was living in the UK on a work visa. Both my partner and I had high-income jobs, with their earnings slightly more than mine.
6 months ago, my partner said they wanted to leave their job in order to focus on artistic pursuits, something that they were unwilling to be flexible on, but that I wanted to support them with. This would mean that they would lose their visa. We looked at our options, and it seemed like it would only be possible to secure a visa through marriage, something I was reticent about but willing to consider.
Having learnt more about the financial implications of marriage in the UK, I am beginning to have serious doubts. I have significantly higher assets (5 to 1, seven figures) than my partner, and it seems like these will be difficult to fully protect even if we attempt an English prenup.
My partner is unwilling to have children, so that is not a factor. This means the only legal benefit to marriage would be to secure a visa, whilst I would need to be willing to comingle our assets and be the only income earner. If I do not agree to this marriage my partner will have to leave the country.
Our relationship is a good one, and I fear that I'm approaching this marriage in too cold a way, but at the same time I feel like I have to be realistic about what it would actually mean. Would I be unreasonable to refuse? I feel like my partner has left me with no good options.

@HaveringWavering

We are in a position where our relationship is viable in the short term if we maintained separate finances, but marriage does not allow that.

Can you explain this a bit further? Not sure what you mean.

Married couples can agree between themselves to keep their finances separate. It’s only when you divorce that your partner has a claim.

That confused me too. I’ve been married for 20 years and still have my own money. We put some together for bills but the rest is separate. That way if either of us want to piss it away on something then it’s our own look out.

If you can actually engage and refrain from getting distracted with name calling @Coyoacan - what do you find so challenging about what I’m saying. There are huge double standards on mn

Did you participate in the can a housewife be feminist thread, I did
The op was not working,unwaged ,and the partner paid for everything
As I said people vociferously defended the right to be at home dependent on a waged partner

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee

I would not even consider marrying someone who was aiming to be financially supported by me! Ahh so when it’s a woman as sole earner supporting a man that’s not ok

On mn when a man is sole earner supporting a hoiusewife that’s ok. I’m fact he should also contribute to her pension and further education

Do you read a different MN to me?

It’s fair enough if one person is a stay at home parent. Otherwise no.

You would be absolutely mad to marry this person, just don’t do it.

All other issues are irrelevant- you want to have a kid and your boy/girlfriend does not. You are absolutely incompatible on a base level, there’s no compromise on that matter.

@StanfordPines did you read the can a housewife be feminist thread?
Woman, no kids.no job.her dp paid for everything
Posters vociferously argued a home need upkeep and an adult at home is v nice thank you

Maybe they need to think about securing a job and reapplying for a work bias as a compromise nt you have been living together long enough for a partner visa

@boggyd given you have misgivings no don’t get married

[quote HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee]@StanfordPines did you read the can a housewife be feminist thread?
Woman, no kids.no job.her dp paid for everything
Posters vociferously argued a home need upkeep and an adult at home is v nice thank you[/quote]
A cocklodger does no upkeep, by definition. It's now how I'd want to live though.

Well if they're unwilling to be flexible on their artistic pursuits they can do that on their own savings in their own country can't they. Or they can act like an adult and do them part time like so many other artists and artistes.

It's interesting you feel it is your duty to support your partner; what is your partner's duty to you?

[quote HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee]@StanfordPines did you read the can a housewife be feminist thread?
Woman, no kids.no job.her dp paid for everything
Posters vociferously argued a home need upkeep and an adult at home is v nice thank you[/quote]
Some posters.

And we have no idea what sexes the OP is talking about. Could be man/woman or any combination thereof.

I think any partner who suddenly decides they wish to be financially propped up by their partner in order to lead a lifestyle of leisure is a cock/vag-lodging red flag.
Cock/vag-lodgers seem to be quite good at getting a relationship established and then deciding they couldn't possibly pull their weight and expect to be financially supported by their partner.

My friend dated one of these types. Neither were well off but once they were married he suddenly decided he wasn't fulfilled with his job and wanted to 'career change'. By career change he actually meant piss around with his hobby, making minimal money, making losses some months and expecting her to accept it because otherwise she was pushing him to be miserable at work.

You'd be foolish to marry this man OP, unless he gets himself a proper job.

Why would you let yourself be blackmailed? If you were so important to your partner they wouldn't have given up the job that allowed them to be with you. There's no requirement to support them. If they weren't able to support themselves by being an artist or whatever then why did they think it would be OK to give up work?

Are you sure they didn't know absolutely what marriage would mean for both of you financially? I suspect they did and you've been played.

When you say that you were independent and free to do what you wanted, before, do you mean that you both had each other's permission to date other people?

I worry that you maybe have not understood, or are not aware of everything about your partner's situation. It's not making sense to me. Are you clear about whether they took the job in UK because it was an exciting career move, or whether they came to be with you?

I might be cynical and misleading myself, but I've kind of got the impression that individuals with very high-earning potential don't just give it up. To have worked hard to get to that level professionally, you must have studied and driven yourself. As a pp said, art can be a hobby. You don't give up work to do it.

When you were dating long-distance for four years, which one of you were pushing to be together more? If it was neither of you, and presumably, with high-powered jobs you can't take too many holidays, then I'd call that a friendship not a relationship.

Re children, some people change their mind about having them. Is your partner really ruling it out completely, because does anyone know if theirs views may change in future?

I have witnessed a relationship similar to yours. Couple are now in the process of divorce. The high earner support the painter (failed) for 10 years with everything they needed to ''get on'' with their ''painting'' . They did have degree in Art History. This artist only cared about art and their painting. They had a Uk prenup. but that wasn't worth the paper it's written on. The earning partner had parents buy a property which was in a Trust for 10 years - that meant nothing. After 10 years the earning partner decided they did not want to live with the artist anymore and because artist had very low income the earner is losing a great deal financially and this will carry on through the years with pensions and other claims. Divorce is no picnic in these sort of cases.

I think any partner who suddenly decides they wish to be financially propped up by their partner in order to lead a lifestyle of leisure is a cock/vag-lodging red flag.

Absolutely. They've only been living together 8 months.
2 (!!) months after they move in together the DP announces that they want to quit their job to pursue their artistic dreams (whatever they might be) in the middle of a FUCKING PANDEMIC (sorry to bring that up - there's no phrase I hate more than "in the middle of a pandemic")
BUT seriously, in this case, who the FUCK decides to quit a stable job to pursue something in the arts (which has been all but decimated) and especially someone who needs to be working because they are on a WORK visa in the middle of a pandemic???
A wannabe cock/vag lodger that's who! Someone who's seen that the OP has a fortune in assets and a good job.

Unbelievable. Just say NO OP. Do not marry this person.
I don't know what field of the arts they are in but I'm a musician and am currently earning absolutely fucking nothing. I have another business too which is bringing in some money but I have earned 100 Euros from music since last March.

They need to get another job ASAP. If you marry them they will end up taking you for everything you've got and you'll be running around working your arse off while they are sitting around doing SFA.

Married couples can agree between themselves to keep their finances separate. It’s only when you divorce that your partner has a claim.

Great advert for getting married in UK. Not.

I'm glad I got married and divorced in a country where prenups are held up in law. left holding the baby

What exactly are you getting out of this marriage?
It doesn’t sound like you plan to be with this person long term if you do want children so you have to consider you will have to get divorced first and that as the higher earner brings with it a whole host of problems.

Also you do realise marrying someone just because they want a visa is illegal.

It sounds like they are a nice distraction but not the love of your life. Is it worth risking your financial security for a pleasant few years.

Help by all means by pointing them in the direction of an immigration solicitor but don’t go marrying them.

Wanting to rely on you completely, a cocklodger or a p*ssylodger.

And if you don't both want kids and one of you does, you're fundamentally incompatible. Don't carry on, thinking you might be able to win them round to it.

Sorryof this has been answered before but most people would get Indefinite Leave to remain after 5 years of employment so why did you partner not wait till then, especially when the economy is in such a state? It's hard to switch jobs regardless of industry.

Marriage is a huge commitment. Do not do it if you have doubts. Your posts don't mention love, care or the emotional side of the relationship which is important too.

I had to pay an awful lot to my lower earner husband on our divorce so do be careful.
Also remember you cannot currently marry in England even if no guests and no party (unless you are dying). Weddings have been banned in London since 19 Dec and a bit later for non tier 4 areas. We have a family wedding with 13 guests in March which is currently hanging in the balance because of the longest wedding ban since that against Catholics in the 1500s. The ban also applies to registry office ones too.

I'm concerned on your behalf that after a few months together (when, let's be honest there have been few other distractions around) your partner is already lining up your life to fit their whims: You must marry me, finance me, accept my decision not to work or have children. How flexible are they on your own choices in life that impact on them.

For now, I'd say no, that's not a reason you'd marry. You want to marry for love on an equal basis, not to secure the financial future of someone who has chosen to put themself in a precarious position financially.

I feel like it is my duty to support them

But even if that was a good idea, why would you need to be married to do it?

Unless their main focus on the marriage involves getting a visa, in which case I'd say it's time to open your eyes

Why the ambiguity about gender?