To wonder why men don't seem to feel "mum guilt"?

[giantwaterbottle]

I don't mean this to be a man bashing thread, I've just been thinking about the above.

DH is a good dad and he puts in as much time with the kids as me, he's done half of the majority of things although I do more hands on as he works and I am on maternity (or if not have worked part time).

Every night I go to bed and think of all the things I did wrong/wish I hadn't shouted/been cross etc/feel guilty for not doing more crafts etc etc.

I also constantly worry about their development and if I'm doing things wrong/doing enough.

I spoke to DH about this last night and he said he occasionally thinks like that but rarely.

I just don't understand!!! Also he gets frustrated with them more than I do, so I don't understand how he doesn't seem to second guess himself.

I've spoken to friends about this and their DH's seem to be the same.

So why don't men feel this?

@SunsetSenora

It is not just mum guilt - women are raised to expect people to have the right to comment on them and their actions - and internalize it to constantly beat themselves up about what they do or dont do. Men are socialized differently. Its the patriarchy in action - if you lose confidence in yourself, you are less able to stand up for yourself. And so inexcusable ways of treating women continue.

Its absolutely this. I absolutely refuse to feel any guilt for doing my best as a parent.

Fuck the fucking Patriarchy!

Because 'mum guilt' is made up shite that not all women proscribe to either. It's billions. You do the best for your kids. And sometimes you have. Sometimes you drop the ball. You learn and move on.

I absolutely refuse to feel any guilt for doing my best as a parent.
⬆️ Hallefuckinglujah to that

Think of all the endless threads on here criticising other mums.

Is there a dad’s equivalent- no there is not.

Thing about threads on here they’re anonymous and removed from real life
Mn threads in no way impact on my real life. They’re the opinions of random folk I don’t know and will never meet
However the mum guilt that manifests in real life,it’s a thing.I get asked about it,it gets imposed upon me

Its about controlling woman.

Guilting them into doing all the CC, domestic chores plus you have to be shag ready,thin and perfectly groomed at all times, with perfect little moppets.

Fuck that shit !

I’m another one for the not feeling mom-guilt. I feel regret if I’ve been totally unreasonable and grouchy all day but then that’s the same feeling that I have when I’ve been like that with my students (I’m a teacher) or family. It’s fleeting and since I’m not like it every day I don’t focus on it very much. If I was feeling like that every day I would think something was wrong with me because it’s not my norm.

Mother guilt is outsourced to women on behalf of the rest of the human race. They just didn't get the memo because it was addressed to mothers. It said; carry the can for everything.

OP, this is a bit goady (sorry about that) but have you considered that possibly your DH doesn't want to tell you all about guilty feelings (or other negative ones) if he knows you'll be discussing them and comparing notes with your mates?

@HelloMissus

Think of all the endless threads on here criticising other mums.

Is there a dad’s equivalent- no there is not.

Yes, it's like the school gatesentality. When I was in a position to pick up the DC I learned fast I was happier getting there just at going home time, amd going straight off - think "Motherlamd" TV series, based on several kernels of truth spun up for comedy

I don’t think mn can be reduced to endless threads criticising other mums. It’s reductionist and misses the point

It’s a bit dismissive as in,oh look women moaning/criticising again

I don’t mind a criticism so long as it’s coherently put and well explained. I do lose the will to live at the catchphrase school of debate
Why have kids if you leave them with strangers
Men need a woman at home to further the man career progression
Two working people can’t have a career. Someone has to step down

Just asked DH if he ever feels guilty about not doing enough with the kids (who are currently glued to the IPads but we have been at the beach all morning and went to swimming lesson at 8am so not a biggie) and he said yes, he does at times.
Guilty because he misses the day to day stuff like pick up and drop off and walking to and from school and preschool etc which he hadn’t really thought about until he was working from home and got the opportunity to actually do it.
Now he realised how much he misses.

My perspective is that there's definitely a socialisation experience that puts a pressure on women that makes feelings of guilt re children far more likely than societal expectations of man would do.

I also think that men absolutely don't talk about it though, again partly because men are socialsed not to, about anything really, but also especially about child care.

One other point I'd make after talking to other men, is that men often feel the societal expectation to be the stoic one, so if their partner is worried and feeling guilty, they adopt the role of "it'll be alright", whether or not they actually feel that themselves or not.

There's a whole other discussion to be had about how this expectation affects men, both in terms of supporting their partner meaningfully, and their own mental health, but another time for that. My guess is it's probably not healthy for anyone.

Some men are just shits however, and really don't see reasons why they should feel guilty and/or just don't care.

Guilt is a useless destructive emotion unless it effects change. So if you’re feeling guilty over something you don’t want to change or can’t change it’s pointless.

@BubblyBarbara

Guilt is a useless destructive emotion unless it effects change. So if you’re feeling guilty over something you don’t want to change or can’t change it’s pointless.

Exactly. Like sitting in a rocking chair. Lots of effort and back and forth motion, but ultimately zero progress and still in same chair in same place.

It’s a very well known and studied phenomenon, that DOES effect mums more than dads, which researchers have theorised is a combination of differences in biology and hormones plus socialisation differences and societal pressure aimed at women that isn’t similarly aimed at men. I can’t believe there are women on this thread saying they don’t believe that mum guilt exists! Or that it’s not a gendered issue.... Google mum guilt and see how many articles, books, research papers etc appear. Or even parental guilt - and you’ll see most research says that this disproportionately effects women. I don’t know women are so invested on this thread in denying this....

I think a bit of mum guilt is useful. It makes me put down my phone and engage more fully with them. It makes me research activities we can do. But it doesn't keep me up at night.

DH doesn't feel it because I'm the primary caregiver and he assumes I'm picking up the slack.

Love how you gave a summation that effusively supports yourself @GrinchyMcGrinch and disregards the multiple posts you don’t agree with

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee actually my summation doesn’t support my own situation, where my husband is the more anxious parent than me. My summation is referencing trends that come up in research

Not everyone gets it ... but I do. I think it's because women are essentially still expected to be the main child cater. I'm pregnant with my 2nd. The first 16 were awful I could barely function and although I feel better I'm still not functioning 100%. I feel guilty every day that my husband is doing more than me. Like I'm taking the piss and failing as a mother.

He is a wonderful husband and has always done his share. In a really irrational way I also feel guilty about that as I feel judged by other women who don't benefit from an equal partnership. I feel like I can't complain as I'm basically doing a pop part time version of their job! It's sooo stupid!

My husband also puts a lot less pressure on himself parenting wise. For instance, if we are both shattered after a difficult day he doesn't feel bad about putting our son in front of the tv. Or if our son is in a fussy mood and wants weetabix for dinner he just goes with it. We're as I will try to force him to eat some carrot concoction that he will ultimately refuse!

@FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken

Totally agree!

Surely it’s the same with “partner guilt” though. It’s always us worrying about the relationship and not the fella

I’ve never felt mum guilt, I do my absolute best for my kids, I accept I’m not a perfect parent and nor should I be. I’m human.

@AbstractHeart

I think a bit of mum guilt is useful. It makes me put down my phone and engage more fully with them. It makes me research activities we can do. But it doesn't keep me up at night.

DH doesn't feel it because I'm the primary caregiver and he assumes I'm picking up the slack.

Maybe a bit of 'parent guilt' can be useful! but we shouldn't have 'mum guilt' imo

Women are conditioned to be nice, to be polite, to care for others, to put others above themselves and to be good mums and wives. Whatever they do, they're told by the general media and by social media that it's not enough and that they should be doing more and doing it better.

Personally, I refuse to feel guilty. I'm doing my best and it is good enough. My children are fed, warm, clothed, happy and are getting a good education. Yes, I worry about them but I don't ever flagellate myself for not having done enough with them or for having enjoyed a lie-in or a quiet cup of tea whilst scrolling through my phone or for wanting to go out to work rather than staying at home. I refuse to feel guilty because I realise that I matter as well.