To think that single parenthood is traumatic for parent and children?

[Hallomi]

I don't mean the title to sound goady or Inflammatory, I am a single parent myself. I just stood in the kitchen, and it came into my head. It can be more than stressful and pressurised, it can be traumatic. I know there are an abundance of research articles into the increased likelihood of this and decreased likelihood of that, and I'd always attempted to balance these arguments in my head (we're warm,fed,safe,quiet,I've got an education and ambition, relatively stable), but you can't argue away that you're on your own, and some of what CAN accompany that is traumatic, like a low income and being supplemented by benefits, having less control your life (having to tell benefits everything about yourself and any changes), judgement from others (which has happened quite a lot to me).

[Oly4]

I have nothing but respect and admiration for single parents.

[CaptainMyCaptain]

I was a single parent. It had its problems but I had my own income and bought my own home when my daughter was 7. Even when the budget was tight I could make all my own decisions. Living on benefit would have made things more difficult but that can happen to a couple as well.

[Hallomi]

I'm pleased people disagree with me, because its means that one doesn't necessarily equal the other. I've had a bit of a hopeless week, and maybe that's what lead me down this path. I've been a single parent for 6 years, so we'll used to it by now!

I'm on a low income. I worked pt in further education for a few years after my masters, now I'm back at uni doing Nursing and starting my first placement on Monday with no wraparound care available (although v v lucky to get a school
place).

I have a v unsupportive ex who still belittles me.

My children and I were stopped on the way home from school ( I had mandatory on site training for placement) this week, and my eldest told by a Dad that he is a bully, calling his daughter names, as was his friend. The Dad had walked straight past the parents of the other boy apparently bullying, smiled at them, and headed towards us. I spoke to the other parents and tbe school, and found this to be completely untrue, the boys were not bullying this girl and there are other things at play. The telling part was him coming to tell my son and I off, but not the other.

[Waxonwaxoff0]

@emilyfrost

YANBU. It’s not advantageous for any child to be raised by a single parent.

Yes, the child is better off with a single parent than living with an abusive one, but the fact of the matter is it isn’t healthy and no child will grow up as well adjusted or emotionally stable as if they had the better chance of two loving parents.

But of course single parents like to deny that because they don’t want to hear it 🤷‍♀️

As the child of a single parent I disagree. I'm fine thanks.

[GalesThisMorning]

@emilyfrost

YANBU. It’s not advantageous for any child to be raised by a single parent.

Yes, the child is better off with a single parent than living with an abusive one, but the fact of the matter is it isn’t healthy and no child will grow up as well adjusted or emotionally stable as if they had the better chance of two loving parents.

But of course single parents like to deny that because they don’t want to hear it 🤷‍♀️

Wow vicious! Are you always this kind??

I raised ds1 by myself until he was 7. It was hard for me. He had a great childhood because I prioritised him at every step. Healthy and happy.

I'm raising ds2 with my husband. It is much easier, but still hard work. He's having a great childhood. Happy and healthy.

Single parents out there don't listen to posters like this one. You are not traumatizing your children simply by being single. No one wins awards for this - parenting is a long slog forward with good bits and bad bits but most kids come out ok in the end.

(Emily here's hoping you never become single eh!)

[Blubellsarebells]

My son has got 2 parents.
We just dont live together.
I know statistically my son is at a disadvantage so I do everything I can to mitigate against that.
My sons upbringing is not unhealthy at all, so far he's a happy bright and well rounded child.

[purpleme12]

I think it's quite insulting saying it's traumatic
I don't think it's traumatic at all
Not single parenthood
Stressful, pressurised - fair enough but traumatic, no

[Screwcorona]

I agree, my parents split and most was up to my mum although dad was involved EOW and paid £0

Mother was too wrapped up in her difficulties to parent the 4 of us effectively. We didnt eat properly, had quite an unhealthy environment and a lot of bad things happened in our household.

I can imagine that a different single parent might have turned out differently but I can only draw from my own experience.

[Blessex]

Hmmmm. Very interesting. I don’t know. I am a single parent (remarried but he lives in another country until his kids from previous marriage go to uni). Yes I think in some ways it can be traumatic in that my kids know that I am alone most of the time and working full time. I expect them to pull their weight. I remind them I am alone. I need some help. So in the physical sense it is traumatic. They have to stash the bloody dishwasher, make the occasional meal and wash the dog. But emotionally I try to make it as untraumatic as possible. I am a happy mum generally. They are their dad. Their dad and I get on as well as we can and sometimes eat together etc. So it depends if you mean physically or emotionally traumatic.

[Blessex]

*see their dad

[GeorgiaGirl52]

@SnowFields

Single parenthood undoubtedly can be traumatic but so can having two parents together.

This.^

[emilyfrost]

As the child of a single parent I disagree. I'm fine thanks.

Waxonwaxoff0 Of course you disagree You’re not going to agree either because you don’t want to admit it or you won’t acknowledge it in yourself, but nobody raised by a single parent is as emotionally well adjusted or as mentally healthy as they could be if they were raised by two loving parents.

[Waxonwaxoff0]

@Screwcorona

I agree, my parents split and most was up to my mum although dad was involved EOW and paid £0

Mother was too wrapped up in her difficulties to parent the 4 of us effectively. We didnt eat properly, had quite an unhealthy environment and a lot of bad things happened in our household.

I can imagine that a different single parent might have turned out differently but I can only draw from my own experience.

That's just bad parenting though. Anyone can be a bad parent, single or not.

[YourHairLooksAmazing]

**No child will grow up as well adjusted or emotionally stable as if they had the better chance of two loving parents.

Well. Aren't you a delight. What a ridiculously sweeping statement. Being a single parent myself and a teacher with upwards of 1000 children having passed through my care, with many of them from single parent households, I can tell you that you are wrong. Of course, some may be affected, but many are absolutely well adjusted emotionally and have grown into stable individuals.
To say "no child" is absolutely ridiculous. And patently wrong.

Offensive bollocks.

[Waxonwaxoff0]

@emilyfrost

As the child of a single parent I disagree. I'm fine thanks.

Waxonwaxoff0 Of course you disagree You’re not going to agree either because you don’t want to admit it or you won’t acknowledge it in yourself, but nobody raised by a single parent is as emotionally well adjusted or as mentally healthy as they could be if they were raised by two loving parents.

I disagree because I'm fine. No different to any of my friends who were raised with 2 parents.

I'd like to know what evidence you have to back your claims up that ALL children of single parents are as you say.

[Barnicus]

I raised my dc as a single parent from the age of 3, I am not saying it was always easy, but I feel confident that they had an enjoyable, stress free childhood. More so than they ever would have had I stayed in a relationship with their father.

I wasn't on a low income, we enjoyed lots of nice experiences. I don't feel like they missed out on anything compared to their peers and I don't think they ever felt that way either. They certainly weren't traumatised. I did 99% of the parenting.

They are now doing well at a really good university and have a decent relationship with their father.

I genuinely think my dc would be confused if anyone told them they had been traumatised by their upbringing.

[user1174147897]

@emilyfrost

As the child of a single parent I disagree. I'm fine thanks.

Waxonwaxoff0 Of course you disagree You’re not going to agree either because you don’t want to admit it or you won’t acknowledge it in yourself, but nobody raised by a single parent is as emotionally well adjusted or as mentally healthy as they could be if they were raised by two loving parents.

"If you disagree with me it proves I'm right"?

[Waxonwaxoff0]

@emilyfrost

As the child of a single parent I disagree. I'm fine thanks.

Waxonwaxoff0 Of course you disagree You’re not going to agree either because you don’t want to admit it or you won’t acknowledge it in yourself, but nobody raised by a single parent is as emotionally well adjusted or as mentally healthy as they could be if they were raised by two loving parents.

And I'm very mentally healthy. Never had any MH issues. My mum on the other hand, was raised by 2 loving parents and has severe depression.

[Blessex]

Ah and by the way. My parents were unhappy and stayed together. My big sis screwed her A levels because of the fights. I spent my teenage years obsessed with their relationship. Now we have left home my kids comment on granny and grandads nastiness to each other. So I wish they had split. And I wish that also when I was a kid. I have this discussion with my kids a lot.

[Joeblack066]

My daughter’s dad died. That was following a divorce after I left through his DV and drinking.
You’re telling me I’ve traumatised my child?
Jog on.

[TheNortherner]

I'm not sure I would say its traumatic, but whilst I dont have money troubles (at the moment!) I do feel unsupported and unrecognised in society as a fulltime working single (resident) parent, but i guess everyone feels hard done to in one way or another.

[Hallomi]

@emilyfrost I think that's in an ideal world, I don't think single parents like to deny it, but I can be incredibly difficult to see your children through the lense of a statistic, and swallow the statistics given that you're pouring heart, soul, sweat and blood into their upbringing.

I also started linking the word traumatic after seeing several posts on sm and mn about traumatic childhoods and single parents. And the perpetual nature of being single, my mother was a single parent, and my grandmother (when my mum was in her teens, and it seems he was never really there anyway), and now me!

[YourHairLooksAmazing]

In addition, having dealt with scores of children with emotional issues, the common denominator is having any disfunctional* adult in their life. Single parent or otherwise. There has been no trend in my experience of being the product of a single parent household being the sole factor in a child's emotional difficulties. If anything, most single parents go above and beyond to provide that extra support as they are so aware of their circumstances.

Honestly, you have no idea what you are talking about.

[FilthyforFirth]

Hmm, I think divorce can be traumatising. My parents had a horrific divorce. I dont feel I was raised by a single parent as I lived with both at different times and each was fully involved. I dont feel like the day to day living was traumatising, I was still being raised equally by both, just in different households.

How horrendous the divorce was has definitely shaped me and my outlook on life.

I think 2 parent families are the best but there are plenty of examples where being a single parent is infinitely preferable to the alternative.

[Belinda554]

Emily has clearly been sniffing glue!

😂 stupid and nasty comments.