To think that single parenthood is traumatic for parent and children?

[Hallomi]

I don't mean the title to sound goady or Inflammatory, I am a single parent myself. I just stood in the kitchen, and it came into my head. It can be more than stressful and pressurised, it can be traumatic. I know there are an abundance of research articles into the increased likelihood of this and decreased likelihood of that, and I'd always attempted to balance these arguments in my head (we're warm,fed,safe,quiet,I've got an education and ambition, relatively stable), but you can't argue away that you're on your own, and some of what CAN accompany that is traumatic, like a low income and being supplemented by benefits, having less control your life (having to tell benefits everything about yourself and any changes), judgement from others (which has happened quite a lot to me).

[ThatchersCold]

I think parenting is definitely a two person job. One can pick up the slack when the other needs a break from if. Single parents never get that and it grinds you down over the years. Talking about truly single parents here, like myself, not ones who co parent and get a nice long break every week or two.

But what do you do? It’s not the life I’d have chosen but you can’t put them back. So you crack on and do the best you can. I’ve always put my kids before me, and they’ve wanted for nothing.

[XelaM]

I'm single mum. I have more income than I ever did when I was married (partly I don't have to support my lazy ex-husband). I work hard and have never been on benefits of any kind. My daughter and I are super close because it's just the two of us, so we always do everything together like watching Netflix every evening, cooking together, go away for long weekends etc. And because I don't have an abusive husband shout at me or tell me what to do, I can do whatever I want for my daughter with no arguments.

Growing up I had the perfect home life. My parents have been married forever, had money, always did everything for me and my brother and my dad is the most amazing man I have ever met. It absolutely did not stop me from going nuts as a teenager and I don't think my stable lovely childhood actually made me a more accomplished or sane person than some of my friends whose parents got divorced.

[ludothedog]

Sorry you're finding things difficult OP. I'm sorry that you were shouted at like that today. Maybe you are right and he felt like he could do that to you and not the other parent because you are alone. However I would say that this is a reflection on him and not on you.

You are wrong though about being a single parent. It can be traumatic and stressful but is certainly not that way for everyone and not just as better than being in a DV relationship. For me it was a life style choice and DD and I are very happy. She is an amazing young woman and I'm so proud of her.

Like you I went back to Uni when she was young and retrained. I now earn a decent salary which helps a lot. Not having much money can be stressful and our most difficult times were certainly around times of financial uncertainty.

Good luck with your studies and try not to let the comments of one bad man affect you too much 💐💐💐

[antjaw]

I raised one child as a single parent (a completely lone parent with no input from the father) and I'm now married and bringing up a DD with a very hands-on DH. I would definitely say my single parenthood experience was traumatic, although it involved a lot of factors that don't necessary occur with all single parents - DV, disabled child, poor MH, poverty, poor school options and bad housing. At the time though I just dealt with it, and I did emerge with much better outcomes for me and my DS than other parents managed even though they were in much better financial/family situations than I was. I have only been able to view the trauma in retrospect, especially now from a much more comfortable position.

Life is so much easier now, with DH always on hand, adult company and emotional support, no money concerns and freedom to follow my own interests. I am really glad that followed my own path as a single mum and proud of what I achieved, but I also know that my DS has missed out on things that I have been able to offer my dd and that growing up with a single mum has had an impact on him.

[Diverseopinions]

If you've always been single with your children, you may have different situations and challenges to those who were with a partner at the beginning. Some challenges will no doubt be similar. Having a partner is a source of support - if for instance you experience a conflicted time with the parent of your kid(s).

I think it is better to have peace and calm for the children, and if that means separating a married partnership, then it has to be.

I'm surprised on MN when posters urge women to end their marriage for reasons not to do with crime, adultery, unreasonable behaviour, abuse and rows. It seems that sometimes posters are urged to split because they don't get on with their partner any more.

The thing you make life so difficult by doing that - potentially. It's best to be aware that your ex could meet and move in with someone who doesn't want to welcome your children. Your ex could change dramatically and start picking holes in what you do for your shared child. They might become incredibly mean with time and money for your child when once they were generous. It might seem that their values have changed. If they move away, your children might have to travel long distances to see them.

I wouldn't say don't break up an unhappy marriage. Certainly break up an abusive one. But be aware that what you took for granted as normal behaviour might be your ex wanting to do his best for you because you are the centre of his world, and the children too. Having that person you once lived against you is not a nice thought.

[Hotzenplotz]

[quote superstardjherewego]@emilyfrost that’s an incredibly nasty post.[/quote]
It is a blatant troll.

[Pumpertrumper]

My take on single parenthood is this;

A child only needs one good parent to flourish.
One good parent is better than two with one crappy one!
Doing it alone is incredibly hard yet still easier than doing it with an aH who makes life harder for you.
Being a ‘single parent’ and being a ‘co parent’ aren’t the same thing!!! If you get EOW off you’re not in the same boat as someone who has no help at all!

As far as kids are concerned I think there comes a point where a child/young adult understands they’ve been ‘abandoned’ by one parent and that can be very traumatic. However, I think they grow to realise very quickly how lucky they are to have had a great other parent. All the kids of single parents I know have grown up to have massive respect for their parent!

[Kokeshi123]

No. I think it's less than ideal though. Most single mothers I know work so hard for their kids but are very stretched--a lot less money and time for everything. It's very tough.

[SimonJT]

@emilyfrost

As the child of a single parent I disagree. I'm fine thanks.

Waxonwaxoff0 Of course you disagree You’re not going to agree either because you don’t want to admit it or you won’t acknowledge it in yourself, but nobody raised by a single parent is as emotionally well adjusted or as mentally healthy as they could be if they were raised by two loving parents.

Could we have some studies into this?

[MadinMarch]

@emilyfrost
Of course you disagree confused You’re not going to agree either because you don’t want to admit it or you won’t acknowledge it in yourself, but nobody raised by a single parent is as emotionally well adjusted or as mentally healthy as they could be if they were raised by two loving parents.
Don't be so ridiculous! And insulting.
Firstly, your assertion is totally unprovable and therefore of little real value.
Secondly, many children raised in a single parent family just sees that as their normal and areas happy and as emotionally well adjusted and mentally healthy as the child from a two parent family.
My 21 year old daughter is evidence of this. She's a confident, happy, well rounded young woman with a positive attitude and is now studying at post graduate level. You really wouldn't be able to distinguish her from a similar happy and high acheiving young adult from a two parent family.
Single parent families are not all the same, and stereotyping and stigmatising them as you have done is unhelpful, uninformed and incredibly small minded (in my opinion).
I would say though, that many children from a single parent family can more easily be disadvantaged due to the lack of money and the consequences of poverty. It's this factor that may result in poorer outcomes for some children, rather than the fact that they are raised by one parent per se.

[pointythings]

I think stating that it CAN be is much more accurate. I'm a single parent, my late husband was an alcoholic and the only thing I regret was not getting rid sooner because yes, he did cause my DDs significant trauma. There was no trauma from what came after he went though - instead I watched my DDs become playful again, sing in the shower again, laugh and smile again.

Initially it was tough financially, but I have a good job and we would have coped. Then my husband did us the courtesy of dying, so I inherited everything and now we are financially comfortable.

[Lexilooo]

Isn't the focus of this in the wrong place? It isn't having or being a single parent that is traumatic, it is having a deadbeat/abusive/absent father or parent that is traumatic.

Let's not blame women who are doing a difficult job for issues caused by shitty men.

[turnitonagain]

Single parent encompasses so many different situations that it’s hard to generalise.

In most cases a woman who leaves an abusive or addictive partner is probably creating a safer household for DCs.

There are single parents who got pregnant from being irresponsible with contraception with a casual partner and never had a proper relationship or coparenting situation with the other parent. From observation this is normally a rather chaotic situation unless the residential parent has financial means or very supportive extended family. New partners/step families/half siblings often thrown into the mix as well which can cause conflict.

I know a wealthy woman who has had two DCs through sperm donation and her children want for nothing. She doesn’t want a partner and raises them with her parents and help from a nanny.

So “single parent” is not a blanket category.

[Dontforgetyourbrolly]

Any situation CAN be traumatic.
Sp with 1 child , boring, lonely ( during lockdown) and hard at times but not traumatic .
My mum staying in a very unhappy marriage with my dad because she thought she was doing me and my brother a favour = traumatic.

[Peace43]

I’m a single parent. I earn a lot of money in a corporate job and have wfh’d for over 11years. We live in the same street as the rest of my family. DD has close cousins, Aunty, Grandparents who are a very involved part of her life. Whilst splitting with her Dad 2 years ago upset her at the time she is FAR happier with the current living arrangements (as am I!). Definitely no trauma here

[Dontforgetyourbrolly]

Fwiw for me , although I'm the resident parent , I don't see myself as ds only parent because he has a dad and doe the most part we co parent. ( as much as covid allows due to ex dp health !)

[Charlottejbt]

Sounds like the trauma comes from being poor and trapped in the UK's punitive benefit system. Plus the general attitude to poor people as feckless, not deserving of any human dignity, and generally responsible for all of the country's problems. Ask a single mother with a well-paid job if their life is traumatic.

[MyOwnPrivatePaddlingPool]

I read the thread title like . Traumatic is the opposite of how I would describe my experience of lone parenthood. The word that springs to mind for me is peaceful. Our home is always relaxed and peaceful. I do only have one child though and he's a very easy child to parent.
I'm 13 years in and I don't feel 'ground down' either, still enjoying it as much as I always have (not counting the first year of sleep deprivation hell obviously).
Am sure it maybe is highly stressful for some but certainly not all of us.

[Hallomi]

I think its the stereotyping, which granted seems I was guilty of by making a swreping statement.

To me, trauma is subjective and what one person might deem as traumatic another might not. Being a single parent is relentless, and I have EOW free, but the relationship with ex is tense. I took our dog for a walk in our village, which is small, and left my ds1 at home who is 10 for 30 minutes with a phone...my ex said he would report me to SS.

It's the lack of control, and input of others, many people feel able able comment on single parents where they not with a couple.

I did not want to commit benefit fraud! But having to input your finances when you get a £9 pH zero hours contract to support you through nursing and having to chase and make sure all okay and have people speak to you like a number is awful.

I get £40 per week input from Father. I studied at post graduate level previously...and still I am here.

[Hallomi]

Will reply to posts properly when I'm home.

Thank you for all your input

[Hallomi]

I think sp and often their children can be treated differently simply because they are sp.

[Ricebubbles2]

@Plmoknijb123

I don’t think it’s traumatic. Anything can be traumatic. Having two disengaged parents can be worse than having a single parent. There are just way too many factors to label ‘single parenting’ as one thing. It can of course be terribly difficult and harder than sharing parenting with a wonderful partner but that’s pretty obvious isn’t it?

👌

[AwaAnBileYerHeid]

To be honest, everything seems to be classed as a trauma these days so it wouldn't be hard to fit single parenthood into the box.

[Ricebubbles2]

@emilyfrost

YANBU. It’s not advantageous for any child to be raised by a single parent.

Yes, the child is better off with a single parent than living with an abusive one, but the fact of the matter is it isn’t healthy and no child will grow up as well adjusted or emotionally stable as if they had the better chance of two loving parents.

But of course single parents like to deny that because they don’t want to hear it 🤷‍♀️

Utter Nonsense
Are you religious or bias
Probably both😂

[Thisisworsethananticpated]

Op I hope you are OK
That school dad incident was horrible
Onwards my dear