To think that single parenthood is traumatic for parent and children?

[Hallomi]

I don't mean the title to sound goady or Inflammatory, I am a single parent myself. I just stood in the kitchen, and it came into my head. It can be more than stressful and pressurised, it can be traumatic. I know there are an abundance of research articles into the increased likelihood of this and decreased likelihood of that, and I'd always attempted to balance these arguments in my head (we're warm,fed,safe,quiet,I've got an education and ambition, relatively stable), but you can't argue away that you're on your own, and some of what CAN accompany that is traumatic, like a low income and being supplemented by benefits, having less control your life (having to tell benefits everything about yourself and any changes), judgement from others (which has happened quite a lot to me).

[DenisetheMenace]

thecatsthecats

I think I'm better adjusted than most to the marriage martyrs you read on MN who don't have a clue how to manage relationships. I got a lot of practice handling volatile adult behaviour as a kid and my boundaries are fab as a result.“

Never really looked at it that way before but now it seems so obvious. I’m the most diplomatic person I know.

[PixieLaLa]

@OverTheRubicon
The OP made sweeping statements that being a single parent = poverty and trauma which is BS. Plenty of single parents I know (and PP on this thread) are much happier on there own, have escaped trauma, and are financially better off being single. You can’t just make assumptions like that about single parents.

I personally have suffered trauma from abuse so when someone is using the word trauma to describe “having to tell benefits everything about yourself and any changes” then yes that is deeply insulting and minimises ACTUAL trauma. I think a better choice of wording was all that was needed.

[IceCreamAndCandyfloss]

I don’t think relationship status alone is traumatic. People can be happy both single and in a relationship likewise unhappy in either.Not all single parents are low income and on benefits either as they have good jobs.

I think the actual parenting, role models, education, household income have far more impact on children than relationship status.

[Hesma]

I'm a single mum to two beautiful DDs... I find it exhausting and lonely sometimes but not traumatic.

[Moirarose2021]

I'm a sp, not a low earner not on benefits. Being in an abusive relationship was traumatic but being single no and even easier since the abusive ex overdosed to give his new partner a fright ( did this to me several times when I tried to leave) but succeeded this time, dc thriving since then - were doing well before but exceptionally since

[Allington]

Single parent by choice here - I adopted my DDs. With a well paid, flexible job, my Mum up the road for mutual support, living in a lovely house in a safe area. DD is at a fantastic state comp (yes, they do exist) and I can afford to pay for her passion for dance.

DD has a safe, stable, caring environment, with a range of adults in her life to love and support her.

Any trauma in her life comes from her early years before I adopted her.

[Allington]

It isn't 'single-ness' in itself that is traumatic, but some of the potential consequences such as low income and lack of support. But they are not inevitable.

[Godimabitch]

I dont think having a single parent or being poor is traumatic. But I think parents are typically separated because one of them is a not very good person and that's traumatic.

I have life long mental health issues, not because my mum was a single mum and we were poor. But because my dad was a rubbish, selfish, lazy twat when I was young and my step dad is a nasty wanker of a bully. I'd have been better off with just my mum as a single parent than have either of those men in my life.

[GettingUntrapped]

I think the science now shows that prolonged stress and not being able to meet your own needs (breaks, time alone, propell yourself forward) has very similar effects to trauma, in fact is trauma...
So a single parent could indeed be traumatised by a lack of support. Previous DV wouldn't help either.
Having said that, people react differently to these things.

[thepeopleversuswork]

@GettingUntrapped

I think the science now shows that prolonged stress and not being able to meet your own needs (breaks, time alone, propell yourself forward) has very similar effects to trauma, in fact is trauma...
So a single parent could indeed be traumatised by a lack of support. Previous DV wouldn't help either.
Having said that, people react differently to these things.

That's true... but what's often not acknowledged is that being able to meet your own needs is as likely to happen within a marriage as it is on your own. You only have to read these boards to recognise how many women are trapped in sub-par relationships where they are doing all the domestic, emotional and in some cases financial work because their significant other doesn't pull his weight.

In a large number of these cases these women would be better off on their own where they may not have more money or support but they will at least have the satisfaction of knowing they aren't doing the work for two against the background of resentment and frustration.

The solutions to this are multiple: getting men to step up domestically is the most obvious one, but also for society in general to be more supportive of women who for whatever reason are bringing children up alone. And some of that includes acknowledging that while they may be disadvantaged in many ways, there is nothing intrinsic to their situation which makes them poorer parents.

[Thisisworsethananticpated]

Shit Moira

So he actually died
Well that’s 100% completion isn’t it?
Lord alive