To think that single parenthood is traumatic for parent and children?

[Hallomi]

I don't mean the title to sound goady or Inflammatory, I am a single parent myself. I just stood in the kitchen, and it came into my head. It can be more than stressful and pressurised, it can be traumatic. I know there are an abundance of research articles into the increased likelihood of this and decreased likelihood of that, and I'd always attempted to balance these arguments in my head (we're warm,fed,safe,quiet,I've got an education and ambition, relatively stable), but you can't argue away that you're on your own, and some of what CAN accompany that is traumatic, like a low income and being supplemented by benefits, having less control your life (having to tell benefits everything about yourself and any changes), judgement from others (which has happened quite a lot to me).

[Hallomi]

Sorry, I'm just writing what pops into my head...the tax cuts given by Cameron to married couples

[Hallomi]

But I think pp are right, it can be dependent on other variables, predominantly poverty...this is a huge cushion blow.

And again, always better to be out of bad relationships. So sorry so many have been through this.

[Royalbloo]

It's hard but it's not harder than living with an abusive drunk. And as for limited choices? Pah! We do what we want now

Shouting is banned in our house and it's lovely and quiet and stable now. I'm a better Mum for it and she's thriving.

As for judgment? No one judges when I tell them what he was like - in fact I think they're envious.

[jamesfailedmarshmallows]

I'm not sure if traumatic is the right word, and obviously there are lots of factors to consider Re what the parental relationship was before the split etc, but generally speaking I think the split/divorce of parents is a form of adversity on children. We have been binge watching World's Strictest Parents and 99% of their parents aren't together and they all attributed their going off the rails to their parents separation/divorce.

[Labobo]

It can be traumatic. But so can having two parents. Being in an abusive relationship or being a child witnessing one can be deeply traumatic. Having a controlling man dictate everything you or your mother is allowed to do is traumatic.

It can't be easy on your own. I have enormous respect for all parents who raise children alone. But it can be the less traumatic option.

[Skippinginthesnow]

@AwaAnBileYerHeid. To be honest, everything seems to be classed as a trauma these days so it wouldn't be hard to fit single parenthood into the box

I couldn’t agree more. Every other person I see these days (in a clinical setting) tells me they have PTSD. Most of them are under 30. A very small number have what I would consider a stressful event, the rest I would just call life.....yet they have managed to be referred to a psychiatrist and get diagnosed with PTSD.

[thepeopleversuswork]

turnitonagain

"Single parent encompasses so many different situations that it’s hard to generalise."

This is a really good point and worth unpacking a bit...

The phrase "single parent" has moral overtones which are a bit Victorian: implying sin, poverty and destitution, all amplified by Margaret Thatcher and her onslaught against us in the 80s.

It's important to distinguish what exactly people are suggesting is "traumatic" about being a single parent. Is it the money? (or lack thereof), is it the lack of support from a partner or the diminished ability to work? Is it the perceived impact on the children of having parents separated? Or is it good old-fashioned moral judgement.

In fact these are all very different points. Statistically a single parent is more likely to be poorer than a family with a couple, obviously, but it doesn't follow that all single mums are on benefits or very low pay. That skews things a lot. If you could net out the money side of things what are the direct impacts on a family of having a single household head?

a) lack of support: this is a challenge, but not one that can't be addressed by decent childcare: I've worked in a corporate job for six years without any input from DD's dad just by having a bloody good childminder. Yes it costs, but worth it in the long run.

b) having parents separated: case by case obviously and lots of factors here including how acrimonious the split was, how old the child/children were when the split happened, where the dad lives in relation to the mum, whether there are new partners and children on the scene etc. Impossible to generalise and there are some poor outcomes here but if a woman and children are removing themselves from an abusive or toxic environment, or even just one that isn't very happy, that's a good outcome

c) Moral judgement and social stigma is still quite a big thing, depending on where you live and your upbringing/religion/social circle. I would suggest a lot of people see single parenthood through a lens coloured by this and that a lot of the "trauma" could be avoided if we could learn to see it for what it is: a morally neutral situation which can work well or not depending on how well we are supported by society.

[bibliomania]

Having an inadequate parent can be traumatic. Having that parent inside the household is probably worse than them being elsewhere. So an lp arrangement may cause trauma or may be an escape from trauma.

(And the above doesn't account for all lp families - lp by choice, bereavement, or even happy co-parents who live apart).

[TitInATrance]

Single parent due to bereavement. The bereavement was traumatic but the single parenting was not.

Sometimes difficult and frustrating but not traumatic. There are some words we need to reserve for the worst of the worst. That’s not to say that traumatic things cannot happen while you’re parenting ... but it’s down to the parent to find a way through.

I would hate my children to think I was traumatised by the experience of raising them, when their childhood was actually a good time in my life.

[AwaAnBileYerHeid]

[quote Skippinginthesnow]**@AwaAnBileYerHeid. To be honest, everything seems to be classed as a trauma these days so it wouldn't be hard to fit single parenthood into the box

I couldn’t agree more. Every other person I see these days (in a clinical setting) tells me they have PTSD. Most of them are under 30. A very small number have what I would consider a stressful event, the rest I would just call life.....yet they have managed to be referred to a psychiatrist and get diagnosed with PTSD. [/quote]
I work in a clinical setting also and this is very much my experience. Many diagnoses which I see being handed out willy nilly are what we in the business would call 'shit life syndrome' or even just as you say, life.

Many people are being done a great disservice as a result of pathologising life.

[SquirrelFan]

Only child of a single parent here. Yes, I do feel it was a bit traumatic - it narrowed my world massively as we had no family nearby. Money was always a worry and we were all the other had. I had to disengage and move far away as an adult. Even so, she was always dependent on me and the pressure was too much.

[mangoandraspberries]

Difficult yes.

Fundamentally I think children are better off with both parents in a stable loving relationship. BUT this is not reality for a lot of people and so one loving happy single parent is much much better than being in a difficult relationship.

I honestly take my hat off to all single parents. I am not a single parent, but have seen various things happen to other couples I know recently that have made me wonder how I would cope with the kids on my own, so you have my utmost respect. Money and family support are key I think - having at least one, ideally both, would significantly reduce the stress i imagine.

[DenisetheMenace]

Emily

“Yes, the child is better off with a single parent than living with an abusive one, but the fact of the matter is it isn’t healthy and no child will grow up as well adjusted or emotionally stable as if they had the better chance of two loving parents.”

I think I’m well adjusted? Happy, long term stable marriage to a kind man, two happy, successful children and delight of delights a grandchild (even though we can’t see them atm). I live a very contented life and usually wake up happy looking forward to the day.
It very much depends on the individual child’s personality.
My older brother has lived an unhappy, sometime intransigent life (though he’s settled now at 60). I don’t think that’s because of single parenthood though, I think it’s because our father used to beat the hell out of him when he tried to defend my mum. He would have had a better life, I think, if my mum had managed to escape sooner. It was a bad home with a cowering mum and a tyrant that messed him up, not the tranquil home with one caring parent that came afterwards.

[MessAllOver]

There are so many expectations on mothers. The bar is so much lower for fathers as to what constitutes 'adequate' parenting. And, due to the way gender roles are conditioned in our society and responsibilities assigned, the unpalatable truth is that in many cases children depend so much more on mum than dad. If mum fucks up, the consequences are so much worse. For example, if dad doesn't show for contact, the kids will be disappointed and let down but they'll survive; if mum fails to parent, they'll be neglected, hungry and ultimately will have to be taken into care.

In many cases (not all, but I'm not talking about the exceptions), women carry men when it comes to parenting. But they're not superheroes... they're only human. So it's not surprising that some single mums (who bear the whole financial, logistical and caring burden for their families) have difficulty coping and that their children suffer as a result.

[pointythings]

EmilyFrost I'd like to see some research evidence of your insanely sweeping statement above: no child will grow up as well adjusted or emotionally stable as if they had the better chance of two loving parents.”

No child? Not a single one? I'm calling bollocks.

[mindutopia]

I was the child of a single parent and I definitely wouldn't call it traumatic at all. I had a lovely childhood (it was so much better than the early years living with my abusive dad). The thing is that childhood can be traumatic anytime parents aren't coping. Some parents just can't cope with life, period. Some can't cope because they are in toxic relationships. Some can't cope holding the fort together without support. But some do these things perfectly fine. Some people are just healthier and more okay than others. But you have to find the path through that is the best, even if it's not ideal. Being in a home with one healthy (but stressed) single parent is not traumatic compared to being in a home with two dysfunctional abusive angry stressed parents.

But, in the case of my own family, sometimes people are dysfunctional for reasons completely unrelated to whether they are single or in a relationship. That does mean they probably choose toxic relationships though.

[thecatsthecats]

@DenisetheMenace

Emily

“Yes, the child is better off with a single parent than living with an abusive one, but the fact of the matter is it isn’t healthy and no child will grow up as well adjusted or emotionally stable as if they had the better chance of two loving parents.”

I think I’m well adjusted? Happy, long term stable marriage to a kind man, two happy, successful children and delight of delights a grandchild (even though we can’t see them atm). I live a very contented life and usually wake up happy looking forward to the day.
It very much depends on the individual child’s personality.
My older brother has lived an unhappy, sometime intransigent life (though he’s settled now at 60). I don’t think that’s because of single parenthood though, I think it’s because our father used to beat the hell out of him when he tried to defend my mum. He would have had a better life, I think, if my mum had managed to escape sooner. It was a bad home with a cowering mum and a tyrant that messed him up, not the tranquil home with one caring parent that came afterwards.

Agree with this - my brother is like yours. He is awful at relationships because he's paranoid about repeating the pattern of his father and grandfather but at the same time hates women. He'd have been much better off with my mum alone and later my dad much sooner.

I also think that "well adjusted" is such a relative term. As long as someone isn't majorly damaged in relationships like my brother, having a nuanced understanding of human fragilities is a powerful thing that you just don't get in a normal family. My mum was hugely damaged by her first husband when I was a child, and although I don't exactly celebrate the fact that every day started with her reciting her own abuse at the hands of her first husband, I at least understand a lot more about people. I find that people with no experience, first or second hand of any even minor trouble strangely... Incomplete?

I think I'm better adjusted than most to the marriage martyrs you read on MN who don't have a clue how to manage relationships. I got a lot of practice handling volatile adult behaviour as a kid and my boundaries are fab as a result.

[thepeopleversuswork]

@pointythings

EmilyFrost I'd like to see some research evidence of your insanely sweeping statement above: no child will grow up as well adjusted or emotionally stable as if they had the better chance of two loving parents.”

No child? Not a single one? I'm calling bollocks.

Hear hear.

Moreover I'm sure the poster knows this is bollocks and is just merrily trolling for reasons best known to herself.

[HamAndButterSandwich]

NO child is being brought up in an ideal enviornment. Being a single parent is less ideal than having two loving, supportive parents. It doesn't necessarily means it's traumatic. It can increase the chance of the parent struggling to cope (especially if they don't have a support network) and a parent who isn't coping is traumatic for a child. Having a single parent in and of itself isn't traumatic though.

[HamAndButterSandwich]

Posters like EmilyFrost who make sweeping, judgemental comments with absolutely no research to back them up are usually acting out on some kind of insecurity in their own lives. If I watched her parenting for a year I could point out a number of issues which put her children at a disadvantage compared to others. No family situation is perfect.

[thepeopleversuswork]

Having a single parent in and of itself isn't traumatic though.

This is exactly what I think. The single parenthood itself isn't the problem. It's neutral and in certain circumstances it can be advantageous.

It's the environment which that single parenthood operates in: in particular the tendency towards there being less financial security, the toxic circumstances of a breakup and the fact that the single parent typically has less support.

But there's nothing innate about coupledom which makes it an automatically more benign environment for the raising of children to having one parent.

[HamAndButterSandwich]

@thepeopleversuswork

Exactly. One of my friends is a single mum to one daughter. She has her (younngish and healthy) parents living down the same street and they both adore their GD - help with childcare and housework, provide emotional support etc. She also has her brother and his family nearby who also helps sometimes. My friend also has a well paid, fairly flexible career. She's much less stressed than most couples raising kids, her daughter gets loads of attention and love and has stability. The situation is in no way traumatic for anyone.

If you were on a very low income and had a number of kids with no family or close friends to support you then of course being single is going to make it much harder. Having to provide emotional support to your kids with no one to help with practicalities and no one to give you some emotional or financial support is going to be incredibly difficult for most people, I'm sure some people still do a great job but the likelihood of the child lacking stability due to a stressed parent who isn't emotional available or insecure housing or financial worries is just much higher.

[user1471538283]

It depends on the parent or parents. I think it can be traumatic for thr single alone parent and it is sometimes overwhelming. But if the parent is good and puts the child first I dont think its traumatic for the child.

[OverTheRubicon]

[quote Skippinginthesnow]**@AwaAnBileYerHeid. To be honest, everything seems to be classed as a trauma these days so it wouldn't be hard to fit single parenthood into the box

I couldn’t agree more. Every other person I see these days (in a clinical setting) tells me they have PTSD. Most of them are under 30. A very small number have what I would consider a stressful event, the rest I would just call life.....yet they have managed to be referred to a psychiatrist and get diagnosed with PTSD. [/quote]
And even over 30! Half the posters on MN these days have 'crippling anxiety' and often other specific and previously unusual.conditions from emetophobia to PTSD in the bargain.

As someone with a family member with combat-related PTSD, I think it is massively unhelpful when the diagnosis appears to apply to almost anyone who had a mildly bad thing happen and feels understandably upset as a result.

[OverTheRubicon]

[quote PixieLaLa]@OverTheRubicon Googling some percentages doesn’t make any difference to this thread being insulting to people who have suffered ACTUAL trauma like being abused, or having a parent who’s a drug addict. Being a single parent CAN be more difficult but so can lots of situations, what a ridiculous generalisation.[/quote]
What???! Did you miss the bit where I am a single parent myself and where I said that I don't think that single parenthood is in itself traumatic?

I think you've missed the OP's point also. Her circumstances, in dealing with a precarious financial situation and otherwise have been traumatic for her, and she is worried about her DCs. I think that single parenthood doesn't need to be traumatic, but it's also important to be honest that living in poverty usually is traumatic, and that nearly half of single parents and their children do live in poverty. That's a far higher percentage than for children being raised by two parents. This is not an argument for staying in a bad situation (I didn't) or against single parents (I am one), but it is a reality to acknowledge, and ideally, something that the government would try a lot harder to address.

The OP stated her personal experience. I stated facts. How can either of those things be so personally insulting to you?