To think that single parenthood is traumatic for parent and children?

[Hallomi]

I don't mean the title to sound goady or Inflammatory, I am a single parent myself. I just stood in the kitchen, and it came into my head. It can be more than stressful and pressurised, it can be traumatic. I know there are an abundance of research articles into the increased likelihood of this and decreased likelihood of that, and I'd always attempted to balance these arguments in my head (we're warm,fed,safe,quiet,I've got an education and ambition, relatively stable), but you can't argue away that you're on your own, and some of what CAN accompany that is traumatic, like a low income and being supplemented by benefits, having less control your life (having to tell benefits everything about yourself and any changes), judgement from others (which has happened quite a lot to me).

[tunnocksreturns2019]

@Betarocker

FFS none of us are single for the same reasons. My husband died. My children experienced grief related trauma as did I but to say they are traumatised because I am a single parent is highly insulting.

Exactly. Same here. Tbh it was HOW I became a single parent that was the most traumatic bit - the 24/7 end of life care at home for my 37 year old DH, the 3.5 years knowing he was going to die... I really am sorry I can’t raise him from the dead to provide my children with their other loving parent, but there we are. We crack on.

[CosyAcorn]

Obviously it can be very hard on single parents. I'm not a single parent but my DH was raised by a single mother, and my father was raised by a single father. They grew to be responsible, compassionate, honest and decent people. They enjoyed their childhoods and it's only looking back now that they realise how hard their parent worked to give them the life they had.

Children thrive when they are loved and cared for.

But single parents can have it very tough and I think anything Government can do to help them should be done, and I think the more friends and family offer support and love to the parents, the better.

[Hotzenplotz]

My childhood was far more traumatic when my parents were together than when my mother raised us after leaving my horribly abusive father after 20 years.

[Changemaname1]

My dc are lovely well rounded kind happy boys

And I’m personally not traumatised . Have an involved ex and have more free time to myself and prob have an easier life than many married women 🤷🏻‍♀️

[Bagamoyo1]

@emilyfrost

YANBU. It’s not advantageous for any child to be raised by a single parent.

Yes, the child is better off with a single parent than living with an abusive one, but the fact of the matter is it isn’t healthy and no child will grow up as well adjusted or emotionally stable as if they had the better chance of two loving parents.

But of course single parents like to deny that because they don’t want to hear it 🤷‍♀️

I think everyone would agree that the “gold standard” of childhoods is provided by 2 committed loving parents who have a strong and healthy relationship. But those seem to be pretty rare!

And when it comes to denial, I think couples do that WAY more than single parents. Single parents are always questioning themselves, worried they’re doing it wrong, and often being judged by others. Unhappy couples on the other hand, will stay in toxic relationships because they don’t want their kids to “come from a broken home”. That’s denial.

[Emeraldshamrock]

They enjoyed their childhoods and it's only looking back now that they realise how hard their parent worked to give them the life they had
Very true it is heartwarming. For all those single parents doing the job of two.

[Blackberrycream]

tunnocksreturns2019
I feel similar and you phrased it really well. The trauma and stress of the time leading up to losing my husband and becoming a single parent were the hardest thing to go through. It still rocks me to think back on that time. You deal with what you have though.

[OverTheRubicon]

@emilyfrost

YANBU. It’s not advantageous for any child to be raised by a single parent.

Yes, the child is better off with a single parent than living with an abusive one, but the fact of the matter is it isn’t healthy and no child will grow up as well adjusted or emotionally stable as if they had the better chance of two loving parents.

But of course single parents like to deny that because they don’t want to hear it 🤷‍♀️

Why would we deny it? Of course a child will be better off with more carers who are loving and have a good relationship between them. However this is not the circumstance that ends up with single.parent families. And to be fair, not a majority of the dual parent families we know either.

The reality is that a lot of the challenge of single parenting comes down to finances, where single parents - usually women - are often left in or near poverty or near it due to relying on benefits or part time work to allow for childcare, and low contribution from fathers.

If I had the choice, I would absolutely choose to be in a healthy and safe partnership, and so would my ex. Unfortunately his health doesn't allow that. Before splitting, he was mentally unwell and it was not ok for the children. However we are fortunate to be financially comfortable enough that we're not facing the traumas other people discuss. With family or financial support, far more single parents and their children would be doing far better.

[umpteennamechanges]

As a child the period I had with my DM being a single parent was the best time.

Much better than being with my abusive father and much better than being part of a blended family. I would say both of these were traumatic but being the child of a single parent wasn't.

My best friend who was a single parent for a number of years also said she found it easier in many ways than being in a relationship because she only had to care about her and her DD.

So...no. I don't think it necessarily follows that it's traumatic.

[PixieLaLa]

having to tell benefits everything about yourself and any changes

Yes, how traumatising that you can’t commit benefit fraud.
Also not all single mums are on low incomes or benefits just to let you know.

[Thisisworsethananticpated]

Hey OP
I think that the trauma you relay could be more to do with poverty than single parenthood ?
I’ve found being a single parent hard
But my mental health is so much better than when I was with abusive ex
I used to have death fantasies ALL the time
Weekly
Imagining myself dying , or worse - detailed fantasies
I don’t now

[NoIDontWatchLoveIsland]

I think single parenthood carries a higher risk of being traumatic/stressful/difficult.

[SuperHighway]

I was raised by a single parent after my father died when I was 6. I was one of 4 children; eldest 10, youngest 3. Yes it was traumatic and we're all scarred in some way. 2 are NC with our mother now. I remember hearing the actress Cherie Lunghi interviewed years ago and she said the ugliest and the most beautiful moments happen between a child and a single parent, and I think that's so true (well in my case anyway).

[Emeraldshamrock]

Yes, how traumatising that you can’t commit benefit fraud
That was low. There is tons of reasons people don't like having to be under duress by the welfare.

[Harriedharriet]

@Hallomi

I don't mean the title to sound goady or Inflammatory, I am a single parent myself. I just stood in the kitchen, and it came into my head. It can be more than stressful and pressurised, it can be traumatic. I know there are an abundance of research articles into the increased likelihood of this and decreased likelihood of that, and I'd always attempted to balance these arguments in my head (we're warm,fed,safe,quiet,I've got an education and ambition, relatively stable), but you can't argue away that you're on your own, and some of what CAN accompany that is traumatic, like a low income and being supplemented by benefits, having less control your life (having to tell benefits everything about yourself and any changes), judgement from others (which has happened quite a lot to me).

I think there is a lot to what you say. I was raised by a single mother with an absent father. I think my mothers journey was very lonely. She had all the responsibility, the burden of teens, all decisions, finance, worry - all alone.
I am not single and know how heavy the load can be at times. I feel sorry for her now in a way that I did before too but without the understanding.

[OverTheRubicon]

@PixieLaLa

having to tell benefits everything about yourself and any changes

Yes, how traumatising that you can’t commit benefit fraud.
Also not all single mums are on low incomes or benefits just to let you know.

How awful are some people on this thread? Feeling upset about having to tell a stranger about your dire financial situation, or even just go through every inch of your life, doesn't mean you'd prefer to commit fraud.

And yes, while the same percentage of single mothers now work as women without children, a majority of single parents are in financially difficult situations. 45% of single parents (over 90% of whom are women) are defined by the government as living in poverty.

So yes, a lot of women will be facing this trauma. Those of us who aren't in that position should be doing something to help, or at least having some sympathy.

[theviewfromhalfwaydown]

I’m a single parent and have been for nearly 4 years now. I may have my ft wages topped up but my children are the happiest I’ve ever seen them. My ex was found to be a child abuser and I feel awful for not realising at the time what was happening while I was working but raising them alone has been the best thing I’ve ever done. We now don’t have the dark cloud over us that we used to have and my middle child has really changed for the better.

[thepeopleversuswork]

From a personal perspective I couldn't disagree more. I'm happier, better adjusted and more successful on every conceivable measure as a single parent than I was in a bad marriage. And my DD is thriving, well-adjusted and happy.

Living my life and providing for my child in the way I see fit without the constant compromise and being dragged down by an entitled man has been a huge liberation for me and my daughter has benefited hugely. She's still in touch with her father but he no longer has the ability to cause chaos and disappointment in her lives.

I have been fairly lucky and I realise it can be tough for some people. But for me single parenthood is one of the best kept secrets ever.

And emilyfrost seems nice and well adjusted.

[SarahAndQuack]

@emilyfrost

YANBU. It’s not advantageous for any child to be raised by a single parent.

Yes, the child is better off with a single parent than living with an abusive one, but the fact of the matter is it isn’t healthy and no child will grow up as well adjusted or emotionally stable as if they had the better chance of two loving parents.

But of course single parents like to deny that because they don’t want to hear it 🤷‍♀️

Tell me about it. I had nine loving parents and I feel so sorry for your deprived state. It must have been hard.

[Marmite2021]

Yes it is stressful, and comes with its own challenges, but it is a lot less stressful and (not traumatic) compared with being in an abusive relationship with a gaslighting other parent (who thought parenting was just yelling aggressively from the minute he got home until the kids went to bed). We are all more calm, much more happy and positive now and despite having a lower income my kids are very happy and healthy.

[Crystal90567]

My household is so much more peaceful as a single parent. I can put my children first and life is great.
Smug marrieds do sometimes look down on me,which is the worst bit but I've learnt to put them in their place. Or just don't get involved.

Nothing the patriarchy hates more than a woman thriving on her own. Gives a bad impression in their opinion and dispels the myth that you need a man.

Not to swim in platitudes but also 'the person who is going to rescue you is yourself.' Many of my smug married friends are determined that I need a man (to rescue me). They cant stop going on about it. I have no interest at all.

There are men with a sahm wife and kids on my wage. Plenty of them. They don't get patronised - and they're supporting more people than I am.

[Edgeoftheledge]

I think what I'm trying to say is absolutely, being a single parent is better than the alternative for many, but acknowledging that it is just, at times, incredibly difficult.

So can many situations were parents are together.

[Notmoreuodates5]

Why would it be traumatic? I think unless your relationship is solid it’s easier in some ways to do it by yourself.

It gets tough and there’s a lot of pressure. The poster suggesting your child will be grow up unstable is BS!

You can meet unstable people through any walk of life... is it because they were raised by only one parent nonsense

[jeaux90]

@SmaugMum great post.

I'm an older mum. 49, DD is 11.

Been a single mum/lone parent since she was 1 because the ex was an abusive narcissist.

My daughter has grown up with a live in nanny because I've had to travel with work, the nanny and her adored each other. Her cousins, aunts and grandparents who all live nearby.

She is now in private school. So contrary to popular belief my daughter is extremely privileged, happy and well adjusted.

I'm so bored of single mum bashing, yes sometimes it's hard and relentless but better that than being in a shit relationship quite frankly.

You only have to nip into the relationship section of Mumsnet to see what a bunch of man babies there are out there who seem utterly incapable of bringing up their children, staying away from porn or keeping their fists to themselves.

[PixieLaLa]

@OverTheRubicon Googling some percentages doesn’t make any difference to this thread being insulting to people who have suffered ACTUAL trauma like being abused, or having a parent who’s a drug addict. Being a single parent CAN be more difficult but so can lots of situations, what a ridiculous generalisation.