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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Refuse To Marry?

299 replies

boggyd · 23/01/2021 13:01

My partner and I have been in an international relationship for 4 years, and have lived together for the past 8 months. Up until recently, our relationship had been one of strong, independent equals. My partner was living in the UK on a work visa. Both my partner and I had high-income jobs, with their earnings slightly more than mine.
6 months ago, my partner said they wanted to leave their job in order to focus on artistic pursuits, something that they were unwilling to be flexible on, but that I wanted to support them with. This would mean that they would lose their visa. We looked at our options, and it seemed like it would only be possible to secure a visa through marriage, something I was reticent about but willing to consider.
Having learnt more about the financial implications of marriage in the UK, I am beginning to have serious doubts. I have significantly higher assets (5 to 1, seven figures) than my partner, and it seems like these will be difficult to fully protect even if we attempt an English prenup.
My partner is unwilling to have children, so that is not a factor. This means the only legal benefit to marriage would be to secure a visa, whilst I would need to be willing to comingle our assets and be the only income earner. If I do not agree to this marriage my partner will have to leave the country.
Our relationship is a good one, and I fear that I'm approaching this marriage in too cold a way, but at the same time I feel like I have to be realistic about what it would actually mean. Would I be unreasonable to refuse? I feel like my partner has left me with no good options.

OP posts:
HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 23/01/2021 15:28

I would not even consider marrying someone who was aiming to be financially supported by me!
Ahh so when it’s a woman as sole earner supporting a man that’s not ok

On mn when a man is sole earner supporting a hoiusewife that’s ok. I’m fact he should also contribute to her pension and further education

Iflyaway · 23/01/2021 15:29

You could potentially be supporting this person for the rest of your lives.

This reminds me of that saying: "When poverty comes in the door love flies out the window".

Don't do it. You are looking at a future that will be out of balance between you and then resentment sets in, which kills love.
And you don't want to be left holding the responsibilities - rent, living costs etc.

HollowTalk · 23/01/2021 15:32

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee

I would not even consider marrying someone who was aiming to be financially supported by me! Ahh so when it’s a woman as sole earner supporting a man that’s not ok

On mn when a man is sole earner supporting a hoiusewife that’s ok. I’m fact he should also contribute to her pension and further education

This person isn't a housewife, though. They are planning to stop work and create something. They don't want children. The OP is expected to fund this.
B33Fr33 · 23/01/2021 15:32

There's no point in entering into a commitment you are uncomfortable with.

TonMoulin · 23/01/2021 15:32

Btw I think it’s pretty clear that you are a woman (who is willing to put herself last and support her partner no matter what) and they are a man (who just does as he pleases whilst expecting his partner to bend over backwards for them).

What do you think will happen when you are married? And you want children?
Do you think your partner has shown in any shape or form that they will be willing to do the same sort if sacrifices and take the same sort if risk that they are asking you to take??
My gut feeling says NO. Because if they were, they wouldn’t have impose that lifestyle choice onto you in this way.

VettiyaIruken · 23/01/2021 15:33

@knittingaddict

To Refuse To Marry?
SimplyRadishing · 23/01/2021 15:33

He has already started meandering down cocklodger lane...

Love that he is inflexible re: "Artistic pursuits" which rengder him visa-less and you are expected to fund 😂😂😂

I wouldn't marry him in a month of Sunday's

Aquamarine1029 · 23/01/2021 15:33

Would your partner have quit their job without knowing you'd be there to foot the bill? I highly doubt it. They're counting on it.

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 23/01/2021 15:34

And you don't want to be left holding the responsibilities - rent, living costs etc
Why is it ok for men to have all financial responsibilities eg rent,food,living costs but not women

I read daily on mn that housewife is a job and a ft worker needs a person at home whilst they work. The mn presumption is always that’s a woman at home and on that basis it’s not challenged

An unwaged man dependent on a woman is not tolerated on mn

Peculiartimes · 23/01/2021 15:36

The answer is no, you shouldn’t get married.
I’m in support of marriage in general, but I have children and have had an experience of sacrificing my job in order to raise children. You’re not in the same situation. Don’t get married, makes no sense.

Indecisive12 · 23/01/2021 15:37

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee that’s usually where there are or have been children and they work out how much they’re saving the husband by not paying someone else to raise their children, have a nanny, cleaner, wraparound care etc for the rest of eternity.

Standrewsschool · 23/01/2021 15:38

‘Artistic pursuits’? Has he any business plan to obtain income? Is he talented in this area if expertise? Has he already already developed a business doing this alongside his regular job?

If the answer is no, then I would be very cautious. He basically wants to give up work, and sponge of you.

MintyCedric · 23/01/2021 15:38

I think there is too much at stake here to be considering marriage.

It's not just the finances, which arguably could probably be protected to some extent with good legal advice, but the issue of children which clearly isn't resolved.

The likelihood of things going wrong because of the latter issue is not insignificant and there will always be an element of financial vulnerability if you're married.

Circumlocutious · 23/01/2021 15:38

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee

I would not even consider marrying someone who was aiming to be financially supported by me! Ahh so when it’s a woman as sole earner supporting a man that’s not ok

On mn when a man is sole earner supporting a hoiusewife that’s ok. I’m fact he should also contribute to her pension and further education

Supporting a SAHM*
Iflyaway · 23/01/2021 15:39

I can't imagine marrying for a Visa.

That's cos you're lucky to have been born in a so-called "first world country".... the stories I've heard Shock

VettiyaIruken · 23/01/2021 15:39

When a man is a sole earner supporting a housewife that's ok

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Replace "housewife" with "mother of his young children" then yeah, that's often how families choose to do things. Women often take the career hit for the joint decision to start a family and it's fair for him to pitch in.

Wants to marry you for a visa, never have a child, quit working to ',do art' and have you fully financially support them, well, if you can find one post ever in the history of MN saying that's great, fair and reasonable, I'll PayPal you my life savings. 🤣

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 23/01/2021 15:39

Thread other week woman,no kids,no job her dp paid for everything
Posters vociferously argued that’s ok as she keeps house nice,makes it easier for the salaried worker

Grendalsmum · 23/01/2021 15:42

Don't do it! You don't want the same things out of life and they've backed you into a corner to guilt-trip you into agreeing to fund their artistic fantasy. Don't!

Coyoacan · 23/01/2021 15:42

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee

You've got more chips on your shoulder than a McDonald's, ain't you?

Most people are assuming that this is a man posting, but when there are no children and no serious illness involved, why would anyone have to support their partner/spouse staying at home?

Closetbeanmuncher · 23/01/2021 15:43

Protect your assets at all costs, don't marry.

ElizaLaLa · 23/01/2021 15:45

How long have you been together, how did you meet, what country is the partner from?

biddybird · 23/01/2021 15:47

Another consideration is whether or not, OP, you believe in his artistic pursuit.
Is he very talented?
(Not that it means he will earn anything even if he is, but your financial support will be going toward something meaningful.)

biddybird · 23/01/2021 15:49

… I mean he/she could be the next Mozart or Michelangelo for all we know.

womaninatightspot · 23/01/2021 15:50

I wouldn't unless you're happy for your spouse to freeload off you then at some point take half your assets and wander off into the sunset. Wouldn't be my first choice

FlamedToACrisp · 23/01/2021 15:51

@ComtesseDeSpair

I can’t understand why anyone with no joint children to protect or who didn’t want to receive or give to their partner all the financial protections of marriage would want to get married. We’ve spent recent decades creating this charade of marriage being about forever love and romance but it isn’t - it’s a legal and financial contract and always has been. If you don’t want your partner to have access to your money and assets, don’t get married.

By all means, buy them nice jewellery, tell them they’re the best thing that ever happened to you, hell, even organise a big celebration where you stand in front of all of your friends and family and declare that this person is the person you love the most. Just don’t confuse all that with a legal status.

This exactly!

Is there any chance you could 'employ' your partner and get them a work visa that way?

Or would your DP's current employers be able to give them a zero-hours contract?